Midlife Crisis > Resources

 Resources: About MLC

(1/30) > >>

Rollercoasterider:
Many of you come here and start a thread and somewhere on your post comment that you either don't know where your MLCer is in the stages, or that maybe he or she is in Depression or Withdrawal. So before you look through the resources and try to place your MLCer somewhere within the stages...
If your Bomb Drop was less than a year ago, your MLCer is in Replay.
If your Bomb Drop was within the last 18 months, your MLCer is in Replay.
If your Bomb Drop was within the last 24 months there is still a good chance that your MLCer is in Replay.

None of those statements hold true for all circumstances, but they do for most. Bomb Drop is either the start of Replay or comes soon after the start of Replay.

And regarding Withdrawal...
That is in many ways the most confusing to understand as a stage--I personally don't recognize it as something separate from Conway's (and thus HeartsBlessing) Stage 4: Depression or what I call Liminality. MLCers Escape and Avoid during Replay and many of you are interpreting this as Withdrawal. That is why it is poorly named--they withdraw throughout the crisis--just like Depression permeates the crisis.
Liminal Depression is the place where their avoidance attempts fail and the mask they have been wearing finally crumbles. But then what? They cannot return to the world without some sort of identification, that mask was who they knew as the person in the mirror. The other work of Liminality is to select which crumbled pieces to keep and use to rebuild the Self. Then they are reborn and they may seem to withdraw again or to continue withdrawing because they are uncertain of this new Self. It is built, but will it work? Will they like this person? They may eventually test this new Self in the world and this testing may or may not include new Replayish antics—afterall, it is testing. The MLCer may continue to return to Liminality to edit the new Self and then again test a newly born persona. This may happen many times or it may not.

But in most MLC situations it takes a few years before they enter Liminality for the first time. Go ahead and learn about the stages, but the only stage that most Newbies need to understand with a present focus is Replay.


* Midlife Crisis Overview
A brief review from the MLC Articles landing page.
* Midlife Crisis Introduction
This is more in-depth, in 16 parts. In a hurry? Start with the first three articles which introduce MLC, review the stages and introduce you to someone you may recognize; the MLC Monster.
* Understanding Infidelity
A 6-part article.

Rollercoasterider:
Midlife Crisis, Stress and Depression
http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/midlife.htm

Female Infidelity and Pre-MLC
Scroll to post #128
http://www.infidelity.com/forum/index.php?s=d973e35000aa9c56a8145de12d0b86a4&showtopic=481&st=120&p=10252&#entry10252

Crisis Or Just Stress? Cornell Researcher Finds The Midlife Crisis Is Less Common Than Many Believe
http://www.news.cornell.edu/releases/March01/midlife.crises.ssl.html

The Disquiet in Men
http://www.thedisquiet.com/

A Journey to the Wilderness of the Soul
Chapter 14 - Part 2: Humility: Stilling the Warrior
http://mensightmagazine.com/columns/manhood/chapter14.2.htm

Depression in Men
Real men don't need help, right? Think again.
http://www.mcmanweb.com/male_depression.html

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all

Rollercoasterider:
Mark Smith: Family Tree Counseling
Divorce Destroyer
http://familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=12

Divorce—A Mistake in Thinking
http://familytreecounseling.com/fullarticle.php?aID=11

Rollercoasterider:
The Stages of Midlife Crisis
Overview
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_stages.html

In his book Men in Midlife Crisis, Jim Conway applies Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief with adjustments to Midlife Crisis.

Stages of Grief: Kübler-Ross1

* Denial
* Anger
* Bargaining
* Depression
* AcceptanceStages of MLC: Conway2

* Denial
* Anger
* Replay
* Depression
* Withdrawal
* Acceptance
According to Conway, Midlife Crisis ranges on average from 2-7 years. The crisis often begins slowly, beneath detection from outside sources. Anger follows in the failure of Denial. This then leads to the Avoidance that is Replay, ensuring the transition becomes a crisis. Denial attempts to maintain; midlife avoidance pursues lost youth via regression, falsely creating greater distance to death.

