[jmnab]

.. but stupidly for my own validation I want it to fail.. I know I was a good wife and partner, and was his rock - your so right but when I needed him.. pooff!

I don't even know for sure it's happening with my H (highly likely) and I feel exactly the same way. 

[KayDee]

I wasn’t good enough for him to fight
He is not strong enough to fight - he can barely keep himself afloat. He cannot likely bear other's pain at the moment.
I wasn’t enough for him to communicate and want to fight for our marriage
It becomes obvious to a lot of us, after a time, that our spouse was a poor communicator of their needs. The avoidant or people-pleaser types, they go along with things. You have no idea anything is discordant. So it's not that you were not good enough, it's that he cannot properly connect and communicate.
He has already met his next lifelong partner and hasn’t grieved the loss of me
Highly unlikely. She gets the broken, selfish man that abandoned his entire family. He gets - well, her - the woman who thinks this is somehow OK.

I fought so hard to work on myself after being unwell because I wanted to be better for him and our children - he couldn’t do the same..
Exactly - he couldn't. But you did and you will keep bettering yourself. Fact.

I know you have already answered these, but I though I'd nail them in

As to the Karma-bus-truck-freight-train, it's OK and normal. You hope he will see what a prize he had in you, what a gift his children are. But like all public transport, you never quite know when they will show up. Don't let this poison you. Keep moving in your direction, one thing is guaranteed, you will move forward and past him at some point. And you will feel very different in yourself.

[Hollie220423]

Hi all,

So a little confused here - MLC husband 38 - BD April 23 - 3 children, 8, 3 & was 6 months pregnant at the time with baby no 3 - now 6 months. OW pretty sure was why he left but didn’t formally announce until baby was 2 weeks old - met kids and moved in together.

Tonight being Valentine’s Day, MLCer shows up with gifts from the kids three red roses from each of them - but then a bunch of flowers, and my face sweets and chocolates. My eldest had no idea he was doing this as he didn’t mention it to him or ask him what he thinks they should buy me.

He stayed for a bit saw kids then left to be with the OW - he still hasn’t filed for divorce..

Bear in mind this weekend he gave up a day with his kids because he had plans with her to go and feed some tigers at a local zoo, which is something we did on our honeymoon…

He still likes to know my movements and plans, and makes sure most of the time that I am unable to go out due to not having children overnight - and if on the weekends he is meant to have them overnight he says he will stay to have them - but then gets cross with me asking what time I will be home so he can go and shower and have dinner (with her I’m assuming)

Behaviour is so hot and cold it’s confusing me - I’m
Doing ok and am focusing on myself and the boys and I’ve not cried today first time on a first (thing) ie. First valentines on my own etc in the 10 months since he’s been gone - gosh it sounds like a long time but feels like only a few months have passed.

Im keeping my energy back  so far… not letting him
Control my emotions anymore - or make me feel sorry for him

[Treasur]

What do you make of this gesture?
Nothing much.
Roses from the kids, nice, normal parent thing with small kids perhaps.
The rest? Performative ‘see I’m not a bad guy really’ BS. Or an attempt to keep you on the ‘just in case’ shelf.
His REAL Valentine action was to trot off to OW. And cancel the day out with his kids. A few flowers are easy to buy after all….whereas showing up for your kids day out as a priority is a bit more effort. As is repairing your marriage and ending your affair.

He left; you are no longer obliged to care what he thinks or share information with him about the details of your movements. That’s what happens when a husband and father leaves, surely? And it’s not your job to be responsible for managing how HE has a substantial relationship with his own kids or how he spends time with them or what kind of parent he actually is. Sadly, much as you might wish, you can’t control what kind of father he is, can you? If only lol. Most seem to be a kind of Santa Daddy/mummy at best. And there’s not much evidence that these folks are decent parents bc that would require them placing their kids needs before their own rather more.

I'm imagine it takes a little while to shift your mindset from thinking about the other absent parent as having visitation/custody as opposed to being a kind of babysitter or helpful spouse. A babysitter might need to know where you are and what time you are back; a helpful spouse is sharing the load and would reasonably expect to know why/what; a co parent having their custody/visitation simply needs to know when to pick them up/drop them off and what you’d like them to do if there is a life threatening emergency.

What’s your mindset on what he is doing when he spends time with your kids at the moment? What do you treat him as, do you think….babysitter, helpful spouse or separated coparent visitation? Is there a preagreed fixed coparenting tyoe schedule? Have you sought legal advice on custody/visitation? Does he ‘visit’ them at your house or take them off elsewhere for ‘his’ co parenting time? Bc tbh, if a spouse leaves, it seems like a bit of an unreasonable s$it sandwich that you should be obliged to entertain them as a regular visitor in YOUR home. (Can’t imagine how gut wrenching this is with a baby though)
Jmo.

So I’d throw the flowers/chocs in the bin or regift them as something inappropriate given the reality of the situation and go on with your day…..

