[ForeverHopefulOne]

Thought we could all use a success story.  This story was posted on a public website recently; it's kind of cute how they reconnected:

"It has been a little over 2 years and all of a sudden there is a man living in my house that I used to know...it all began when i took MOST of the advice from here....i did what I needed to do for myself and my children. I stopped following him around,checking his phone and asking what when why and with who....I built a life without including him at all. it had become a way of life anyway and was not that difficult. The only part I left out this time was the anger,pain,insecurities, (you know that feeling that if you continue on it will get worse or maybe he will never come back) SO WHAT was my thinking It is what it is. he actually GPS'd my phone came to the lounge i was at and pretended to NOT know me. I played along and he began sharing his feelings (I know I almost fell out of my chair as well LOL)he talked about being insecure (Flirting w other woman made him feel special)He talked about having his heart attack (how he wanted to make every moment count)he told me about his wife(how serious and responsible she was and that it was his fault she was like that because he never took his responsibilities seriously)he spoke about his step children(how he never felt like part of the family(That they always had a special attachment to their mom he could not duplicate) it was a real eye opener for both of us. he also asked about my husband and i felt comfortable telling him all about the man i fell in love with and that he had dis sapeared to some random place i could not reach. The past month has been good we are slowly getting our finances back on track,i am not holding back my thoughts or feelings anymore. I am however expressing them in a more normal tone and trying really hard not to use the YOU statement. We have talked about what we expect from the other and what is not acceptable in a marriage. there have been a few evenings where i saw that old Husband emerging and I just let it go. he left for a few hours but returned telling me he just didn't feel like hanging out with those guys anymore.He wanted to tell me where he had been and what he had been doing but I felt that I really didn't want the details and all I asked was had he been unfaithful his answer was NO and that was all I really wanted to know. we are now holding hands. he is treating me with respect,listening and talking. i realize from most of the posts that this is a very unusual time frame but since I searched and searched when I first came to find someone anyone that had their husband return sooner than they said he would I had to post. So ladies keep the faith, Love yourselves, and don't let HIM drag you to that dark place, you can feel the loss,the pain and the anger but be true to yourselves and know you are worthy. "
 
 
 

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Yet another success story from a woman who was divorced from her MLCer; this one is for all you Standers who are divorced:

"I was never so shocked, and left this site thinking that I would not be back because I would have nothing left to contribute since my EX and OW finally married.  You can go back and read my other posts if you want to catch up on me, but I will just give you the short version here.  We have been divorced for a little over four years, but the crisis has been going on for five.  He has been the typical by the book MLC case.  He was Monster, Monster, Monster to me, and I was the kindest I had ever been to him.  He has been with the same woman the whole time, and when he retired in December, she pressured him to marry her.  Our son had just married in October, and I thought for a short time period we might reconcile, but then in November he announced to the kids he was getting married and didn't even bother to tell me.  I was devasted for the last time.  Once they married, I felt really free, but very angry with him for the first time.  Luckily, I changed jobs during this time period, and I was able to redirect that anger into something positive.  It seemed like my life was really turning around, and I was finally letting him go when the unthinkable happened to me.  My EX woke up from his MLC, booted out the OW, and they have signed the annullment papers.  He met with his kids and then me, and he wants to put our life back together, he knows its not right for her to have something that we have worked all of our lives for, and he wants us to make it work.  Without going into all of the details and conversations, we have been talking quite a bit, and if I had not been here on this site, I would have handled this all wrong.  But I am remembering the things that I read here about not badgering, and just letting the healing take place.  We are not going to do anything but talk until the annullment is final in June, but at least it is a start.  We know we have a long road ahead of us, but I think we will make it.  He is very genuine and sincere, and I will guard my heart for a long time, but it is just nice to talk again.  I told him he needs to be by himself for awhile, as I don't want to be his rebound, and it would be at least two years before there would be any committment, that we would take it very slow to get to know each other again, but hopefully do it right this time.  I reach retirement age in two years, and then I will decide what will be best for me."

[Dontgiveup]

If you want more encouragement, here you go.....

I talked with my CPA last week.  He said he has had about five clients go through what he thinks was MLC.  His stepbrother's wife also went through MLC, which of course hit very close to home.  I am pretty sure he said his stepbrother and his wife divorced, then started dating each other again about two years later.  Two years after they started dating each other again, they remarried each other.

Of his clients that he knows about, 4 of the 5 worked it out.  The one couple he knows about that isn't back together have tried to get back together, but unsuccessfully thus far.

He said he has seen a pretty high success rate in couples returning to one another, but said it seems to take 2 to 4 years from what he's seen.

[Dontgiveup]

The common denominator in every success story I have heard directly about has been TIME.  With time and patience, the chance of success seems pretty high.  It's not 100%, but pretty high nonetheless.

[truth_seeker]

My apologies if you're not supposed to do this but I felt it could give someone comfort to read an actual accounting of one mans MLC experience.  I know for me it helps to hear from people who have gone through MLC as well as the LBS. Though it seems difficult to find stories of men who have gone through MLC w/OW involved and shown success in returning back to LBS, I stumbled across this story. 

Please know my intention is only to give comfort to those who might need to see a bright side while keeping in mind there are no guarantees for success in our own marriages.  Mine included.  I can only work on me but I can try to understand what my H may be going through internally. It is his struggle and not mine but I can love him from a place of detachment. As I work on this every day.  I have left him in God's hands to care for him and to also see our family through this difficult time.

If anyone knows of any other MLC stories written from the person who has gone through MLC, I ask that you please share this information. I believe it's helpful for the LBS to understand what the MLC person may be going through so as not to take it personal.  I know for me knowledge is power. 

((((HUGS))))  God Bless


Link removed - website closed  - OldPilot

[hampc0cv]

Truth seeker,

What a story.  The only difference from him and my H is that my H is with the ow from about the 3 week he left.  My husband has issues from his past about his dad and also some about his mom.  His dad was never around and when he was he was drunk usually.  My H did not have a relationshipwith his dad.

I can see so much of my H in this story.  He is definitely in a Fog and I see him eventually coming out and seeing what Newman seen.  I just hope and pray it is soon and not too late.  I love my H and will do anything I can to help him but he has got to make the first move.

Thank you so much for directing us to this story.  Hugs to you

[OldPilot]

So has anyone tried emailing the newman link to their H and if so, what kind of response did you get?

I would not advise this.
It would be a waste of time and backfire.

They will not admit that they are in MLC.
So it will have exactly the OPPOSITE effect that you will be hoping for.

I KNOW that it will not work!

[Still]

I have always found this to be interesting. I read the book and it gives a great deal of insight.

http://www.menweb.org/crossoul.htm

[truth_seeker]

Forthetrees -
I agree with OP on this one!  I would absolutely NOT forward this or any MLC information to your H.  I made this mistake and find he's only more calculating with me though I didn't forward him this link I did provide him a book on IMS.  Your H doesn't know nor admit to being in a MLC.

H
I'm glad it gave you some comfort as it did for me as well. 

Still
Thank you for the link I'll be sure to read it. 

(((Hugs)))

[truth_seeker]

hampc0cv
I wanted to also let you know my H has many issues with his F you mentioned but also his M.  Feel free to read my story as I mention this early in my story of how his F had abandoned him and his M was always interested in herself which didn't leave much left for H. 

May I suggest a book you might find interesting if you haven't already read it is:  Irritable Male Syndrome by Jeb Diamond

Very informative and discusses the effects of childhood traumas on our adult lives among other things.

[forthetrees]

Okay, so I´m with you on not sharing MLC resources. My question is then at what point do they realize/admit they are in one and become able to express it? At some point are they willing/interested in reading about WTH just happened to them or do they really think that they are so unique that no one could possiblity relate?

I am having a hard time growing my patience muscle. I know that it will pay off in all aspects of my life- just yesterday I made toffee and had to stir ever so slowly and wait out the rise in temperature or else it would be ruined. I was patient and got great results. I am one song alway from having an album´s worth of songs about this horrendous experience. Then the challenge will be to record them all with someone with a better voice doing the vocals. This should occupy a lot of my time. I guess I´m just tired of the emotional pain.

Time to get movin´,
FTT

[truth_seeker]

FTT
I can't say for sure how long b4 they realize.  My H is so far in the fog that I can't say if he'll ever get out at this point but I am one of the newbies. Everyone is different and depending on where they are in their stage they will come to you not the other way around.  But again this answer is better addressed by OP, RCR, HB as well as reading the articles in the forum. 

Like you I have some songs which could probably become platinum only I need someone to sing them for me.

[OldPilot]

My question is then at what point do they realize/admit they are in one and become able to express it? At some point are they willing/interested in reading about WTH just happened to them or do they really think that they are so unique that no one could possiblity relate?

Yea when the crisis is OVER!

Maybe when they break withdrawal but I would guess after it is totally over.

[Shantilly Lace]

Ok I think we need it.

And I will ask RCR nicely to peg it to the top so we can see.

So we have the success stories

stayed
Hearts Blessing
RCR herself.

So what I am thinking for this thread is that when we hear things from others we can add it here.

For example
at work 3 stories have came up for me now.

Man left his wife for another woman, devastating her. After 2 years he admitted to making a HUGE mistake and came back have been together now for many years.

man left his wife slept around with anything and everything, did drugs, drank etc etc.  She tried to keep it together but about a year after she gave up he wanted to come back, Not sure how long they been apart but she has remarried although terms her ex the love of her life.  He is still chasing after her and I gather it has been quite a few years now.

afriend of her mother had the same thing happen to her and after 13 years they got back together and have been together since about 20 years.

I read them patched over the board but maybe we can also put them here and see?

[xyzcf]

Here are four stories that I can think of..although I have been told more by various people. Ill try to remember any details of the others that I hear.

1) A very close friend of mine shared with me only once and has not talked about it again that 20 years ago her husband left for a year. Their son was a teenager. I know her husband very well, he is an amazing man who has been somewhat of a spiritual guru to me....they have a wonderful marriage, a wonderful life and I would never have dreamed that he would have done that.

I'm not sure why she won't talk more about it but I did appreciate her sharing.

2) When I was looking for a property in Canada, on the second day, the agent said to me " I don't want to give you false hope but my husband had an affair and left me for 2 years. I believe they actually divorced (sorry my mind wad foggy at that point). They lived in different countries and had a 3 year old son at the time. He came back out of the blue and she knew that they could be together again...he died 10 years after but they had a great marriage for those 10 years.

3) A women who I golf with, her best friend's husband (they had 4 children) left to live with his very young secretary...I think he was a clinging boomeranger...he came home for good after 3 years and they are together and happy.

4) My dental hygienist told me that this happened to her aunt and they are now together again.

If you go on Rejoice Ministries, every day there are stories of reconciliations including the originator of the site, Charleyne and Bob Steincamp

[Trustandlove]

I'll add this here:

The woman I refer to as "my friend of the 5 years" is a good case in point.  Her H left, then after a while moved in with OW for something like 2 years, then still didn't come back for something like another 2 years.  But come back he did, it took another 3 years to resolve outstanding issues, and they have been long back together, stronger than ever, and they now both help others in this situation, mostly through their church. 

She has been wonderful to me; I passed on this website to her so that she can give it to others who come to her.  She was a Stander with a capital S, did it through a huge faith.  She pretty much did what is advised here.....  her children were all very young when it started, the eldest was 11 or 12 when he returned. 

Faith is a must. 

[Mermaid]

I can only add a very vague story; a friend of mine, while her H was a pastor, counselled a number of people going what she saw as MLC. Many eventually went back home, some did not. She thought that the LBS attitude was important.

[wondering]

My friend's neighbors..He had a affair, they got divorced and two years later they were back together and now are re-married.

[xyzcf]

Another friend of mine last year..her husband had been in monster for over a year, wouldn't come near her, made every effort to be away frequently, had an EA....prior to this, he had always been very loving and attentive and they had a happy marriage.

She threw him out..he got his own apartment and she went away on vacation...within two weeks, he wanted back. the first month was good but then they started having trouble...however, they are still together and working on things. He continues to say that he is committed to their marriage but she says it is hard.

Of course there are two other published stories...Laura Munson's "This in Not the Story You Think it is" and Linda Rook's Broken Heart on Hold.

[unbroken]

Love this thread.  Was thinking of starting something similar myself.  Please provide as many details as possible.

1) My IN-LAWS!  I didn't know this until after H left.  He doesn't remember it clearly, but his Mom reminded him that when he was young - maybe 6 or 8 - his Dad left.  My H remembers it as only 6 months or so - I don't know how long it really was.  Anyway, they actually got divorced.  He then came back for good.  They celebrated over 50 years together.  She told me that her L asked her if she was sure when she was signing the D papers and her answer was that it didn't matter - if he loved her he'd be back and if he didn't, they would end up divorced anyway.  I keep trying to hold onto that.  It is the reality.  Still it's hard.

2) Yes, ece711!!  At perhaps my lowest point, just after I filed, I went to a college reunion and spoke to a friend.  She and another guy in our dorm had dated through college and gotten married and had two kids, then things went downhill and she left.  They got divorced.  She said she had every intention in the world of just moving on. She dated other people and was actually living with someone else when a friend of hers made a comment one day about another couple, saying wouldn't it be nice to have someone that loved you that much and she realized she had that in her ex and that that was what she truly wanted, that she felt she and her ex were meant to be together.  She went back and they remarried and had another kid and are happy now.  It's only been a few years, but it seems solid.  That story really helped me hang on.

3) I do have a third story of a guy at work whose wife left for about 3 years and then came back and they are together and seemingly doing well, very thankful that they were both still hanging on.

[Still]

My grandmother was a WS many years ago. She left my grandfather and her three boys to move in with another man. She went through all kinds of personality changes and craziness.

A year or so later, she hit "rock bottom" and asked my grandfather if she could come home. He welcomed her back and they lived happily until he died about 15 years later.

