[Amanda W]

Here’s my story:

My husband and I have been married for nearly 26 years together 28.  We were 24 when we got married and had a pretty awesome marriage with the usual small fights, but nothing huge. Then in 2019, he was driving over the road at the time, he basically told me he was done.  We fought about it because I didn’t want a divorce and he was sending so many mixed signals it was crazy. I was a mess.  We were split for about 6 months where he completely cut me off financially and we had no communication.  He had divorce papers drawn up and signed.  The day I went to sign them I called him and asked if he was absolutely sure about this and he said he needed to close this chapter.  I told him that it wouldn’t be closing the chapter it would be the end of the book. 
So we ended up meeting for lunch and started “dating” and before long he was back home.  We never really addressed what happened other than for him to say that he “got caught up in his head” and felt like I was using him.  I asked how do you use your spouse? Makes no sense to me… but he never really answered that question.
Then in 2022, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.  While it is treatable it is incurable.  At first he was a complete helicopter husband.  He wouldn't my appointments though unless I insisted.  Then came time for my stem cell transplant, which required me to be near the hospital for at least a month.  My close friend agreed to be my caregiver since we couldn’t afford for my husband to be out of work for a month (He is a business owner).  While there he would call me regularly and everything was pretty normal, other than he never once came to visit even though it was only a couple hours away. He could have come on a weekend or even just for a night. I never mentioned it though because I didn’t want to cause him more stress. I was unable to work and was on disability by this time, but his business was doing well so we were financially doing well.
Once I return I start to feel a little bit better, but still not well enough to resume socializing on a regular basis or anything like that. We also finally bought the house we had been renting for years. When he left me the first time he said he didn’t wa/nt to buy the house and was scared etc., but now he was determined to buy it and we both busted our butts to make it happen.  He really wanted to build a shooting range in the back acreage, but we didn’t have the money to do it all at once.  He was frustrated with this, but refused to save up or do it piece meal.  So this was a lingering resentment he had.  I had a horse that for years I was heavy into training and showing, which at the time he was good with or so it seemed but now shows major resentment.
Around 6 months ago, he had his mother move in with us hoping that she would help him with business scheduling and paperwork and help me around the house etc.  Almost immediately, she showed that she wasn’t going to be much help and in fact was stressing him out asking for money etc.
Early in my treatment, due to broken back, I had to sleep with the bed propped up, so it was uncomfortable for him to sleep in bed so he started sleeping on the couch.  Once I was able to sleep with the bed flat, he would still frequently sleep on the couch. I asked him to please sleep with me because I would have nightmares and it was reassuring to have him there for me.  I also asked for snuggles and intimacy.  We have been unable to have sex because he has ED from diabetes, plus my chemo.  But I still wanted and needed some intimacy but the more I asked the more he refused.
Then he started hanging out at his friend’s house later and later, leaving me home alone all day long.  I told him that it was bothering me and causing me anxiety so he started staying even later or not even coming home. 
Finally, just before Christmas, he said he was unhappy. He still wanted me to go to his family’s with him for Christmas even though I had reservations. When we got back home we sat down to talk but he just stonewalled. Wouldn’t say anything and of course I freaked and pushed which caused him to lash out. This is when he said he didn't want to be married to me anymore, along with telling me “Congratulations, you're worst nightmare is coming true. You will die alone” and he left. Then my health insurance got canceled for nonpayment. My car got repaired. He would be fine and even helpful as long as we didn’t talk about us. He would refuse, or get angry. I asked him if he would do counseling and if he still wanted the divorce afterwards I'd agree to it and he said yes.  Then he started getting wish-washy and wouldn’t discuss it at all, back to stonewalling. 
I finally sent him a letter last night telling him I was ready for the divorce and what I proposed as far as housing etc.  He lost it and started spewing major hateful stuff.  I tried to stay calm and understanding and not react to his bile.  I again asked what he wanted to do and he still would not answer.  He lashed out saying we would negotiate through our lawyers etc. but he has made no move to hire a lawyer. 
I don’t know if this is a midlife crisis or if he really no longer loves me or what. Do I stand? Do I retain my lawyer (which will set him off yet again). I don’t know how to behave at this point or what to do.  It is affecting my health (showing up in my bloodwork etc).
I’m sure I am missing some important details, but that's my story in a nutshell.

