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Our Community / Re: Best of Times and the Worst of Times
« Latest by marvin4242 on Today at 01:14:59 AM »
Hi HF:

I wanted to say you sound like you are doing pretty well all things considering. It hasn’t been that long yet and you are finding a firm footing, sorting out what you need, what is best. I can imagine its not easy, and there may be ups and downs but keep going.

These are great questions you are asking. For me I always remind myself I don’t have to make any decisions until I absolutely have to. So as you are saying in a way just sit with these thoughts. Are there any immediate pressures to make any decision at this time?
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My H has never mourned anyone. Not in the classical way. He’s quite disconnected when anyone passes. Feels sorry for himself, but that’s about it. Even his father. However he’s been dreaming about his father lately, close to ten years after his passing. Said to me, last night, that he never grieves death. He loses several friends a year, three so far this year, and he never shows any emotion other than the pity party he’s throws for himself. So do the MLC’ers mourn the AP? What if mine doesn’t?

Only you can decide if that is a deal-breaker for you or not...

He’s been isolating himself lately. Nightmares continue, but now they are about other things, no longer the OW or what he did to me. His sleep is all over the place and he’s been sleeping on the couch here and there. It’s odd. But what isn’t?!? I mean, just a few months ago he said that he needed me by his side and if I was sitting on the couch, I needed to be right next to him. I needed to go to bed and get up with him. Never leave his side. -He still doesn’t want me traveling with all of the kids because he doesn’t want to be alone, but he’s definitely isolating.

Does he have an IC? This looks to my VERY untrained eye like some sort of PTSD or reaction to the past... It is something that is probably close to the root of the cause of his MLC in the first place... The other option is that he is simply controlling and playing the "pursuit and distance" game

No monstering. No talk of divorce. No claiming he misses OW. No more talk about how he’s going to die soon (because of Twin Flame separation). Just isolating.
So, he is probably in OW/Affair Buzz withdrawal

He’s nice to the kids.
Well, that is something....

Disconnected from me, emotionally, but still talks to me all day long through text. We are friends, intimate friends, who say they love each other. But I don’t know if I’ve done that or him. I feel like he takes cues from me and last weekend I told him that I feel like we are just best friends, after he said something about connecting with me and then losing that feeling because I threw my clothes on real fast. Idk. I explained I was tired and thought we were done but then I had to compare how he loves me like he loves his best friend. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Friends with Benefits?

I feel like I’m guarded and keeping him at arms length when it comes to my heart and he can feel it radiating off of me. Even says he can feel things radiating off of me, even though I am super nice and upbeat and pleasant. My energy just isn’t there, I guess.
Trust is earned and once betrayed, it is a difficult task to regain it... That is to be expected. What does he think, that he has waved his "magic wand" and everything that has happened has suddenly vanished into this air as if it never happened?  This may be where MC would be of benefit for both of you IF the Therapist is good...

I feel like I’m sabotaging myself or maybe it’s just my instincts kicking in and I’m giving him space. Who knows. I still feel completely bonded to him and I’m trying to bring myself back to the book The Art or Falling in Love, but I have so much on my plate that I can’t find the time or interest I guess. That sounds awful. Ugh. Now I’m rambling. Just wanted to talk.
That is called "being attaached." Your emotional state is still coupled with his...

I guess his isolation gives me more time to work on my own issues and better my character.
The question is "how much chasing do you want to do?" In a real R, there is mutuality. The partners meet each other half-way.  Sometimes one side or the other has to do a little extra work but it can not be one-sided and a majority of the time. Then the R is out of balance...

Oh and I’ve started forcing myself into finally move completely into this house we’ve been sharing for seven months. The stuff is here, I just haven’t started decorating or finished unpacking. So this week I decided to show him (and myself) that I’m confident in our decision to move back in together by hanging pictures, organizing the garage and purchasing things for the house. -If I’m going to show confidence in our decision, I can’t keep living in fear that he’s going to abandon me again and I’ll have to move out.

Who has one foot out of the door and one foot in now? 🙋🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

No guts, no glory! I had to take a deep breath and step over my shadow when I moved out of my flat and in with my partner at the beginning of the pandemic.  It takes a significant amount of intestinal fortitude to give up one's total independence and begin an R again, with anyone let alone someone who has already done one dirty...
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Our Community / Re: Dear Diary… (half joking about this title)
« Latest by JustA on June 23, 2021, 11:12:48 PM »
My H has never mourned anyone. Not in the classical way. He’s quite disconnected when anyone passes. Feels sorry for himself, but that’s about it. Even his father. However he’s been dreaming about his father lately, close to ten years after his passing. Said to me, last night, that he never grieves death. He loses several friends a year, three so far this year, and he never shows any emotion other than the pity party he’s throws for himself. So do the MLC’ers mourn the AP? What if mine doesn’t?

