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91
Our Community / living is an opportunity
« Latest by Treasur on March 21, 2024, 08:31:53 AM »
Yes, upholding is le bon mot  :)
Yes, fwiw - although I understand your reasoning - I think you may be being a little rigid on the ‘dit bonjours’ or equivalent. Why? Bc you can only control you. You can treat her with resoect and politeness, you can want to be treated with respect and politeness but you can’t make her do it just bc it matters to you, can you? Bc perhaps it is a ritual that does not entirely reflect her reality. Maybe not yours completely? Bc there may be practical conversations you need to have and your boundary may make that harder. Above all, I think the fact that you are asking yourself if it is too rigid probably suggests that your instinct is that it may be.

But perhaps there is a similar boundary which is in the neighbourhood of that?

I’m not quite sure what the boundary is about for you, assuming you are not trying to ‘make’ her ‘behave nicely’? Are you informing or asking for something from her? Is it about her attention or participation? Is it about not tolerating being ignored or talked to in a rude way? Idk. But if you think about it, I’m sure you can adapt the boundary to fit what the issue really is.

We can all see how measured and increasingly detached you are becoming as your wife moves forward with her ‘plans’. (I say ‘plans’ bc obviously there are a lot of holes and secrets lol) What a blessing to get some advice from your lawyer/friend as things unfold and to have the time to think about what your future boundaries might be eg her taking S6 with her. I’m a little confused though….ha ha it’s an LBS habit  :)…with this talk about lawyers, not wanting matrimonial property and taking S6….is she still planning for a half time in Switzerland and half at home which I think you talked about earlier? Or has it evolved into a full Switzerland escape?

How are your kids reacting as her ‘plan’ starts to become a bit more real? I wouldn’t worry too much about the why when she increases or improves her level of interaction with the kids as long as it does not add to their distress. Whatever her reason is, most likely it will be a self serving one rather than a deep concern about the kids bc, well, MLC right?

The most important thing probably is how you will support your kids, and their own feelings and preferences, as things move forward so you can continue to be a safe and stable place for them regardless of what your wife chooses to do or not do. I hope you feel a little proud of how far you have come, my friend, bc you are coping remarkably well from what you post.
92
Our Community / Onwards
« Latest by Music45 on March 21, 2024, 07:39:29 AM »
Thanks Ever
The joint bank account thing in your case is odd isn't it?
Glad you get the wth moments too.
The "core family" hadn't occurred to me either but it does fit how H behaves. Another bonkers gift from mlc.
Keep smiling...
93
Our Community / living is an opportunity
« Latest by FrenchHusband on March 21, 2024, 07:38:15 AM »
Time for journaling a bit since last week

on personal front I am exploring more and more my own shadow, alone and with help of spiritual counselor. And I am now writing down my dreams when I wake up. I remember more and more my dreams since I began 2 months ago. Both actions are continuation of my inner journey.
Work is fine. Parish activities are currently very busy with preparation of branches for Palm Sunday.

last week-end was D14's birthday : now she is D15  ;D. Time with children is very good, more and more.
And Friday and Satturday of same weekend, W was in Switzerland. I let her arrange who would pick up S6 at school (she asked D14 at last minute  ::)) Friday evening I asked the daughters about W and they told me that mum will come back Satturday. I told them mum did not tell me, but I did not insist on that topic.
It was another occasion for me to check how detached I am : I had no reaction with the news of W spending a night outside without telling me, and I spent a good evening with the children : the talking was really free and even more joyful than usual.

Satturday evening W came back, and I had no reaction. The dinner together has been a good moment, the children asked a few question to W regarding the travel and the job (me not). W answered shortly and evasively. So it happens that W told the children "behind my back" about her looking for a job in Switzerland. During same dinner D14 asked me to watch a movie together, and D17 asked mom to plait her hair, then after dinner W sat in the living room in front of the TV, so we spent the whole evening all together (but S6 in bed). That had not happened since ? 16 months ? D14 asked only me for the choice of the movie and set the languages in English/subtitle English, that is usual for both D and me, not for W. W did not complain but watched the movie ( :D) and at the end she even admitted that she liked the movie ( ;D ;D).
For D15 birthday I cooked together with her what she chose and I bought her the present that she wanted. Again a nice moment together joined by W.

