[sachat3]

My general rule of thumb is no news is good news. Not that it makes it any easier waiting. I remember when D4 was D1 and she had the sweat test for cystic fibrosis. The wait was agonising. It took forever but they said, the give the bad news out first. So no news really was good news and that stick with me.

[LBS_Les]

Posting before the weekend - when the forum is pretty quiet 

To my American friends, I hope you were able to celebrate your holiday, and gave thanks to what you had - even if its not what you wanted, or expected to be in this weird 2020.

Its been a rough couple of weeks for me.   We are in lockdown here in Toronto.   Its annoying AF as the source of infections seem to be with gatherings, but our government has shut us out of everything and says we need to do our part.   The population of Toronto is 3million, in its core.   Our daily cases hover around 450-500.   The government has said "stay home".  They have forbidden dining, gatherings, shopping, theatres, all of it.  Im getting COVID fatigue.    Im tired of being told what to do when you aren't even citing the source of the issue.    Cancel weddings, fine people having house parties.   Dont confine me to a Stage 1 lockdown for 28 days.   Im getting fed up.

Speaking of getting fed up, Im hitting a fed up point with my marriage.  I had therapy the other day and she noted that I've definitely done a 180 with my W.   And I know we cycle, but right now, Im done.   I get it - its her crisis, and Ive been trying to be empathetic to it, but firetruck that.    Where is my self worth?   Why am I making excuses for her $h!te?   And thats where I sit.   I'm done making excuses for the demise of my marriage.   I'm done "waiting" for her to approach me about divorce.

firetruck her and her actions.   Ya, the anger stage is here.

And Im holding on to it - because Im better than her crisis.   Im not someone who is going to sit idle and wait for her to go through her journey.    I too am going through a journey, and through it, I realize I want more.   I want more than what W offered in our Marriage.   I want more than who she's become.   I want more, than to make excuses for the reasons she's become who she's become.

I haven't done it yet, but I will reach out to her and tell her its time to start settling finances and starting to close out the chapter of our lives.   When I met her, she was "legally" married to her ex still.   She was still sending money to her STBXW for their debt.   So what, Im going to sit here and make excuses about her MLC as to why she's not paying?   firetruck that - its time for her actions to have consequences.

Im angry, this post shows it.   Im going to try to hold on to this anger, for as long as I possibly can because firetruck HER. 

Im done

[Seahorse]

LBS-Les -
First, I'm sorry that you're angry.
Anger can be good - as long as you use it constructively and not destructively.
Let it guide you to look inside as to WHY you're angry - besides the fact that your wife is having a MLC, it's not fair and it hurts.
Look deep inside and grow from it - you're still so early into this process.  Standing or not, there's so much healing and growth from going through this process.
We're here for you.
Hoping that your weekend is good, despite covid, despite MLC. 
Self care for yourself is important...

[LBS_Les]

Thanks Sea.

I've been in the anger stage before, but I've since learned that anger is a secondary emotion to another.   And I still believe that. 

But I've been doing an autopsy of my marriage.   There are values and actions I want from someone who claims to love me.   I cant look back and see that W did that.   I'm starting to see that maybe my M wasn't as great as I thought it was.   I realize now through my journey, I deserve more, I want more, and W was never going to give that to me.

So ya, I'll hold on to the anger as I continue to work through those motions.   But looking back and knowing now, what I want from a partnership, she doesn't fit into my space.

And Im not sure she ever did.

I guess I was living in a fantasy.  Call it limerance, call it co-dependency, call it whatever.  I WANT and DESERVE much more than what W had given me.

And im willing to walk away to let it come to me, some day (I'm not seeking, but I have a strong faith that it will be sent to me)

[sachat3]

I think what your feeling is similar to what a friend of mine was feeling. And I said to her “don’t let your boyfriend stop you finding your husband”. And that seems where you are. That if you keep holding on for your wife, you may miss someone amazing. Because you are 100% right. You do deserve more. You deserve the world and so you should be in search of that.

By thag I don’t just mean, finding another partner. It may be new friends or strengthening existing friendships. It may be anything. But you deserve a life so full of love

[LBS_Les]

Well, today, to the day, marks 11 months since BD.   The night that forever changed my life.

I realized last night that it was going to be this day, and usually around the week of BD, I slip emotionally.   Last night when I remembered, I was happy.   I was happy because I looked back at what I have done in the last 11 months, and how far I have come from that night.

Today, I woke up happy, I messaged a couple of friend groups who were there for me through thick and thin.   I let them know that they have been an instrumental part of my journey, and that I was truly thankful for the support they've given me in the last months.

Life with a Vanisher, continues.  I do wonder if I will hear from her over the holiday season.   I also wonder if I will reply.   Mentally, Im in a "ah hell naw" state.   I dont think I will reply, should she even choose to reach out.   It's not very lighthouse like, I know.  I just dont think replying serves any purpose.  MLC is a long process, and I dont know that she's ever going to do the work to come out of it.  I no longer want to excuse her $h!tety behaviours and trauma that she's inflicted, because SHES going through some issue.  I'm just done with it all, if I am being honest.  When I look toward my future, she's not in it.  There is love in my future, and I know it, but I dont see her with me when I get those butterflies in my tummy, when I catch my SO stealing a smile as she's watching me, when I am coming up behind my SO to give them a hug while they wash the dishes.   Its not her I see.

Health wise, my results came back - no serious issue to worry about.   Thankful for that.

S is back on the scene.   Nothing has changed there - usual hot and cold mess.   I think to a degree, she's like an MLC'er.   She gets close, then goes cold.  We have conversations, get to know bits about one another, then radio silence falls for a few days or a week at a time.