The application of stages is useful, but also has the negative effect of false security in the idea that they create a predictable map. Each person’s journey will have similarities as well as great variation. The early stages are most similar, with greater divergence deeper in the Midlife Tunnel. Archetypal themes are the predominate forces driving the crisis in the beginning; but as each person progresses, his personal lost fragments surface, yielding divergent pathways.

There is also a danger in viewing the stages as ordered steps in the process. Literal terms for the stages, such as those used by Conway, can be confusing when describing emotions and conditions which are not isolated to the stages they reference. Midlife Crisis is about Denial and Depression; both of these permeate all stages. Overt and Covert Depression are an overarching theme of the journey. Neither of these is isolated to certain stages. The same is true of Anger, which is often an outward expression of Depression. And as for Acceptance, acceptance of what? Some think that their MLCer is in Acceptance because she seems to accept that the marriage is over—often at the beginning of the crisis. An MLCer may seem to have accepted that the marriage is over and everything is your fault. But is that the stage called Acceptance? Just like there are many things to deny, be angry at or depressed about, there are many things to accept and the stage or phase called Acceptance refers to a specific set of things and type of acceptance.

Replay is Conway’s only metaphorical term, so named because at this point the midlifer seeks to return to his lost youth, reliving such experiences “One More Time.” This fantasy phase invades all areas of life. For some it is re-experiencing previously fulfilled dreams to prove youthful vigor and capabilities, for those whose dreams were unfulfilled, the youthful regression may be even more severe. It is a different type of Denial—rather an escape in which there is an admission of midlife and aging, yielding an attempt to flee the inevitable through youthful regression. Many midlifers in Conway’s Replay stage spew venomous anger and hatred at their spouses. This anger differs from Conway’s label of Anger which refers to general anger with God and life; the victim’s why me? cry at the unfairness of life.

In his book In Midlife A Jungian Perspective, Murray Stein identifies three stages of a Midlife Transition.3


* Separation
* Liminality
* Reintegration
Since a Midlife Crisis is a Midlife Transition of catastrophic levels, the transition stages must be a part of the Crisis stages. I will use the stages outlined below. These are not a Map, but rather a loose structure for the process of growth. The phases cycle and recycle throughout the Midlife Journey. For this reason the main phases may be viewed as a loose order, but the subphases are synergistic characteristics rather than ordered steps.

Pre-Midlife: Accommodation

* Separation
* Rejection & Refusal
* Resentment
* Replay (Covert Depression)
* Liminality or Liminal/Overt Depression
* Rebirth
* Reintegration
Separation may begin with Rejection & Refusal, but these do not end to allow for Resentment which in turn does not end to allow for Replay. Replay is the result of the integration of Rejection & Refusal and Resentment. Replay is Covert Depression—a denial of depression—which leads to anger as rage or stoicism with outbursts of rage. It is a snowball effect, with each characteristic adding to the others to create Separation. I call the Depression stage both Liminality and Liminal Depression because it makes it something less dangerous or frightening—rather than something wrong as is commonly considered; instead it is a time for self contemplation where a person retreats inward.

A midlife transition is the bridge between Accommodation, the life before midlife, and Individuation, the life path following midlife. It is liminal; the MLC phase of Liminality is a midlife transition. Separation is a mini phase of preparation for Liminality and its MLC characteristics may not be present; Rebirth and Reintegration are the acceptance and experience of the anxiety that comes from leaping without turning backwards into avoidance again. They are mini phases of preparation for reentrance into the world and Individuation. In MLC denial of the transition leads to a prolonged Separation phase which may be longer than Liminality. Growth and development—progress—is a function of Liminality.


* Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan, 1969.
* Conway, Jim. Men in Midlife Crisis. Colorado Springs: Cook Communications Ministries, Rev ed., 1997.
* Stein, Murray. In Midlife. Putnam CT: Spring Publications, 1983.

Rollercoasterider:
Separation
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation.html


* Separation
* Rejection & Refusal
* Resentment
* Replay (Covert Depression)
Separation refers to the splitting of the Persona or Identity from the Ego. For the Midlifer in Crisis, this stage is extended and may be the longest of the three. The superficial fears of aging—growing children, dying parents, futility of life, send the MLCer into Rejection & Refusal manifested as futile attempts to stave off the natural process of aging: increased exercise, weight loss, new hobbies or activities, concern over thinning hair. The motivation is not a desire for a healthier lifestyle to benefit the Golden Years, but rather fear of death and dying. The person in crisis is trying to prevent the inevitable.

Youth is painfully visible on the distant horizon—almost within grasp. The Midlifer applies glue to the Persona-mask, prolonging its bond to the Ego. But the cracking of the mask continues, giving way to Resentment.

Rejection & Refusal
To deny is to refuse or ignore a consciously intolerable reality. There are various types of denial; the two most relevant to MLC are listed below.

Simple Denial: This is the characteristic I refer to as Rejection & Refusal. It is Rejection & Refusal of an unpleasant fact or feeling and a preparation for later stages of Midlife Crisis leading toward Reintegration and an acceptance of one's Self. Denial is often a subconscious act wherein the person does not acknowledge his fears and issues. Rejection & Refusal is a conscious form of denial requiring thought; it is an action taken to avoid something and thus initially there is at least a superficial recognition of what is being avoided; the person must acknowledge what it is he is rejecting and refusing to face. This conscious action cycles with unconscious denial.

Denial of Responsibility: Transference of attention away from oneself, this type of denial is comprised of several methods.


* Reduction
There is an acknowledgement of a problem, but with a reduction in significance. A person denies the severity of emotions, facts and behaviours, including denial of any negative consequences of the impact of his choices and behaviour on others and a refusal to consider the negative consequences. This prevents empathy and is an attempt to evade feelings of guilt.
Ex. Divorce won’t hurt the children; they’ll get over it.
* Justification
Excusing behaviour as acceptable reactions to external events and conditions such as the behaviour and choices of others.
Ex. I have to get a divorce because she is so angry with me.
* Projection/Blaming
Acknowledging behaviour or emotions while transferring the cause and thus blame to an external source. This is an attempt to create an enemy as a protection from feelings of guilt.
Ex. She made me angry.
Ex. She is crazy.
Following a significant life-changing vent, a person may be flooded with emotions and fears. Shadow fragments may surface regardless of whether the event is considered positive or negative. A person may feel overwhelmed. Though Rejection & Refusal is often a necessary and normal defense mechanism that enables a person to deal with problems in smaller, more manageable increments, it includes the risk of becoming caught in a cycle that progresses toward the more harmful forms of denial. It seems that it is the simple form of denial—Rejection & Refusal—to which Jim Conway was referring when he labeled his first stage of Midlife Crisis as Denial. The more harmful types of denial are components of Replay behaviour.

Resentment
Rejection & Refusal eventually fail to stop and reverse aging or whatever it is the person fears and is thus avoiding. Upon recognition of this failure, the person adds Resentment to the building crisis. Resentment is the form of anger that originates from a feeling of inferiority and low worth; anger at God is resentment and is consequent of feeling powerless. He is angry at God and angry with life and as he ferments in the emotion of anger. Since MLCers often doubt their faith, they deny their anger is toward God and project it toward his environment and others—the spouse in particular.

Failure of Rejection & Refusal leads to Resentment. If Rejection & Refusal had successfully convinced a person that his issues no longer exist—such as a belief in the reversal of aging—there would be nothing to feel Resentment towards. But the depths of MLCer fears are for stark realities that are unstoppable: the march of time and surfacing of the Shadow.

