[sachat3]

Playing devils advocate here. Does it help you at all having someone watch the dog? I guess it depends on the type of dog you have but I know when I had my dog that I shared with clington. That was one HYPER dog. So if I was helping a friend move, I would need someone to watch the dog because if someone didn’t she would rip up flooring, chew door frames etc.

What I’m saying is, if you need someone to watch the dog. Then I would offer her first refusal. If it was just a case of “oh that would be a handy thing to do” then probably not.

[LBS_Les]

Playing devils advocate here. Does it help you at all having someone watch the dog? I guess it depends on the type of dog you have but I know when I had my dog that I shared with clington. That was one HYPER dog. So if I was helping a friend move, I would need someone to watch the dog because if someone didn’t she would rip up flooring, chew door frames etc.

What I’m saying is, if you need someone to watch the dog. Then I would offer her first refusal. If it was just a case of “oh that would be a handy thing to do” then probably not.

Because I would be out of my apartment all day and into the evening, I will likely take her to my mom's place so that she can get out to pee if I am gone all day and evening, and to be around company.   So if it wasn't my W, it would by my Mom.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.   Yesterday was a rather emotional day for me.   We are entering holiday season and its bringing up emotions.   Last year, we had our beautiful house and we would be working together in the kitchen to make dinner for my mother and my brother.   Then, on another day, we would either host her family for a Mexican themed thanksgiving dinner, or we would have gone to her dad's for family dinner.   So naturally today, I wonder if they are together.   Did they forego family dinner because of Covid?  If they are together, is she reminiscing with memories as I am?  Does she even feel a sense of sadness or loss as I do?

I think im also emotional as this week will be 9 months from BD.   9 months.   I wish time would speed up, so that I can get to a place of comfort, where I dont watch for dates, where holiday's dont make me emotional

I'm going to my mothers for dinner shortly.   I have a very small family, so it will just be the three of us.   My mood is off, I am sad, I am tired. 

I cant wait for this day to be over with.  And I really hope that this doesn't happen at Christmas

Time to book a session with my therapist.

[Curiosity]

The fixer in me would love to offer you advice or at least wish that the veterans could offer words of wisdom. But the more I am learning, the more I understand that there is no advice or solution. So instead I will say that my thoughts are with you, I know this is always hard and even more so at the holidays. You are making your way through this admirably. I wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.

[sachat3]

Okay so, I would say it’s more than likely Christmas will stir up something in you. Same way NY will too. Probably valentines anniversaries etc. I know I certainly did. Especially things like Christmas when he would grab the kids from me and I was forever wondering what they were doing etc. However the benefit of this for you is, you know it’s likely to come and get you. So you can prepare yourself. Deal with the emotions you can when you can.

Secondly, even if all her family are together and living their best life. Know internally she won’t be. She’ll have the same thoughts wondering what your doing on this day.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Secondly, even if all her family are together and living their best life. Know internally she won’t be. She’ll have the same thoughts wondering what your doing on this day.

I second this as my ex was a wallower and for the holidays, she would be briefly with us and disappear. Even though she was present, she really wasn't engaged or really participated in much. It really tainted the whole event. So sometimes, not having the MLCer for the holidays can be a blessing in disguise.

When someone is in a crisis, they have a breakdown in their normal daily lives and this includes interactions with other members of the family. Your wife is having a crisis and is dealing with large amounts of stress. You, on the other hand,  are dealing with the trauma from the crisis. Her crisis comes from within her and is linked to identity, self-awareness, and past trauma that has been unresolved erupting into this meltdown.

Your trauma comes from the impact that someone you trusted and loved so deeply could betray that trust and blame you for all of their issues. The key to help you overcome the trauma is the rational realization and (hard to emotionally accept) that her crisis has little to do about you.

That's why bomb drop hits us so hard because we are so emotionally invested in this person and they are such an integrally part of our lives that they can just leave us so easily. It is really not us, it is the intensity and depth of their crisis.

It is going to take time to heal. Try not to get sucked into the past and how things should be, but focus on making the experiences of now just as important for you. Your journey is all about healing yourself. The difference from you and your MLCer is the MLCer emotionally runs and reacts from the crisis while the LBSer confronts and rationally responds to the trauma inflicted by the crisis.