************
Of course there is also the Newman/Phoenix story from "House on the Rocks" website.

[xyzcf]

I remembered another one on my walk with Kaci...my childhood friend, I was their maid of honour...twenty some years in (2 kids) her husband left her to live with OW (a co worker). Both friend and Husband are strong in their Christian beliefs. Several months later, he returned (that's about 7-8 years ago.)

She said it has been bittersweet but now things are really good between them.

As she was growing up, her family were really devout in their worship...she spoke to her dad and he reminded her of the wedding vows that she had made..she stood by them.

[Ibelieve]

When I started telling my neighbor/friend what was going on with me and H, she told me a story I never knew about her and her H...
7 years ago she moved out with her two kids because she could not handle her H any longer. He was mad all the time, didn't know what he wanted out of life, was depressed, always yelling at them (and he was not a yeller in general) etc. etc. You know the MLC thing. They were apart for two years when he literally woke up one morning and thought " What the heck am I doing?, when I should be home with my wonderful, loving family? Why did I treat them like that?"  He called her, told her that, and she moved back in right away. They both knew there was work to be done.  I have  talked to him also (we are all friends) about it. It has really helped me believe that MLC is real. Thier story  alone is almost enough to  help me "Stand".    He did not have OW, though he did try and date, going to clubs, and out with his single friends. They are still together and doing really well. The entire family has taken me in and  look out for me since I am here alone. I don't have kids.

[Bewildered]

My few stories..
M left his wife for OW and then moved in with her in Jan 1999, told wife (BD) Xmas eve 1998.
I met him in 2003 he was still with OW, but had tried a reconciliation in 2002 got wife pregnant but still went back to OW.But by the end of 2003 he was on his way home, wife was a stander, in fact an angle because he denied to Everyone he was married and had a child,
they reconciled Jan 2004 have three more children and are fine

My friends Dad left his wife for 3 years asked to come back ... she didn't want him back they are now friends  she has someone else he is very lonely man!

that is all i have but think there are more - people don't like talking about it though hints but that's all ......... knowing comments etc
love B

[covenantkeeper]

The thought crossed my mind that perhaps all these people kept their stories quiet because they not only didn't have any support, but there was nothing out there to give them help.

Most doctors, therapists and counselors don't really believe in MLC. They just see it as Depression....which, of course it is. However, they're missing out on the bigger picture of MLC behavior and most of the time wind up blaming the spouse!
 
No church that I am aware of has any programs to deal with anyone with MLC or the LBS. I get those pitiful looks from people who say they are praying for me. But, let's face it, they don't have a clue what I'm going through. Even the larger churches who have programs for those who have been divorced, do not talk about MLC. They mainly just chalk it all up to deplorable behavior or someone who has lost their faith. And it's MLC to the MAX the entire time!

I think this points to the fact that MLC is just now starting to get some attention and I believe we are the people who will be used to get the word out!   I realize we are all....except for the handful of restored marriages here.....still Standing. But, I believe we will have restored marriages out of our little group, and we will be the ones who need to start support groups, new ministries, etc.  and get the word out that MLC is real.

[Bewildered]

I'm of the view that the LBS finds MLC exhausting during replay but has the capacity to logically think about the MLC behaviour having an impact not only on family but society as a whole; church, work/employment; etc and can discuss and emphasise etc BUT when reconciliation happensthe LBS is shattered by the process and then when it starts to smooth out anticipation relief and still a tiny bit of apprehension remains until the time when a few months go by and the LBS feels no pressure ..... so until this pointthe LBS is  very busy and very emotionally exhausted  then 'poof' things get better and its time for the LBS to get their lives back so ... then to ask them to recall and push energies into supporting MLC and talking about the pain they have gone through when they may want to push it away ....................WELL I think it may be a step to far for many LBS !! RCR & HB + Stayed are exceptions/exceptional  to the rules and have empathy for us all - they have the ability to see MLC as a horrible and hurtful situation and want to help others ...... many more would not know how even if they wanted too do this - so that is why IMO getting support after the crisis is over is harder and a LBS is less likely to want toremember the pain and hurt or just maynot be able to as they have moved on and left it behind??   
B

[Standing in Patience]

A friend of mine admitted to having his own MLC. He had a difficult relationship and they broke up and he moved to an area that he heard from friends was a great place to live. Basically, he packed up his car and found an apartment and looked for a new job. He said after six months, he woke up one morning with still no job in hand and said "what am I doing here?" and then moved back to his original town and got his old job back. Didn't return to his past relationship.

Another friend, turned 50 and started to bicycle 50 miles a day when previously he never even exercised. No relationship issues I supposed but it possibly points to MLC. His mother also recently died.

Another associate, decided to start his own ill-fated business in another part of the country after never having an inclination to work for himself. He was about 55. He worked at it for over two years, but it never made any money and they (husband and wife) closed their business and moved back to his original city.

Just goes to show you that there are all kinds of "different" experiences with MLC craziness.

[Still]

Still, what is
the Newman/Phoenix story from "House on the Rocks" website.

http://www.meninmidlifecrisis.com/

http://www.newmanhart.com/

Newman went through a crisis and left his wife "Phoenix". He later returned very sorry for his actions. Not sure of their status right now.

[leftylulu]

I have a gal at bowling she and her husband divorced for 3 years and are now remarried. I never asked if it was MLC.

I can probably guess there are a few people I know who are going through a MLC but are single men. My kids dad may be having a mild one as he now has a band. He went from doing auto body to doing the lights in a band. He also thinks he's God. That made me chuckle when he told me that.

My ex H I remember saying to our marriage counselor that I didn't lose him to another woman but to himself. I chose not to go back not because of that but because I married him for the wrong reasons. He has slept wtih several women including relatives of girlfriends he just left. He's been engaged twice and this is all in 5 years. But he still wants me to come home. He's currently engaged. He dyed his hair thinking he is Guy Fereri. All I think of is grow up.

I have a customer who bought a Harley made it so loud that it sets of car alarms. He thinks it's cool now he just put ape hanger handle bars on. He's dated several women and has fallen in love with them within weeks. He's pn my facebook and all I see is drama.

My roommates wife left him for another man. In the previous 5 years before they both experienced the loss of all 4 parents that all died from long-term illnesses and a dog. They also lost a baby about 16 years ago. The exW never talked about all these events. Their counselor said she is a conflict avoider and has some major childhood issues. He doesn't want to reconcile.

I know these aren't reconciled relationships but I watch closely in a detached way at their behaviors to see what is possibly going on in my MLCer. I do know this is the hardest road I've ever been on but the most worthwhile once I got over the pain.

I have the most amazing life, a life I probably would have never had if I didn't travel this journey.

[Mamma Bear]

 A couple of weeks ago I told of my sister and her MLCer H. If it wasn't for her kind words to me a few days post BD I don't know how I could have made it. I was so freaked out at BD understandably..then I told her he ran away and that he was saying crazy things like "Give it a couple of weeks. We can be friends."
  I asked her if I was going crazy..I was crying so hard..she just put her arms around me and said "NO, you just love your husband. That's all."
  Not long after that she told me of their secret. H had left her had OW but denied for 12 months then she found out. He stayed with OW for 6 more months and then the " Turmoil inside my head" woke him up and he told OW he made a huge mistake and needed to go home.
 They went to MC and he now kisses the ground she walks on. He said to me "When I was in that tunel I was so crazed. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't care. Finally I just got to missing your sister and her grace and dignity." He told me that he would look at the OW after a while and think"MY W is so much better than this. Why am I here.'
  I like to think of that Talking Heads song " This is not my beautiful house..this is not my beautiful wife.."

[OldPilot]

Just found this posted by FHO earlier last year.
I don't think this is on this thread yet, if it is correct me and I will change this post.
But another success story.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

[Dontgiveup]

I always think of my friend when I hear the word soulmate.  He uses it sarcastically, since when his ex-wife divorced him, she told him that she was going to be with her soulmate.  As many on this forum know, she married soulmate......and a year and a half later has divorced soulmate.

[BraveNewWorld]

Before I joined this forum, I hung out on another one for a while. A woman posted on that forum almost in desperation. She had left her husband three years before this, got divorced from him and then married another recently divorced man. She had walked away from her own children, who thereafter no longer wanted her in their lives. She had new grandchildren that she had never held. In a private message, this is what she wrote to me:

I read back over your post and wanted to talk with you a little further. I can certainly feel your pain and I am terribly sorry for what you are going through. Has your wife gone to therapy? I can not stress this enough to you about how important this is. I have been where she is at and I am telling you that she does not know who she is anymore, A MLC is a terrible thing to go through and she needs help because trust me when she does come out of it she will not know where she is. Like I said it my first post I am stuck between two worlds right now. Please talk to her and get her into counseling. I wish that my husband had seen that the person that I had become was NOT ME and I needed help.

Please take care of yourself.

L

This woman didn't want to destroy her new family - she had become stepmother to two children. Her ex-husband had 'moved on' - but was not hostile towards her. More than anything she wanted to reconnect with her son. Sad and difficult story.

Some days I am skeptical ... and as time progresses I wonder what was real in my relationship. I understand that I have a very long way to go before I have confidence in myself again. But the messages this woman exchanged with me were the closest I've come to accepting that MLC is real and is beyond the control of the person going through it.

BNW

[Butterfly]

I have a friend I went to high school with, who had MLC. She divorced her h, remarried a younger guy, then divorced him too. She describes herself as foggy and unhappy during that time. Her h was the caregiver to her kids. He started dating too.
When she woke up, ( after two years) she went back and they tried to reconcile.
She moved back to where her h lived with the kids, but then her h changed his mind and went back to the girl he started dating while she was gone. He married her and my friend has never gotten over it. She says she threw away twenty years for a nobody and now she is the one with nothing.
She remains single and struggles to reconcile with her kids as well.

So the LBS does have the last say sometimes.

[Dontgiveup]

Butterfly

I very much agree.  I have not talked directly to someone who is through their MLC experience like you now have, but following my friend's situation has been hugely beneficial.  To read and hear about the correspondence she sends to him.....the sorrow and regret.....is both encouraging and helpful in my own stand.

She has not specifically addressed returning yet, but if I had to guess I think she ultimately will want to.  Her divorce from other man is recent, so she needs some time still.  My friend also wants time to start feeling comfortable with her and rebuilding trust.

[Glimmer]

This is a story I posted on my thread a few months ago. Not a return story but a MLCer with deep regret.

My H was talking to a man and the subject turned to MLC and how this man had suffered a few years ago. He left his wife for his OW and moved in with her. This R lasted a few years. In all this time he couldn't stay away from his wife (who by this time had divorced him).  He told my H that something kept 'drawing' him back to her. In the end his R with OW ended because he could not stop thinking about his ex-wife.  But she had met someone else and re-married, and was no longer interested. 5 Years later this man admitted to my H that he had ruined his life and regretted what he had done. To this day he still finds excuses to visit his ex-wife and now lives alone in a small apartment. He has lost everything, his wife, money, his home.  My H told this man that he feels the same and can't stay away from me and our family.  The man told him to 'get back and sort things before it is too late like it is for him'.   That was a few months ago, and there has been no change yet.

[justasking]

I know a woman who went through MLC, left her H and moved in with OM.

It didn't last but she felt she had done so much damage that she couldn't go home even though he H asked her to. She also feels huge guilt for what she did particularly to her children.

Ironically her H never dated for probably 4 years and has just met someone and moved in with her. The MLCer is gutted and is now going through the same emotional trauma that we went through at BD. She never stopped loving her H. At the moment she is off work and emotionally all over the place. She said she will live with the guilt for the rest of her life.

When my H left she asked if I would have him home. I told her yes. She said that's good, don't shut the door on him, the grass is never greener but we don't realise until it is sometimes to late.

xx

[xyzcf]

I remembered another one...our daughter's friend's parents..separated about 9 months but it came about due to his alcoholism..he received treatment, attends AA and they are back together..there daughter says they are like teenagers in love again.

[Dontgiveup]

I think I posted this in my thread at one point, but would seem to fit here.  Not long after the divorce was final, I talked to my CPA to let him know what happened and to get his advice on anything I needed to do financially.  He asked me what happened.....and I debated with myself how much to tell him.....but I decided to let him know about the MLC.

He said, well, if it helps, I can tell you that I've had four or five clients go through that, and my brother's wife did as well.  He went on to say that, with the exception of one couple, they are all back together.  He said the one couple that is not back together has tried a couple of different times, but so far have not been able to pull it back together.  I asked him what kind of time frames he saw before the other couples got back together.  He said, generally speaking, he saw things take about four years on average.

[Still]

Not sure if anyone remembers, but the first lawyer I met with had gone through an MLC.

She walked away from her H and two kids. Moved in with a much younger man and started the process of buying a house. When I was telling her about my H and some of the things he had said, she said, "Yep, I know exactly how he feels. I just wanted out and didn't care how that happened. I felt nothing."

She stated that one day she realized that what was really important to her was back home. She cancelled the paperwork on the new home and ended the relationship with the OM. She said that she wasn't sure if her H would take her back, but he did and they both decided to bring God back in their lives. She told me that a lot had damage had been done, but she believed that their marriage was going to make it.

[good4me]

Has anyone heard of a Vanisher returning ? Just  a bit curious..hard to know if they are progressing at all if there isn't any contact . How are they supposed to know of the changes the stander is making ?

[Shantilly Lace]

umm i was a vanisher and I returned.

i had very little contact with dearheart and NONE about me.  There were court proceedings occuring.

He had no clue.  I turned up one day and said I would like to reconcile, he looked stunned to say the least and distrusting, i don't blame him.

