[Lostinthewoods]

There is this question in my mind , I know it's something I have to work on.
Why am I punished by him when he is the one who messed up so so ....much.
He monsters when I catch him in a lie. Again he is the one who lied and I am made the one who gets shouted at and he turns it around

[in it]

Maybe he doesn't want to take any accountability so he lays it all off on you. It's all your fault so he doesn't accept any blame. With blame comes shame. He's not going to accept the truth. You catch him in a lie then he didn't get away with something he tried too.

It's not healthy to live with someone who tries to confuse you this way. You don't deserve to be punished for him being irresponsible..

[Treasur]

You might want to Google about DARVO.
It’s a pretty standard way that both disordered humans and small children react when they are challenged and feel uncomfortable about it. Usually bc the truth of what they’ve done is rather unpleasant. It’s not about you at all. Either punishment or reward.

Given that - as I understand it from what you have posted so far - you can’t control how he uses the money or perhaps access any of it directly yourself, do you have a plan B?

[Lostinthewoods]

That is the problem , no plan B,.have to finish this house. The bank transfers the money to his account as he will be paying the Emi( I paid the down payment and the amount for the plot) loan is a joint loan . Stupid banking system now that I am in this situation,  it would not have mattered otherwise.  Even if is possible and If I ask the bank to transfer to me he will most likely bring the roof down.i don't want to go there. My children are so stressed even if they don't tell me.i can s3nse it. It's such a mess , this horrible human thatnhe has become

[Lostinthewoods]

I'm trying to look back and see, if he was this person. I feel so stupid to have not realised for 25years. I think he was not so bad . There were a few instances but I dont remember this level of arrogance, ego.
And he claims he is not in touch with the OW, and yet the monstering is so awful. I cannot tell you some things he has said. You'll will ask me to just leave. I've also reacted to his stupidity sometimes it is hard to be calm when someone does not answer you.i know it is my decision. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be one of those wife's who just exists in the marriage without anything in it.
I feel so helpless and hopeless.
I did ask him to put everything up for sale and that we.can go our separate ways . He said OK and the next day he is a different person. Asking if I need anything etc. While I have not been talking. He just exists in the house. How is it possible.
Oh god this is crazy . I just hope I don't go nuts soon.
Detachment comes and goes. It is not consistent for me. It was easy when he was not around but it impacted my children.
What a quandary for us LBS.

[Lostinthewoods]

OK last night he said to my folded hands. What should I do, should I fall at her feet. The drama. And I thought he didn't know to act.
I was calmer and called him out on how his behaviour impacted us and how he kept saying that we were pretending. I told him I hope.you understand the pain you have put us through. That's when he told me that he was going through something himself too.
I simply called him out and said I have done enough research about MLC. He asks me then why don't you understand what I'm going thro'
I said because I understood I'm still here. Otherwise I would not be here and also told him abt mlc not being a justification for irresponsible behaviour etc.
Last night was intense. I'll keep posting as and when I remember.  Any thoughts and insights are always welcome. I love reading your responses. Keeps me sane

[Lostinthewoods]

Please bear with me
Why us he here if he does not want to honour the marriage. I have been clear and the last 2 years also shown it clearly that I will not engage.
Why so much hatred and anger against me .
He talks to my son so clearly and politely and also spoken to a common friend about some parts of it he has to him that he is not in touch with her just helping her financially.
To me he says he cannot stop being in touch with her, ( to help, not romantically)
He says he will not be transparent which is my condition.
OK let me rake it few days at a time and see.

Love you guys for your patience. The last week was very tough. Too much of rambling
But I dont know where else to go.

[in it]

As long as he's still there he will continue to channel his anger and monstering out on you.  This is what you are dealing with now.
Looking back won't help much.
You need some peace so you can get your head on straight.He's keeping you confused one  day it's one thing the next day it's another or within hours his mind what he says and behavior changes.  It will help your children too. Don't be so understanding your brains fall out. You do not have to put up with this.
He shouldn't be helping the OW financially he has his own family he should be helping.

As long as you are still 'there" he will continue to do whatever he wants. What you allow continues.

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank u init for your response.
Yes the yo yo ing really gets to us. The confusion and uncertainty. The reason I call him out / have a fight is because I want him to know that I am not ok with what he is doing. Don't want to keep quiet and give him a free leash.

( will.he do better I don't know).
Treasure regarding the money, i have asked the builder to ask him for all the pending amounts as and when the mortgage gets credited to his account. I may not have complete control over the money but most of it may not get misused if he has to make all the pending payments. This is the best possible plan B I could think of.
I am trying to change the door mat I was and saying yes to everything he did. did it to make the marriage.  Not that it mattered anyway.
I want him to know I will not take whatever he feels.like doing. A tiny step in understanding that I have needs.too.

[MadLuv]

The most important thing to understand is that making sense of anything is impossible. They stay because they don’t have the mental capacity to make major decisions. They can make stupid decisions that benefit them, but they aren’t sure leaving benefits them. They also can’t handle pressure.

After my XH left and I tried to have a rational conversation trying to warn him he was going to lose his job due to his actions, he said “ no one is paying attention to me”. He also got soooooo uoset when I tried to tell him what he was doing to his family. His response? “ you don’t care how I feel and what this is doing to me!!!! “


They can’t truly see beyond themselves in the state they are in.