She had an issue with a family member, and I was trying to talk WITH her through it.   I could sense personal growth as in some ways, I felt my need to "rescue" come up.   She seemed to be hinting that she wanted to maybe meet up and chill after the interaction she had with her family member.  I caught myself getting ready to invite her over, but I thought "Why would you send her an invite?"  We are in total lockdown here, so that breaks protocol and I know inevitably, if she wanted company, she would have said no anyways.   So I threw out suggestions, in the form of questions, as to who she might be able to reach out to (e.g. Are any of your friends free tonight that you could call?"). Its also a bit frustrating as we have had some "physically intimate" discussions, which often results in her withdrawal after LOL. I swear,  I cant make this up.

But what I do know is, I dont place value in her.   I dont personalize her push pull.   She's flat out said that she wants a relationship (not with me, but generally speaking), but she doesn't want to open herself up, she's scared, not emotionally ready to allow herself to be vulnerable, blah blah blah, cliche lesbian dating stuff.   And I dont want a relationship with anyone, let alone her, but I will say that physically, I am most definitely attracted to her.

Christmas is almost here, and I actually feel excitement over the first Christmas without my vanisher.   I was worried the holiday would affect me, and its possible that it may on the actual day, but I am looking forward to spending the day with my small family.   2020 has been one hell of a year, so I am grateful that I still have my family in my life, that I can celebrate with.

Its looking like my city will extend their total lockdown, which likely means that I will be spending NYE at home, doing FaceTime parties.  That doesn't totally bother me, but it would be nice to be with friends, in person.

Keep well - the end of the pandemic is in far sight (well, up here it looks to be LOL).   

[Curiosity]

Glad to get an update from you, LL! Your progress toward detachment and your healing seem to be progressing at a remarkable rate. I am so impressed with how you have navigated all of this. Our situations are different in several ways, and I am on a different trajectory as is my MLCer. I don’t know to what extent it is helpful to have a vanisher, but regardless of the contact level, the fact that you can handle milestone dates as a positive thing speaks highly for your self-work.

Always great to hear from you!

[LBS_Les]

Glad to get an update from you, LL! Your progress toward detachment and your healing seem to be progressing at a remarkable rate. I am so impressed with how you have navigated all of this. Our situations are different in several ways, and I am on a different trajectory as is my MLCer. I don’t know to what extent it is helpful to have a vanisher, but regardless of the contact level, the fact that you can handle milestone dates as a positive thing speaks highly for your self-work.

Always great to hear from you!

Thanks Curiosity - I still read the board and occasionally comment, but I found at times that I was spending too much time here and it wasn't helping me mentally.  So I've been trying to limit my access to twice a day.   And with a Vanisher, there aren't much in terms of updates.   We are approaching one year, so will see if she's gonna pull the "I want a D" card.   I expect things to ramp up in MLC fashion by then.

Dont look at my timeline of recovery LOL.  I think there are a ton of variables that go into everyones recovery from this mess.   I also believe my relationship was shorter in duration, so I guess its taken me 1 month, for each year, to recover.  I think it also helps a great deal that I do not live with my W, let alone be in contact with her.   I'm sure if I had to interact with her, my healing would have stalled out.

And sadly, with that pullback, I have detached emotionally.  I still think of her all the time, but its not a yearning desire or need for her.  I wonder if she's dating, how she's been spending this pandemic, if she's partnered up with anyone, its all there.   But I just tell myself that none of those questions matter as what's most important here is, actions.   Actions show she's off in her fairy tale.  I dont know if she's having the time of her life, or if she lays in bed at all hours, ruminating.   A few weeks back, I did notice she was on WhatsApp at late hours of the night - she used to be asleep on the couch between 9-10pm nightly, in bed by 11pm.  Shes been on after midnight a few times.  Maybe telling someone she got home okay, maybe she's restless and cant sleep, who knows.  I've archived our chats so that I no longer have the ability to hop in and see when she's been online last.  Thats helped tremendously as well.

As for the milestone date - this is the first in which I have felt at peace.   Every other BD Month sent me spiralling.  Today, I am at peace.   I'm okay.

I wake up daily, thank god and the universe for another day, for my animals, for my job, for my apartment to isolate in, for friends and family.  I cant move forward, be grateful, and keep holding on to the past.

As my W says (when she wants to portray that life is grand) "Onwards and Upwards!"

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I still read the board and occasionally comment, but I found at times that I was spending too much time here and it wasn't helping me mentally.  So I've been trying to limit my access to twice a day.

Good for you, I try to limit myself as well. I generally spend the early morning hours reading and posting to mentally wake me up, to get the mind prepared for the day. Despite all that has happened, you still need to participate in the real world.

I get the anger. At first I was angry and focused on OM, then I shifted to my Ex. Nothing wrong with anger if it you use it to motivate yourself to move forward. It becomes an issue if you use it to justify lashing out at others. Acknowledging the anger and flushing it from the system is a step towards understanding your pain.  Just know the pain is still there and you need to heal.

I wonder if she's dating, how she's been spending this pandemic, if she's partnered up with anyone, its all there.

Those questions go on for a long time. I am happily married and the divorce happened seven years ago and I still wonder what her life is like now. We have not spoke for over a  year and limited text messages as well. I just figure she lives her life with ups and downs just like me. She doesn't live in paradise and she isn't in the suburbs of hades either.

Today, I am at peace.   I'm okay.

That is so good for you. Peace will allow you to take a different perspective on yourself and how to find yourself in a better place with someone who truly appreciates and loves you.

Have an amazing weekend,

((((Ready)))))

[Standing Strong]

You sound very good LL 

Very healthy and detached. Yeah, the actual day could be a little different than you think....... big days are funny that way, especially when it's the 1st time. That's ok though..... even if it sneaks up on you, that's natural...... healthy even. I'd say if it does try to grab onto you, don't push it away. It's needed.

-SS