It does happen

[StandandDeliver]

Through a friend I heard 2 stories. First about a man who left his wife and three children to move in with younger OW. Stayed with her about a year, then dumped her, went back to wife and they had a fourth child together and are still together.
Second about another lady (don't think there were children). Think she and her husband were about 40 when he left for another woman. Gone for 2 years and dated OW and then when that ended became a veritable man ow ;-). End of two years returned to wife saying, "I've dated a lot of women and decided that you were probably the best all along"...   . Wife said, "thanks for the compliment, my (much younger) boyfriend certainly thinks I am". So, LBS in happy new relationship with young verile man. Her H miserable and full of regret.

Hear all these stories and I do believe my H may regret his actions or even wish to return one day. But it is me that wonders if he has done too much damage and I remain unconvinced that I would want him...

[BonBon]

In retrospect, I think I've known 3 people who've had MLC's, all in my extended family.  The first was my aunt.  One day my uncle came home to find a note on the kitchen message center saying she had left and he could reach her at...

She said he did not appreciate her.  They reconciled within a few months I believe though I suspect it took much longer for them to work it out.  I can't be sure it was an MLC but her age was right, the last child had left the house and her move was abrupt and not something my Uncle saw coming.  Fast forward, they were married for another 30 +/- years after that until he passed away.

I believe my cousin's husband had an MLC because he gave her the "I never loved you and I never wanted this" line.  He moved out, they divorced and though it seemed awful at the time, she thrived after that and is no doubt better off.  At that time, he had hooked up with a young woman and paraded nude in front of his kids.  He was in his early 40's.  MLC I'm sure.

My other cousin's husband just left her and moved to a foreign country though says they are still married....that outcome remains to be seen though he does keep in touch.

[Buggy31]

I got this message very strongly one day when in the basement doing laundry.  I was getting wrapped up in thoughts about him and how he could just cut me off yadayadayada and How the F could he just stop thinking of me and a very clear voice which I now know as my intuition said HE IS...HE THINKS ABOUT YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW...HE'S THINKING ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW AND THAT'S WHY YOU ARE THINKING OF HIM.  Well that was the end of it for me.  I didn't get wrapped up in what he was thinking anymore that's all I needed and it was a VERY CLEAR message and it wasn't thinking...I KNOW it was the truth.

Mine also expressed that he didn't want to be in the R but he was fearful if I was with someone else how HE would feel.  I told him TOUGH sh**.  He didn't like that...I was laughing..he was not.  Anyway they are all so similiar and for the longest time as a newbie I would try to imagine what he's thinking.  Eventually you learn not to even bother..that's how whackadoodly they are.  It's not worth it...it's not worth going to the place where they spin.  They are really OUT OF IT...NO MATTER WHAT FACE they show the world they are wearing a MASK and it is the MASK that got them to the MLC in the first place. 

[LettingGo]

Marie Osmond just remarried her first husband, Stephen Craig..... they were married 30 years ago... lasted 3 years, one son together who is 28. She's 51 and he's 54. She wore the dress she got married in the first time.... go to People.com for the short story.

[StandandDeliver]

LG - that would never happen to me - I gave my dress away to charity 3 weeks ago!!!

[Mamma Bear]

 I love the "crumbs" they leave. I still find a lot of comfort bc H told my Ds 9 and 11 "Did Mommy notice I started parking my car where she can see it when she drives to work?'
  (after parking it down an old alleyway for 7 weeks and not calling us)
  H talks to me about junk mail and the neighbor's cat went on our property. (the horror)only nothing REAL>  good for now.
  H tells the Ds weird stuff and they tell me. Argggh!
  Just like high school. MLCer teenage brain. Why doesn't he pass a note at lunch or hit me with a spit ball.
 Also just remembered how right post BD he stood in our kitchen looking sad and said "OW not a dumb blonde Bimbo. She's our age and she's really smart."
    Am I supposed to feel better about that?  She's still a Bowser.

[StandandDeliver]

Mamma Bear - no matter her age and her IQ he has still affaired down - there will be some underlying "neediness" in her that prevented her having a boundary about married men.

My H's OW is attractive enough (if you don't mind women who resemble horses), brunette although she is much younger, possibly intelligent in some ways, works for the same company (big surprise!!!), but I know that she has severe "Daddy issues" in that she grew up with only her mother and won't even speak about her father (can see why H was an attractive option - seemingly committed family man (not any more!!) but also raises the question why would she be willing to let him leave 2 very small children for her  - very selfish and self-serving (perhaps jealous of my life, too) , she is very controlling and jealous and somewhat pathetic. Traits that I do not share in any major way (everyone can be those things about some areas of their lives, but I know I am usually not those things and was not with H (otherwise I would have suspected the affair much earlier).

So whatever they say, they most often have "affaired down" in some way.

[Mamma Bear]

 The saddest part for me is trying to absorb the 180 H took. He used to dote on me. I walked on water. I made all the money,cleaned the house took care of the kids. PTA etc etc and he worshipped me. I guess when he started lounging around I got mean for a while and then I withdrew thinking "he's back on vicodin."
  Since the kids were small and his Mom 93 y.o was here I thought our "talk" should wait.
 Then Bam. Gone. Nice.
  Horse face ugly women who used to work at the convenience store and her 7 year old son isn't with her. Grandma! Oh well.
 I'm comfortable for now. He was so mean to me at the end. It sucked. Something had to give. Since h chose to do it the hard way I'm gonna chill and enjoy myself and my kids and my friends.
 Let H sit over in the tiny,hot apt w/ Bowser and his 3 day a week limo run. Nice life. Me and the Ds are going to the YMCA for a swim. Thanks for your feedback. Love ya all.
 

[Glimmer]

Went out with my friend last night and she told me this story about her sisters neighbours.

About 6years ago this man had an affair with another lady from across the road. This lady was a friend of his wife, who ultimately found out about the R. She kicked her husband out and the man and OW moved away together.  His wife divorced him. They lived together for about 2years until the man realised that he didn't love this OW but was in fact still in love with his ex wife. He apoligised to his ex and said he had been angry at her for always telling him to lose weight, and he felt that if she had truly loved him it would not have been a problem. He became attracted to this OW because she had not nagged him about his weight and had said she liked him just the way he was. 

Eventually they sorted out their differences and reconciled.  They were due to remarry a couple of years ago, butone of their parents took ill and died forcing them to put their plans on hold.  They have now rearranged their wedding for later this year, 6 years since they were divorced.  They are now both in their mid 50s, and happier than they have ever been.

[LoveMeMyself]

I love, love, love this reconciliation stories.  I hope we keep hearing them and posting on here.   

[hrtnbig]

I love these stories too.  My h is in MLC.  I have two female friends that both cheated on their husbands at the 20 year mark, both show all signs of MLC, one is single and her H is out of town, depressed and unemployed, she is "having casual sex" and still wouldn't take him back.  Other woman I know is living with boyfriend and "happy" BUT both have talked of regretting their choicies.  Both are still married to their H's and both are likely going to have HUGE regrets.  For me I don't talk to them much because I know the pain they caused their husbands and it makes me mad at them.  You can't tell an MLC'er what to do ever, not even a friend, they just don't listen.  My friends are both dumb these are good men they left and they will find other women as soon as their hearts heal, but that is the thing about MLC, it takes so much time.  I hope all "standers" have good outcome.  I question my standing all the time, but I also believe in the committment I made and I remember how wonderful he was to me when it was good.  If I didn't have those memories, I would be gone.

[BonBon]

I also have a friend who I believe is in MLC.
She had an affair and now she and her husband are splitting up.
She told me all these supposedly awful things about him which I know are NOT true.
He is a great guy and was a great husband.

She is a dear friend who has always stuck by me but she doesn't know what's going on in my life and I don't intend to tell her.

I am not being a good friend to her because I don't want to hear her MLC garbage.  I just don't have the stomach for it.  At all.

[Mamma Bear]

 HI! I am the one whose sister's H left and had OW 20 mos and came back. They're my heroes. Between this forum and my sister and her H.
 Now my Clingy Boomerang who has been at OW apt since Valentine's Day Massacre BD
 Ds 8 and 11 after 6 weeks of no sign of h he now goes and comes. My sister told me to STOP answering his calls every time and let him wonder what I as up to. Really worked. Now he's up my ass. Loving eyes taking apart bicycles in the driveway for no reason except have a reason to see me.
 Keeps telling the Ds "How come Mommy looks so much nicer?"
  Let's keep this Karma Bus going. Go back to ugly OW in the tiny hot apt and find your lost youth. We're having a BBQ
  Shout out to LG...Thanks for the advice about STOP PURSUING!

[LettingGo]

MB..... you've got a great support system with your sister and her husband.... you will get good info from the horse's mouth, so to speak!! Yes, your husband has NOTICED you and you don't look like what he remembered... the evil bit**y wife.... OW will eventually get compared to you and come up short... however, right now he's probably thinking "Oh, no..... now what do I do? I'm torn between two women..." YUCK and DOUBLE YUCK!! It's just a stage. COntinue to be aloof, but kind and serene... DO NOT COME UNGLUED in front of him if you can help it... Let OW be the crazy, irrational one... if only I had been able to control myself.... I remember that when my husband first noticed me after my 180, he actually said to me... "Wow... you seem really rational..." which told me a lot about his R with OW.

You have a long ways to go, but I have no doubt you will come through.... keep following your sister's advice and come here to vent your frustrastions.... 

[Mamma Bear]

 He said he's gonna mow the lawn..my friend's H is a landscaper.
 He might beat him to it. I'd do it myself but we're way up on a hill.
 Not to show him we don't need him but he's been talking about it so long it looks like that over grown field from Sound of Music
 Oh and When he makes blinky love eyes at me is that cake eating? 

[Shantilly Lace]

Oh oh oh there is a thread on cake eating somewhere.

But to mecake eatingis what dearheart is doing (and yes I LET him) he wants to have a relationship with you and ow.
Love eyes is just loveeyes and trying to make sure you are where he left you

[Mamma Bear]

 Yikes. I let him also and reciprocate love eyes. I am so much better and stronger since I saw that pix of Bowser OW woof. Yes I'm shallow.

[Shantilly Lace]

LOL shallow isn't always such a bad thing.

And if I get sick of the cake eating I can always make him eat dust.

[BirdSoul]

I have a very hopeful story that is close to my heart.

My dear sister, who has helped me immensely with all her compassion and insights into my sitch, went into MLC about 10 years ago (about age 41). At that time she had been married for nearly 20 years and had three children. There were definitely major issues in her marriage that she and my BIL had never been able to resolve, but they always had a deep and genuine love for one another.

My sister, in many ways, was the classic accommodater who neglected/did not know how to meet her own emotional needs and finally caved to despair over her belief that my BIL would never change. She had an affair with an old high school flame (who was also married and also in MLC). My BIL did not stand. Instead, he had a retaliatory affair and my sister and BIL were both very, very angry at one another and ended up getting divorced. It was not an amicable divorce.

My sister's affair, as we all know from RCR's wisdom, was doomed; OM never left his wife. My BIL married his affair partner very soon after the divorce. But, he affaired down in a big way (although not strictly in MLC himself he acted like it in many ways), was never going to be happy with this OW, and never stopped loving my sister. So his relationship was also doomed.

Little by little my sister and BIL talked and talked, figured things out, and reconnected. They have now been divorced almost six years, but, he is in the process of divorcing his second wife and my sister and BIL are recommitting to one another. They are taking it very, very slowly.

My sister has changed immensely for the better by going through the MLC tunnel. She has really come into her own as a person and is so wise about herself and others. She told me that her chief learning was that she "does not pin her happiness on anyone else." This is what our MLC'ers need to learn, as they have pinned their happiness on us, and found it did not work. We can only control our own happiness. Interestingly, my BIL has changed, too. He is much less closed-off emotionally and much more open to my sister and their children and their needs. I think he takes better care of his own needs as well.

I think this story shows the power of a genuine loving bond, even without a strict stand by my BIL, which would have made things even better between my sister and BIL, possibly in a shorter period of time. I hope my sister's story gives you all hope, as it has given me.

Blessings to all.

[LisaLives]

Thanks birdhouse, not just for the story, but for the song reference.  How can one not be happy singing they might be giants.  I love that.  And that's a great story--I think that's my dream. 

[Mamma Bear]

Uh OH Maria Schriver said something about a Transition and separated from "Arnold" No talk of D  I praying for them to be a success story.

[Ibelieve]

I heard about Arnold and Maria also.. First thing that came out of my mouth was... "Midlife Crisis"  haha
It was a surprise.

[OldPilot]

Uh OH Maria Schriver said something about a Transition and separated from "Arnold" No talk of D  I praying for them to be a success story.

Plus she is in depression from the passing of her father Seargant Shriver

[Buggy31]

Shriver appears without a wedding ring in videos posted recently on YouTube and talks about stress in her life, the weight of expectations and the search for faith in a troubled world.

Read more: http://www.thebostonchannel.com/entertainment/27849853/detail.html#ixzz14mxTtIJM


Just read this article...sounds like MLC for sure..don't you think

[Mamma Bear]

 Sounds like Arnold is Standing Maybe he'll be on here soon.

[LearningIamOk]

If Arnold joins he can take the name the  MLCinator.  He won't stop, he'll never stop. That's all he does!

[Mamma Bear]

 LOL He'll need to focus on himself and not pursue her. Give her space.
 Remember he can't go around it or under it. It must be gone through..

[xyzcf]

I had dinner with my ex SIL tonight and she told me of a couple at her work..the wife divorced the husband and two years later they are remarrying.

[LearningIamOk]

keep the stories coming.  My H just told me he is dating.  I am devastated, but should have expected it.  He texted me by mistake and that's how I found out.  I am not sleeping now and need reassurance that even tho' he is doing this, that there is hope that we will reconcile.

[Tsunami]

So sorry trying.  I know if I heard that from my husband, my heart would drop; however it seems most of them do find an alienator.  I'm sorry you are going through this; he is unable to love in his state of mind, it's a fantasy for him.  I pray all of us have the opportunity to reconcile.

