[5hilmerton]

Never thought i would get to 150 posts but i did so here is the start of my new thread. 

And link to the old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11500 - UM

H is 73 going through an Elder Crisis. Married 40 years at BD 5/2019 H left on vacation to see his family 12/19.  We are still married no talk of divorce to date H still on vacation. H is an infrequent contactor maybe once a month when he needs something. H is in REPLAY  high energy living the life.  Minimal contact with our adult children. My S32 refuses to let go and will contact H once a week. Our oldest D39 loves her Dad but is extremely angry with him and will not try to communicate with him. She does initiate weekly "kid chat" making sure they are talking about our family dynamics. Our middle D33 is seriously in the middle she is very hurt with it all but still maintains contact as much as allowed within her emotionally and H. She respects both of her siblings feelings and comments and works to keep everyone in a more calm and logical place.

I am recovering from a dual spinal nerve block so i have too much time do nothing but read laying flat. I find this most inconvenient when i really just want to be outside.  Going to try some small inquisitive walks today.  Tomorrow i go to the hand surgeon for my two follow up on my fingers that fought with the lawn mower blades.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching....

[Kimber]

Jees, 73 and going through this. My MLCer is an infrequent contacter as well.

I am finding that boredom is getting to be an issue with me so I can understand being laid up would be problematic.

If this is anything, it is a lesson in patience.

[5hilmerton]

Kimber
I am pretty patient i just love being outside and staying busy keeps me from over thinking. Yea who would have known that the man i married when i was 17, who treated me like the most important woman in the world, would suddenly become an Alien.

My solace in all of this is we had 40 amazing years raising 3 of most incredible children. Words that keep me going from my D: 
"It’s just all around hard and doesn’t make sense.
You might not have dad here but you’ll always have what you and dad created and that’s this family."

[5hilmerton]

So i was listening to Kenda's Facebook Live last night and she said "they seldom return" .  It's not that i have never heard this before.  But it got me to thinking we ALL have heard this before.  Why do so many of us still have hope that the fog will clear??  I realize it will never be the same but one can only hope.

Last night i dreamt about H cuddling in bed with someone else and my family and i were there present for some reason.  We had the opportunity to let her know that i was his wife of 40 years and they were his children. She was faceless as i have never seen an OW.  Just thought it was odd that my thoughts after Kenda's FB live triggered this dream.

[barbiedoll]

they seldom return

Hello 5Hilmerton...just reading along.  Hope you are feeling better very soon.  It is interesting that it has been frequently stated that they often never return. I wonder what it is that makes some return home and others never look back.  My H told me directly ( more than once) that the marriage was over, he had been trying to leave for years and that he would NEVER come back.  He said that once he finally "got out" nothing would ever make him come back . He meant it , as shocking as it was .  Its a blur, I cannot remember if I believed him or not . I think I was in shock-fog.  And he left.

Out of the absolute blue he came to my workplace 3 1/2 months later and was desperate to come home, be forgiven and "fix what he broke".   Why?.  I had 90% no contact with him so wanting to come home was as shocking as wanting to leave.  I have asked him why he came back at all.   His reasons ( to me) are shallow and meaningless in comparison to the tragedy he created for so many. He said he realized he made a huge mistake, that he never really truly wanted to leave (?), that it was all a fantasy (hmmm... a fantasy about having another women? Freedom?) . He swears he had a "mental breakdown" and should have been hospitalized.  He realized how much he loved me apparently .  As I said, no reason changed anything inside of me.

But what I will say is this. Coming back as a man who abandoned his family and his job as protector , head of his family and leader  is hard.  And that everyone knows he was with another women , is the hardest most shame filled thing to face . I believe facing 5 daughters and their tears took super human determination to right your wrongs. I am not sure I could ever ever do that.  I belive many of these men "want" to return but fear, shame, ego and failure keeps them running.  Imagine trying to clean up such a deep tragic mistake?  I can tell you, it is the hardest if not near impossible thing to fix....it can never truly be fixed.  What was shocking was clearly my husband had zero " forethought".  Absolutely no insight into what the future will hold if he leaves, has an affair and destroys his family. He never thought about the future whatsoever.  If I do A and B then C will be the consequences is NOT functioning ...everything he did was thru some deep emotional desperation . I KNOW with certaintity that he profoundly  "shocked" himself when he became " that man" ...he became his father. The last thing he ever would aspire to.  He has never waivered in his absolute determination to fix his family...against the most extreme odds.  What they do is so shocking , so saturated in shame as a man and father that few can turn around , face it and try to put it back together.  Even to face their children is too hard for some...many it appears.  I belive this.  It would be interesting to know why some can face their mess and others cannot.  I am not sure I could . It has been devastating for everyone that ever loved him .

[xyzcf]

So i was listening to Kenda's Facebook Live last night and she said "they seldom return" .  It's not that i have never heard this before.  But it got me to thinking we ALL have heard this before.  Why do so many of us still have hope that the fog will clear??  I realize it will never be the same but one can only hope.

There is always hope. The fine dance we have is to build a life without them and not be "waiting" for the day when they return.

The idea of how many return has been debated many times here and really there is no way of calculating the percentage that return or really any "similarities" in those that do return. Too many variables.

Since I joined HS in May 2010, returns are few and far between.

I had hope because I truly saw us as a couple who had never had any serious problems in our marriage. It was and still is incomprehensible that one day he just told me I had to go. I had hope because he remained in contact and many other things that just never added up.

I have hope still that "nothing is impossible for God".

The fact that is was not just me that he drew away from, but also our daughter allowed me to understand that this was not a marriage issue.

I have hope because of the love I have for him. It has never gone away although I do realize it is love for the man he once was...not this person..yet even this person is still entitled to love, even as he rejects it.

Each of us were in different marriages, each of us have different values and beliefs and so no one should tell us ever that we cannot have hope or that we must "move on" because "they seldom return". Only we can decide for ourselves what and why we continue to have hope and be open to their return.

[Kimber]

Bookmarking your post, BD. So well put.

[billyluke]

Beautiful .. interesting posts.
They have no forethought.
I wonder if women.. who leave.. feel the same? Does a feeling of guilt, shame.. maybe a feeling that it will be the same as before.. does that keep them from trying again?

i love this quote.."no man ever steps in the same river twice. It's not the same river and he's not the same man."

[marvin4242]

Each of us were in different marriages, each of us have different values and beliefs and so no one should tell us ever that we cannot have hope or that we must "move on" because "they seldom return". Only we can decide for ourselves what and why we continue to have hope and be open to their return.

This is true, but the counter question is when does "hope" become a trap? When does telling others "there is always hope" becomes enabling delusions? I am not saying this the case, but I strongly believe in order to survive and thrive we MUST live in reality as it is, not as we WANT it to be.

I believe hope has to have very different meaning in year one, in year two, in year three etc etc. I respect everyone who chooses to stand for religious or personal reasons. But standing can not be the same as self destruction or martyrdom. We can not waive away this truth: if our spouse is going through what we say is "MLC" (because sometimes I think that is not the case) then they have going through a major psychological event. There is no "path," there is no "formula," it's not a recipe. They are not "baking" and every small "rest" is not healing.

The truth is to imply its just a matter of waiting it out is a major disservice. Hope has to start with a firm understanding of what is being faced, an understanding of the odds and the reality of the fact that our loved ones have fractured. Question is WHETHER they will ever find a footing to recover and if so WHEN. In my opinion it is something that needs to be constantly reevaluated. The answer can't be the same as we go through our own process. In my opinion the early "days" should be different than as time goes on.