Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: FrenchHusband on March 19, 2024, 07:03:25 AM
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Hello all,
Today I would like to post here the partial results from the mid study. Maybe some people will be interested with these figures ? I am also interested in reading comments or suggestions that might help me to compile specific datas for the next half.
Criteria of the study
My criteria to select stories : more than 10 posts, male LBS, no ongoing stories unless outcome is clear (divorce or reconnection)
Why did I choose these criteria ? Well because I am a male LBS, and I wanted to have an amount of stories that is significant and not too high.
According to Songandance post here (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12163.msg802734#msg802734), there are 1440 members with 10+ posts.
I expect around 230 LBS stories in total, that is statistically significant enough for me.
methodological and personal bias
my purpose is not to do a scientific study. There are many bias in the datas here. First : this is coming from stories related by people, so they tell what they want to tell and nobody has checked the datas or the truth.
Then I have my own bias : I am a LBS and I think that my at home wife is in MLC, this is a huge bias to interpret the datas.
I am aware that, when reading, I am looking for "reconnection signs" and "regret hints". I wanted to know also whether the odds are better with live-in spouse (discussion here (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11198.0;all) ), or when the LBS "moves on"
Finally, even if there are many similarities between all the stories (script), each story is unique (sample of one), so the results look like adding apples, tomatoes and peers together.
I have listed as reconnection or rebuilding some stories that are not "canonically" recognized here and labelled in pink or purple. My criteria are lighter than the ones from the moderation team and can be challenged : likely some stories that I have listed as "reconnection" are actually "divorced". That would be "false reconnection" ?
On the other hand, divorce is not so final, I have read on this forum that 6% of couples get back together after divorce (found another evidence on the net (https://divorcedparentsclub.com/remarriage-statistics-after-divorce/), without source)
Here is an interesting discussion on the forum (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8369.msg541730#msg541730) explaining that many LBS are reconciled and don't post anymore.
Partial results after checking 50% of the members
115 are fitting with my criteria : male LBS with 10+ posts
50 : outcome not clear (43%)
1 : the LBS is dead
39 : divorced (34%)
12 : reconnection (10%)
13 : rebuilding (11%)
Regrets
52 stories where regrets have been expressed by MLCer in total(45%). Many stories are very short (mainly those with result not clear) -> if I remove these datas I find 34 stories with regret out of 64 (53%).
LBS dating
23 stories where the LBS has had an affair, dated, or moved on another relationship.
7 : not clear (30%)
13 : divorced (57%)
3 : reconnection or rebuilding (13%)
I have found some stories where the spouse under MLC wants to reconnect and work on the marriage, and the LBS declines
34 stories with live-in wife
17 : status is not clear (50%)
7 : divorced (21%)
10 : reconnection or rebuilding (29%)
Personal conclusions
well, the more I read stories, the more I find that the advises here are very good for the LBS : detach, focus on yourself, GAL, etc...
From the datas there is hope, a few hope, but also the strong reality that many stories finish with divorce. I am now convinced, that, whatever the LBS is doing, he can not influence positively the MLC length or intensity. The LBS cannot save or fix the marriage.
My purpose here is not to give false hope : each one here has the right and his own reasons to stand or not stand. It is a very personal decision. And the odds are not a right reason to stand : that might lead to "expectations", and having expectations is against the advises here (https://www.jimcollins.com/concepts/Stockdale-Concept.html).
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French this is an amazing effort. Thank you.
I’ll take some time to read through the data and post comments. I suspect that there will be posts about taking it with a massive grain of salt. This is obvious folks. No need to harbor on it. It’s not supposed to be factual evidence. But the basis for an open discussion.
Looking forward to seeing the other 50% of data roll in.
Thanks French!
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So you are saying that 21% are either reconnecting or rebuilding?
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So you are saying that 21% are either reconnecting or rebuilding?
He’s not saying anything. Just reposting the results from data from the site. There are no conclusions to be drawn here given the grain of salt.
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So you are saying that 21% are either reconnecting or rebuilding?
He’s not saying anything. Just reposting the results from data from the site. There are no conclusions to be drawn here given the grain of salt.
I have no issue with that, but I am curious (truly), if it is not meant to be demonstrative and is not meant to be accurate then what is the purpose of these numbers? They can not be taken as information, they are not meant to illustrate, so that leaves me puzzled.
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I have no issue with that, but I am curious (truly), if it is not meant to be demonstrative and is not meant to be accurate then what is the purpose of these numbers? They can not be taken as information, they are not meant to illustrate, so that leaves me puzzled.
Hi Marvin,
In fact there is no real purpose other than giving an "illustration" (I take your word) to us LBS. Many people come in this forum and are looking for answers (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=search2;params=eJwtzcEOwiAQBNB_8eJlDsBuq_0aQmGTarAYQI0JHy-Y3mZfJrMuvN3uJbRzU-3U1jySBjEmMAxBX6EXGAMzgyYYBbqAFrACa7ABE5jBvT73gbKlj_Xp8YxSpU8Neq138dWmPX4PSbn2lCXK__tBNtxy5yDFDxGX_dbvFEL5AVHiNvo.;start=1150), advises and comfort/consolation. I don't claim to give answers here, I just try to give a perspective.
So you are saying that 21% are either reconnecting or rebuilding?
