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Our Community / How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by MadLuv on Today at 08:34:04 AM »
You know I think I wish someone would have just simply said, go by actions and not by words. If he wanted to be with you he would. I think the hardest thing is that no matter what you tell a friend they think they know them and what you or we have gone through is not their situation. He or she is different. I agree with XY on meeting her where she is and I also agree with Kaydee on reaching her by yout example. Only saying this is what I experienced. I think it is ok to gently offer advise to help them question and think even if they cant accept as long as you aren’t forcing them to accept it.

Our Community / How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 05:50:40 AM »
“She has had a few interactions with the MLCer and she's starting to see everything continues to be about him (sound familiar?) She acknowledges she's putting his wellbeing in front of hers and that needs to change. “

There you go…..her process is starting….baby steps, trial and error. But it begins for all of us with these kind of small ah-ha moments when we start to see the patterns, doesn’t it?

You’re a good friend and she’s lucky to have you.
At the same time, the universe is also giving you the gift of learning when to pop some of your natural fixer impulses to one side lol.
Our Community / Re: How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by Baxter1 on Today at 03:40:09 AM »
My two cents…in the beginning I didn’t want advice. I just wanted to vent/cry/whatever to get those feeling out. People would tell me what to do, I would just nod and thank them.
I’m thinking listening is what your friend needs now, pepper in the practical advice about the legal stuff but, at least for me, the supporting shoulder to cry on was what was needed.
Our Community / Re: In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by Baxter1 on Today at 03:33:42 AM »
The silver lining (if there is one) is that I can go wherever I want. I’m working on getting all the US states and Canadian provinces. This is something we did when we were dating but it kinda fell off when the kids were born. I do miss the companionship but sometimes it’s ok to do your own thing.
Our Community / Re: How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by One day at a time on Today at 02:54:49 AM »
Thank you all for your advice. It's really helpful to get other people's perspective on this. I think I just went into protective mode and wanted to prevent my friend from making some of the mistakes I made but, as we all well know, we need to make them to learn the lessons. It also probably goes with my personality, I'm a problem solver, it's pretty much what I do for a living so I automatically look at the information in front of me and make decisions based on logic. It comes on automatically and sometimes I forget that other people don't function the same way I do. Even in my deepest emotional turmoil, the practical side of me would take charge and sort things out so everyone thought I was doing great. The reality is that the emotional side took years to catch up but I kept that to myself, my IC and this forum.

I had a very good chat with my friend last night and I thought of the advice given to me here so I could support her better. She has had a few interactions with the MLCer and she's starting to see everything continues to be about him (sound familiar?) She acknowledges she's putting his wellbeing in front of hers and that needs to change. She talked about some of the complicated feelings/emotions.. shame, embarrassment, fear of the unknown. I reminded her of the advice she gave me when I was going through that and she found it helpful. That lead to her asking me some questions about my own experience as an LBS, the parts that she didn't get to see at the time. I reinforced the message that she needs to do what she thinks is right, regardless of what any of his friends and family say (including me). She has a good support system so I think she'll be fine but her journey is just beginning and I think she gets there's a long road ahead.  :'(
Our Community / Re: How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by Songanddance on Today at 01:49:56 AM »
My take - Yes she is your BFF.  You've stated how she helped you when your marriage plummeted.  Do the same for her.

Being reciprocal means being present for her at that moment in time.  Don't try to lead or second guess her.  By all means ask her how she can help protect herself financially and then if she asks you what she could do, remind her of what you found useful.

Feel, felt found method is also a good approach but only when the person you want to help asks or shows you through their words that they need you to help them proactively.   "I know how you feel about ........You remember I felt the same way....and what I found was........."

Sometimes just stepping back, listening, being present is all people need.  She may come to her own conclusions and that is where you can either offer an alternative viewpoint to consider or just allow her to think her own conclusions through.

