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Author Topic: My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!

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My Story Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#110: January 08, 2021, 09:48:07 AM
Here's a thought. What if he WERE able to clean up his own mess like an adult. Is that something you could marry? If you were used to cleaning up his messes, and no longer had to, would that be a possibility?

Not that I necessarily think he can, but what if he really figured it all out in a year or so?
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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#111: January 08, 2021, 09:56:14 AM
"Just because someone is unhappy with where they are in life, doesn't mean they want what they had!"

I think this is such an important statement, UL!!

LBS's tend to think, at least in the early years that as soon as their MLCer comes out of their crisis, they will want to come back.  That is not what always happens.  Sometimes the crisis has changed the person and they no longer have the desire to go back to what was. 

For one thing it is very hard to go back and repair all the damage they have done, it sometimes is just easier to move on and start over.

That's why we need to live our lives and not waste years waiting for them to come back, and if by some miracle they do have the courage to try to repair things, they will let you know.
Then it is your choice if you want to try again.

I hope he continues to honor his obligation to you, UL.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#112: January 08, 2021, 11:06:14 AM
Absolutely agree with you, UL. Such good insights. We all wake up to it on our own timelines, too, and it's incredibly freeing. So glad the anniversary went well for you. Those are big milestones of healing!
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#113: January 08, 2021, 12:57:26 PM

Just because someone is unhappy with where they are in life, doesn't mean they want what they had! I think MLCer get caught in this such for happiness that they lose site of what they really have done and by the time they are through they are totally convinced that what they did was deserved.  Then at the end of the MLC they are still unhappy trying to find happiness and don't look back because there is so much pain there that it never gets sorted out.


So important to say.  I read something similar to this about a week after BD and my brain rejected it so heavily, I had forgotten about it until now.  I simply did not want to hear it at that early stage. 

I agree with you, it is freeing.  Glad the anniversary was okay for you, and I agree with Ready, it's indicative of the huge amount of healing you've done.
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“The desire to be loved is the last illusion. Give it up and you will be free.” ~Margaret Atwood

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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#114: January 08, 2021, 09:31:59 PM
Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.  I am moving forward, slowly, slowly, slowly LOL. But, I do sort things out and tidbits like I posted is clarification for me.  I need to see what I think so reading it also helps me.
Thunder, I should see something next week.  If I don’t then I will have to contact him.  I am giving him the benefit of the doubt hoping he does this without my intervention.  When he was paying alimony the first time he did it without my contacting him.  But, he might have been scared of the courts back then.  I don’t know.  I’m praying he does this on his own.

OffRoad
That’s a totally different picture.  I still love my MLCer, I always will but he doesn’t show any signs of putting me back into his life.  I mean, he moved back into the state he left me in, he’s about 45 minutes from me. Living in a basement where he took a job and has no TV, all alone and he doesn’t try to reach out at all.  I would say he close to being done with MLC.  I think he’s just a bit pass the depression waiting to jump into acceptance at some point.  He is pretty consistant in not texting me, calling me or reaching out in any way.

If he does get his life together he would have an open door to a new exciting love.  One who wouldn’t know much about what he did.  I would love for him to contact me so we could talk, or I could help, etc I have always been kind to him.  He 100% know I love him still.  He doesn’t care.  So, I just continue to move forward and let go. I believe God could step in but I’m not even sure that he would at this point. I do believe in miracles.  But, if he ever did come back it would be lots of counseling, lot of rehashing to close the past door.  I have so many questions that I would need to work through to move ahead in a relationship with him.  But, again I don’t see that in the future. I will say this. He’s on the MLC seven year mark.  He has followed that to a tee so 2021 should be the year he Awakens and should be in acceptance.  I guess that’s when we’ll see if anything at all changes.

Thanks everyone!

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Re: Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#115: January 09, 2021, 04:25:23 AM
UL, just popping in to say I'm following and your words really resonate with me. Your last paragraph is pretty much the place I'm at, too.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#116: January 09, 2021, 03:05:30 PM
Hi Milly, We seem to be on the same track here.  We should pace together! LOL!
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God is with her, she will not fall
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#117: January 16, 2021, 08:47:03 PM
Well...I now know what he’s indifferent.  I just found out he and affair are still together even though he moved back to the state I’m in and she is still in her home state.  So, he is still in the affair and from everything we all talked about he’s probably not going to move much farther ahead with his MLC till the affair is over.  I don’t think it’s going to be over though.  I think they will both rely on each other.  She didn’t come down with him because she’s working as a nurse at a Kidney clinic.  She is waiting on a settlement from an auto accident and her mom is in a nursing home there.  He went there for Christmas for 2 weeks.  All that information came from his cousin.
I wanted to see if he went to his home country because he cut me short money wise saying he didn’t work for 2 weeks in Dec because clinic was closed.  But he did find his way to see his affair gal.
Anyhow, just wanted to update everyone.  They have now been together for 7 years.  Everyone thought because he moved they weren’t together anymore.  Now, I know that’s not true and it does answer some questions I had in my head. 
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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#118: January 18, 2021, 02:59:02 AM
UL,

I wish I could say that this is "shocking" news but ... well..... it sounds more like script to me....

He doesn't really seem very invested in actually DOING anything, one way or another... He "sees" the OW when he can/wants to so he has no responsibilities to her in reality (just wait until she gets her settlement and, although it is crass, her mom is no longer an issue) and he doesn't have any responsibilities toward you except to pay what he owes, which he doesn't reliably do either....

Sorry that you had to find out about it from the cousin but, as you noted, you had the feeling that something was rotten in Denmark...
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« Last Edit: January 20, 2021, 01:49:01 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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Where Do we fit? All Things New!
#119: January 19, 2021, 05:28:06 PM
Hahahah,  great way to slide that little line in.  LOVE it URSAMajor. I think everyone around me thought if he was back in Georgia it was over.  Mind you he has been here over a year now and never even hinted to her being in his life.  However, again we don’t talk about that. 

Yeah, I was trying to find out if he went somewhere and spent money rather than sending more to me.  It just took a different turn for sure.  I know he feels like he doesn’t have any responsibilities towards me but then again.  There might be some guilt there because most men wouldn’t pay anything after getting away with not paying for 5 years.  But....I certainly am not going to be first in his line up for money.  It will be interesting to see if she really doesn’t end up in my state or not.  This could be their final bridge to falling apart if this takes a few years to happen. I am glad I have this information though. 
Thanks for responding URSAMajor!
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