(((Trying2bok)))

[LearningIamOk]

Tsunami, thank you for your sympathies.  I am trying to deal with this news and it is gut wrenching.  He is test driving other women to take my place and that is something I didn't expect to happen.  If he was so unhappy in our relationship and needed to be by himself, why is he looking for a replacement in four months.  He kept telling me over and over that he would be happy by himself.  I guess he lied to himself about that.

[Tsunami]

Men need women more than we need them!

[Mamma Bear]

 Tsunami ,   Did you send me a PM? Last week? I tried to reply on there but I kept getting an error message and couldn't Sorry I wanted to.
   PLus I'm a techno peasant and couldn't figure out how to email you. 

[What Next]

T2B,

I am so sorry to hear that, I have to confess it is my biggest dread not because I don't think it will happen but because I don't know if I could handle that yet or ever.

I agree with Tsunami, men need women more, in any guise! I hope you rally to this new MLC challenge,it's so wrong.

X

[heartbroken]

My husband left in February.  Said all the usual, ILUBINILWU.  Swore there was no one else.  Felt like he was missing out on things.  Was going to be alone.  I believed him.  Last week I hired a PI.  He leased a house with OW before he told me he was done with our marriage.        They moved right in together.  I am having a very hard time dealing with this.  He has only known her since Oct..  They met at work.  She was new.   I think they probably started flirting in Dec. and 2 months later there living together.  How does a husband give up 24 years for someone he's only known a couple of months.  I am sorry but this is devastating. 

[Mamma Bear]

 We have to keep reminding each other it's part of the process. He's following the script. It's not normal. Unbelievable is what it is.
 Thank God we have each other to help us get back up.
  If it makes you feel any better my H ran away from me and my Ds on Valentine's Day this year.
  I was clueless. Now I've learned OW (where he lives)used to work at a convenience store .She's our age and he thought she was married when he went to leave some of his amps and guitars there in an effort to move out. Then she says"I'm not married I'm divorced." Whamo They are in LOVE. OK? sure.
  Be the best you that you can be!! Don't think about that band aid. You'll be fine THEY WON"T

[hopefulone]

a story of "return" that hits close to home for me - not a happy ending

My dad started his mlc when he was in his early 40's, he started drinking more and more heavily, blamed my mother for so many things, appeared he hated her very existence.  The drinking became chronic and his behavior more violent, never hit us but man did we learn how to dodge things.  I was around 11 when it started, at 27 just a few  months before my own wedding, i caught him with another woman at a local store, he didn't see me so i followed him and ow to her house.  I didn't tell my mom rightaway, but a few days later caught him in the middle of one of his fits...i took down a suitcase and told him pack.  My mom asked why  I said it's enough he is "sick" but he cheats too.  Well my mom took it well considering it was over 34 yrs of marriage, but she agreed pack and we'll talk later she said.  Just before my wedding they got divorced and he married the ow.  We didn't stay in close contact but we watched as my father's health deteriorated.  Til one day i get the nerve to call him to tell him of my first pregnancy, but he would not answer the phone.   I asked my big brother to check on him,, found my dad living in the garage apt of the ow's house severely malnourished (due to the drinking he had to use a tube to feed himself)  My brother brings him to the hospital and tells my mom...in the end my dad apologized to my mom, she said forgave him everyday he hurt her.  The ow never came to the hospital and had signed over a POW and faxed it.  My dad died in my mother's arms, i arrived at the hospital just a few moments after.  Yes cheaters do come home, but some just so very late...

[Shantilly Lace]

I know it's not the return we hope for but it goes to show that the fear can just keep them away.
How many are there like that?
Who had no hope and just gave up?  No help no support.

And that they do feel it even if we never believe it.

[GottaBeMe]

Hopefulone,

That story is so powerful, for me, so sad.  I have envisioned a similar scenario in my mind, over and over, with my xh.  It is why I cannot ignore him when he reaches out to me, and some people IRL don't understand.  I've tried to give him hope as much as I can and fought very hard to put my own issues with him to rest.  It's been a very long road for me though.  I feel powerless to do much else at this point, but this post brings me to tears.  Whatever his addictions are, he doesn't seem to be able to have what it takes to overcome them.

The last time he contacted me for a meaningful discussion, one of the first things he said to me was "I just want you to know, in case something happens to me, that I'm sorry for everything that I've done, and I know how much I hurt you.  If I could do it over again, I would". 

For me, and where we are in our situation, I forgave him.  He was a b@stard to beat all b@stards, and caused as much damage as a person can.  I know that that is not the real him though, and it just means that he has so much to overcome.  For my own protection, I have to keep my distance with him, so it was important to me to let him know that I forgive him. 

For all my detachment, and peace right now in my life, I know that if something does happen to him, I will be devastated. 

[LoveMeMyself]

Very touching and heartfelt story, Hopefulone.  It brings tears to my eyes.  I wish all our MLC'ers could/would read it.  My exH's dad left his mom and remarried.  He left her and two teenage boys (twins) at home. They despised their dad for leaving them and their mom.  He later became sick (bone cancer) and died at the age of 53.  My exH's mom said it felt like losing him all over again. I know she loved him even though he left her for OW.  She would have done anything for him if given the chance.  She has been deceased now for 4 years.  I hope and pray they are holding hands in heaven.  Thanks for sharing the story.

[unbroken]

It's a tightrope.  You want them to know that they can come home when they are ready, but you don't want them to just abuse that knowledge.
I did hear another story yesterday. Don't have details.  Don't really think it was MLC, but it does give hope that people do really love the people they marry which is what I'm counting on.  I believe I am the love of his life for my H.  (But maybe that's wishful thinking)
Anyway.  A friend knows someone at work who divorced her H a while back, maybe just a year or two.  She doesn't know all of why, but the W had stuck by the H through a cancer and maybe loss of a job but things were bad between them.  The W thought it was all about the H and was unhappy.  I think that went on for a while. Then they divorced.  I'm sure there's more.  Anyway, they just remarried.

[LuvYourself]

This is my story of hope for all of you currently dealing with a spouse in a MLC.   
I would describe my husband and I as the perfect couple,  we were best friends, loved being with each other, holding hands constantly, and telling each other we loved each other daily. 
When the MLC hit, and hit hard, it felt so sudden (I can look back now and see there were signs).
 A MLC seems to blow in with a hurricane force and destroy everything in it's way.   

My husband was never cruel to me with his words, but became withdrawn, depressed, highly focused on working out, and buying things that shocked me.  He became a person I didn't recognize nor like. 
I tried to make sense of it, I tried to understand it, I tried to fix it, but there is no making sense of it, understanding it or fixing it.   
This is their journey to take and there's alone...you can't fix it nor make it better for them.   
I remember crying several times per day...trying to make just hour to hour at work.   
I asked him over, and over, and over again if there was someone else and every time he said no.   
This was so against who my husband was as a person, his morals, his respect and love for me. 

I didn't think there was any possibility he could do it to me.   I ignored all the warning signs because I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to believe it. 
Honestly, I just couldn't handle it.   
I read the Hero's Spouse daily, researched MLC until I felt I was an expert in the field, and called my best friend 4-5 times daily.  Along the way, a friend of mine gave me a daily devotional called, "Jesus Calling".   

I believe in God, but certainly didn't go to church nor pray daily.  When I started reading the daily devotionals, it was as though He was speaking to me.  I really held on to the words, which really helped me get through the days. 
After a year of no change, I told my husband in a fit of rage to leave and figure it out...followed by don't come back until you do.   Well guess what, he took me up on that.   My husband left Feb 1st and moved into an apartment...I was devastated.   
One week later to the day, my best friend through a very strange string of events saw my husband running with HER. 
Again devastated....but, I wouldn't believe it.  The story he gave was plausible...right?   

Another week later was the call, his phone accidently called my phone (which it had several before in the past). 
I had the pleasure of listening to him and her talk...it was very scrambled and hard to make out the exact words, but clear enough to determine there was someone else.  I don't think there's any words to describe that feeling of betrayal...a person would need to experience it to really understand it.  I confronted him and there was no way to disguise it now.   He loved her, he didn't know how he felt about me...etc etc.  We've all heard it.   Instead of turning ugly, hateful, taking revenge....I turned and worked on myself as difficult as it was...I left him to figure it out for himself.  I followed all the recommendations made through this website...it helped me make sense of what was happening and understand where he was. 

Without this site I don't think our marriage would have survived.  I knew I couldn't help him so I focused on myself, what role had I played in all of this.  How can I become a much happier person within myself.  I told him that I wasn't divorcing him and if he wanted the divorce, he's the one that was going to do it. 
VERY long story short, after the affair came out I guess it lost it's excitment.  He eventually came back to me and asked if I would take him back.  He couldn't understand how I was ever going to forgive him, but if I was willing to take him back he wanted to try again.  I have forgiven him because I can separate the two people...this was not my husband. 
I didn't recognize this man.   It's been almost 2 years since this talk. 
My husband and I are through his MLC, living together again for the last year, trust is as solid as it can be with what’s happened, we are very happy, life is good. 

PLEASE BELIEVE....THERE IS HOPE!

[xyzcf]

Thank you so very very much LuvYourself..may God continue to bless you and your marriage and family.

[wondering]

My girlfriend was talking to me about a month ago saying i shouldn't  hate the OW she might have just gotten caught up in things like my girlfriend had 20 years ago.

A bunch of friends all worked out in the same gym (that's where I met H). The rumor all over the club was that my friend was having an affair with this married man at the gym. His wife also worked out there. It was humiliating for the wife that everyone at the gym knew. I remember my friend complaining that her car kept getting egged and she suspected the wife. I can't remember how many months or more that it went on. I remember my H and I running into them one time out in public but quite far away(40 minutes away) from the gym and from where this man lived.  He eventually went back to his wife. He was in his mid 40's. Well I ran in to this man and his wife just last year..they are still together 20 yrs since it happened.

I just remembered it the other day and it is a good reminder that the hurt and humiliation can be gotten over. A marriage can heal from this horror. I have no doubt that my friend wound up being a blip on the radar screen in their very long marriage. It also reminded me that how much pain the wife had to be going through to lower herself to egg my friends car. I am so glad I have never contacted OW.

[Ibelieve]

luvyourself,

Thanks so much for posting your success story.  As I was reading the first part of your story, my mouth dropped because I was reading my exact story including the best friend, loving, saying we love each other, holding hands all the time, H not cruel etc.
 All of it. I really felt like you stole my story. haha. 

I am so very happy for you, and you have given me hope.

[LuvYourself]

My heart goes out to each and every one of you.  The amount of pain can't be described.  We try to make sense of the MLC, the OW....asking the how's, why's, and what the hell's    PLEASE do not torture yourselves with trying to figure it out...blaming yourselves...it's all insanity...we're dealing with an insane person.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU....he's NOT doing this with the purpose of hurting you...his actions/choices are all about him...his wants/desires....it's him...his journey...his past....his issues.   There is nothing to make sense of and if you continue to try you will drive yourself crazy.  Focus on yourself as hard as that is...keep yourself busy...find a hobby...do some self exploration.  I used that time to help myself grow as a person...I found myself through this journey and have come out a better/happier person.  This time is not all about him.

[xyzcf]

I for one would really appreciate if you can keep posting..I have just been through a wretched day..every time I think I'm ok I find that I'm not..especially when after nearly two years he is completely gone....I need to keep reminding myself that MLC is real!

[Tsunami]

Luvyourself,

Thank you so much for coming to this site and sharing your story with others.

XYZCF, a big cyber hug to you!  You have been a wonderful source of encouragement to all of us, and keep the faith, you will make it through today, and tomorrow I pray things will be much better for you.

Luv,

Tsunami

[LuvYourself]

xyzcf,
     Some days are very long and hard...I remember when I arrived home...a place I used to find comfort, which turned into a house of sadness ..the only way I could fall asleep was to tell myself the quicker I fall asleep, the sooner I was through this day and can move onto the next.  Try to take one day at a time...don't look back, don't look forward...concentrate on the present and moving through it. 





 

[trusting]

THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU....he's NOT doing this with the purpose of hurting you...his actions/choices are all about him...his wants/desires....it's him...his journey...his past....his issues. 

My head knows this very well.  My heart unfortunately is lagging behind and it is hard still to not take the rejection personally. 

Thanks for posting your story, LY.  We need all the hope we can get.

[rememberer]

Luvyourself,

Thanks for posting your story. Just wondering now you've reconciled ,if your H told you any revelations about what he was going through.

Big Hug xyz, it's awful how a regular 'bad day' is so extra bad when you're already carrying the load of this MLC, and all it entails. Be kind to yourself and hopefully tommorrow will be better.

[rememberer]

 I know a situation that happened with some people up at our cottage. There was a couple where the wife had an affair with a married man from her work. He was much older than her, and I'm guessing he was perhaps late 40's,early 50's. She was about 10-15 yrs younger. He left his wife of many yrs. and she left her husband(they divorced and her H went on to marry another woman and they had a child together, have a cottage on the lake too, and seem very happy.)

So, the adulterous couple were together for quite awhile, maybe 2 yrs or so. Then he got transferred out west for his job, and apparently she wasn't happy about that. They had a long distance relationship for a while, and then the woman started fooling around with another married man on the lake. He left his wife too for this woman who seemed to have no problem breaking up marriages.

I just heard the man went back to his wife. He was gone a total of about 3yrs. Everyone was shocked she took him back, but apparently they are very happy again.

It will be interesting to see how long this second affair of hers lasts, or doesn't. She has quite the reputation on the lake now for someone with 'lack of boundaries and morals.'