It is my observation, yes. From what I understand, reconnection is a process, not a status, this path is not a bed of roses, so there is no guarantee regarding the outcome. And I can not say if it's a real reconnection or a false reconnection.
On the other hand, among the majority of the stories, my observation is that the outcome is "uncertain" (not clear), meaning not divorced and no clear hint of reconnection. So it may be that there are other LBS reconnecting or rebuilding among the biggest group.
Even within the divorced group, there might be a few (very few) reconnection stories or remarriage stories ?
Edit
Looking forward to seeing the other 50% of data roll in.
Thanks French!
Thanks for your cheerings ! First 50% took me around 2 months, I will stop for 1 week to listen to the comments here, then continue the work. Please be patient ;)
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So you are saying that 21% are either reconnecting or rebuilding?
He’s not saying anything. Just reposting the results from data from the site. There are no conclusions to be drawn here given the grain of salt.
I have no issue with that, but I am curious (truly), if it is not meant to be demonstrative and is not meant to be accurate then what is the purpose of these numbers? They can not be taken as information, they are not meant to illustrate, so that leaves me puzzled.
Marv - to me this information is to be evaluated by each LBS in their own way and interpreted each to their own. There are no global conclusions to be drawn here. It’s just a summary of the stories on this site.
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French this is a huuuuuge heavy lift. Thank you friend. We really appreciate it.
I’m sure RCR has iron clad exact tracking data of all these stories for her PHD someday haha. If not she should. It’s her life’s work! But for the rest of us peasant LBS. It really does give you some insights into this crazy train called MLC.
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French. One thing I’d be curious about is of the divorced cases, how many occurred where the MLCer couldn’t sign the dotted line and the LBS was actually the one to go through with it.
Any sense from all the stories you read ? Thanks.
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French. One thing I’d be curious about is of the divorced cases, how many occurred where the MLCer couldn’t sign the dotted line and the LBS was actually the one to go through with it.
Hi Why,
I don't have this data, I am sorry. I will check this point for the next stories I will read.
One figure I can give to you now is, among the divorced cases (39), the percentage of male LBS who "moved on" (another relationship) : 33% (13/39). I guess moving on is one of the reasons the LBS is actually the one pushing for divorce.
Any sense from all the stories you read ? Thanks.
I do not find a lot of sense in the stories I read ;)
I am currently reading Jung who writes in "Psychology of the Unconscious" that Irrational can not and must not be exterminated. Curiously, that makes sense to me now :)
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Thanks for posting, interesting if nothing else.
I am always looking for more information, more answers and more understanding of what is happening to my wife. Appreciate the post.
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Yes, thanks for posting, although each case is different it is interesting to see if there are any trends.
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They are all different but so many common elements.
My wife’s sister has done exactly the same thing to her husband in October last year. It is uncanny. Same phrases. Same cosmetic surgery. Same alienator.
But none of it changes the reality that there is nothing you can do. It make could decisions for yourself and whether the storm. You can’t love them back.
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That is wild, two sisters on the same path. That lends to the FOO theory, or there’s a hereditary element, maybe both?
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Yes, it is absolutely uncanny.
I am just 18 months ahead of my brother in law but exactly the same pattern. Just a different cosmetic surgeon
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That lends to the FOO theory.
By and large, that's the answer. Although sometimes there is independent an psychological issue at play a well that wasn't predicated upon one's FOO and early childhood.
My advice is like so many others, if they want to leave, let them go. Focus on you and here's the kicker that I don't think gets enough merit on this forum, also focus on your own FOO issues.
Now granted, yes, many of these wayward spouses (both male and female) were people who showed up every day with a smile and had people believing they were mary poppins and mother theresa all rolled into one who suddenly exploded and if you're here now reading this, I'm sure you've awoken to the idea that wasn't the reality at all.
So while yes, it's possible that these people totally fooled us, I think it's quite more likely that our own FOO issues is what allowed us to be fooled in the first place by blinding us to red flags or by not giving us the guidance and experience to recognize what a red flag even is.
So yes, GAL, focus on you but also really focus on your own FOO and how they contributed to things. As others have said, you've got a lot of time to think and you should learn to use it constructively to envision what a healthy, functioning relationship looks like.
And if you ask me, it's two independent, self aware individuals who are responsible for meeting their own needs, emotionally, financially and otherwise, regulating their own behavior and also taking responsibility for their own actions, reactions and also inactions. Learn about healthy boundaries and attachment theory as well.
And yes, you need all that attraction, fun and other things too and I'll tell you what, kindness and emotional availability are also very important.
It takes time and give yourself plenty of it and self love and kindness too, because it's a lot to unpack and I'll tell you what, do it sooner than later.
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My advice is like so many others, if they want to leave, let them go. Focus on you and here's the kicker that I don't think gets enough merit on this forum, also focus on your own FOO issues.
Now granted, yes, many of these wayward spouses (both male and female) were people who showed up every day with a smile and had people believing they were mary poppins and mother theresa all rolled into one who suddenly exploded and if you're here now reading this, I'm sure you've awoken to the idea that wasn't the reality at all.
So while yes, it's possible that these people totally fooled us, I think it's quite more likely that our own FOO issues is what allowed us to be fooled in the first place by blinding us to red flags or by not giving us the guidance and experience to recognize what a red flag even is.
What an excellent point, this can' be emphasized enough.