He’s been isolating himself lately. Nightmares continue, but now they are about other things, no longer the OW or what he did to me. His sleep is all over the place and he’s been sleeping on the couch here and there. It’s odd. But what isn’t?!? I mean, just a few months ago he said that he needed me by his side and if I was sitting on the couch, I needed to be right next to him. I needed to go to bed and get up with him. Never leave his side. -He still doesn’t want me traveling with all of the kids because he doesn’t want to be alone, but he’s definitely isolating.

No monstering. No talk of divorce. No claiming he misses OW. No more talk about how he’s going to die soon (because of Twin Flame separation). Just isolating.

He’s nice to the kids. Disconnected from me, emotionally, but still talks to me all day long through text. We are friends, intimate friends, who say they love each other. But I don’t know if I’ve done that or him. I feel like he takes cues from me and last weekend I told him that I feel like we are just best friends, after he said something about connecting with me and then losing that feeling because I threw my clothes on real fast. Idk. I explained I was tired and thought we were done but then I had to compare how he loves me like he loves his best friend. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I feel like I’m guarded and keeping him at arms length when it comes to my heart and he can feel it radiating off of me. Even says he can feel things radiating off of me, even though I am super nice and upbeat and pleasant. My energy just isn’t there, I guess.

I feel like I’m sabotaging myself or maybe it’s just my instincts kicking in and I’m giving him space. Who knows. I still feel completely bonded to him and I’m trying to bring myself back to the book The Art or Falling in Love, but I have so much on my plate that I can’t find the time or interest I guess. That sounds awful. Ugh. Now I’m rambling. Just wanted to talk.

I guess his isolation gives me more time to work on my own issues and better my character.

Oh and I’ve started forcing myself into finally move completely into this house we’ve been sharing for seven months. The stuff is here, I just haven’t started decorating or finished unpacking. So this week I decided to show him (and myself) that I’m confident in our decision to move back in together by hanging pictures, organizing the garage and purchasing things for the house. -If I’m going to show confidence in our decision, I can’t keep living in fear that he’s going to abandon me again and I’ll have to move out.

Who has one foot out of the door and one foot in now? 🙋🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
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Our Community / Co Parent Counseling
« Latest by Treasur on June 23, 2021, 10:34:46 PM »
Out of interest, Father, if it is legally mandated, you might want to check with your L if that means any agreements you make will hold legal force in your custody agreement?

Do you have an IC?
If so, you might want to talk over what YOU want before the coparenting counselling. If not, maybe think out loud here and other parents can help. If your stbxw feels cornered as you say, cornered folks rarely behave well or rationally. Going in with a clear (short) list of what you see as relevant topics might make it easier for you to say ‘i’m sorry you feel that way but no, i’m not prepared to discuss that, only coparenting issues like x or y’. and keep some boundaries in place.
Just a thought....
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Our Community / Best of Times and the Worst of Times
« Latest by HeavenlyFocus on June 23, 2021, 09:37:47 PM »
Thx Nas for the encouragement!

Journaling:

Well, I am enjoying my trip away from home to watch my daughter in her competition.   I also went to a sporting event and am playing golf tomorrow.   Working a little bit in between too.   

As for my inner thoughts,  I am currently focused on two main things 1)  My next steps in my life (Excluding Relationships)   2)  Do I continue to Stand?

First on my next steps.  I am setting goals for myself.  1).  Job promotion  2). Exercise and Eat Better (Doing well with exercise, ways to go with eating better) 3)  Expanding hobbies (starting with golf)  4)  Developing social strategy for the fall (Family life took up most of time previously)  I'm overall excited about the changes in my life.

As the same time I'm asking the question:  Do I continue to Stand?   With my wife filing, it really has caused me to think about whether I should stand.   I have thought about two things to help me answer this.

1.  Reading old threads from this forum.   It has really helped me to see the journeys and the strength of the my fellow LBSers as they work through their own struggles with their MLCers.   I see so many similarities in how MLCers act and also the various ways that the LBSers have handled things.  I also have to laugh  at SS's thread talking about the Charmed TV show and all the other comments about other TV shows.   My W started binge watching shows and some of them were dark and not uplifting while she lived at home.   I couldn't stand to watch some of the shows and could see how her inner turmoil was driving her TV programming.

2. Achieving Clarity in spite of Uncertainty:   Marvin's thread outlining the difference between clarity and uncertainty really helped me put things together.  I absolutely have clarity that my W's MLC is primarily being driven due to her chronic health issues that started just before college as well as her life threatening complications that she experienced over 10 years ago.

You see my W almost died and had a near death experience.  She has only talked about it with me 1 or 2 times and she described to me feeling empty and numb over 10 years ago immediately following surgery.   In some respect, I can see that we both needed counseling as her near death impacted our marriage and  both of our life lives.  The lack of being independent after college (we started dating as she completed college) as well as the underlying anxiety/depression following her extreme illness ultimately triggered her MLC.

I accept and completely understand her MLC.

Now what to do?  Hmmmmmmmm?  Well, I have decided that I will still continue to stand in the interim until the divorce is final or until she goes public with an OM.  I have heard from her parents as well as from one of her close college friends.   Although they won't say it, I know they are worried about my W.    For now, I will focus on GAL and leave her be.   She will need to show signs of wanting to reverse course, go to church, MC, and get rid of all communication   with Other Men.