[LoveMeMyself]

This story reminds me of one I was told back in December (one year after my ex moved out).  Anyway, this woman was involved with a married man for about 5 years.  She had been divorced and had a small child at the time.  There had been another man in her life before her affair but she left him and moved to be closer to the married man.  She finally ended her affair with the married man because it wasn't working out and she knew in her heart it was wrong.  She moved back to her original home and one day ran into the other man she had left behind.  Anyway, long story short..........she and the other man ended up getting married and they are still together after about 10 plus years.  He is not the father of her child but he treats her as if she is his.  My ex has told me that we can never get back together but I do not let this statement bother me.  This is coming from a man in MLC and his thoughts are foggy and muddy.  I hold onto my faith and hope. 

[LuvYourself]

Rememberer,
     Much of the two years are very foggy to him...he can't remember certain events/conversations etc.   When we were discussing it the other day, he said it felt like we were talking about someone else's life...like he had woke up and it had been two years later.  We still need to start marriage counseling to understand why it happened in order to prevent a repeat, but he needs to be ready for that.  I don't think he's quite there yet.  I guess it's hard facing what you've done to someone you love.  He has much remorse, guilt, and shame....I can see his deep sadness whenever we dive into his MLC. 

[zinger]

LuvYourself,
Thanks so much for posting.  What brought you to this now?  Did your H pursue a Divorce?  Do you have kids?  Sorry to inundate you with questions but we LBS are like moths to a flame with a success story.

Continued success to you and thanks for sharing!

[Buggy31]

LY
I wonder if you'd be interested in starting a thread with your story.  It's totally up to you but the perspective of a return story can be so helpful to LBSs as a way to stay sane amist the insanity.  We so appreciate your sharing. 

HUGS
BUGS

[With Gods Help!]

Hi, Ly i agree thankyou for sharing your story and as the others say it does help when we see people reconciling it keep the rest of us with hope alive xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Buggy31]

 they are not even the 17yo, they are 2!

Absolutely LW ...and you know what my 3 year old does when I ask her to do something...the exact opposite...or when I tell her NO she says...I DON'T love you anymore....or she throws something....same thing...really

[LuvYourself]

Zinger--
     What brought my husband around...why now???  I'm not sure...I think he moved through his journey and found this lifestyle was not making him happy either.  When he stopped seeing the OW, I asked him why now?  What has changed?   He said one day he stopped and thought what the hell am I doing.   At the end of the MLC he still didn't know what he wanted and still confused as to where he fit into his life...he said it was my strength and conviction that pushed him to finally jump back in.   He said I was so strong and solid about my feelings (that we were meant to be together forever)....he thought I must be on to something...he took the chance and jumped.
     

[xyzcf]

LuvYourself..please keep posting..you have no idea how much I needed to read this right now.

[LuvYourself]

So instead of crying to God that you did nothing and it is unfair, ask God what to do now.

This is so true.   I prayed A LOT!   Many times I didn't really like the answer, but I trusted that He had a plan whether I agreed with it or not.  It appears to be so much easier if we followed a straight path, but sometimes we were meant to travel hills and valleys.   I read a passage daily from Jesus Calling...I felt He was speaking directly to me some days....very, very inspirational book.   I didn't question why....I said OK...I really don't like this ride, but I'm straping in because it appears it's going to be bumpy.    There are no explanations as to why things happen the way they do, just trust that He knows the way and He'll get you there in the end.

[truth_seeker]

LuvY- please continue to post.  I too welcome any thoughts you might have on your experience. 

I'll have to get Jesus Calling one of these days.  Thanks for mentioning it...

[Shantilly Lace]

I'm going to move the "fog" comments to another thread I pinned.

A view from the other side - my fog story

I will eventually tidy this thread up to the stories only.

[initforever]

I think I should post this story here! A friend of mind walked away from her husband about 3 years ago, I didn't know anything about MLC at the time and I believed and supported her.  I thought what she was saying was true about her husband. They were married 21 years and she just wanted out!. Her husband begged her to stay, went to counseling with her, just tried everything he could (like most of us LBS). 

Last year, I told her about my H and how he was acting and we would talk about my h's desire to leave but, I didn't put it all together until months later.  My friend was a walk away wife! She was having her own MLC! At the same time my h moved out she actually was divorcing her h. She had been dating a man 10 years younger who was going to Divinity School.  The man was divorced with 3 young daughters.

After my friend divorced her husband she and the OM were talking about getting married! She was on cloud nine! Well, guess what...the OM who was in Divinity School...went back to wife of his youth!!

I hate to be happy about this but!!! So, where does that leave friend, well fast forward to today, she text  me last week about how miserable, lonely, broke, and her h has moved on with a new girlfriend and will not have anything to do with her!

I really don't do what advice to give to friend because I am her husband! I just told her to Trust God!

I'm not sure if this post should be here but, to me it was a success for the LBS! He actually did have the last say!

[BraveNewWorld]

Initforever, thanks for the story. Couple of questions.

Did your friend indicate to you that she now regrets leaving her husband?

What did she say about him that you thought was true at the time? What does she say about that now?

BNW

[initforever]

BNW...she talked about how awful their marriage had been for years and how you just never know what goes on behind closed doors. I had no idea she was in MLC so, I believed her! I thought, heck she knows better than anybody!

She has regrets for sure, the one thing that has really hurt her is seeing her exh being happy with someone else! When someone tells you they are lonely, broke and miserable you know they have regrets! Plus she wants to reconnect with her exh and he will not have anything to do with her, she is regreting her decisions!

She is still in the tunnel and I say thus because she is still blaming her exh! So, she has Some work she still needs to do. I hope this helps!

[BraveNewWorld]

Initforever, thanks for the reply. I hope you don't mind me asking more questions. I guess I'm going through a phase

One of the ( admittedly many ) things I find difficult about this is how friends of my wife ( that in fact knew us both ) just accept that she was unhappy in our marriage.

When you wrote 'she knows better than anybody', it made me think that's what her friends must have thought too. Did you ever talk to her husband? Did your opinion of him change right away?

Very few of her friends have even spoken to me, yet they seem so supportive of my wife.

Here's a conversation I remember:

W: 'They ( her friends ) understand. They get it'.
Me: 'How come I don't? Please can you help me understand?'.
W: 'That's between you and your therapist'.
Me: 'He says that you have all the answers.'
W: 

It is interesting not knowing what goes on behind closed doors. My version of what went on behind those doors is different from my wifes ... and by and large, my version remains untold to the mutual friends that we had. Somehow her version is the only version. She could say anything, and I think at some point in this, my wife realized that she could say or do what she liked and I think that felt empowering. The only people that may have disagreed were the people that should have mattered the most.

I was actually behind our own 'closed doors', and now, two years post BD - I barely know what was real anymore - I'm auditing my memories - my brother tells me to hang on to the good ones because they were real.

Does she want a romantic relationship with her ex again? What does she blame him for now? Did she suggest to you that she was in a fog?

Before my wife left, I told her that I didn't want any more of her anger. That as far as I was concerned, I'd paid whatever price my actions had cost me, and that she had to find someone else to be angry at. Ideally the person or people she really should be angry at.

To me this MLC is a cop out in some ways ... they direct their anger at someone or something that it is safe to be angry at, rather than accept some difficult, horrible truth about the real origin of the problems. It must feel amazing to get the anger out at all. But it is temporary and misdirected. I think it is ultimately only more damaging to them.

We're advised to not take it personally as standers, and in some ways maybe that's what we need to give to our spouses as an act of love. But it is brutal as you know!

I can understand why her ex husband would have nothing to do with her. And she is dangerous to him if she still has blame for him. I'm worried that I'm going to end up down that path - to quote Sarah McLachlan - of 'burying my heart in a place she can't touch' and moving on.

Thanks.

BNW

[Dontgiveup]

BNW

When I read the part in your post about versions of your marriage being told to mutual friends, I got the image of a jury trial.  If the majority of your mutual friends thought your side was accurate, and they ruled in your favor, then your wife's MLC must come to an end.

When your wife says her friends "get it", just take that with a grain of salt.  Your version IS different from your wife's.....it has to be.....she's having the MLC, not you.  Just like the lady you communicated with on the other website, your wife is set up for regrets.

What your therapist said is partially true.  She will have the answers....but not right now.....that's why MLC is a process.

[BraveNewWorld]

BNW

When I read the part in your post about versions of your marriage being told to mutual friends, I got the image of a jury trial.  If the majority of your mutual friends thought your side was accurate, and they ruled in your favor, then your wife's MLC must come to an end.

Not intentional - though I do feel judged by some of them. I'm more frustrated about the casual acceptance of it all.

[LoveMeMyself]

BNW,

    I think I truly "get it" and understand how you feel regarding being "judged" by mutual friends and their casual acceptance (of her side).  My exH's family (brother/SIL) absolutely refuse any contact attempts I made in the beginning of this mess.  I felt so hurt and couldn't understand how quickly they turned their back on me.  I never got a chance to even try to get any support from them.  It was as if they blamed me just as well as my exH did.  It really hurt me to think how easily they turned away.  I'm alright with it now because I know deep down the truth.  I have no idea what my exH may have told them but he did tell me that they thought I didn't like them..........whatever.  He didn't/doesn't have any friends and the ones we were around on a few occasions were all mine friends before him.  I've accepted the fact that his family doesn't want to talk to me but one of these days things may be different. 

[initforever]

BNW...No I do not know her husband only what she has shared.  She is still blaming him for not changing to fit what she needed him to be, when she needed it.  I think she just wants her husband back! I don't think she realise she is  or have been in a fog.  Until she is able to accept what she has done to her marriage I would think she is still in the tunnel however, I think she is coming out, she does see some light because if she didn't she would not want her husband back!  As she comes out and talks more, I promise to share!

On another note, a friend told me about his friend's wife left him for his best friends nephew! He was a true stander and his wife came back this year after being gone for 8!!!

[good4me]

8 years ? That is absolutely crazy 

[xyzcf]

I had requested on tuesday when I went to mass before mediation for prayers to be said. There is a group of people who say the rosary after mass. Now I am at my retreat and I met one of the women who leads the rosary..she shared her story with me.

She has been married 43 years. When she was married 17 years, her husband told her he couldn't live with her anymore and he left for several months. When he came back, he converted and their marriage became much better. I don't know more details..but it gives me hope as we are always hearing these good news stories and after the week that  I have had, each story helps me great deal.

[StandandDeliver]

I have to admit that sometimes I hear these stories about MLCers wanting to return and I think that the only reason that they want to come back is for the safety and security of not being  -  do they "miss" their ex's or do they hate being lonely? OR often their ex's have moved on andI wonder if it is a case of wanting what they can no longer have.

That is the cynic in me though...(the little voice that thinks moving on to a new relationship sounds appealing as an LBS!)

[Buggy31]

I have to admit that sometimes I hear these stories about MLCers wanting to return and I think that the only reason that they want to come back is for the safety and security of not being  -  do they "miss" their ex's or do they hate being lonely? OR often their ex's have moved on andI wonder if it is a case of wanting what they can no longer have.

That is the cynic in me though...(the little voice that thinks moving on to a new relationship sounds appealing as an LBS!)

S& D
important question...in my book this is the LBS becoming the OW/OM to OW/OM...I think it's something to be VERY aware of in MLC and why many LBSers have to come down hard on the MLCer during the reconcilliation AT SOME POINT.  NOt sure what that's about because I'm not there but I've heard HB and stayed talk about this.  There is hard work to be done with the LBS and you don't want the LBSers thinking they can just walk in the door and say...."HI HONEY I"M HOME..

[Dontgiveup]

StandandDeliver

You are not necessarily being cynical......there is a possibility of truth in each of those questions.  The relationship does need to be rebuilt, but there is a difference.  The relationship with your MLCer does have roots to it.  There is a foundation.  A new relationship, while maybe having some intrique, does not have those roots......the statistics reflect that.

The article below has some insights on this.  When the MLCer returns, it still takes time.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_being-number-one.html

[LettingGo]

Acoording to MLCers who are able to remember and verbalize their feelings, they all say they missed their wives and families every single day. They all say they never stopped loving their spouse.... I suspect they forget the early times when their feelings were displaced and the drama of the affair made them feel "alive" again... that's how my husband describes it.

When they try and return, it is a deep desire to escape the affair R which is probably volatile on a good day.... it is exhausting and toxic and chokes the life out of them... the same way any addiction will. They "love" their spouse, but are pretty distracted.... it's not a romance novel where they suddenly say "OMG, I love you forever and will NEVER leave you...." they're still working the details out.

Of the stories I've heard, once they are over the alienator, it's as if they never existed... Stayed's husband felt guilty that he lived with his OW for a year, yet felt absolutely nothing for her once he was OVER it... it ran it's course and he gained strength to end it when he thought he was losing Stayed. I think they can feel they are in danger of losing you even if you live together.... true detachment can be felt.... it's that "take it or leave it" attitude and they know the door is open, not only to come in, but you'll let them go as well and be just fine either way.

For me, a benefit of my husband's repeated failures at returning have bought me some FREEDOM when the real relationship is built.... he might try to go back to his controlling ways, but deep down he knows he will have to take me or leave me as I am... no more controlling sh**. It's a good thing... a silver lining perhaps!

[unbroken]

I think if we make it through we're all going to be better for the experience.

Acoording to MLCers who are able to remember and verbalize their feelings, they all say they missed their wives and families every single day.

Who is "they all"?  How many?  What are there stories?

[GottaBeMe]

Although we are not reconciled, my xh has told me this a lot.  As a matter of fact, it has occurred to me lately just how important it seems to him to tell me this over and over, in one fashion or another.  I had the question in my mind just the other day whether he does this to try to ease some of the pain that I felt, or if he's trying to tell me that he was hurting too.  He did indicate that it was torturous, that he couldn't sleep.  He actually said in a text "my consequences for what I've done...I think about you ALL the time".  I wasn't sure how to take that...LOL.  What I don't know, is if he thought of me all throughout, or if it was just in phases. 

Some day I hope to get the answers to some of the questions that I have.  I want it to come from him though with no influence from me, so I'll wait until the timing is right.....if that day ever comes.