Resentment is the Why me? cry of the victim. He is upset at the unfairness of life as younger and more vigorous men can do more and have the vast potential of their lives ahead, whereas the MLCer feels his greatest years are behind him. His body is breaking down, his children are becoming more independent and his wife has separate interests. He wants to be the Knight in Shining Armour, but such youthful hero days are no more. What he will learn through his midlife journey is that Kings are leaders; the knights work for them. But this is not a lesson that can be learned through mere intellectual understanding; life is to be experienced.

The Shadow is starting to surface and the MLCer is afraid—many Shadow fragments are characteristics that are seemingly opposite to the personality of the individual. Each MLCer is a unique individual and what is opposite for one is not for another. A normally quiet and subdued man may suddenly show emotion outwardly, whereas a man whose emotions were normally public may become more quiet and introspective. These opposite behaviours do not mean one is in a crisis and the other is not, all behaviours are relative to the individual. Often the opposing forces are fighting each other internally causing confusion and fueling Resentment as the person attempts to continue to repress his Shadow. But the Shadow is persistent and refuses further repression. The MLCer fears he is losing control and possibly for his sanity. This yields the urge to escape and abandon which brings on Replay behaviour.

Replay
Life’s Bachelor Party
Traditionally the night or a few nights before his wedding, a man has a Bachelor Party which often involves naked women and copious amounts of alcohol. Much or all of this is done with the knowledge of his wife-to-be. This is his final night of irresponsible youth before settling into maturity.

At midlife a man looks back at his waning youth and decides to hold on a little longer. He sees what appears to lie ahead in his future and determines the past, which is about fun, has greater appeal. In the years since his wedding, he has come to associate marriage with maturity and responsibility. Since leaving his one-night Bachelor Party he has had a taste of that future he sees ahead and it’s more of the same—Aging and Responsibility. “What about me?” he says. “When do I get to have fun again?” He fears that if he waits until retirement age for fun, he will be too old. He wants his fun now. His body is dragging him into old age and he needs another final fling.

But like the man who is about to be married, the MLCer who does not talk divorce or permanent separation is perhaps aware that eventually he will have to continue on the journey piloted by his body. So when he steps back to that life, he wants the original cast in place.

But addiction to the Bachelor Party is an unforeseen consequence. The naked women don’t leave at the end of the night, and the alcohol keeps flowing. Hooked on the fun, the last fling becomes a perpetual party that eventually spirals downward. As the vortex sucks him into its whirlpool, the MLCer thinks he’s having fun. He doesn’t want this life to end. He has buried the happy memories from his former life and he wants them to stay that way. He may begin talking divorce. He’s addicted to the fragile illusion of youth, and refuses to let it go.

Covert Depression
Replay is Covert Depression in which Midlifers attempt to avoid the physical and emotional pain of Overt Depression which forces them to face their Shadow and integrate their buried fragments. It is not a subconscious denial; the behaviour is a direct reaction to something acknowledged. It is rather an avoidance which may facilitate additional subconscious denial as Replay behaviour produces emotional highs which the MLCer interprets as success in his attempt to reverse aging or avoid other issues. Replay behaviour needs the other characteristics—Rejection & Refusal and Resentment—for functioning; they are the fuel of Replay.

Men often handle depression in the opposite way that is expected—by acting out rather than turning inward; they seek to blame. The alienator, alcohol, drugs, youthful running etc. are forms of avoidance. Like an addict, he needs the Replay fix to keep him from the Liminality where Overt Depression sets in.

Replay brings in the fog. This fog is an MLC requirement, and like Liminality, it serves a purpose. He must go through this; it is unavoidable. But a person in his right mind would not behave as he is and thus the fog serves the purpose of burying his guilt until another time when he can handle it. But he is not insane and is thus accountable for his actions. He is confused; sometimes he will be aware of this and others not, but the existence of a reason for bad behaviour does not make it excusable.

