Author Topic: Moving forward after MLC.

Finding Joy · **OP:** May 03, 2023, 06:19:31 PM

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11762.0
Hey there.
Something has been on my mind a lot lately. My oldest daughter is now 18. I do realize I cannot place her actions at my h’s feet. That said many of his choices caused raising her for several years to be on me. She and all of my children struggled with having basically lost their father, or at least the father they knew during that period.

He went from a loving caring man to a selfish absent father. When he came back he was still broken and had to slowly mend his relationships. In many ways he has now done that, but the first year at least of him being home she would not allow him to parent her. She went through a period where She sort of rebelled. Not over the top, but it was there. She lied and did what she wanted regardless of rules.

She ended up pregnant. She is due in the next couple of weeks and the father is present thankfully. We are hopeful that she finishes up her last semester of her associates first. It will be close.

I’m not bitter towards my h. I just can’t help but make the connection that his choices during his MLC do have long term and long lasting effects. Even though he is currently being an amazing husband and father.

I know I still have wounds from events that were a domino effect of his choices during that time and choices I made due to him leaving. I guess I’m saying, even though we are reconciled and continue to grow and work on our relationship. The choices made and the consequences are sometimes tough to live with.

The other side of that is that we found a house in TX. We move finally in 1 month. We get to settle down and start fresh after moving around in the military. I love the area and am thrilled to sort of put this chapter mostly behind us. I could not be more thankful overall.

The house is outdated so we will spend our summer working on it. It has a pool and a basketball court in the backyard which is fun. I’m hopeful it brings us all closer together.

MadLuv · **#1:** May 03, 2023, 07:52:54 PM

The lingering affects on the children is hard and they seem to come in ways tou dont expect. So glad the father is in the picture and your H is also back and a support for you and the your daughter. Welcome to Texas!! Enjoy your nee home! Texas is great

Finding Joy · **#2:** May 03, 2023, 08:08:26 PM

Madluv- Thank you! I am a native born West Texas gal:). We also lived in Boerne for 4 years and much of my family is in central TX. So finally coming home! We cannot wait to get some good Mexican food and HEB.

UrsaMajor · **#3:** May 04, 2023, 12:20:24 AM

Following on FJ.

As for D18, kids rebel - the question is how hard and how much. Looks like in this case it was a little too hard... All you (and H) can do now is be there for her to give her the emotional and moral support she will need....

Treasur · **#4:** May 04, 2023, 01:15:26 AM

Congratulations on your move back to Texas, FJ
And congratulations too on the arrival of the new member of your clan, even if the circumstances are not what you would have chosen for your girl. Will she be going with you to Texas too?
I guess one of the gifts of MLC....amongst all the rubble...is that it gives us some useful life skills and perspective on ways to deal with unexpected life plot twists beyond our control, doesn’t it?

Finding Joy · **#5:** May 04, 2023, 06:57:20 AM

Ursa-Too true! We are doing our best to support them.

Treasur-Yes, she and her fiancé are coming with us and will get married after baby comes. I tried to talk them into waiting to get married a couple of years and living separately, but they want to get married. They will probably live with us for a few months and then get their own place. He is transferring his job there and then intending to start his own business. He is a carpenter. I am thankful that they are not staying here a 12 hour car ride away. Ha! I am excited about the baby(boy) even if I am concerned for the domino effects for my d.

Nas · **#6:** May 04, 2023, 08:32:18 AM

I imagine that is one of the hardest parts of rebuilding is moving forward with vulnerable openness and trust in a new and different future, even as the residual consequences of the past are sometimes still falling around you.

I used to talk a lot with my therapist about how my dire circumstances would have always been difficult, but are in fact dire instead of simply difficult because of the choices made by my former H. Life happens, difficulties happen, and where you are in your life when they happen does play a role in how they get handled. I try not to think about what could have/might have/would have been if only, because the past is written in stone and looking backwards and wishing something had been a different way makes me feel a kind of “bad” for which there’s no remedy. All any of us can do is start from where we are now and assess how to move forward if it’s worth it. Sounds like for you, it sure is.

readytofixmyselffirst · **#7:** May 05, 2023, 08:21:32 AM

Hello,

Congratulations on Texas. My wife and I have talked about retiring in Frisco. She really liked the city. I can live anywhere as long as the word retired is attached to the place LOL.