[Mamma Bear]

 8)Love Isn't Weakness, My BIL told me yesterday when I went to visit them that "He missed her every day and thought of her and the kids everyday!!"    He told me he's not just saying that. He said he was so mad at the way she "Nagged him" He ran and did this OW crap for 18 mos "Torture,turmoil" He says now "I can't believe I almost lost your sister. I was an a**hole"   well yeah you were.

[Dontgiveup]

In e-mails, my friends ex-wife told him she thought about him often and once e-mailed him that she had dreams about him.

[Mamma Bear]

 MLCer = Teenager Brain=Selfish for now Not our problem. Or is it? Stay strong.

[Mamma Bear]

 Ouch and we'll be fine either way. Mine just called to ask out of the blue if the Ds 9 and 11 could go up North to escape the heat with him. I find out he means him and OW. I calmly walked the tightrope and told him. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"   Kids at a motel w H and OW ??but Friday he was rushing to drive me to work. I told him he has all his space and he should stop trying to think of new ways to torture me b/c they weren't working. Told him he was rude and confused. (And I was amazed that I still trusted him and cared so much for him) He listened and was nice. Why not?
   I got the old "I was crying on the couch for 10 years"  Funny I don't really remeber that much!

[Dontgiveup]

I had dinner with my friend and wanted to post because of several confirmations and "steps" of the reconnection process.   As many of your know, my friend's ex-wife has divorced the other man.  She has said told my friend she can't believe she actually married the other man and has felt in a fog the last 3 years.

She has been e-mailing my friend nearly every day for the last 2 weeks.  She lives in a different state (insert your own joke there).  Anyway, she is now asking questions about specific family members and how they perceive her.  I believe (and my friend agreed) she is testing for acceptance.

He said that he believes right now, she is very much looking at him as a friend.  Limitless had a great post about the friends thing with your MLCer in another thread today (I found Limitless' post to be both accurate and humorous).  My friend's ex-wife continues down the road of friendship.....and her e-mails continue to increase in fondness of old memories and the emotional intimacy that her and my friend share.  He said that RCR's article about reconnection is playing out to be true.  He saw pieces of reconnection from her about a year ago.....but this year they continue to be stronger and more specific.

He knows there is quite a way to go yet, and reconciliation is not certain.  He talked to me about at times during the past 3 years wondering if he would be better off in another relationship, but said the more he thought about that, the more he knew that the foundation he shares with his ex-wife is already in place.

My friend says this continues to be the hardest thing he's been through, but said in his experience what we've discussed about the MLC process has been very accurate, and continues to be accurate.

[Mamma Bear]

  Send him on over here DGU

[Dontgiveup]

He knows about this site and we discuss articles, but he is not a big internet user.

[BraveNewWorld]

Hi DGU,
            Thanks for the update about your friend. Hope you're doing well too. You nearly always sound like you are

Please could you point me in the direction of Limitless' post ... I tried searching for it, but couldn't find it easily.

Friendship is a hard thing for me at the moment. I've hardly seen my wife since she left a few weeks ago. She has emailed and called a couple of times, but I find myself without a voice. I'll try to write something about it on my own thread soon. I'm a bit concerned about it to be honest. Time will probably improve things. God knows what my boys make of it all.

BNW

[Dontgiveup]

BraveNewWorld

I am doing fine......like most LBS, I have bits of loneliness and miss my marriage.....but the process continues.

The post from Limitless was today in eternity's thread.

[Dontgiveup]

I heard a brief MLC return story from someone I don't really know yesterday.

I was at a work related dinner and sat next to a guy, my best guess he is in his 60's.  We were just chatting....small talk.....and he asked me if I was married.  I told him no, but that I had been and gave him probably a 15 second explanation.....I did not use the term midlife crisis.

He asked me if I was hoping for reconciliation and I answered yes.  He immediately told me a story about one of his business partners.  He said his business partner's wife had a midlife crisis and moved out for two years.  She came back once and then left again (he didn't say how long she left the second time).  He said she has come back again and that his business partner has told him things are going well this time.

The speaker then began to talk, so that was the end of our conversation.

[limitless]

Another story.
This one from a customer (through work).
His wife announced right after Xmas in '09 that she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.
Packed up the kids and moved to another state (where her family lives). 
Husband followed - so that he could be near his kids.
They divorced.
Fast forward to present.
They still see each other when they hand off the kids.
On Memorial weekend - he meet with her to exchange the kids.  She states that the biggest mistake she ever made was to divorce him.

Unfortunately - he's still angry.  Hasn't forgiven - definitely hasn't forgot.
Says that, just now, he is able to look at her and not want to wring her neck.  Says that she hurt him so deeply, he will never let anyone get close to him again.

Sounds like the wife is at the regret stage...and husband hasn't done the work - to let go of his anger and hurt  - enough to have the door open for possible reconciliation.

Crazy thing is - she obviously is not happy - he obviously is not happy.

Suggested that he take some time to release his anger.  That maybe, after he let go of the anger, he may feel differently.

Not exactly a return story - but another example where the LBS is the one making the final decision.

Limitless

[What Next]

I think this may be an MLC reconciliation story, not too sure as ironically H told me this during the week.

He has been telling me about the various places his work took him while he has been away and mentioned some of the nicest, down to earth people were at the railroads in Melbourne. During one of his visits he got talking to a man (H claims this was all unsolicited) who told H his marital tale. Wife left him for someone else when they were both in their late thirties. He was devasted and was stuck for a very long time but eventually after four years he decided to ask her for a divorce because he saw no hope and just wanted to move on.

So he rang her and he was thrown when she invited him to dinner on Christmas day, he went and somehow they talked about reconciliation rather than divorce and they have now been together for almost another 20yrs.

H told me this without blinking and when I asked him what he thought he just said it was 'odd' how the guy just opened up to him!

I give up!

[Bewildered]

Another one...

A chap I indirectly worked with had lunch with me in Jan 2008 , his invitation,and told me - (we were not friends or ever before had lunch on anything  so not close just worked on a project as part of  a wider team )...

I am leaving the city to work in London - got a new job as X and blah blah - I was amazed as his current job was very unique and prestigious and he'd been (honestly) lucky to get it as he wasn't as good at it as he should be and he earned a lot of money and the place he now worked - he was a king pin ?? So I aisled why he said he'd left his wife of 25 years and was 'in love ' with his again first girlfriend he'd reconnected with via facebook.

He had never felt so in love and happy this was the bliss hour bu hour of every day then he (inappropriate or what) told me intimate details of great the sex was - I was sat their in embarrassment and had to say OK x too much information but he was on a roll, in his world they were 17 again and she rang twice whilst we had lunch and he cooed on the phone and it was ick!!
Off he went I didn't see him for a year then I was doing some work with his new company and we met up for a coffee,  he was still in bliss ...?
Feb 2009
two months later he phoned me for some advice but he didn't leave his number and I didn't have his new mobile so it took me some time to find it and when i eventually called (also wasn't in a hurry) he poured out his drama of present day the OW had left him she said he was a selfish and spoilt man who was one dimensional ...
He was horrified and missed the coffee machine (yes that is his exact words) he was lonely and didn't know what to do .. I said just concentrate on your job and spend some time with yourself and get to do some fun things with friends in the city?
Fast forward two weeks later     
He phones he has met two women one at work and one in his apartment building he's a wreck he's in love wit them both and the sex is amazing with them both and he can't decide which one he should live with ..?

I say Oh what a dilemma and don't you think this is not a good thing? he says I know but as long as I can keep them from knowing about each other I'm good - I am thinking he is nuts and distance myself from him
June 2009
my H and I part
Jan 2010
I discover the site and forum .. i start to try and understand MLC
March 2010
He phones me again .. he has lost his job and is moving back to his old home area and has realised he loves his wife and is going to ask her to have him back .. hes been a fool
I ask about his other two women
he says Oh they were nothing just a bit of fun its my wife I want so he is so happy because he has made his mind up
I will ask Wife for forgiveness and we will be fine and dandy ..
Don't hear anything ....

Jan 2011
Friend phones me ... he saw her for a drink his life is wonderful he went to see wife and she told him No ... he was sad for a while .. but now he had a new flat and was setting up on his own and was so happy ..
June 2011
wife divorces him he has taken up with my friends friend a widow who is very shy and not used to men (as friend puts it especially not like X)    He is wining and dining her flowers chocolates etc
She adores him they are in love and are moving in together
this new relationship has been going on for 2-3 months

His wife told my friend he is crazy and she could not believe he could know on the door with suitcase and say I love you sorry can i come home ?? She said he had hurt her too much and asked him to go away
he has been difficult with her over the divorce but finally accepted it over

June 2011
He calls me he tells me he is so happy now he is with his soulmate the love of his life , etc
 I say oh good so how about X the previous loves of your life and he say , Oh no they were not they didn't make me happy I was pretending but with Y well this is honest and forever - ?? His MLC continues I guessing his wife's - No sent him reeling back into replay but my friend is worried her friend will get hurt but what can she do this MLC man is acting the prefect suitor and my guess is he needs her emotionally and financially too as she is going to pay half of everything (she says he said no but agreed it gave her independence)
the saga continues ..

[Glimmer]

I heard this from a family member of a client I visit.  This man's friend contacts him every few months for a night out.  His wife left him a number of years ago.  He tried to move on and met someone else. His WAS was not happy that he was doing exactly what she had done.  She looked for excuses to keep going back to the house, and eventually they got talking and she asked if she could come back home.

 They have apparently been 'back' together for a few years, but have not resolved their issues.  I don't know how frequently, but every so often his W leaves again, only to return a few months later to try again.  Hence this is when he contacts this man for a night out to drown his sorrows.  This man said to me that his friend had asked if he wanted to go out, so his wife must have gone again, because it is the only time he sees him.

It doesn't seem as if either of them have moved forward enough to resolve any issues.

This man told me that he can't remember a time when they have not been like this. How sad that they obviously want to be together, but have no idea how to work through their problems.

[Dontgiveup]

So....spent some time with my friend.  He shared a few things about recent contact with his ex-wife.

She has mentioned that she is not getting along well with her family, and has no friends.  She also no longer likes the area she lives in and says she is lonely.  Several weeks ago, she told him about her regrets.  She has cut back a little on frequency of communication with my friend.

I told him if I had to guess, it sounds like the light at the end of the tunnel has become visible.  I don't know for certain, but she seems to be now seeing the consequences of her behavior......she is seeing the damage.

Stay tuned.

[rover77]

Interesting stories.

[Gardenia]

I do not know any of the details here but this was in my inbox from a friend. . . . . . .


**There is a common thread that I see in the restored marriages..."uncondtional love". You first have to surrender yourself to God, then surrender your spouse to God, and then you love them with the love that JESUS loves...No accusations, No ultimatums, No threats, No demands! You just love them and expect God to bring them home because:......LOVE NEVER FAILS!~~~~ XXXXXXX~
 
One day we received a phone call from a couple asking if they could stop by on their honeymoon. Of course they could! We were thrilled!
We had been standing with Ann for 8 years. Her husband had divorced her and married another woman with whom he had several children. Ann and her children had been waiting for Daddy to come home, even though this is not a popular stand. But, God's Word does say, I will make them one flesh, and they will never again be two. So she waited and prayed.
One night she received a phone call from her husband Bill, asking if he could come visit her and the children. His second wife had left him, and one day as he was watching "700 Club" he recommitted his life to Christ. WHen he called them, they advised him to seek God's guidance. The more he read the Word and prayed, the more he became convinced that Ann was the wife of his youth and his only wife.
When Bill visited Ann and the children, he got down on his knees and asked her to remarry him. She was ecstatic when she called us that same evening to tell us the news. They were remarried by a justice of the peace, because as Bill declared, "The state took us apart, the state can put us back together." And together they are. Bill's children from his second marriage visit them regularly.

God does bring beauty from Ashes!!!

[Rookie13]

Welcome Rover! It's Tim, lol. I still pop on LT but for some reason I can't post as the "captcha" doesnt appear at the bottom any more? any ideas on that?

Anyways, great MLC site here!

[LettingGo]

Rookie... you should be posting here.... LG

[hampc0cv]

Dont give up,

Do you know how long it had been since his wife left.  To me this helps to know how long someone has been gone and then returns.  It gives me hope.  I feel like I have been waiting forever and no signs of return yet.  I hope it will happen but then I get to thinking that he is thinking he has made the right decision.  I keep hoping he will say something to my daughters but they have not said anything.  He really doesn't see them much but he has out of the blue called them a few times. 

Just needing some hope right now.  Had a bad weekend.

[Dontgiveup]

Hamp

She left 3 years ago.  His ex-wife has not yet returned.  She has been in consistent contact with him now for about a year....but divorce to other man was just final about a month ago.  I do think the light at the end of the tunnel is visible, but as we know that shows the damage.  Even now, speed cannot be his goal.

[Standing in Patience]

Was visiting with gfriends recently and broached the subject of mlc as several women were in the range of 35-65. Several said, "oh I think my sister's h had had one" or like "my neighbor's w left her h for a younger man." Interestingly, the first one sounded like mlc. He had a torrid affair with a neighbor's w in a very small town. "Everyone" in town knew about it. Affair partner woman was flaunting herself all over town. H moved in with w and her children. It lasted over a year but less than 2 yrs and it was over after the affair partner ditched the h. H asked to come home over the phone.

[Trustandlove]

I've just heard about some stories from my parents' generation....  one of my uncles actually had what must have been an MLC affair; the woman in question divorced her H for him, but my uncle ended up not leaving his wife.  This must have been nearly 40 years ago now.  My uncle is still married to original wife; unfortunately the OW (whom I know) is still on her own.  She's made a life for herself, but that was a defining moment....  she's had to live with that all along.  She has no other close family, either. 

