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Author Topic: Discussion Old Timers thread 4

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Discussion Re: Old Timers thread 4
#80: January 13, 2019, 07:08:10 PM
Is reconciling with one's spouse considered a 'success story'?

Around here, yes. But, like you said, it is not the only type of success story.

If you had found someone else, or decided to be on your own, it would also be a success story.

I can understand why relatives feel disappointed LBS and MLCer reconcile. Can't say I would be please if a relative reconciled with a MLCer. That is, the type of MCLer most of us deal with. My wallower counsin, and similar wallowers is different. They don't go anywhere, no OW/OM, just obvious depression.

Everyone was happy by cousin become well and he and his wife survived his depression (that is what he calls it).

I was more the "I can't help you" type when Mr J wanted me to help him while he was leading life with OW1. Helping him in what? Doing this? This what» He never said. I told him he had to solve his issues and to look for professional help.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#81: January 13, 2019, 07:22:52 PM
OSB,

I enjoyed your perspective on what may constitute a success story.

Yes, so very true that the “real triumph is in figuring out what makes us feel whole again, regardless of who is in our lives.”

It’s nice that H sees your strength as well.
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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#82: January 16, 2019, 01:26:23 PM
I also thought success was a reconciled M. Now, I know, that surviving and thriving despite the ride/journey we were/are on is true success. We need to be able to live our lives with joy and personal growth. If we don't, we will be stuck just like so many of the MLCers we read about here. 
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trying2bok

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#83: January 16, 2019, 06:21:32 PM
Well yes I have to agree it would have been a lot better if something a little less devastating could have lead to personal growth. But I have chosen to be grateful for the lesson. Even with the losses I've suffered.

At one time I used to think maybe the depth of despair you may suffer also will equal the amount of joy you will feel.

I have made a friend of someone who used to post here quite some time ago.Met her in person. She's full of life wonderful personality.Her ex married the ow and left the state they lived in.

I asked her why she stopped posting. And she said it wasn't helping her move on .
So in some instances us relating past stories etc. Might keep us stuck in that mode, maybe someone's story triggers us, causes anxiety, sometimes sadness, sometimes anger.We try to help each other..but no one will let go and let God until they have had enough.There's no telling anyone anything, I've found. Everyone has to decide for themselves.

People here tolerate disrespectful behavior from these MLCers right down the line to physical abuse and still cannot let go. They may cut contact but cannot seem to detach.

The goal is to heal, love yourself first. Know you deserve better.
You cannot heal, fix or change them.They are adults.

Sometimes it''s hard to heal when you keep relating and/ or
 reliving your own passed painful experiences.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#84: January 18, 2019, 06:12:33 PM
Very true, In It. Listening to all the stories here can be overwhelming. I think it could cause some to be stuck. Especially if all you read about is the people who continue to Stand. This goes back to feeling like you have failed. The only time you fail is if you don't stay true to your core person.

So if your core self says Stand forever, you Stand forever. If your core self says you have had enough, then you move on. Each story is individual and each outcome is an individual's choice.
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trying2bok

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#85: January 18, 2019, 06:32:29 PM
Personally now I don't feel like I failed.
I did feel that way at BD and D.

This time I stood up for myself spoke out about the abuse and stayed true to myself and moved on.
Each of us has to have time to reflect back on that old relationship and ask ourselves.

 Was it really for the most part THAT good?

And if we really do honestly think it was then..can we still say the same thing now as we get lied to and cheated on and disrespected while some of us are still married?
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Old Timers thread 4
#86: January 19, 2019, 02:55:27 AM
Very true, In It. Listening to all the stories here can be overwhelming. I think it could cause some to be stuck. Especially if all you read about is the people who continue to Stand. This goes back to feeling like you have failed. The only time you fail is if you don't stay true to your core person.

So if your core self says Stand forever, you Stand forever. If your core self says you have had enough, then you move on. Each story is individual and each outcome is an individual's choice.
Interesting discussion - it is true that if you are attached to the past, it is difficult to move on. Even as a stander, I find that dwellling on the past is counter productive - what is in the past is done with, it is over. Each day is a new day, full of opportunities to live better, love better and bless others.

There has been some discussion on other threads about the 'impossibility' of forgiveness. I can totally understand thinking like that and knowing that I am not God who cleans our slate, I know, though, that letting go of the past and looking forward helps to attain this state of forgiveness as it says here:
Quote
Quote
Philippians 3:12-16

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies be­hind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in any­thing you think otherwise, God will re­veal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
Bold emphasis mine


I found myself saying to a friend the other day  (a doctor in behavioral and evolutionary psychology), that I was very happy that my children had a close relationship with their dad, happy for them and happy for him - perhaps that was mission accomplished in this matter? On the other hand, I still have a future to take hold of and I press on :)

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BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#87: January 21, 2019, 04:50:52 PM
Mitz, pressing on is all we can do. Otherwise we are stuck in the past. I wish that my kids and their dad have a decent relationship. I told them early on not to cut him out, that it would leave a big hole in their hearts. It is their relationship to forge together. I am out of the mix.

I hope I can find forgiveness for my xH. I have no contact with him. There is no reason to. He has his OW and I have my boyfriend. I am happier, but less stable financially, but I still have it better than most.

I would never take my x back. I don't want to constantly be looking over my shoulder. I don't have it in me to mend what went wrong any longer. I looked at my part in the demise of the M and have repaired what needed fixing on my part. xH didn't have any respect for how hard I was working. He told me once, before the D that he saw how hard I was working, but he just wasn't happy, so I let him go.
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trying2bok

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#88: January 22, 2019, 03:30:00 AM
I wouldn't ever take the ex back either
I have much different reasons.
I am much happier with my life and new relationship now than I pretty much ever was with him.
Forgiveness yeah I can forgive him, doesn't mean I have to have anything to do with him.
I had to forgive myself first for accepting the way I was treated.
Financially it's been a struggle, but not having to deal with him has been a blessing.
I've fixed what was wrong with me..no way to fix what's wrong with him.I have neither the compassion or patience nor do I care to understand. I don't have it in me either learning.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.What you allow continues.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
#89: January 22, 2019, 06:10:15 AM
I would never take my x back. I don't want to constantly be looking over my shoulder. I don't have it in me to mend what went wrong any longer. I looked at my part in the demise of the M and have repaired what needed fixing on my part. xH didn't have any respect for how hard I was working. He told me once, before the D that he saw how hard I was working, but he just wasn't happy, so I let him go.

I've fixed what was wrong with me..no way to fix what's wrong with him.I have neither the compassion or patience nor do I care to understand. I don't have it in me either learning.
Ditto

I have to say that - I think I do understand and maybe our exes are not in MLC but it is really up to them to change, not us.

I waited my whole life for my mother to change, did not happen, she passed away instead.

Somehow I feel the same thing can be said about our exes too.
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