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Author Topic: My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!

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My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#120: January 25, 2021, 08:35:36 PM
I saw your post and think it's sad when we see our MLCers not showing any of the documented stage signs of them coming out of their crisis and with no clear way home for them.  I wonder if we should send them the list so they can have us put in the 'loony bin', as they would probably prefer ;D  What a much greater excuse for having to leave than an x wife in the mental health facility!

I am now in my 8th year after BD and see NO progress and have no contact (because of xH not wanting to talk about ANYTHING) - guilt??? ;) ;)

I like that now I can observe rather than obsess about what xH is doing, much healthier place to be.  Goodness, I do remember those bad old days of panic though - never leaves, does it?
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#121: January 27, 2021, 06:01:58 PM
Savoir,
If I knew way back then the journey I would be on I would have never made it.  If I had a total understanding at the time of what it would have taken for me to not survive, to be possibly be home, to be on my own with no work experience other than our own business.  Well...the anxiety would have gotten the best of me.  When MLC told me he last the business I knew what that would mean for me but even then I didn’t panic.  Those days are kind of hazy for me.  There is a lot in the early day’s I don’t remember how I did it but I did.  I mean I know it was God but it’s blurry.  Where I was then and where I am now is so different but what isn’t different is the pain is still there. I have to be honest.  The being alone is so deep.  I miss my life still.  There isn’t much for me in singleness but I still keep moving forward. It’s weird not being in any real world.  I’m not in the married world, not in a dating world, or even a single world.  I’m in between everything. LOL!

Haha, I would love to send him a list and say it’s time for you to be on Step 6 read about it. LOL!  We will be stuck as long as he’s in the affair.  That could be the rest of his life.  We will not move forward while being with here.  I think because he is in one state and she in another he has moved a little but now that has stopped and will stop.  He’s close to the end but he will not be able to go any farther while with her. I’m pretty sure unless she fines someone else they will use each other and stay together. I wouldn’t be surprised they could even get married.  Distance could change everything we will see I guess.
Thanks for always reading Savoir.  Sorry you are 8 years into this and no process, no contact.  But glad you have peace.
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#122: April 04, 2021, 06:54:58 PM
Well, folks I’m hear with a whole new story! A story that has nothing to do with my MLCer.   I’m in a place of confusion as I have someone pursuing me. LOL! I just never seen this and I don’t want to hurt and anyone.  I don’t know that I could even more forward with anyone so I’m taking it one day at a time.

I got connected with someone who I knew when I was 12.  We were sweethearts for a time. He makes me laugh and he makes me forgot.  But, I’m in one state and his in my home state.  I have kept him for now in the friends zone or tried but he is trying hard to move the gage to a relationship.  He was been divorced and his second wife died of cancer.  He knows I have cancer and that doesn’t seem to bother him at all.  We haven’t met up and I just can’t give my heart like that yet.   Then tonight his daughter contact me to make an art piece for her dad and then said how happy she is to see her dad so happy.  I just don’t want to let anyone down here.  I still have my own head issues with what my ex did.  I don’t know if I can truly love someone else the way I loved my MLCer.
Anyone here in a New Relationship?  I can tell you this it’s been 5 weeks since I have had an communication with my ex and new friend is keeping my brain off my ex as well.  I just didn’t see this as something I would ever have and I cant make any promises to anyone.  The new friend does know I’m a bit skittish and he’s trying to keep it slow but I wish he wasn’t talking to his family about me.  It’s putting too much pressure on me and it’s not even really a relationship, just a friendship right now.
Thanks for letting me go on about nothing. LOL!
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#123: April 04, 2021, 11:19:37 PM
Hi UL. I don't have any advice for you but for me it's been almost 7 years now since BD and I know what you're talking about.

I should probably make it clear that my wife is still living with the om, I haven't seen any movement on her part, and I no longer see any possibility of a reconciliation. I'm not waiting for her to return.

I reconnected recently with a woman I knew back when I was 16 or 17. We worked together in my parent's restaurant for a year or two. We weren't sweethearts, just good friends. She's a couple years older than me and she was already married back when I knew her. Over the years we seem to have been on parallel paths, working at the same places a couple of times, and we know a lot of the same people, which is nice.

Her husband died about 6 months ago after an 18 month bout with lung cancer. We've gotten together twice to catch up and we've been messaging a lot. We get along great. She said that I made her laugh for the first time since her husband died. I feel very comfortable when I'm with her but I don't feel anything like what I felt when I met my former wife. I believe the same is true for her with respect to her former husband but I think that she's ready to move forward with some kind of relationship.

