[Shockandawe]

Hi Morte

I don’t remember getting angry with anyone else but then I pretty much didn’t interact with many of the people I knew. I had new people to interact with and as it was my movie I saw them as extras on a way.
Anger passes to indifference and nothing bothered me I was safe inside my bubble.

Shocks sis

[Sunandshade]

Hi Shock sis,
Did you ever monster at OM?

[Stand Tall]

Hi shock sis,

  I was wondering the same thing as sun asked. How did you treat the om? Did you take your anger out on them? I know I walked on egg shells the two years prior to H leaving and I was wondering if the ow/om get put under the same kind of stress that the spouse had/has when living with the mlcer.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Sun and SS

When my fantasy was new I only saw om sporadically and it was everything I wanted as I had no responsibilities and could live my movie. At this time no I didn’t monster at om. Once reality began to invade then yes I would monster and the monstering increased to the point I only ever monstered. I was hostile and evil toward him. I would scream that I hated him and wanted him to leave. I was just the epitome of hateful. I went from being ecstatically happy (all fake fantasy) to hating having this person even in the same room as me. Again and again the om would talk me around and I was fearful of being on my own because I think most of not all MLCers fear that. But the time came when I would rather be on my own than anywhere near the om.

All of this took time and a lot of it. My advice to you is sit back and watch the movie as a spectator rather than a part player.

[terra]

Shocks sis, thank you so much for your courage and kindness here. As many words as I have and use, I don’t have words enough to express my amazement and gratitude for your thoughtful transparency.

On the tail of your latest answer about most MLCers fear being alone (and I think you’re right about that, I’ve seen it in many midlife peers aside from my h or the spouses here), what is that fear about? Is it a generalized anxiety that exists prior to MLC and just is amplified to unbearable by the individual’s triggers at midlife? Or is it something bigger and brand new?

I hear that your father’s death was a major catalyst for you. I want to bring that up softly — my father has been dead 40 years and so I feel for anyone who loses their dad especially much later in life. My father loss was sudden and violent, so it was not well handled by any of my family in the aftermath. Now that h is gone away, this is my primary self-focus beyond day-to-day parenting, money, etc.; I finally have the room and silence in which to go after those old facts and really feel and express my grief about my dad. It has been a good if difficult process but I can see where if h’s crisis and “away” time had not happened, my father loss and unaddressed grief probably would have caused me to be the one in MLC.

All that preface to ask you, do you think that anything might have been easier or gentler for you, if ahead of crisis there had just been better cultural and societal support for bereavement? We still don’t seem to allow for it much in today’s world. Grieve two weeks and no longer or it’s a personality disorder and a psychiatric illness and here’s some pills for you, now get back to work and get back to “normal”.

That’s not how grief works, really. You don’t have to say here or at all, but my fatherless inner child is softly asking if you are ok, and could it have been better for you. Was there something in bereavement where your needs were not met, and would it have been a kinder road for you if the world at large had understood better what those were?

Thank you again for your reflections and willingness to share. I don’t know how to say that in the deepest way I feel it.

[Shelly7435]

During your MLC, did you act as tho you were the coolest thing ever?  Did you tell people how awful your H was or your om and activities were a distraction? When you were the monsters,  Did your H ever tell you about it later and you thought he made it up? When you came out of the fog you say you don’t remember piece of things . Was it a knowing you were monstering at your h or was it just a feeling of knowing? Did you ever say maybe a couple year down the road we can get back together?

The reason I’m asking is because my H did and said all these things. We are at almost 5 years. But 3 since major BD. I truly think he maybe the one that doesn’t come through MLC.

Sis. I so appreciate your insight. I wish you nothing but happiness!

[Shockandawe]

Hi Terra
Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot.
I tried grief counselling but it cannot help with MLC.
I think the counselling should have happened when I was a child that way I think I would have learned how to cope and not block it to come and hit me later.
It’s not something I would wish on anyone but I came through it albeit leaving a wake of destruction behind me.

I hear you Terra and I hope you are at peace.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Shelley

Hahahaha YES I was absolutely convinced I was the most fabulous person ever!! I did tell people my ex h was a horrid person and the om was mr perfect. I did this very early in the fog and continued until the fog started to thin enough to see with clarity enough to know it was lies though for a while anyway the fog would push back those thoughts. Once the wall of the dam came down it was game over and I would now tell people how much I hated the om and his vile habits! I even told om on a daily basis I hated him and wished he would leave.

When I monstered at ex h his response both at the time and later was that he thought I was having a breakdown and going insane.

I don’t remember what I said but I do remember shouting a lot.

[Shelly7435]

Thank you so much for your response. I find you courageous. Have a great day.

[3Boys4Me]

Hi Shock Sis,

I have a question about blame - my sons are devastated, my spouse was completely manic for about a year until he had a medical emergency, his mania has somewhat declined though he often rages and has been emotionally abusive and on two occasions he became physical (he threw something at me once, pinned me to a wall another time) - once he pinned one of our sons to a wall when he wasn’t “compliant” - our son is an athlete and fought back and our son ended up scratched and bruised.  All three of our sons feel abandoned, neglected and abused, the relationship is highly strained, right now he has no overnight visitation, and must have others with him when he sees the boys as they develop trust. the OW is the mother of our middle sons teammate and one of his (former) closest friends - my boys refuse to have anything to do with the OW. My ex and she moved in together without informing me two months ago  - my ex said he wouldn’t put the kids around her until October so the boys and he can focus on rebuilding trust. This weekend he tried to break that promise and both my boys were terribly upset, they refused to go with him if he brought her (they are 14) - the sporty son said if his dad forced this now, before they have a chance to heal their relationship then he just won’t have a relationship with his dad at all. My ex threatened to take the boys to court and is blaming me for it all saying that I need to tell the kids they have to “accept” her, quit “judging” him and move on. My question is about blame - why am I always to blame? I am kind to him, I have encouraged the boys to go to counseling with their dad and to try to heal their relationship and stay open to him.

I know about the fog, I know this is a process. I know I am not to blame, however, his constant using me as a scapegoat when he has betrayed and abandoned us and absolutely devastated and neglected his kids emotionally, physically and financially just stupefies me. For 18 years he was an awesome dad, great husband. His three sons were the light of his life. Can you help me understand the neglect, irresponsibility and blame....? Any unsight is appreciated.

Thanks so much,
3Boyss