[Yo]

Hola!

Thank you for your posts! ❤️

Limboland, did you start the list? You are going to be amazed with the things that are going to come up out of it!
Curiosity, thank you for encouraging me to keep posting!
Faithwalker, Thank you for being here!!!!

I would like to have more time to post but after my “lists” lots of good things have come to me and one of them is a new job as I told you, that has been improving in a very short time. I have been offered a promotion! I have to slow down with my business just for a few months but I think it worth it.

All these great things have been happening since I change my focus, instead of being worried about H and crisis I directed my thoughts and energy to me.
I just analyzed what I wanted to be and have, just for me and myself, and then started to work in thoughts, to believe that I worth it. My lists were very important because I felt that it was just one step and once I was there it was just another one. So here I am in the process to have a better life each day!

Related to H I don’t really know what was first, if I stopped looking at his crisis and that helped, or him getting out of the tunnel and that made it easier to me. I would like to think that I did a good job with detachment but maybe external factors helped.
Maybe is not related at all but to be honest I don’t care. 😄

Talking about H, sometimes he is the old H with all the nice things that made me fall in love with him, mostly the part that makes me feel safe.
And sometimes the new H appears, but almost always with a positive outcome.
Last week he told me that he wanted  to start a new hobby, and is to build scale cars or motorcycles, he said that is something to help him with his patience and tolerance and to work with the frustration in order to be a happier person!  Nice!

I have to wake up early in the morning so I have to go but I’ll be around.
Just remember that is not greater wealth than peace of mind and peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others. ❤️

[Curiosity]

Wise words about peace of mind and not wanting to change others. I notice that my W sometimes behaves like the person with whom I fell in love, sometimes more independent and caught up in her own interests… but then I realize that that’s true of me too. When we first got involved, W and I were joined at the hip - rarely spent much time apart, participated in hobbies together. Now, we have grown to accept and (certainly in my case) cherish the differences as much as the similarities. It’s great to spend time together but pursuing our individual interests is also rewarding. Even the differences in how we go about doing the housework are helpful - we don’t step on each other’s toes, we each take on some of the things that the other person doesn’t like doing.

What matters is the mindset and emotional state underlying those separate interests and activities - are we doing it to avoid spending time together, or are we pursuing our separate interests in order to be the best versions of ourselves that we can, recognizing that that’s essential to a healthy relationship?

[Yo]

That is the same exact questions I have!
I wonder if couples that haven’t passed through this crisis, end up like this, to be the best version of themselves or avoiding something as you say Curiosity…

[Curiosity]

It’s true… I mean, I have seen couples who were together in high school and who are now, in their 70s, every bit as much in love as they were back then. They are truly living their best lives as individuals and together. I can’t even have envy or any other negative emotion, because it’s so heartwarming to see these people who are complete, whole individuals and who so perfectly complement each other. But realistically, there are couples together just as long, who are codependent or who bicker or who just seem to coexist without any deeper connection. Maybe those couples, in some cases, have avoidance issues that just never escalated to MLC, and they just adapted to the unhealthy aspects of their relationships. I mean, no individual is perfect and certainly no relationship is perfect. But healthy partnership should be something that enriches the lives of both people, not just a safety net to avoid being alone.

And I think that it is certainly possible to find that later in life or as a second chance - either with a new partner or through genuine reconnection and reconciliation with a healed MLC spouse. It might not have the fairy tale aspects of childhood sweethearts who were always deeply in love (and I’m sure even those relationships had their hard times), but it’s every bit as real and perhaps even more cherished in some cases because of the work it took to get through the struggles.