And someone told me without mentioning names about a set of couples in their social circle (they didn't mention names because I probably know them) where two tried to swap partners....  apparently it threw everyone around them for a massive loop, again something like 20 years ago.  I don't know how long it took, probably years, but everyone went back to original partners..... 

That was part of discussion on how the ripples from someone's MLC are huge.....   

[Trustandlove]

OK, I don't know if this belongs here; perhaps stories like this need their own thread.  Do the moderators have a view??

I just had lunch with an old friend; she was once married to someone I knew, we used to be close, I am godmother to one of her daughters....   but we don't keep in touch very well.   She left that H many years ago, but I never knew the circumstances. 

Anyway, she was passing through, and we met for lunch.  When all this happened to me she had written and said that she felt that she had had an "early" MLC, which she referred to as her "head up her a*** period".   She sent me details of the Laura Munson book at that time.  I asked her about it today.

What she described fitted the script perfectly.  She was in her early 30's, wanted "passion", like in the movies....  she thought it was her H's fault.  Turns out she was a clinging boomerang; she came and went many times; finally her H called an end to it.  She said that if he hadn't she would have done it many, many more times.    I don't think he waited very long, certainly not years. 

I remember that time, I remember just absolutely not understanding how a mother could leave her 2 young girls.....   it just seemed so bizarre.  And I didn't even particularly like her first H. 

Her H didn't stand, in the end.  But he got to decide.   She said that she hadn't wanted a divorce (again, script....); in the end he did divorce her. 

What was most interesting, however, was that she said that if she had known then what she knows now she would still be married to him, and what's more, her current H (who is a nice man) would still be with his first wife.    He wasn't her MLC affair, btw.  They met much later.  She didn't go into details about whether or not she had had an A, just said that she "had had a plan." 

I asked when she felt she woke up....  she said it was quite a long time later.  She said it was only more recently that she really started looking at herself, at being able to express her needs, and at being able to meet others' needs. 

She says that she often misses first H, that she lies in the bed she has made.  Now in her case it's a decent bed; she is happy in her new r, but has no contact with former H unless it's a milestone for one of their daughters.   And in the end she regrets it (even though she doesn't miss her former in-laws...)

She also told me that what we do as Standers is the right thing.  That she needed a firm had at that time, that appeasement doesn't work.  And she also said that this (my) story isn't over, not by a long shot. 

Just very interesting.  I found it positive, actually. 

[Butterfly]

Trust and love
Did she mention a time frame of the whole thing? What specifically about your situation did she say?
Any suggestions?

Butterfly

[Shantilly Lace]

Link to LuvYourself's story

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1258

[LettingGo]

finally her H called an end to it.  She said that if he hadn't she would have done it many, many more times.    I don't think he waited very long, certainly not years. 


HE called an end to it, so she didn't have an option to come home...He divorced her. SHE says she would have done it many more times.... that doesn't mean forever... but possibly it would have taken her several trial to come home completely... so "doing it many more times" is appropriate if it is what the MLCer needs to do  to GET HOME>

I'm sorry, but I feel this is a story of what happens when the LBS does NOT stand, and when the MLCer is interrupted in their process with a divorce, etc. She has admitted that both she AND her new husband would rather be with their old spouses....

I don't know about you, but that feeling would ONLY be acceptable if my or my OP's spouse died.... I don't want to be married to a man who says "I love you and want to marry you... because my first wife is not available..." but that's just me.

I appreciate the post... but the sentiment of your friend is not so valid.. in my opinion.

[Trustandlove]

LG,

Yes, it IS a story of what happens when the LBS does not stand.  That is why I wondered in the first place if it belonged here; perhaps it really should be moved to it's own or a more appropriate thread.

You are she didn't have the option to come home, as her H didn't stand.  I don't think much time passed before he ended it, actually.  And he remarried very quickly. 

She married her current husband before she came to all these conclusions.  It's an odd situation in that regard;  She didn't exactly say she would RATHER be with her old spouse, she was saying that if they had both known then what they knew now they would still be married to their former spouses.   

She didn't go into detail about her current H's situation, I get the impression that he never had the option to come home, either. 

That said, they have made a good life for themselves together, and are happy.  She does say that she teaches her own girls constantly that you can't expect someone else to make you happy, and everything else along those lines.  She also says that despite a successful second marriage, she does think that she did wrong, that it was selfish, too hard on the kids, all that. 

What she was telling me was that standing was the right thing to do; what it was also telling me was that this IS a process, and that it takes a lot of time.  She was also saying that the MLCer shouldn't be coddled too much.  Pretty much everything we are taught here.   

THAT is what I took heart from. 

LG and anyone else, this really may be more appropriate on a different thread -- I won't be at all offended if it is moved, as it isn't a return story.  It's just another one to show that the MLCer does have regrets in the end, and is intended as a support to standers. 

[Shantilly Lace]

You're wrong it is a return story. She would have if she could have. This isn't a reconciliation thread but where the MLCer wakes up and wants to return. Which she admits. If they knew now they would be...
It belongs

[OldPilot]

I agree just keep it here.

[LettingGo]

appreciate the post... but the sentiment of your friend is not so valid.. in my opinion.

I need to clarify, and maybe it's just me... it's the sentiment that her husband putting his foot down was necessary for her straighten up that I wonder about... when did he put his foot down? After he divorced her? What would be the point? So, if he applied "tough love" prior to the divorce, it did NOT cause her to wake up and come home, because he divorced her. Was he putting his foot down and when she straightened up and tried to come home he decided "NO"?

Was it the divorce that made her realize she wanted him after all but it was too late? Maybe she sees him divorcing her the only way he was going to stop her from her MLC....in that case, then half the country has got it right, LOL!! I guess a divorce is one way of saying "hey, I'm not going to put up with this any more" but it seems an extreme way to make that point, and he still didn't want her back...

So, what it seems like to me, is that she had these insights once she woke up from her MLC nap, and had regrets.... Now her new husband is benefitting from her personal growth. I can also imagine the guilt of bad behavior could lead one to believe that they didn't deserve love or compassion given what they are doing "coddling"... my husband says he doesn't feel "deserving", so maybe that's why he bolted again last weekend.... too much guilt and not enough deserve, LOL!! But the MLCer doesn't EVER "deserve" to get to come home if we are in judgement of them...they can NEVER "make up" for the destruction they've wrought... it's water under the bridge.

It's not for me to say how someone else has experienced something.... I just wonder about the idea that ultimatums are actually what brings them out of it... I can actually see that as they live in a total fantasy life, the reality that they might lose you if they continue on is necessary, but I don't think it has any affect at all in the beginning or middle stages of MLC.... I tried tough love on my MLCer many times... recently, even, and it caused him to panic and make a premature return, so I guess it worked in a sense, but he wasn't all the way ready for the FINAL return. It's not a CHOICE for him.... he's now in a panic (I'm fine with it) because he feels he's losing me and making it worse because he can't stop the addiction... it's a little too soon...

I also agree this story belongs here, and I'm glad you posted it...

[Trustandlove]

Well, this may not clarify, but here's what she said.  For the record, I'm really sorry I didn't grill her more on this -- if I get a chance to talk to her I will, and will post the results here...

As I understand it, he just decided upon one attempted return that he wasn't having it any more.  It is possible that she was told during one return that if she left again that was it.  Again, I'm sorry I didn't ask more...   So I'm not sure if that is tough love, it sounds like he was just done.   

What she said was that him putting his foot down stopped her from backing and forthing, which she knows that she would have continued to do otherwise.  Well, yes it would stop that, -- he had closed the door.  I don't actually know how long it was open for; I get the impression that not very long. 

Regarding 'waking up'; she never wanted to divorce, so it wasn't that which made her 'realise' that she wanted him per se.  I think you are right in that she got to these insights only after her 'nap' (well put, that...).  And yes, it would seem that her current H is benefiting.  As is she from his insights. 

So in that sense it's a different story; we hear so many about the MLCer being miserable for the rest of their lives.  She isn't, but she does say that this wasn't the way to do it.   That she wishes she had known how to ask for what she needed back then, rather than just expect that it would be provided. 

But in her case the LBS really did close the door, so in truth he doesn't care.    So no, the ultimatum didn't 'do' it.    And he didn't stand at all, so in that sense is very different from us.   I'm not sure if he ever did any mirror work, as he found a new wife quickly and just went on. 

[LettingGo]

What she said was that him putting his foot down stopped her from backing and forthing, which she knows that she would have continued to do otherwise.  Well, yes it would stop that, -- he had closed the door.

Yes, that was my point! It really only stopped her because she had no choice... but it didn't necessarily wake her up... that's all I mean, because sometimes we get fixated on how we should give them "tough love" and with all of the pressure from the outside world to "Not let him get away with this.... find your self-respect.... make him stop" as if just being more ANGRY or FIRM will do the trick, haha!

Hey, I'd like to stop the back and forthing, and divorcing would do that, but then I'd have to find a new husband, LOL!! I guess divorce was her husband's way of setting a "boundary" for himself. You said he moved on pretty quickly and I think that's typical of men... just like when they are widowed and remarry within a year... seems more like a security blanket and I would then question how much the marriage meant to them if they can just move on so fast... in the case of widowed men, often it is just that they are elderly and life is short and they want a companion and combined social security checks, that's all...

I don't think you have to put your friend on the hot seat and grill her for more info unless you are just curious.... This is an interesting convo.... because as Shantilly pointed out, the MLCer DID want to return (or might have wanted to return, we don't know for sure and neither does she) but wasn't able to. It could be that she is just regretting the way she went about it... I feel that way about my first husband and how I left him... I'm glad we're not married, but I'm sorry we divorced, and sorry for my part in it and for his hurt and dissapointment... I could have handled some things differently.

[StandandDeliver]

I would then question how much the marriage meant to them if they can just move on so fast

I look at it a bit differently - perhaps the H knew nothing about MLC, and felt as low as we all did at BD, but rather than coming to the conclusion that this is a problem with the cheating partner, he felt his ego nose-dive, didn't have any means of dealing with it etc. I mean I was lost when H left me. I really didn't know about MLC and I just felt the rejection and the the cold uncaring behaviour and believed that there was something innately wrong with me that someone would hate me so much to cheat, abandon and spew. If I had not found this site and analysed H's behaviour in the context of crisis behaviour, I would have been vulnerable to a new relationship if I found a person who told me that my H was crazy.

In fact, shortly after H left I went out one night and met a group of friends and started chatting to a single guy in particular, who I did not know. I told him that my H had left me and at the end of the night he told me he thought I was lovely and although he didn't know me or my marriage, his impression was that I was not the sort of woman a man would ever want to let go. He asked me to dinner and the cinema and gave me his telephone number. I never followed up on it (it was literally a week after H left that this happened), but if I had not found out about MLC and this had happened a few months after MLC I may have accepted the invitation to date. Not because my marriage was not important to me, but because I would not have known that there was any possibility that my H's decision was driven by crisis and that he might change his mind. I might have been vulnerable to finding someone. Now, that is not to say that that would have been emotionally healthy - but the only reason I can look at this objectively now is because I have read and read, and read some more, on here and started to do the work on me and aim for detachment.  Having been rejected and abandoned, I would not necessarily be too quick to judge someone whose reaction was not tempered by a growing knowledge of MLC and the process.

Even now, I sometimes wonder about dating. And my marriage was the most important thing in the world to me along with my children. But there are no guarantees that ALL MLCers will return and I also only have one life too, it worries me that I could pass up the opportunity to meet a wonderful person while I wait around for H on the off chance he decides to return. But unlike MLCers I don't really believe in soul-mates  - one person in the world that we are meant to be with more than anyone else - I do believe in profoundly deep love, companionship, friendship and working at relationships, commitment, shared history, romance but I dont think that there is only one person in the world that that can happen with for each of us. I would prefer to have my R with H because we had those things and I certainly never planned to have those things with anyone else. But if he never comes back or takes to long I am not putting my life on hold forever and if I meet someone and form a friendship that becomes love then I will leave my H behind, without ill will - in fact with the hope that he does one day find himself - but I won't feel bad about it because I did not break the marriage - and even in MLC the person does still make choices.

Wow didnt mean to be so long-winded and this isnt even a return story

[Still]

S&D,

That was well-said. I think your response was so reflective of what many of us feel. I think when we have received the ultimate rejection for so long, we could become very vulnerable to the attention of someone else. As an LBS, the road can be very lonely. Even when we fill our lives with activities, jobs, child-rearing, volunteering, social activities, there is always that moment when we feel utterly alone. It takes a lot of mental retraining not to let that take you to a dark place.

In every situation, there is the potential for the MLC'er to return. Not only to return, but to return a better person. In all the many, many stories I have heard, I can only think of one case where the spouse exited MLC and was not a changed person for the better. Of course, you have to wonder if they truly exited MLC or were a perpetually stuck case.

For me, my history with my h was so full of good things, challenges we weathered together, and children we have been raising/raised. I can't see myself starting over with someone else. Maybe some day I will feel differently. Only God knows.

[hobo1]

S&D
I agree with you.  I am a husband LBS'er, I would hate for any LBS'er to judge another for moving on.

There is no guarantee of MLC'ers return, if the LBS'er finds someone else who can make him/her happy, there is no shame in doing just that.

MLC'ers feel life is short, life is short for the LBS'er too.

If I was an MLC'er, and left my wife, and treated her like crap, then I will be willing to accept the consequences.  IF she found someone who can treat her well and make her happy, I will have no one to blame but myself.

 

[Dontgiveup]

Hobo

You are correct, it would be hard to judge another LBS for moving on....but something should be added to that....and it's part what Standing is about.  Moving on would need to be at the proper time.

The failure rate of second marriages applies to LBS also.  Leave the "finding someone else to make you happy" to the MLCers.  An understanding of MLC includes the understanding that they are blaming external sources (like the spouse) for their unhappiness......while looking for an external source (OM/OW) for their happiness.  Doesn't work.

