[Happylight]

I am really struggling this last week.  I am not sure if it is just burnout, exhaustion or what.  The thing is, nothing has happened that should cause things to be harder for me.  In a lot of ways, things in our situation and interactions have improved.  However, I currently feel like depression is lurking nearby, like quicksand, threatening to suck me under.  I am having to push myself so much to continue on with all my daily activities.   

Why, after more than a year, am I struggling so much the last couple of weeks? 

[WHY]

Depression is part of the LBS journey towards acceptance.  Don’t be afraid of it.  Know it’s something that has to happen and give yourself the time and grace to work through it.  Things will become clearly and more peaceful on the otherside. 

[UrsaMajor]

Trying to figure out how to really keep my expectations down. 

Friday my H decided to buy a new sectional for our living room-he asked me about it and I said I didn't really care, so he bought it.  He did not want his recliner moved out of the living room even though it doesn't go with the new furniture.  He spent almost the entire weekend at the house.  He seems to be connecting with the kids more.  He has also started walking the dogs with me sometimes, which is something that he hasn't done in the past, and he hasn't been working out with weights which he had been doing with vigor for most of the crisis. It's hard to put my finger on some of the changes.  Before I knew what was happening he seemed angry and irritable all the time--and that I could do nothing right, and then he was withdrawn and cold or hot, then he was kind of manic and very loving.  Now, he seems warm and more considerate, but deflated and kind of quiet and withdrawn.  Sometimes, when he is at the house, it seems like none of the last couple of years--especially the last year, ever happened. 

I keep telling myself he might randomly completely disappear on me, but it is very hard to live through these things and not have any expectation in them.  How do you keep yourself in check, but still allow them to build back with you--especially if they haven't broken the silence yet?

and

I am really struggling this last week.  I am not sure if it is just burnout, exhaustion or what.  The thing is, nothing has happened that should cause things to be harder for me. In a lot of ways, things in our situation and interactions have improved.  However, I currently feel like depression is lurking nearby, like quicksand, threatening to suck me under.  I am having to push myself so much to continue on with all my daily activities.   

Why, after more than a year, am I struggling so much the last couple of weeks? 

Uhmmmmmmm .... Read your two last posts.....

Does the term "whipsawed" ring a bell? Rollercoaster?

On one side you are dealing with a Mid-Lifer that APPEARS to be showing some signs of .... what.... pulling his head out of his ..... fog.... but at the same time, your gut is telling you that this might just be some sort of "touch-and-go" and he might just pull a "Where's Waldo" on you.

Unless you are  this guy with trying to hold both sides together in one coherent exercise

You should not be surprised to feel wiped out once in a while.... It is fully normal....

[Nas]

I am really struggling this last week.  I am not sure if it is just burnout, exhaustion or what.  The thing is, nothing has happened that should cause things to be harder for me.  In a lot of ways, things in our situation and interactions have improved.  However, I currently feel like depression is lurking nearby, like quicksand, threatening to suck me under.  I am having to push myself so much to continue on with all my daily activities.   

Why, after more than a year, am I struggling so much the last couple of weeks?

Don’t underestimate the physical toll that this can take. The anxiety, the unknown, the waiting for things to happen, the trying to interpret what has already happened, these are not natural states of being and they can really adversely impact a person, not just emotionally but physically.

On Wednesday I had one of my follow up visits for cancer. They uploaded the scan results to my portal Wednesday night so I read something on the scan that sounds scary, with no knowledge of what it actually meant, and I had to wait until later today, when I have my appointment with the oncologist. And I was thinking that that is a little bit analogous to the LBS watching and reading and listening and looking for clues and signs of something happening, something that’s changed, etc. What is the same is that anxiety of knowing (but not really knowing at all) just a little bit, just enough to get the imagination going in all sorts of directions.

Do you have a therapist? Your health and wellbeing is the most important thing here.

[Happylight]

On Wednesday I had one of my follow up visits for cancer. They uploaded the scan results to my portal Wednesday night so I read something on the scan that sounds scary, with no knowledge of what it actually meant, and I had to wait until later today, when I have my appointment with the oncologist. And I was thinking that that is a little bit analogous to the LBS watching and reading and listening and looking for clues and signs of something happening, something that’s changed, etc. What is the same is that anxiety of knowing (but not really knowing at all) just a little bit, just enough to get the imagination going in all sorts of directions.

Do you have a therapist? Your health and wellbeing is the most important thing here.

I really hope that your appointment went well, and that the scary stuff can be dealt with.  I do think that is a good analogy. 

I went to a therapist for a while.  She did help, but really it was. a lot of just me recapping things that had happened.  She said she would continue to see me if I wished (my benefits were running out and would have been higher out of pocket), but that I was very aware, pretty insightful, and if I felt like going back to school I should consider therapy as a new career.  She was very supportive and understanding of my efforts to stand for my marriage, which I have heard is not always the case with therapists. 

I have been trying to continue on with my routines and activities--exercise, piano, walking, crochet--these things have helped in the past year, and they are all new routines in the last year.  I also try to take a hot bath every night. 

[Baxter1]

Happy,

In the beginning therapy for me was very helpful. Just getting to a safe place to let it all out was great. Now that I have a better handle on what is going on I go less but I find the session’s helpful.

As for hobbies that sounds great! I want to learn how to play the guitar and maybe I’ll add piano to the list. I did dancing lessons early on, had a blast. Keep up the good work working on yourself!

[Happylight]

Journaling a bit...

Several months ago, while praying, I heard a very clear message to "Be Still."  I have been working very hard at that, and for the most part have been pretty successful.  However, as more time passes, and as he seems to move closer to me and the family, it seems like it gets harder. 