[Ready2Transform]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Any one thing is enough in itself, but all at once is no doubt completely overwhelming.

It sounds very MLC-ish, but acceptance of that doesn't change the need for action. Since he's had a history of financial abuse, and you're in a situation where you really need an advocate, I would first consult an attorney, even if it's just a freebie to learn your rights. It's necessary. Information is power.

Build a support team around yourself. Family and friends are going to be important to help you manage your health and whatever you need to do in this situation.

We can't negotiate them out of MLC, or whatever is happening with them. And your health and security have to come #1. Big hugs.

[Amanda W]

Thank you.  I have consulted an attorney, I just have to save up the money for the retainer.  It’s hard on my fixed income and wondering what bill (mortgage?) he’s going to fail to pay.  I have no where to go, my credit is trashed otherwise I would move, so I am very much dependent on him right now.

[Amanda W]

Quick update to show the swings.  I see a text from my husband when I got home from treatment this afternoon. For background, he is out of town at his uncle’s funeral.  It read:

We may be firetrucked up… but that was the biggest $h!teshow of a funeral I've ever seen. Impersonal and cheap as firetruck.

I responded in a supportive way and he went in to a little more detail, but I did not address the reference to us.

This is why I’m on a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Last night was spewing nastiness and today… this.

[KayDee]

Dear Amanda,

So sorry you are here, but you are among people who understand. It's particularly crushing for you because you have your own personal difficulties to contend with, with the myeloma. Something that I have noticed, very, very often is that one of the potential tipping points into MLC occurs when the non-crisis spouse is in need and thus needs the support of the MLC. I wrote this on GinasPrayer:

Things usually tip into crisis under the weight of difficulties, during which time the crisis person's self-esteem or self worth hits a very low point. It's likely then they are looking to their spouse to notice their distress / depression, to lift them up somehow. But we poor souls, we haven't really understood the depths of what is going on, usually because the MLC did not communicate that anything was wrong. And, from my observation, this situation often occurs when the non-crisis spouse's attention may be focused elsewhere for a while. Could be for something good - new job, a success, a new baby even. Or not so good, like an illness, issues with children or parents needing support etc. And because fear of rejection and abandonment is common with the FOO that lays the foundation for crisis the MLC maybe internalises or perceives neglect. The spectre of abandonment. None of this is your fault, or about you, or any of us in fact, but I do think there is some truth in the feeling of neglect and not being loved, or loved enough (I had both stated as a 'cause' at BD). People who fear (really pathologically fear) abandonment, often abandon first. It's a very destructive defense mechanism.

Many of us here are  self-confessed 'fixers' and/or we may have consciously or otherwise shielded our MLC from too much emotional stress over the years. This is perhaps what you did when you asked a friend to support you during treatment. No blame to you whatsoever, but you did the coping for your H. I realised that I had always coped for my H. And then, when things piled up on him, at a time when I was experiencing some stress, not only could he not look to me for help in coping, he had the added pressure of me needing support. I don't write this as an excuse, but more toward an understanding. Many (most?) MLCrs have poor emotional coping skills. We perhaps didn't notice before because said 'skills' hadn't been tested too hard before.

I guess you intuitively know that you cannot currently rely on your H for anything. Big mantra here (and for me now also) is to have no expectations while he is in crisis. He won't act in the 'normal' way, and crucially, he will likely not be able to handle any pressure, plus run to avoid facing anything difficult. This is where he is at the moment, which is really hard to come to terms with, but it is useful to know, because you need to focus on your own health and well-being first and foremost. Your plans in this respect are better off without him in them.

It seems like he is still expecting you to be his support and ear, with no obvious recognition of the carnage he has created or the major life changing things you have to deal with. This adds another point to the pile - it's weird but true - the person in this kind of crisis seems to revert to a kind of Wo/Man sized teenager. That's another helpful thing to understand, I suppose.

Take care of yourself....

[Amanda W]

Thank you. I appreciate the perspective. I am doing my best to focus on myself, but it's hard. I miss and need him so much right now.

[FaithWalker]

How are you doing AW?  Any updates?