Next day I had also a discussion with W that finished very fast. I wanted to share information about the selling of our appartment, regarding decisions that we may take together. And I set up a new boundary : no discussion without minimal greeting (hello, how are you). As W did not reciprocate or answer my greetings, I walked out of the room. After this failed discussion, I have been a bit in doubt : is my boundary too strong ? Am I too much rigid ?
In the past I was not good for setting up boundaries and upholding  them (is it correct English, please ?)
On one hand, politeness is important for me, it is a sign of the respect we have between ourselves. And it is important for me to set a good example for the children. Sometimes S6 or the daughters are not answering the greetings from W (not my problem) and S6 is recently less polite (my problem).
On the other hand, it is important for me to maintain a line of communication between W and me as we are still living together with the children. Currently I am using texts (W usually takes them into account). Regarding the selling of our appartment,
Do you have some advises on this topic ? Currently my position is to keep my boundary. Do you find it is too rigid ?

Then I got a call from my lawyer/friend. He told me that he discussed with the opposing lawyer. So the Switzeland project is confirmed, and W is not interested by our matrimonial property ( :o). The girls are old enought to choose with whom they will stay, but W wants to take S6 with her ( :o >:()
For me it is a clear NO. And for the lawyer also. In case of amicable agreement, I will never accept this. So if W wants to take S6 with her, she has to file. A judicial divorce takes 2 years, but the judge can take a temporary decision for that settlement.
According to the lawyer, the risk is less than 1% : S6 has the home, the friends, the school here. And judges never separate children from their sisters and brothers. BUT we have to be vigilant nevertheless : I don't want it to happen, I have to know it may happen. The advice from lawyer is to let time pass and create a "de facto situation" that the judge will eventually confirm. The weekly future planning from W is crazy, but, says my lawyer, it is her problem, not mine.
Last advice, if W wants to leave without an agreement signed, let her go.

For the umpteenth time, after last travel in Switzerland I see W trying to reconnect with the girls. Is it due to guilt, reconnection, or a desperate attempt to make them follow her ? idk, I am always happy to see the interactions increasing.

After the announcement , I wanted to tell many things to W : warnings, requests, lectures. I took time to prepare my response, and, with time, my response is becoming less and less. I am thinking about Treasur's words "the illusion of action". Finally I am slowly reaching this place where I am in peace with doing nothing.
94
Our Community / 25 years and my wife walked out the door
« Latest by Atari25 on March 21, 2024, 06:59:36 AM »
Hi Atari25
Im not here very often now but can relate to your situation. My story "help do I have a MLCER?" may give you hope for the future and if nothing else help pass a few evenings.  My journey started back in 2015 and like you we had been married for 25 years. Today she is home and we have been together for 3 years now(nevery did get a purple sticker on my story :-) ). Life is good and full hence I'm seldom here now. The things I learnt were patience and build your own life waiting is good if its for you but don't just wait use the time to live, learn and build yourself into a better person.
Take very good care of yourself and the very best of luck to you on your new journey. Its a cr&p one but aim to get something good from it. Its took me 8 years so don't beat yourself up if you dont get it first time or second or a third..
Cheers DW

Thank you so much for the encouragement @dogwalker. I truly appreciate it.

If you ever have time I would love to hear your story and how it all went. It's hard to imagine waiting 8 years if I understood you correctly but I'm always happy to hear about success stories.

95
Our Community / Another Broken person joins the club
« Latest by Treasur on March 21, 2024, 06:55:05 AM »
We are all very sorry that you and your kids find yourself needing to find us, but glad you did.

You asked about what you should ‘do for the best’….that sounds like a simple question but it can be influenced quite a lot by the details of where you find yourself right now and what you want given that and what you see as priorities that need decisions or actions from you.

And of course, best for who….we would suggest you focus on best for you and your kids bc, as I’m sure you see already, you have very little influence or control over your spouse’s current thoughts, feelings or actions.

So, ignoring what was and ignoring what might be, how would you describe the current situation? Practical things….money, housing, debt risk, how your kids are coping, your own health and sanity. Have you taken legal advice bc it can vary quite a lot between different places and information can help you avoid reactions that might make things legally more difficult for you in an unknown as yet future? I may have misunderstood bc you use the word ‘partner’, so I am not sure if you are legally married or not. Doesn’t matter to us but it may matter legally in terms of yoyr rights and obligations where you live.

And what does that mean you see as the current priorities that need decision or action from you?

The simple answer to your question is probably a lot less than it might feel you should and a lot slower than it might feel you should. A lot less about her and a lot more about you and your kids. But a lot more on a probably just a few things right now that protect and strengthen you as an independent man and a father dealing with a s&itshow beyond your comprehension that is unlikely to disappear any time soon.