If she reaches of point of no return, then I will let her go.

Will keep you updated on any progress and am working to not read into any actions or behaviors from W at this point.   

HF

6
Our Community / Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
« Latest by OffRoad on June 23, 2021, 07:35:42 PM »
  Oh well - I am going to see the world one of these days and if there are no travelling companions I am going anyway.     
Heck yeah!!! It's awesome. There are some things that are better with a traveling companion, but a lot of things are great when you can go as slow as you'd like.  Or "waste" half the day sleeping. Or hike half the hill, then decide you don't want to finish and the world won't come to an end. Or eat dinner at 3 pm. Or 11PM. Or take picture after picture after picture of every pictograph or petroglyph. Or go from dawn until dusk in  any place over 47 N degrees latitude. Or go through all the kitschy souvenir shops. 

It's a fun time, with or without traveling companions. Don't pencil that in, write it out in bold marker!
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Our Community / Co Parent Counseling
« Latest by OffRoad on June 23, 2021, 06:38:12 PM »
Co-Parenting has zero to with OM. You are the parent. She is the parent. OM does not actually get a say in the co-parenting. As some suggestions, consider OurFamilyWizard or the like. Say you'd like to use it so that everything can be kept track of in one place, instead of texts or emails or phone calls or all three. Don't bite at anything she says reagrding OM. In fact, OM should not be at the counseling session. Ask your L if there is a way to prevent that from happening. If OM's name comes up in any context, be prepared with some kind of mantra, like "I'd like to stay on track with you and I co-parenting." And "OM has nothing to do with what we are discussing, I'd like to stay on track with you and I co-parenting." or "I'm sorry, that has nothing to do with co-parenting, could we please stay on track with you and I co-parenting." Find one that works for you that you can use.

Figure out what you consider to be dangerous (Does OM have firearms in the house? Are they locked up correctly? Do you?). Make sure your side of the street is clear.  Do you have custody decided, or is this supposedly part of it?
8
Our Community / Love and insanity
« Latest by stillbaffled on June 23, 2021, 05:39:17 PM »
Tornup - you have landed in a place that will offer support,  compassion and wisdom. 

Post as often as you wish.  There are many folks here that will lend an ear and offer you advice.  Take what works best for you and your situation. 

My sincere condolences on the loss of your daughter. 
9
Our Community / Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
« Latest by 9393roo on June 23, 2021, 04:24:49 PM »
Just a personal note here Acorn, I purchased this is audiobook and listened to it in my 5 hours of driving today.  My sisters and I are dealing with aging parents and the issues that come a long with this.  Our Dad is Bipolar and we have decided to start "Courageous Conversations" with him when he is low and listening.  I led the conversation today and after listening to a lot of this book I tried some of the vocabulary out on my Dad.  What a difference our conversation made.  It was open and honest for the first time in years.  I have been starting to use some of the techniques proposed here on my H as well before I even knew they were techniques.  We are calmly talking now almost every conversation. 

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has interactions with anyone.  I am one of the ones described in the book who often have felt I didn't get my needs met in our relationship to keep the peace.  I am speaking up more and more with calmness and directness and identifying what my needs really are. 

Just passed this title to all of my sisters.  They were all super impressed on the difference the right language can make. 

Thanks again Acorn! 

 https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41iSvvwsRyL._SL500_.jpg

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Our Community / Co Parent Counseling
« Latest by readytofixmyselffirst on June 23, 2021, 03:37:59 PM »
Hello,

Quote
The fact that she's suggesting co-parenting counseling as a means to acceptance of the OM suggests to me (FWIW) that she's putting herself and her relationship with OM ahead of all else.

This is a great point. Her relationship with OM has nothing to do with co-parenting. I never dealt with OM and my children and if I was in the same position as you, I wouldn't accept him either. No, we are not going to shoot pool or drink a beer together. We would never be friends. Now if my ex became involved with someone new, I would be totally different and chill towards that guy. My ex and are are divorced and he had nothing to do with the end of our marriage. OM did and they know what they are doing.

Quote
This has been her attempt to say that I am an angry individual with anger management problems.

I would state that she attempts to create trouble and bringing OM around you was down to purposefully create a scene between you and OM in front of the children. Judges really frown upon others attempts to manipulate the system and to intentionally create dangerous situations especially with the children involved.

Because in the end, if she knows you have anger issues, why would she bring OM with the children? So she purposely put her children in danger. Does that sound like a responsible parent?

I am going to tell you this again, this is all business and you are in this situation to win, that's it. She will walk all over you and not batt an eye, Trust me, she is in it to win.

I know this is hard for you, because deep down, you've still have feelings for her and you don't want to be hard on her. However, this is a time to set all feelings for her aside and do what is right for you and your children. Its going to hurt, but its going to hurt more in the long run if you don't.

Be good to yourself,

(((((Ready)))))


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