I don't know. It's been almost 7 years since BD. Seems like that should be enough time. And maybe at my age (62) things are different and I should be happy to find somebody whose company I enjoy and who enjoys my company. Maybe it works differently than it does when you're a teenager. But I don't know iaf that's enough and I don't know if I'll ever be capable of more and I don't want to hurt her. Maybe my head is still screwed up. too, but my therapist says that we're making great progress.  :D :P :P

I'm looking forward to learning what you figure out.
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#124: April 06, 2021, 04:52:07 PM
First Brain, good to see you still here (in a good way LOL) and second good to read the pain isn’t what it was for you for so long.  I’m so glad you have a friend or even open to that.  Even if it’s not the same feeling.  So...with that if is some advice people including my brother keeps telling me.

Do shut something down because of feelings because every step forward will get your feelings going.  Even if it’s not with that person because if you don’t step forward your feeling will lay dormant. Because I struggled moving or even opening that door at all.  My MLC journey started May of 2014.  I’m coming up on my 7 year as well 6 for the divorce in Oct.  The pain for me was awful for so long.  I still don’t get it honestly but I have moved forward.  My ex is still with the OW but She’s in one state and he is back in the state he left me in.  How that is working for them I don’t know.  They have a weird, weird thing going on.  He will be forever in that relationship because it’s all he has and he refuses to see the craziness in it.  He isn’t one to just say man I screwed up.  He will live with his choice and probably getting a break since he is down here and she is up there. 

So...I’m trying to stick it out with this new friendship and allow it to possibly grow but the bottom line is I don’t see myself giving myself fully to this person.  He could be the person that opened the door or the window.  I don’t know.   
From everyone I’ve talk to they say what we look for in a person is different.  It’s not that first love.  It’s more like best friends, laughter, interest and it’s not that young love feeling.  It’s more like a peaceful, loving friendship.  Safe possibly and caring, supportive relationship between to people.  I don’t know.  It’s so hard for me to still trust.  He flirts, I think yeah that will be for the next few months then what?  My friends say I’m trying to see to far forward and just need to take it one day at a time and not put that much thought into the future. So, right now I am.  We chat, we also have only talked on the phone twice.  He is however coming to my state for a visit because he has a daughter here so we is wanting to meet up. We will see if I have the nerve to do that. LOL!  We will see.

Brain, I am really glad to see we are kind of on the same journey at the same time.  Funny how timelines are.
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#125: April 08, 2021, 07:19:17 AM
Hello,

From someone that is almost eleven years past bomb drop (April, 2010), I can assure you that the pain does lessen. I have been fortunate to have been in a relationship one year after the divorce. We dated for four years and got married. We are now going on three years of marriage.

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So...I’m trying to stick it out with this new friendship and allow it to possibly grow but the bottom line is I don’t see myself giving myself fully to this person.  He could be the person that opened the door or the window.  I don’t know.   

In the initial stages, you should always be guarded. In fact, I read on a post that if the person is perfect in every way, that is a person you should run from. My advice is to allow the friendship to blossom, you don't have to be in a rush.

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From everyone I’ve talk to they say what we look for in a person is different.  It’s not that first love.  It’s more like best friends, laughter, interest and it’s not that young love feeling.  It’s more like a peaceful, loving friendship.  Safe possibly and caring, supportive relationship between to people.  I don’t know.  It’s so hard for me to still trust.

I would agree with this statement. I love my second wife and we spend every weekend together and we really enjoy each other's company. We are both getting older and at the very beginning we decided on not having any more children. We wanted a relationship that was focused on us first as our children are all young adults and all but one is finished with school. It is not kids don't come first, but we let each other deal with our own kids and more act as mentors toward all the children at this point. It really changes the dynamics of our relationship and it does focus on friendship and mutual support.

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My friends say I’m trying to see to far forward and just need to take it one day at a time and not put that much thought into the future. So, right now I am.

I agree that you should focus less on an outcome and let things roll. Just like dealing with an MLCer, we can detach and not be stuck on a certain outcome. After you survive Bomb drop and realize you can live with or without your spouse and survive, you know that can live through almost anything. So you already know regardless of the outcome of this relationship, in the end, you will be fine.

Of course, this attitude does create a double edged sword. Because you know you can live without the new partner, you are faster to pull the trigger and end the relationship. I think that is one of the contributing reasons why second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriage.