We understand all too well how very WTF it is to shift one’s own lens to adapt to a new and deeply painful situation for your family. Tbh I think that changing one’s own mental habits is just as hard as adapting to the surreal behaviour of an MLC spouse. Takes most of us a while. So, for instance, your wife’s words right now are worth not much at all….and you should start adjusting to the idea that she will probably lie a lot about things like OM. And blame you for things that have nothing to do with you or that are/were your control. Takes most of us a while to stop picking up our spouse’s monkeys or tidying up the mess they are making in their own lives. I’m not saying you should be a jerk or trying to punish her, even if understandably you feel like that sometimes, but you can’t nice her back or dance hard enough to fix this bc it isn’t about you.

Having said that - and it sounds as if you have already done some of this - there are things you can do, and should do, to strengthen yourself and mitigate the possible damage for you and your kids. Don’t drink if that’s a weakness or escape mechanism for you. Avoid the appeal of nice sympathetic women lol. Learn what helps you to manage your own emotional reactions. Breathe. Focus on some things that feel good and have nothing at all to do with your spouse or your marriage. Prioritise stability and safety and calm nd consistency for you and your kids bc whatever kind of wife and mother she was before, your wife is more likely to be bringing drama, instability and uncertainty in the near future. And what should you prioritise that will help you to do that and keep doing it?

How can we best support you right now?
What do you see as your priorities at the moment? Or your biggest concerns that you feel you can do something about?

And a PS….try to be careful about the words you use when you talk to yourself bc strangely our brains tend to listen lol. I’m sure that right now you feel broken, but I’d encourage you to find a different word which is more accurate and perhaps a bit more constructive….battered, dented, upended, overwhelmed…..bc it’s not as black and white over time as it feels at the moment, I promise. Life will get better even if it takes a very different path than the one you’d planned for your family, but it takes time and a few bits of trial and error. Keep the faith though that it can get better even if you can’t quite see what that looks like yet bc that can matter on the darkest of days.  :)
96
Our Community / Another Broken person joins the club
« Latest by Reinventing on March 21, 2024, 02:09:15 AM »
Drewpea, sorry you are here with us. Everything you described is very familiar with us. I say that as a strange comfort for you to know you've landed in a group who has been devastated and understands from experience the maelstrom of emotions.

From what you wrote, you have moved back into the house? That part wasn't clear.

How old are your children? That helps give context to your situation.

Just know this: you won't always feel this way and it will get better. It takes time.
97
Our Community / Onwards
« Latest by Evermore on March 20, 2024, 10:45:34 PM »
Good to hear your update Music. You sound a lot like I feel. Still have those WTF!? moments but they pass and days are now mostly good. H still very distant.

Quote
S thinks H contacts me at these times (death?) as I'm his "core family" .

I hadn't thought of it exactly like that ^ before, but I think your S is right because I think my xh still thinks of me as 'core family' as well.

It explains why he still wants to maintain a family health insurance policy and a joint bank account (despite being divorced now for several years and despite living with OW for 5 years). And why he still 'likes' and comments on many of my FB posts. I've tried before to explain the feeling I have about this and about how I think he feels about me/us; but haven't ever managed to explain it well (even to myself). So thank your S for giving me a better way of framing how I think he feels. Yes, yes, I know we can't actually know. It's what I sense though.

I COMPLETELY agree that dogs are brilliant at making us feel loved and needed. Very glad to hear you have a new one in your life.
98
Our Community / In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by FrenchHusband on March 20, 2024, 10:26:24 PM »
Quote from: WHY
What explanation could there be, rational or irrational, to explain this. 
Quote from: mcm64d
Any suggestions or conjecture on why she's lying about this?

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.






99
Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by Anoi on March 20, 2024, 04:50:16 PM »
Lol, every time i am asked what is going on with my marriage and him and his decisions and actions i can't explain without the feeling that i talk about something completely inadequate. There is no reasonable explanation for MLC behavior and response of LBS to this behavior. I mean reasonable for ppl who never encountered MLC.
That is why FakeBook invented the Relationship status "It's complicated."

Well they should add "it's inadequate" :) Because adter all is it really that complicated? We are here and we talk about how it is scripted and how many similarities we see in their behavior and the goal we set to ourselves is to detache and become a whole person again, with or without them.
Not as complicated, just hard:)
I am planning a weekend trip with me, myself and I. Have two places to choose from. I need to breathe some fresh air while i am still jobless and not that busy. Looking forward, will be good time;)
100
Morningdove what a very nice update. I could relate to some of the feelings you described.it sounds like you are truly healed. It’s very inspiring to read your story.

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