Replay behaviour is an angry avoidance manifested as an attempt to prove sustaining youth. It is a backlash, an I’ll show you reaction to God and anyone who stands in his way. He is still resentful, and continues to reject and refuse. It is with the addition of Replay that MLC becomes recognizable. Bomb Drop usually occurs with Replay and the affair begins. In the absence of Replay, Midlifers in Rejection & Refusal may effectively hide their fears from everyone, including themselves. Behaviours may be changing, but in the beginning the changes may be dismissed amidst preoccupations with everyday life or as moodiness, stress or irritability—particularly if the MLC catalyst was a significant life changing event. Cracks in the persona began to form prior to Replay which expands the cracks eventually causing the façade to crumble and a previously stable man seems crazy. The way is open and the Temptress beckons with promises of sex yielding true love and the Devil comes out to dance.

Bargaining is a 3-page chapter in Elisabeth Kübler Ross’s book On Death and Dying1; as an emotional stage in dying it is an attempt to bargain with God for more time. A realization and fear of death is an issue in MLC, but unlike those who are dying, this is usually an emotional fear that is not in process; the MLCer has time to dwell on the idea of death and dying, whereas the person who is dying is having a direct experience—a realization of the fear—with less time for dwelling. Often the MLCer is experiencing doubt in a God who is now failing him, thus bargaining would be futile. Instead the MLCer tries to postpone the inevitable without God’s help or blessing—sometimes as a rebellion directed against God.

Bargaining is also short-lived for a terminally ill person as death looms close and their condition continues to deteriorate. But Replay for the MLCer creates an emotional high and feels successful. A crash follows, but not for months or years and those who crash sooner use Replay as a drug to create and maintain their high.

The dying person hopes to buy more time, possibly with promises to accept the inevitable (death) after a specific event or accomplishment; ex. the birth of an expected grandchild. Bargaining sets a self-imposed deadline, whereas the MLCer refuses to bargain and instead attempts to cheat time through evasive tactics. The dying person attempts to postpone; the deadline for the MLCer is never.


* I’m never going to die.
* I’m never coming back/home.
* I’m never going to grow up.
* I’m never going to be older.
But it in truth, the MLCer is running away from his Self—the Shadow Self revealed beneath the crumbling façade. He fears the Shadow; he wants to escape it and is yet simultaneously intrigued. What would happen if I…


* Slept with another woman [often a specific person]?
* Experiment with drugs?
* Drink until I forget?
* Climb Mt. Everest?
* Learn to rock climb?
* Ski out of bounds?
Like a teenager, he wants to test and push the boundaries. The Midlifer is faced with his own mortality and fears the loss of his vitality; risky behaviour in which a person tempts death or security can facilitate a feeling of aliveness. Blame and projection toward the spouse is natural as the spouse tries to stop the Replay behaviour.

A regressive youthful lifestyle of physical activity and socialization attracts woman who are younger or themselves seeking a regressive lifestyle (alienators) and may yield temporary gains in physical fitness. But the repercussions of adulterous and regressive behaviour—the effects on spouses, children, coworkers, friends etc.—will yield greater dissatisfaction, unhappiness and depression. The typical reaction to these consequences is to avoid more, sinking deeper into the fantasy life which will only continue to yield the unpleasant consequences. These in tandem with the opposing regression behaviour create a repetitive pattern of cycling behaviour common to MLC.

Replay will continue until he not only realizes that it is not making him happy, but also that it is making him feel even more lost—that his life is becoming worse. Like an object requiring external force to alter its course of motion, the unpleasant patterns in his life will continue until challenged either externally or internally. When each quick fix he tries fails and he runs out of quick fixes, he can go into Liminality. But even then he may jump or climb out of the pit to attempt additional quick fixes. He needs to run until he's too tired to keep running and too battered to pick himself up when he falls.


* Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page