[Yo]

Yesterday I was talking to a good friend and she explained her marriage divided in 3 stages
First years, infatuation
Next years, rising kids and hard work
Last years, enjoying a detached love with a sense of peace
And I was thinking that this is how I feel about my process  but the difference is that hers was gradual and our had a 5 years or more of a gap with a constant  roller coaster 
and maybe this is why we are sometimes expecting a fairy tail when reconnection or reconciliation…

And talking about other thing, maybe is not important but I would like to share anyway…
H used to be strong and cold minded whit sad news or things like that
I remember that he had a very important situation (which I think triggered his crisis)
He had to brake in to his aunt and grandmother’s house because they didn’t answer the phone and found a very shocking picture, he was the one that called the police, identified the people who did it, and arrange the funeral. He was sad and mad but centered and calm
Now he can’t even stand bad news, last week I was telling him that our friends kid died, to know if he wanted us to visit them or something but he stopped me and told me that he didn’t wanted to know what happened. 
This is not the first time that I notice he can’t with this kind of things. I just listen and understand but is really sad to see that his heart is really hurt 😔

[MadLuv]

Yo- My XH is similar. After we lost our 14 year old daughter to cancer he could not handle anyone coming in at work and saying they were upset they lost their Grandmother or anyone for that matter. He said they had more years then her. He had no empathy at all.

[Yo]

Hola!
MadLuv,  I understand your H can’t handle someone else talking about a lost, nothing can be compared with the lost of a child! I admire your strength and warm heart. Thanks for being here!

Update…
Today I  have an interesting talk with H,
MIL has have some issues, I don’t know if is a mental situation or just emotional but is something that she has been struggling with since H was a little kid.
For years she had been ok checked by a very good doctor but lately it seems like meds are not working.
H told me that sometimes he thought that he was having the same issues as his mother because he felt anxiety, depression and some other feelings like those, and that he was really scared about it,
he says that now he knows it isn’t, but he can’t still say the word “crisis”, is like he is starting to understand what happened to him but for some reason is not completely comfortable talking about it.

I understand now why he didn’t want to go to therapy, he says that he didn’t wanted to be medicated and be like absent like his mother during his childhood
Is really sad! And it makes me think, again, that MLC is directly related with childhood issues

Despite all the things that are happening in his life, he takes the time to ask how I feel and how my day is going. He listens and give opinions about it which makes me realize  that he is not self centered anymore.

[Acorn]

Hi Yo, it’s good to read your recent posts and see that there are positive developments in your husband and relationship.

You seem to be realistic in your assessment of the situation by not indulging in assumptions.  At the same time, you refuse to take on the attitude of ‘glass half empty’ but rather, see and appreciate positive developments.  That attitude perhaps explains the vibe I get from your posts — you seem to be at peace with where things stand in terms of his healing and relationship.  You are not in a hurry for a full marital reconciliation, you do not rub his nose in the mess he made, you have no need to exact your pound of flesh by laying out all his ‘sins’ and demanding apologies (I’m of the opinion that they will come in due time when he is healed and grown enough; preferably, in action.).

What I appreciate about your posts is that you have not engaged in denigrating your husband, you did not poke him to try to fix him, you did not lecture at him with a holier-than-thou attitude, or share with him your analysis of what’s in HIS head, etc.  In short, you showed understanding and compassion, all the while upholding the dignity of both of you and maintaining the boundaries that are enforceable at your end.  In my humble opinion, you have shown what a loving and empathetic stander looks like. 

I wish you further wisdom and strength as you continue on with what you have been doing. 

Hugs!

[Yo]

Hola!

Acorn!!!!!!!! Lots of right guesses I did them thanks to your advice!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH! You were and still are an inspiration to all of us!
The part that you said about not demanding the apologies, you are right, I haven’t, but to be honest some times I would like him to do that 🤭

I think that he is trying some times to compensate some things with actions such as bringing food so I don’t have to cook or buying new tires for my car, he listens a lot, even when my talk is not interesting for him. And I know that is a way to say I am sorry, but it would be nice to hear it.
Anyway I am happy for what he has improved and for my own good and peace of mind, I try to appreciate every effort he makes.

[Acorn]

The part that you said about not demanding the apologies, you are right, I haven’t, but to be honest some times I would like him to do that

I get it completely, Yo.  Who knows, he may express how remorseful he is for all the pain he caused when you least expect it.  I dare say, by that time (if that happens), you won’t need to hear them but will appreciate them all the same.  What really counts is his actions as he seems to be showing you. 

‘Sorry you were feeling hurt.’ Is a throwaway statement, almost blaming the victim.  ‘It pains me deeply that I hurt you so much.  I’m so sorry.  Please forgive me’ is meaningful, I’d say.  That came when I least expected — while taking out the garbage and recycling together.