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We chat, we also have only talked on the phone twice.  He is however coming to my state for a visit because he has a daughter here so we is wanting to meet up. We will see if I have the nerve to do that. LOL!  We will see.

For me, when I was online dating, once we made a connection, I tried to meet the person at a coffee shop, lunch or dinner as soon as possible. Emails and chatting online is good to start. However, in my case, I found myself creating an image of this new person in my head. I would then make attributes and create an image that was not fostered in reality. If I waited too long and meet the person in real life, I found myself comparing them to the person I had created in my own head which often led to disappointment. Also, when you meet the person in real life, you will feel a true connection, or there will be nothing and you thank them for their time and move on.

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Maybe my head is still screwed up. too, but my therapist says that we're making great progress.  :D :P :P

Same feeling here. It seems that as soon as I clear up one aspect of my life, something new comes to challenge me. However, I am still making progress as well and still see ways to improve and be a better husband, father, and man.

((((Ready))))



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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#126: April 08, 2021, 07:23:58 AM
Every single thing Ready just said, UL.

I can't even add to it.   :)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#127: April 08, 2021, 06:21:07 PM
WOW Ready!
Thank you so much!  I am so glad that I decided to post this new step possibility.  So much insight.  What I’m taking from all of this is...move forward but move slowly which I am happy to do. I also agree that chatting can lead to recreating an image you have in your head.  That’s a bit scared too.  LOL

I am guarded and an not looking for perfect in anyway.  I feel like I am seeing clearly and  I don’t have great expectations. In fact, I am watching him closely in how he is handling this friendship.  He is also doing the same thing.  He knows because I have been up front that I can’t offer him anything other than friendship at this time and his trying really hard to stay there because I believe he knows if he doesn’t I will run. LOL!  So, there is no hurry on my side. 

My pain has lessened but I still don’t know if I can get it to go away.  I don’t want to bring that into another relationship.  But I know this new friendship has somewhat removed my MLC from my brain and I am glad for that.
Thank you Reach for sharing your life with your second wife.  I needed to read that.  I needed to have some Hope. 

Hey Thunder, thanks for reading!
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#128: July 05, 2021, 03:14:01 PM
Hey everyone!
Happy Belated 4th. 
So, just doing a update to myself. LOL!  And maybe some insight from a few men.  I should have come here earlier.  But first… I have one more payment on my car.  I can’t believe I made it though that and was able to raise my credit score that my husband brought down from crap he did.  But that’s all in the past.  I got past it all.  I have been in need of a new computer and this week I finally felt that I was out of all the mess and financially sound even to order one.  My ex has been paying me each month so I haven’t had to have any contact with him and July marks 5 months of silence from me. So, moving forward with that as well.

Now for the friend from the past.  We are kind of still talking but not as much.  The 5 months of him being flirty, telling me how amazing I am, how I look the same, how I need to move to my home town, etc etc has slowed down.  He doesn’t contact me as often as he once did but even then often was once a week.  So for a guy that was so into me even at the peak of communication she didn’t seek me out that much and usually late at night.  With all the sweet talk it was weird because I felt like that’s all that was.  I felt like he didn’t really put a lot of time into figuring out anything.  And for me all those words didn’t mean anything.  I didn’t buy into them and was waiting for them to slow down to see what he was really like once that was over and well…after that quit, I don’t hear from him as much.  It’s a bit sad because I feel like I don’t or won’t trues anyone.  He just had a bunch of words in my eyes he didn’t mean and so I feel all men are going to be like that.  I just wish he wouldn’t have said anything but I’m glad I blew them all off.   It was fun talking to someone though and I do miss that.  I don’t feel like we were a match but I still liked talking to him as a friend.  I think we all need that opposite sex to talk to.

I’m doing well!  My small business is doing well, I feel fine but the meds are putting weight on me.  Good Grief the weight. LOL!  Ok, I’m rambling!  Thanks for allowing me to.
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#129: July 06, 2021, 02:56:12 AM
Hi UL,

Sounds like you are getting on well with your life....

As far as the ghost from Christmas Past, from a guy perspective, it sounds as if he was a bit .... "overenthusiastic" at the beginning and maybe a bit overeager? Once reality hit and he realized that you were not just going to drop everything and fall into his arms, he cooled his jets... or maybe his W caught him? Who knows.... People can talk a lot of smack on a PC to someone far away ....

Bottom line is you put a check mark by that name and can go on. If there is one thing I have learned is that, no matter what the age, one STILL has to kiss a few frogs in the dating pool before one turns into the Prince/Princess....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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