[mama4]

Hello and thank you for the opportunity to participate in this forum. I am grateful!
My H and I have been together for 24 years, since he was 20 and I was 22. We have 4 kids: a son and daughter in high school, a son in middle school and our youngest is a son entering third grade.
My H has combat PTSD from his time serving in Afghanistan and Iraq. He suffered a traumatic brain injury in 2002 and hasn’t been the same
He also has family of origin trauma, raised by a narcissistic and abusive mother who is still a painful force in his life and an absent father who died too young ten years ago.
I won the lottery with my parents and sisters and continue to commit to providing a stable and loving home for our children, during their father’s MLC.
His crisis began when his father passed away from cancer in 2013. He was chaotic, drinking to excess, leaving for days at a time with no contact, engaging in extramarital affairs. When he was home, he really wasn’t home either napping or acting very angry.
We talked about getting help but he didn’t, I didn’t and we didn’t. In 2014 the kids, dogs and I moved 2000 miles away and ultimately he joined us in 2016. It all got much worse.
Unemployed, angry and abusing alcohol, he destroyed his relationships with each of our kids and I. When he did get a job he liked in 2018, things were more positive and our relationship improved. Then I got promoted in 2021, was making more than twice his salary, and Covid isolation was really wearing on folks.
My energies had also shifted to supporting my family of origin as my mom was hospitalized for weeks in septic shock in 2019, followed by rehab that continues to this day, a devastating car accident that sent all 6 members of my sister’s family to the hospital and near death in 2021 and my younger sister’s cancer diagnosis later in 2021 and death a few weeks ago. I know all area hospitals well and am grateful o could be here for my family during this time.
Husband went off the rails in august 2021 after the car crash. He got a bottle of ED meds (never had this issue with me), a new girlfriend and kicked me out of our master bed. I’ve been sleeping on the floor of my younger kid’s room since on a futon mattress.
A few weeks later I had taken my engagement ring off to clean it and left it in my jewelry box. He took it and let me know I don’t deserve it. I haven’t seen it since. Starting in June 2022, he began weekend trips, every other, to see his friend “Jeremy” who lives an hour away in the middle of nowhere and doesn’t have cell reception. These trips became more frequent.
On September 9, 2022, he told me that he doesn’t love me and never will again. He wants to divorce but won’t because he doesn’t want to lose access to the kids and because I’m a selfish b@$&! I would keep them from him.
He hasn’t said I love you since but continues to initiate sex 1-2 times per week. He didn’t kiss me for several weeks but does again.
He sometimes acts like he is loving toward me, but is mostly cold and angry.
He has cycled through the MLC stages a few times and is definitely in anger again now.
I don’t argue or really show any emotion toward him. When he speaks to me, I answer with a word or two. I don’t initiate spending time with him but engage with him when he asks me to. He even took me to an expensive dinner a few weeks ago right after our wedding anniversary (he was traveling on the actual day).
Our kids feel pretty ignored by him, my back hurts from the futon on the floor, but otherwise our home is calm and all is ok. I know he needs time to get to the other side of all of this but it has literally been 10 years.
We seemed to be reconnecting and he was going to Jeremy’s less. When there was some joy there he retreated quickly. He has strong abandonment energy and was in fact abandoned by his parents in his youth. He was caught shoplifting, ran away from home and lived at friends’ homes for months before the police picked him up at a party. His parents wouldn’t allow contact with his siblings and he was placed in a juvenile facility. He enlisted in the army when he graduated high school and left. Before he ever worked anything out with his father, his dad died. This sent him far into the tunnel.
While he doesn’t say he loves me, he has showered me with expensive gifts for the first time in ten years, started doing chores again, reminds me to drive safely and to text when I get wherever I’m going so he knows I’m ok. He reaches out to me throughout the day, calls and texts and sits next to me often. A short time ago he would leave the room
when I entered. He stopped drinking in January.
He has gained over 100 pounds during this crisis, changed his wardrobe, his hair, his music taste and has gotten 4 large tattoos (he had zero before). He took up hunting and fishing and our freezer is filled with bison, venison and salmon. He bought an expensive truck and $5000 smoker for the meat he harvested. He travels to master BBQ classes across the country.
The night my sister died I had let him know I would be spending the night on the floor of her room to help administer meds (we live next door). He went to his first concert in 24 years, with “Jeremy”, an artist who represents his new favorite music genre, one he knows I detest.
Ironically it was Father’s Day and he chose not to spend it with his kids.
I didn’t let him know she had passed until he returned home. He was upset I hadn’t reached out to him sooner, and I didn’t argue or respond

Her death hit him hard. He was off and running away again, this time after adopting a stray puppy who has major undesirable behaviors I have been attempting to re-direct.