[Hollie220423]

Your right, I needed to hear that - they show you a bit of their old selves and you take it don’t you - at the moment I’ll explain the schedule.

For the last 9 months he hasn’t had the children overnight because he was at his parents and said they didn’t want to have them stay there on his weekends - so he has now quickly moved in with the affair partner as she has her own place (he hasn’t told me had has moved in yet though) but his mum was cagey about my son asking questions about things in his room the other week and said he saw packed boxes.

He maintained that he couldn’t have them away from the house because both Ap and parents live 30 mins away - so I set the boundary that he took them out for dinner - he went mental as said I was stopping him from seeing the baby - even though I have said he can take him along for a few hours and then there was always a reason why he had to have them here in the martial home  - sometimes I go out but most of them time as a mum of three I have stuff I need to do lunches for next day. Washing, tidying etc so I just get on I stopped him bathing them as it was too painful having him do those things in the house and me having all my family together under one roof - again that was unfair of me apparently. He maintains because he is still on the mortgage and we are paying it joint it’s still his house.

Now for example he wanted me to choose to give up teaching my dancing twice a week and I attend a comp once a month because it wasn’t fair on him and our family time - I have a comp this weekend - I swapped this day for him as he had plans with the gf on his day last weekend  - I already had someone to watch the kids which I changed - however comps are late and sometimes run behind so I don’t get back until late - my eldest boy has asd and is struggling with the change we have a day out planned for his birthday Sunday him and I and need to leave early - so I asked him if he would be ok to bath them both and put them to bed here and I’ll organise someone to come and sit with them because the last time I asked him to do this  (back in December) he maintained he had no plans and was no problem but because I was later back than initially thought - (even though I kept him
In the loop) he was so angry with me because he needed to go have dinner and shower - now I think what is happening is it’s clear he has no plans as he offered to have them overnight - but he doesn’t want to stay in the house and just sit downstairs till I get home once kids are in bed - yet on a Wednesday when he has nowhere else to take them he’s happy too, I think that she is feeling uncomfortable about him being in the house once the kids are in bed because she’s unsure whether I am here or not. As last time he was fine then all of a sudden he lost his mind telling me I’m unreasonable - even though I have the kids every night and have done for the last 9 months I don’t get the opportunity to go out with friends and try and rebuild my life because I have to get a sitter - and when he leaves on a weekend or a Wednesday evening he locks me in as he leaves.. now I am in the wrong for asking someone to come and sit with them whilst I am out only for two hours and they are asleep as I should just be home when he brings them back - and as he won’t take the baby I have him with me all day anyway. 

He's told me I’m being unreasonable by wanting to keep my eldest at home tomo evening - because I need him to be regulated well and have slept ready for our day in London Sunday - this will be the first time they have stayed at her house and they only met her once last weekend he is coping well and has just started his medication for adhd I don’t want him to have any last minute upheaval - take him to London then he’s back at school Monday  - because apparently I don’t bend (even though I changed his day to accommodate his plans the week before) and I am the one who is dealing with the meltdowns my eldest is having because he doesn’t like Her. (Ap)

I feel like everything I do is wrong, I’m putting my kids first and don’t think I am being unreasonable for one evening a month needing to have him take the kids he’s refused to all
This time now all of a sudden he can (because it works for him) but I’m being unfair 😭

I now feel like I shouldn’t be going to do something I love tomo and should be home for when he decides he wants to drop the kids home as he never tells me when he’s bringing them back. I feel like a prisoner.   

[Treasur]

Well, it makes sense that you feel that way imho.
Tbh this has a whiff of coercive control about it which, as you might know, is illegal in the UK. And, jmo, but I think you should see it as attempted control and as inappropriate.

Have you taken legal advice on your rights and obligations?
Bc your h is living someplace else….he may be paying half of the mortgage (and only half, remember) but that does not mean he can use your home - or you - as he pleases. And if he chooses not to use his visitation time bc of not wanting to take them outside the home, that is not your problem to fix. Hey ho, adult consequences of his choices, not your problem.

I think the current brain hiccup for you, based on what you wrote, is that you are a) hearing what he wants or his opinions as something other than the blah blah of a greedy manchild tantrum and b) trying to organise things in a co parenting way that leaves you subject to his wants and c) accidentally asking him instead of informing him and then shrugging your shoulders whether he does or doesn’t.

I would suggest you stop thinking co parenting and start thinking parallel parenting. As in two separate train tracks. And start having a home boundary that keeps him going not much further than the front door mat. And to do that, you need to know what your legal rights and obligations are so you can disengage from his bullying without fear. He may own half of the house in which his children live but that’s it; he does not own your life or time or attention. You will stop being a prisoner when you feel able to stop caring what he wants from you and stop fearing his reaction when you say No. and more legal information can help with that. You may even want to take some advice from a local DV type group bc those folks know control when they see it, and have plenty of experience in how you can legally and practically unhook yourself from it.

A visitation schedule when he either takes the kids or does not see them, and you do not move your arrangements to fit his schedule unless it is life or death emergencies. And where your arrangements and activities are simply no longer his business so you refuse to discuss them. Or indeed listen to his complaints.