Congratulations on becoming a grandmother. I have a baby nephew and we all cherish him.

Quote

I just can’t help but make the connection that his choices during his MLC do have long term and long lasting effects. Even though he is currently being an amazing husband and father.

Sometimes there are connections and sometimes there are not. My mentor's daughter had a baby when she was a freshman in college. Hid the pregnancy from them until almost delivery date. The family was very intact and supportive. Things happen. Just pray for a healthy baby and a happy home for the baby to feel safe and secure. By the way, the My friend's daughter finished her degree, married a different guy and is doing well.

I only wish you the very best and it is always good to hear from you.

Have an awesome weekend,

((((Ready))))

FrenchHusband · **#8:** June 05, 2023, 04:43:37 AM

Hello Finding Joy,

thank you very much for your testimonial, your whole story is very inspiring for me, especially these words that I will keep in mind and in heart during my journey.

Quote from: Finding Joy

I have watched us sort of go up a ladder. Hate, indifference, tolerance, coworkers, coparents, acquaintances, sort of neighborly, friends, affectionate friends, and I would say now dating(yet fully committed).

I recognize to have been through the following ones in the 8 previous months :
Hate, indifference, tolerance, sharing house, coparents. I am now moving slightly to "Acquaintances"

I wish I could continue to climb the ladder up to the top (loved husband) : I see there are a lot of steps waiting for me. I recognize also that I found joy each time my wife made a step forward. I am very grateful to you for describing the way so clearly !

I wish to you and your husband the best !

Finding Joy · **#9:** September 29, 2023, 03:51:08 PM

Thank you all, hope and pray you are well.

We are doing so well here. It has been more than two years since my husband moved back in. Just recently I have truly begun to fully let him in. As in my walls are coming down and I am fully in love with him again. He is an amazing man and husband at this point and I am thankful things worked out the way they did(not thankful for MLC😂).

That said it really was such a long process. It has been almost 5 years since bd. Being that I was basically in love with someone else when my h came back, it took a long time for me to feel anything for my h. I chose the marriage and family hoping feelings would come in time. Mostly because we did have such a long healthy marriage before hand and he was truly repentant. For me it felt like starting fresh with someone or working it out with him were equally hard tasks with 4 kids at home.

I couldn’t be more thrilled that the last of my walls started coming down and that I trust and fully love my h again. I wasn’t sure of the outcome when I took the leap to try.

The process was hard on us both to reconcile. Thankfully he came back knowing it would be a long hard process. I also assumed years before I would love him fully. In that way we were both right. Much like an onion one layer at a time.

Healing came within a year for my three youngest. Honestly though my oldest daughter has abandonment issues and trauma. She avoids the same way her father used to and I can only pray and be there.

The person I had fallen in love with just got engaged and it is going to make for some awkward family events. Our families are very close and do all holidays together. I chose not to tell my h of my feelings because he left me and what I did during that time was my business. That said, I of course keep my distance. I would hate for my husband to not want to go to my family events due to this. If it were anyone else I would have told him. I am unwilling to lose out on seeing my family due to the consequences of him leaving. Had he not left I would have never fallen for this guy and consequently had my heart broken again. I am the one who walked away, but it broke me.

I guess consequences happen and life did not stop while he lost it. I could not be more thankful though for the man he is today and the lessons learned by both of us.

I do want to renew our vows at some point. We have been married 23 1/2 years, so I kind of want to wait for year 25. I knew for sure I did not want to renew vows until I loved him fully, so it’s fun to think about now that, that has finally happened.

Also now that we are settled and he is on his last military tour I am so thankful to be near family in TX. No more uprooting and moving around. We love our home and community. We have been here 3 months so still working on community.

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Author Topic: Moving forward after MLC.