As I wrote, last week he bought a new sectional for the house.  This week we had to get a new washer.  He asked me which one I wanted and then ordered it.  He also bought new pillows for the bed at the house--for him and for me. 

Last week he spent Saturday and Sunday (and both nights), this week he came over  Thursday, Friday, and Sunday nights.  He worked from the house on Friday, worked Saturday morning, took me to get a new washing machine, but then left.  He showed up again Sunday morning and spent the day and night.  He spends some of the time at the house playing video games, which is something he did before he moved out, but hadn't done for about 8 months, and he just picked up again in the last month or so.  He also seems to be going to bed at night and getting up earlier.  He was often complaining that he didn't sleep well, and had been having panic attacks, which I think the way he was living was impacting that (routines, habits, and living in ways that were incompatible with his beliefs.). 

He made a statement about getting old and that it sucks.  This seems like progress because he is starting to accept that he is aging and he is being impacted by the aging. 

We seem to be largely past the projection and spewing.  I do know it could return, but it has been a little over 3 months since it last showed.  There have been lots of other little things that have changed and I don't seem to be able to completely detach from what they mean.   I am definitely doing things much different than what I did at the beginning, but it does seem that as soon as I withdrew and was able to detach, he came back started with possible reconnecting behaviors  and threw me off.  I've moved forward with my life, but have not moved on.  I think that as long as I have not moved on, I think I will be impacted by his changes even though at times I wish this was not the case. 

I think he is still in escape and avoid mode, but I suspect spiraling down toward depression and withdrawal.  Although I don't know or see everything (and I've stopped with any additional snooping or investigation), I still see much less of the high energy replay activities, behavior, and attitude.   There seems to be less arrogance about him as well. The bomb drop that I think was the beginning of escape and avoid was about 18 months ago, but the second bomb drop which really brought me into the crisis was about 13 months ago. 

I am trying to hold fast to my routines and changes that have been made in my life in the past year.  I know that I am better for them.  In fact, if I wasn't already married to the idiot for 23 years with history, life, and 3 kids, I wouldn't waste my time on him.  Isn't that crazy?  The Alienator's and the replay behaviors make our MLCers feel more valuable, but in my eyes they are really taking away value. 

[Happylight]

I know that timelines are difficult.  I know that it is slow.  That being said, I have to ask.  Returns and/or reconnections--can they just drag on forever? 
H seems to be moving closer, but it is baby steps.  He seems to be slowly spending more and more time at the house.  In the past week he has been at the house literally every day, and spent pretty much all day there (either hanging out or working from home) 3 full days and spent the night 3 nights.  The amount of time at the house seems to be very slowly increasing and sometimes we have a few steps back.  For months he never spent the night at all and we wouldn't see him for several days at a time.  This gradually increasing pattern occurred in the fall (Sept-Nov), we had a huge argument over Thanksgiving and it reset, and he pretty much disappeared for about 3 weeks.  Its been building again since Christmas time. 

I am having a hard time managing expectations and finding my balance.  It seems like as soon as I get a rhythm and find my balance, things shift. 

[xyzcf]

Returns and/or reconnections--can they just drag on forever?

When this site first started, I think it was 2010 or so, RCR and other researches on MLC put a timeframe  as 2-3 years for the crisis to last. That was later upgraded to 3-7 years. There are stories now of these changes in our spouses lasting  a decade or more......

You cannot really set any expectations about how long.....and when a spouse continues to interact on some level, it's difficult not to have hope and expectations that he is working through the crisis and coming closer.

A great deal of patience is required and the ability to let go of any type of outcome.

In fact, if I wasn't already married to the idiot for 23 years with history, life, and 3 kids, I wouldn't waste my time on him.  Isn't that crazy?

It's not crazy. We never wanted this to happen, it was not our choice. We do not automatically stop loving someone who has withdrawn their love from us.

Several months ago, while praying, I heard a very clear message to "Be Still."  I have been working very hard at that, and for the most part have been pretty successful.  However, as more time passes, and as he seems to move closer to me and the family, it seems like it gets harder.

Those words, they bring a certain amount of peace but then we don't see any "progress" and we start to doubt what God tells us.And we know, God's timing is not our timing...we just wish it would hurry up!

My BD was a very long time ago and we have contact with one another. He is mainly the one who initiates, and our relationship is "superficial"...mainly because I don't want to hear about his "life" so our conversations are limited. It still affects me to hear about his life, so I limit any discussion when he brings some things up......the changes in him are still very apparent.

On the other hand, I know a few people  and there are some stories here...that even if they reconnect or return, it still takes time to work through all that has happened.

I  am having a hard time managing expectations and finding my balance.  It seems like as soon as I get a rhythm and find my balance, things shift.

That will get easier with time.

Continue to build a life...we have often said "live as though he is never coming back"....hard to do but not impossible.

My therapist told me that I can choose from one day to another whether I wish to see him or not. That gave me the freedom to realize that I am more in charge of my life than I thought.

You talked about therapy. Initially I saw a therapist that was basically talk therapy where I would discuss every detail of what was happening, what he said, what he did. That was helpful in the early year or so. After time, I realized I was "stuck", and I found a therapist that does mind/body work...specifically dealing with trauma and how it affects our nervous system. Working with her helped me a great deal to become more relaxed, at peace and able to feel joy once more.

I found Rejoice Ministries very helpful in letting go and trusting God's plans for my life and my "prodigal's".

Letting go of timelines is hard...we just want to know, one way or the other, when is this going to be over? Every situation is different. I have and will continue to keep a place for him in my life but that doesn't stop me from living a full and interesting life without him.

[UrsaMajor]

Reconnections (real ones) happen with all the speed of

because the Mid-Lifer has a whole huge pile of FOO Poo to work through first....