So here I am. I love our kids and H very much, in the best shape of my life and working my dream job. I’m centered, calm, and joyful. I hope he finds his way home.

[UrsaMajor]

Wow..... just ..... wow.......

From just the one post, I see 2 main issues at play here....

1) your H has an alcohol problem - call it what you want but he has a drinking problem
2) he also has his head shoved way up his .... fog..... in MLC.

Neither of these are things that you can control. However, there are some things that you can and those are the things that you might wish to consider....

First off, the "Survival Guide for Newbies" link in my signature line has some helpful tips and advice for those who have been tossed into the deep end of the pool of Spousal MLC.
Second, unless he is independently wealthy, all the stuff he has bought, all the trips he has taken, etc., etc., have cost bucketloads of money. MLC'ers are notoriously irresponsible and unreliable when it comes to money. They can burn through cash like water over Niagara Falls and have no compunction about spending whatever they want, regardless of where the money comes form or for what purpose it was initially slated. Therefore, it highly advisable to get a hold of your finances so you can ensure that you can keep a roof over your collective heads (yours and your kids) when (not if but when) the bovine fecal material hits the rotating ventilator because, as we all know, money does NOT grow on trees.
Third, your priorities are  going to be your own well-being first and that of your kids second - it is like being on an airplane when it depressurizes - put on your oxygen mask first and then help those around you. Why? Because as in the aforementioned scenario, if you are passed out in your seat due to lack of oxygen, you can't help your kids get their masks on. You are their stable parent and they are going to need you so make sure that you are taking care of yourself - eating right, sleeping, drinking enough water, all that "health-guru" kind of stuff to give your physical self the strength and energy needed to cope with the situation that you have been dumped into.

I am really sorry that you needed to find us here but, at the same time, glad you did. This is a community of people, men and women, who have experienced (or are experiencing) things that will be very similar in some cases to what you are going through. We can offer tips and tricks and tidbits of advice that have helped us along our own path but, as each of us are different as are each of the Body Snatchers that have invaded the person formerly known as "Spouse," not every piece of wisdom or advice will be applicable to your situation nor appropriate.

One thing that I would personally be considering in your situation is the issue of intimate relations and the likelihood of an STD. His "disappearing acts" and trips to the middle of nowhere with "Jeremy" sound suspiciously like he could be engaging in a little Mattress mambo elsewhere. Combine that with the new ink, etc, and it all could (not must but the possibility needs to be considered for your the sake of your own health) be an issue that puts your own health at risk.

Finally, despite all the gaslighting and whatever else he spews, this is NOT an issue with you or your marriage. This is an issue that is within the Mid-Lifer themselves. It is an issue that would have reared it's head at some point in his life, regardless of who he was with at the time - if not you, then someone else. The fact that you all have been together for as long as you have been without him going off the rails is a testament to your ability to keep things together. MLC is a latent bomb in someone looking for a place to go off and you just happened to be around when it did, through no fault of your own.

Please feel free to post whenever you want. We are a world-wide community (I personally am in Germany) and there is usually SOMEONE online at any given moment that may or may not chime in. This is a "safe" space for those who are going through what will probably be one of the most traumatic episodes in their lives and we do our best to support each other.

UM

[mama4]

Thank you UM
You are spot on! His alcohol problem AND his crisis. My job is to GAL and to be the best parent to our children. I show him unconditional love (without saying love). He attempts intimacy 1-2 per week but I made a clear boundary for my own health and he reluctantly accepts that we won’t be doing that right now.
I’m cordial and kind AND I have a date in my head of when I should be moving on.