Much less conversation probably….anything beyond ‘the kids will be ready at 6 and I’ll expect them back by 6 on Sunday’. Maybe even formalise things using an app so you keep a record that is recognised legally.

Childcare when you have to be/want to be someplace else that is in your control like a babysitter. Rely on him for nothing, nothing at all. Separate finances and things like child support. And some clarity about how you can live freely with your kids in your home and work and do your comps, or find someplace else to live.

I don’t know if you will have to file for divorce in order to free yourself from this control…I suspect in the UK you might….but no one should feel like a prisoner of a spouse who has left you and your kids and many of us have had to do things to protect ourselves and lead a more sane and independent life. That’s your right as a human being, that’s what your children need so you can prioritise them and that’s ok to want and take steps to get. It’s not fair, but it IS possible. And sucks to what your delinquent a&&hat h and kids father thinks about it - these are entirely predictable effects that come along when you choose to leave your wife and small children.

But I think the door out of the prison needs you to talk to a lawyer so you can make a plan…..

[forthetrees]

Time to pick  your battles. I would let your son with the ADHD go with him. If he does have a melt down it may very well happen in her house and then you won´t have to worry about future visits. Let your H be the one to realize that visits there are not going to work. Then you can push for money for a sitter so that you get a break if he refuses to do overnights. As for him returning without a heads up on the time, you can insist on a time window and then you have to actually not be home before then but for sure be present when the time window ends. He´s not going to leave a baby home alone. You are basically training him to be respectful of your time through the use of consequences. I do realize that if the son with ADHD does have the melt down on your watch it will suck up a lot of your and his emotional energy. You could get a court appointed guardian whose role is to ensure the well-being of the kids and who does not take one side or the other of the adults. Odds are the affair will fizzle when the reality of 3 children come into play.

[Hollie220423]

Time to pick  your battles. I would let your son with the ADHD go with him. If he does have a melt down it may very well happen in her house and then you won´t have to worry about future visits. Let your H be the one to realize that visits there are not going to work.

The problem I have is I’m the one who gets the fall out and the meltdowns because he says he holds them together when he’s around his dad and that he is scared of him as he doesn’t deal with them the same - and he tries to intervene and it just ends up escalating.

Well, it makes sense that you feel that way imho.
Tbh this has a whiff of coercive control about it which, as you might know, is illegal in the UK. And, jmo, but I think you should see it as attempted control and as inappropriate.

Have you taken legal advice on your rights and obligations?
Bc your h is living someplace else….he may be paying half of the mortgage (and only half, remember) but that does not mean he can use your home - or you - as he pleases.

I have felt at times he has been very very controlling I think the whole not wanting to have the baby is to stop me from doing anything as he knows I can’t actively date or see someone with a baby in tow, but then when I have things on and the baby is with me I’m wrong for keeping him out late with me - (even though they are portable still at this age) and he is in his bed every night at home. I may talk to a DV group - I didn’t think of that as I didn’t want to think that they think I’m being dramatic, but I guess it can’t hurt to ask.

I have spoken to a solicitor about the house but maybe I need to check again. If I file in the uk I would have to pay for the divorce and I don’t feel I should as he wanted it - he pay for it.. however if he moves officially with her - then her earnings can be taken into account also. So I’m gonna hang fire for now.. but correct I think once it continues I will need to file just to release myself - but he will still have the control of the kids over me. Thanks so much for all your advice and help. I feel like I have been going insane


Fixed the quoting - UM

[Hollie220423]

I am now 10 months post bomb drop - I was 6 months pregnant at the time baby is now 6 months old with two other children 3 and 8 - there is OW pretty sure she was there all the time, he’s planning on moving in with her (already is living at her place tbh but saying he isn’t)

He has messaged this morning to say not a nice thing but can I have the marriage certificate to start ball rolling with divorce. We got married abroad so uk magistrate won’t have it. I feel sick - like my feet been taken out from underneath me - he has hurt me so much beyond measure and to leave me when I needed him the most is the lowest of the low - so why does this hurt so much - I feel like I’ve failed and just don’t understand how we got here our life was good, I didn’t know he was unhappy, what has she got that I haven’t..? How can he be so detached from this and not be sad or grieving me and what we had I know I was a good wife and partner.. I’m just devastated struggling to pick myself up today - everyone just saying see it as a positive I’m getting rid of the bastard.. but I just can’t 💔

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So sorry that you are here. However, you are at a great place for support. I urge you to read the articles on MLC. This forum documents your recovery and movement forward. The number one thing you need to do is to protect the finances of your family. A man that leaves a baby while have no problem trying to leave all of you up the creek with no paddle.

Finally, this has been a terrible toll on you and the kids. Take the time to eat and rest. Try, if possible, to find a moment of peace. Self care is important and it will help you start your road to recovery.

I am so sorry for your circumstances and I will post more later,

(((Ready)))