I could read all about MLC and related topics with no issues, but couldn’t handle TV shows at all and was a lover of crafts and I could not do anything creative at all. It took 2 years before I could. For me, my brain was just so overwhelmed with the tragedy and confusion of it all. Just the basic “ I can’t even think straight” so wasn’t capable of anything normal for a while.

I do think part of my problem is the brain overload--both piano and crochet are new skills for me, but I can't push too hard on the learning.  I easily become frustrated when it is challenging.  I am learning, but taking it slowly.  I try to work on those things for like 10 minutes a day at least.  Maybe I need to rebuild my reading capacity also. 


More time spent at home. Like I've shared before, its hard when he's there so much.  He is at the house so much, and it is hard to say exactly what is changed, but when you've been around somebody for so long, you can pick up on a lot of changes in person even if you can't always put a finger on exactly what it is.  He seems much less angry than he was, and also less manic.  He isn't working out anymore (which he actually has worked out regularly pretty much our entire relationship).  He is spending a lot of time at the house scrolling on his phone, playing video games, or he will ask if I want to watch TV.  Spends lots of time there, but then will be gone for a night or two, and sometimes comes to the house and works from home in between.  He's sleeping a lot--like 9-10 hours a night and then will still take a nap.

A couple of things have happened.  One, there were pretty big layoffs at his work.  He kind of expressed to that it was stressful because people he had worked with for a long time got laid off.  I also, had a mishap with weights while I was working out and ended up with a bruise on my face (honestly I'm lucky that it's only a small bruise).  He has expressed concern that people are going to think he hit me-only like 10 people in my life have any idea what is going on with us.  He even texted me and asked if anybody asked me about it.  I think its really interesting because although it hasn't been physical abuse, I feel like what he has put me through has been worse.  What if everything he has done left a mark that showed on the outside?

I know that not everybody understands or supports standing for your marriage. From what I understand, many who are abused feel ashamed. I know that none of it is my fault, but I won't share what I am going through because many will make me feel ashamed for standing and not leaving.  I am not going to judge others for divorcing, but in my mind, when you say "For better or worse," people don't really mean it.  They mean for better or not so good, but they don't truly have any idea what "worse" can actually look like.   

As long as he's still there he will continue to channel his anger and monstering out on you.  This is what you are dealing with now.
Looking back won't help much.
You need some peace so you can get your head on straight.He's keeping you confused one  day it's one thing the next day it's another or within hours his mind what he says and behavior changes.  It will help your children too. Don't be so understanding your brains fall out. You do not have to put up with this.
He shouldn't be helping the OW financially he has his own family he should be helping.

As long as you are still 'there" he will continue to do whatever he wants. What you allow continues.

Please bear with me
Why us he here if he does not want to honour the marriage. I have been clear and the last 2 years also shown it clearly that I will not engage.
Why so much hatred and anger against me .
He talks to my son so clearly and politely and also spoken to a common friend about some parts of it he has to him that he is not in touch with her just helping her financially.
To me he says he cannot stop being in touch with her, ( to help, not romantically)
He says he will not be transparent which is my condition.
OK let me rake it few days at a time and see.

Love you guys for your patience. The last week was very tough. Too much of rambling
But I dont know where else to go.

I'm trying to look back and see, if he was this person. I feel so stupid to have not realised for 25years. I think he was not so bad . There were a few instances but I dont remember this level of arrogance, ego.
And he claims he is not in touch with the OW, and yet the monstering is so awful. I cannot tell you some things he has said. You'll will ask me to just leave. I've also reacted to his stupidity sometimes it is hard to be calm when someone does not answer you.i know it is my decision. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be one of those wife's who just exists in the marriage without anything in it.
I feel so helpless and hopeless.
I did ask him to put everything up for sale and that we.can go our separate ways . He said OK and the next day he is a different person. Asking if I need anything etc. While I have not been talking. He just exists in the house. How is it possible.
Oh god this is crazy . I just hope I don't go nuts soon.
Detachment comes and goes. It is not consistent for me. It was easy when he was not around but it impacted my children.
What a quandary for us LBS.

That is the problem , no plan B,.have to finish this house. The bank transfers the money to his account as he will be paying the Emi( I paid the down payment and the amount for the plot) loan is a joint loan . Stupid banking system now that I am in this situation,  it would not have mattered otherwise.  Even if is possible and If I ask the bank to transfer to me he will most likely bring the roof down.i don't want to go there. My children are so stressed even if they don't tell me.i can s3nse it. It's such a mess , this horrible human thatnhe has become