(((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

[Treasur]

Hugs from me too.
And I hope you found some moments in the day to feel a little lightness or gratitude or felt a dash of being loved.

If it helps, you might want to put a grieving hat on it.
Big dates and anniversaries and traditions become dreaded things when we are grieving. They can feel like a sledgehammer waiting to fall. There is too much absence and not enough presence.
Strangely though I found that often we can girls our loins and create some work rounds or ways to cope with the big days, perhaps bc we can see them coming. The real sledgehammers I found were quite often the small ones that popped up that I did not see coming. 

The rather glorious thing about us humans is our astonishing ability to adapt.
Right now, the presence of absence is real and noisy. With time, my friend, you will find it shifts to an absence of presence....which has sorrow but doesn't rip your heart out with a rusty knife....and then slowly, slowly, the rest of life begins to grow around the absence. It might not always feel like it, but most people who have grieved an intimate loss will tell you that although they didn't believe it, it did. Time, kindness and good gentle humans will do their job. X

[terra]

LBS, (((HUGS))).

Not gonna lie, I’m years out and anniversaries or birthdays or milestones or any whichever calendar dates still do hurt. Less, over time, but they do.

As a woman with a special needs dog, and understanding that our pets are like children when we have them within our couplehood — I think it’s important to consider that your W forfeited any right to the dog upon leaving. The care and feeding and time investment has been left to you. No doubt the dog loves you both, and at the same time, it won’t do the dog all that much good to visit with the guilty person who left and hasn’t committedly come back.

Take a deep breath and have your doggo cared for by someone who isn’t a ghost. That may hurt, but it’s better for you and the dog too. And if it turns out you feel angry about current circumstances, that’s ok: feel that out and it will pass. You deserve love, commitment, and care — just know that there are select persons who can help you with that, and know that sometimes it is just painful to be nice to the ones who have proven that right now they can’t.

I’m glad you have been able to visit with friends. We’ve been in “lockdown” for seven months straight, and it’s been helpful for me when I think of the future, to see in your posts how people still socialize. Be safe and well, and my unsolicited opinion is that anytime you need help with doggo, go to your mom.

[sachat3]

I think, as much as they hurt and boy do they. I feel it especially at Christmas because all the plans I had in my head for that time are now gone. It’s not just about “getting over” the event. It’s also the plans you had for that event. If that makes sense.

But a silver lining to your cloud, is that Atleast you’ve been given this time to heal (and might I add your doing EXTREMELY well!) before the big holidays hit. I literally had BD end of November, then Christmas, NY, D6 birthday, and our anniversary then valentines. It was an AWFUL few months I won’t lie. However, that was my stepping stone. I got over all those dates in quick succession with three small babies. There really isn’t much else I can’t do. You’ll find you’ll also have your own “if I can do X. There isn’t myvh I can’t do”

[LBS_Les]

I just wanted to take a second to thank each and every one of you who responded to my thread last weekend.   I had a chance to read it, and I definitely had tears in my eyes, reading all your thoughtful responses.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Nothing to report and I have kind of just been taking a break from the board for a couple of days.   After thanksgiving passed, I was back to normal and felt a lot stronger than I did before the holidays.   Just goes to show that with each cycle, I get stronger and stronger.

I have put my wedding ring back on my left.   Ive been trying to wear it on my right hand, but I keep having an allergic reaction of some kind.   I get a bump and it itches like crazy.   I'm not sure why given that its white gold, and when I wear it on my left hand, I dont have that issue.   I am taking it as some kind of sign.   

As for the dog, I am leaning on the not gonna bother side.   Her birthday is in 10 days and I'll reach out to her then.   I've been giving it a lot of thought, and Im going to go for the heartfelt message, letting her know she's loved, and that I hope the next year brings her peace and something else.....not sure yet.

She doesn't seem bothered by communication, I won't mention us.  Just a message with love, so she knows I dont hate her and that I care for her.

Lockdown is still in full effect.   So spending lots of time in solitude.   

Thank you again, to those who sent your kind words.  I do appreciate it

Stay safe y'all

[sachat3]

It’s nice to see your update.

I must say, as I was reading the bit about joke I ring I also thought it may well be some kinda sign. But you said it yourself HA.