One of my all time favourite maxims is "When the student is ready - the teacher will appear." 
Up until then - just be her shoulder, her support and remember to lead from the front by showing her how you are handling things. 
Our Community / How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by Treasur on July 18, 2024, 10:49:33 PM »
Fwiw you might do worse than use some of the way veys respond to newbies when they first show up here….

Keep it simple bc LBS brain fog is a real thing, isn’t it?
Say you are truly sorry that this is happening in her life.
Reassure her frequently that she is not crazy, not alone and that none of this is her fault…..this is happening TO her not BECAUSE of her.
Listen to the questions she asks herself out loud, or asks you….not bc you need to answer them but because they tell you where her head and priorities are at a given time.
Don’t don the magic mind reading hat about what her spouse will or won’t do or play second hand marriage police on what he is doing or how much he is lying. That’s not your job and tbh your conclusions don’t really matter; hers do. But don’t lie to her….if she asks you a direct question, tell her the truth as you know it. Bc gaslighting never helps, does it?

But try to gently encourage her, in baby steps, usually by asking simple questions, to focus on the reality she sees in front of her nose right now as it is as opposed to how it might evolve, and on what she can control and what she cannot, what  belongs to her and what does not. What she is learning about what helps her a little, what hurts her a lot. And what her priorities are on any given day.

And encourage her to respect her feelings and be kind to herself by modelling that in how you treat her.
With a side order perhaps of small gift moments when you do things or talk about things that are not related to her spouse if she is able. Tiny moments sometimes.

And keep telling her that how she feels and all the things she is thinking are normal, that as we all know, this is a process and it will not always feel how it feels today.

Looking back, for me, for most of us I think, I didn’t need someone to solve my problems or give me answers (even if I felt and said I did lol). I needed to feel safe. I needed to feel heard. I needed the world to have a little kindness. I needed to feel I was not crazy.  I needed to be reminded of who I am above and beyond the s&itshow I was dealing with or how my then spouse was treating me. And I needed to feel that someone else had faith in my ability to get to another day and that I would not be stuck where I was forever.

As you know, as we all know, nobody does their best thinking when they are traumatised or in denial. And sometimes that comes with longer term consequences, that’s true. But we also know, and we see here everyday, that for every LBS, the way out is through and we build that path for ourselves in our own way. We are very lucky if we have people who can metaphorically sit with us on the bench where we actually are at any given moment, as opposed to the bench where we want to be or the bench where they want us to be. It’s a tremendous gift, can be a life saving gift imho and certainly a sanity saving gift.

Our Community / In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by Nas on July 18, 2024, 03:01:03 PM »
I think it’s fantastic that you went to Brazil. Life is too short to wait to live it - if you have the ability and means to do something you want, you should do it. I do stuff on my own when it’s something that looks interesting to me, local ballet, museums (just saw a very cool sci-fi show), local theater. Always end up finding people to talk to as well. I guess I’ve had practice though because I’ve been going to poetry readings by myself for decades because there’s no one who ever wants to go to those with me lol.
Our Community / In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by Biscuit on July 18, 2024, 02:49:07 PM »
I've ended up doing a load of music events and dance music nights on my own since BD - it's been brilliant - I've met so many new people at them - and some I keep meeting up with at events and now arrange to go to stuff with them too now.....
Our Community / Re: How much should I tell my LBS friend?
« Latest by Ready2Transform on July 18, 2024, 12:54:16 PM »
Only you know if your friend will be receptive. I tried to do this with a friend in the past whose now xH was clearly in MLC. I didn't point her toward the forum because I knew it wouldn't align with her approach, but I did try to bring up MLC and sort of "predict" what would happen next (which always did). It gave her resistance and made her very defensive that her situation was not at all like mine (except it was). I would still probably try to ease her into it, BUT be prepared that just like you figured out on your own the best way toward acceptance and figuring out your path, she'll do the same. Just be there for her. That's always the main thing. Making her see any particular diagnosis or possibility in her situation is way secondary to just being a good friend.

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