Life may be short.....but it will be shorter if the Unconditionals are not learned.....which is part of Standing.

MLCers cannot see consequences during MLC......that's why regret doesn't come until after.

I blamed myself after bomb drop as well.  It's a result of buying into the Projection of the MLCer.  You've got to stop that and continue learning about MLC.

[truth_seeker]

I blamed myself after bomb drop as well.  It's a result of buying into the Projection of the MLCer.  You've got to stop that and continue learning about MLC.

DGU

I completely agree with you!  We should continue learning about MLC and part of that learning is the Self-focus process which is instrumental to our well-being.  Wasn't RCR who said that the Self-focus area is the least visited articles yet they are the most important?  I must admit I wasn't so quick to read them and only just recently begun to reread them.  Instinctively I had been doing this but didn't really realize how important they really are.   

[Still]

MLCers cannot see consequences during MLC......that's why regret doesn't come until after.

DGU,

We have seen this time and time again in MLC cases. I think it is so important for the LBS to remember.

This isn't about us, we didn't cause it and we can't cure it.

[ece711]

Hobo

You may have hit on something here, I do understand what you are pointing out.  And DGU the key as you said is "Moving on would need to be at the proper time."  This is where the word "Balance" comes in.  The goal is to get ourselves back, where we don't get affected with what they do with their new partners,and get to a point where the fear of them not coming back or divorcing us rules the way we would live our lives.  When we reach that stage and love finds us and who knows it could be our MLCers then the relationship could start from the ground up.



(EDIT: I thought this was posted in the wrong thread, so I moved it. It's back where it started; Sorry about the confusion. -SS)

[truth_seeker]

Here's a blog from a woman who D her H and later reconciled.  If you have some time I recommend reading some of the articles.  There is always hope.  No guarantees but always hope.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile

[Buggy31]

TS
I'm adding direct links to her story.  This is some interesting insight into a mind of an MLCer.  She had clear triggers.  Also an example of how someone can be "smart and educated" and yet an OW.  Anyway I highly recommend.  THanks TS


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile/201101/boomerang-the-short-story-divorce-reconciliation-and-remarriage

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile/201011/amazing-grace

[Gardenia]

I do not know if this is a MLC restoration, but it is a restoration none the less. It is a free video on vimeo. I want to share this video because this restoration story is a good example of what happens when someone tries to "move on" too fast without working on themselves and how God can fix the craziest of situations.

http://vimeo.com/18786966

[StandandDeliver]

Gardenia, I agree with your point about the not working on themselves. I was a little surprised by the lack of remorse the H seemed to display for his role, he admitted to being "unforgiving", but he did not suggest that maybe he should be asking for forgiveness for his role in the disintegration of a family, but then it seems like he would never have gone back to the marriage if the wife had not sought him out.
It is hard to tell if it was MLC for this family (I am sure it was a crisis of some sort), but they did not mention an affair, which is usually one of the signs of MLC (most MLCers can't handle being alone).

I do think we need to work on ourselves so that we are able to make good decisions for our children and for our own lives.  If H ever decides to return I am willing to apologise for my shortcomings and failings in the marriage (we were at a point where we were not really nurturing each other, either). Nonetheless, I do think it is the height of cowardice not to give a woman who has just had babies, has fluctuating hormones and sleepless nights for months, the benefit of the doubt (or maybe even see that the time has come to nurture her and "give" a little in the R. My H had my UNFAILING support and nurturing for 10 years before we had our first baby. I was not perfect but I was always there for him when he was in need. After our children (especially our 2nd, where he was entering transition, if not crisis, but I didn't know it), when I literally begged him to take some time off work to help me out, he acted as if I was a huge inconvenience and was always putting pressure on him. The truth was in the proceeding years I almost never asked him to put me before his career. In fact the truth is that there were a couple of occasions when I did and he was "unable to", very apologetic and I accepted that, even though with hindsight there was no good reason for it. I guess I feel that my marriage was a lot of me giving and H just taking for granted. There is an irony that many MLCers feel that they were taken for granted in the marriage, but as my friend said it works both ways; you get what you give. We were both at fault for the communication break down, but he was ultimately at fault that the relationship ended because he so selfishly put himself above the marriage, me as a person and the welfare of our beautiful children. He continues to do so and sometimes I think he doesn't really deserve to have such great kids.

When I think about these things I do wonder if he ever loved me or if he loved what I could offer him when I put him first. I worry that maybe he does score quite high for narcissistic tendencies. I just don't know anymore. I guess that is why we must focus on ourselves and try to be the best people that we can be, and stay true to our values and trying harder than before to address the areas in ourselves where we do not live up to them all the time.

[Chrysalis]

StandandDeliver

So much of what you say resonates with me.  My ex has had a few serious illnesses over the past few years which have also caused depression.  I looked after him through all of these, as I would obviously expect to do.  However, last year when my mother was very ill and I was really worried about her, his way of supporting me was to have an affair with an old flame and then tell me about it in the office!

Unfortunately my mother is again really unwell.  She is ninety but she is still my mother.  I told him yesterday in the office and he just said "I'm sorry to hear that" in a very flat tone.  He saw her most days for nearly sixteen years but now really isn't bothered.  He was also really worried about my going through the menopause as he was worried about how I would be and how it would affect him!  No wonder he chose someone who is well over menopause age as an OW (although I think he thinks they are back in their twenties....).

[StandandDeliver]

Oh Chrysalis, so sorry to hear about your Mum. How awful for you to have that going on. They are soooooooooooooooo self absorbed. I mean, it is one thing to not want to stay married, it is another to just stop caring altogether. I will never get it.

[Chrysalis]

Thank you so much Stand and Deliver.  It is so nice that there are caring people around.  Sometimes it is easy to forget that when confronted with the horrors of MLC!

[Standing in Patience]

Sounds like -- maybe??? Saw a friend I haven't seen in years. Asked about her family members and she recounted that her older sister at the age of 49 was having a rough time over the last two or three years. Obviously, we haven't caught up in a very long time. Anyways, she said her older sister's husband left her to shack up with her best friend. Within a few months, the "best friend" went back to her own husband. The sister's husband went to a second OW. His awakening happened within two years. Before that time was over, friend's older sister decided to move on without him and divorced him on the grounds of adultury and abandonment. He wanted so bad to go back to his "old" life, but there was no going back. The return story was the first OW decided to go back to her original husband and now they are happy. Well at least one couple made it through, I suppose.

[unbroken]

And another LBS has the final say...

[Dontgiveup]

Exactly right, loveisntweakness.

......quick update on my friend (with the ex-wife in MLC).  Not necessarily a big deal.....but not insignificant either.  She signed an e-mail to my friend "love", then her name.  My friend said it's been about 2 1/2 years since the last one he can remember that she signed using the word love.  It was before she married the other man (who of course she is now divorced from).

[Buggy31]

ooooooh I really really hope I get to have a say...really

whatever that may be 

No expectations

Just sayin 

[Patience]

I have some alone time today so I am happy to post two stories I know about.

The first was told to me directly.  I work with a woman in her 70's.  I don't see her often due to the nature of our schedules.  A few days before my H's return, I ran into her.  She complimented me on my weight loss.  For some reason I was compelled to tell her the reason for it.  I opened up and told her H had left, was having an affair, and was in a MLC.  She hugged me and said she understood it all.  Her first husband (now dead) had a MLC, an affair with a nasty, cruel woman (she would call my co-worker and taunt her), and left her with three small children when he moved into OW house.  After a few months or so (I don't know the exact time frames as we were both leaving for the day) he returned.  They remained together until he died.  She took care of him in his last months.  She gave me hope when I needed it.  A few months ago when I told her my H was back, she cried for me.  Her S's wife is also in the midst of a MLC and divorcing. 

The second story was told to me by the one friend I had that truly understood MLC.  She's a bit older and has seen it before.  Two couples she knows went through the same thing.  MLC, affair, move out, and one even divorced.  A couple of years past with each.  Both ended up back together.

[Patience]

I also forgot the story I know best.  My own father had a MLC of sorts when I was a teen.  He offered to talk to my H when I told my parents what was happening.  He seemed to understand it and empathize with husband.

I've blocked out a lot of that time period so don't remember lots of details to be honest.  I remember he left for several weeks. (there were 5 kids at home and money was TIGHT! I was not home often.) He refused to tell his parents as his mother would have killed him about it.  He moved in with his sister for a time.  He was drinking a lot.  He may have had OW.  There were rumors and fights about a particular woman (also married).  I don't know what brought him home.  I do recall going out and looking for him one night with my mother.  (as I've said, I've blocked a lot of those memories out)  My parents recently celebrated 50 years of marriage.  They are role models of the marriage vows for all of us as they have been through many hardships and celebrations. 

[Mitzpah]

Patience,
Thanks for posting these stories. I am looking for hope and these stories definitely give me hope.
I believe God is really giving me a hope as my tag verse below says even though my present circumstances seem to go against it.

[Dontgiveup]

Ok, update on my friend.  Disclaimer....this post is pretty long.

Nutshell story....my friend's ex-wife had an affair with former high school boyfriend....divorced my friend....married former boyfriend.....divorced former boyfriend....it's been 3 years since bomb drop....all this has happened in 3 years.  She told him she regrets what she has done, but has not expressed a desire yet to return.

She communicates regularly with my friend by e-mail.  In a recent e-mail, she told my friend that she still has her wedding ring from their marriage and it is a very important possession to her.  My friend is tired, weary, and frustrated with the process, but continues to Stand.  He contacted her and asked her if she saw a possiblity of the two of them talking about a future together.  She said yes.  That changed the next day.....sort of.

She didn't say she changed her mind, but she said this was too fast and too sudden.  She said in another e-mail that her emotions are all over the place.  She did tell my friend she has thought many times what it would look like to return to him.  Two of the specific concerns she mentioned were his family's acceptance of what she's done, and her uncertainty about being able to recommit to a relatinship with my friend.

I told my friend that I think these are very normal concerns for where she is.  If I had to guess, she is either just coming out of Replay, or hasn't been out very long.  She is reconnecting with my friend, but shows a lot of uncertainty and indecision.  The indecision is frustrating for my friend, but I told him that I think what she is saying is normal.....and how he feels is normal.

The following is from the article: Progress: Back, Limbo, Forward, Repeat:
The Rollercoaster is wildest at the beginning and end when they are making decisions. When he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the damage also becomes visible. It may be so great that he runs again. Or he sees the Love and Hope in his spouse and becomes afraid.
They see our hope and feel burdened and pressured and they are not yet ready and not certain that it will work. They feel it is better to not risk it; it is only much later that they either learn or admit their error and have the courage to rebuild.
MLC is about fear.

I told my friend that it seems clear she can see the light at the end of the tunnel.....she has talked about the damage caused.  The ride is getting wild again for him, because she seems to be at the end of the tunnel.....and her decision making is all over the board.  She has also mentioned she is overwhelmed and scared.  I think this is because she sees the Love and Hope in my friend.....and she is not sure.....which, again, I think is normal.

In the most recent communication, she told him she needs to slow things down.  Again, frustrating to my friend, but we discussed this from the article Wanting More:
If your MLCer seems to be taking the respectable route and taking it slowly, he is appreciating you as a Lady by understanding that a Queen doesn't want, need or respect a groveler, or she is respecting you as a man showing that she wants you and yet she is not your burden. You need to come to a place within yourself where you can offer your MLCer the same thing they are now giving themselves.
Asking for more is pressure. It will have the opposite intended result; your MLCer will pull away, complaining to you or to others that that every time he gives a little, all you want is more. He can only give in small quantities right now and your wanting more risks pressure and would constitute moving too fast. Ironically if he did more as you want, it may have less likelihood of working.

So that's where they are now.  She will pursue my friend, sometimes in subtle ways.  He has said a few things that would definitely be considered pursuing.  When he does, she pulls back.....says she needs time....isn't sure their relationship would work.....etc.

She first expressed regrets to my friend about 3 or 4 months ago.  She asks a lot about his family and "tests" for forgiveness and acceptance.  She has specifically mentioned fear and uncertainty very recently.

I told my friend that my opinion is that he will continue to need patience right now.  The rollercoaster ride does seem wildest at the beginning and the end.  For his ex-wife, she seems to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.....uncertainty and indecision have returned.  She is moving through the MLC process.

[OldPilot]

Tell him to think of her as a squirrel !

You know that story right DGU.

[trusting]

DGU, it is interesting to watch the MLC process through your friend.  I understand his weariness and impatience.  From what we have heard from those who are on the other side of the MLC, the post-MLC marriage is worth the wait.   She clearly does seem to be all over the place right now, so him maintaining distance is probably a necessity to keep himself grounded.  It would be for me, anyway.

[truth_seeker]

DGU - it's interesting to watch your friends R play out.  Very frustrating TBH.  Patience is certainly an understatement when it comes to MLC.

I came across a book about Marriages which have been reconciled and thought it might be of interest here.  In reading some of the stories they are clearly not all MLC but some are.  I can also see some of the issues they have faced in their R are very much the same as I have come to realize within my own R with H. 

The book is called:  "Can my marriage be Saved?  True stories of saved marriages" by Mae & Erika Chambers

Good read and helps keep the hope alive as well as hold a mirror to our own R. 

TS

[Trustandlove]

DGU, it seems she is following the script.....  even the returning part.  It is heartening to hear; actually, 3 years isn't even that long (yes, I know, my perspective), so it really may be that she is only now coming out of replay. 

And no, your post wasn't long, at least not by my standards....

Thank you for posting that; it is interesting watching it "live", so to speak. 

I know you are giving your friend the best advice possible.  The squirrel bit that OP said is right!

[Mamma Bear]

  Oh a new one.   I was telling a nurse I know about my situation with H. (she's a psych nurse here)   After listening to me explain about depression and MLC and paving a safe way home she says "Oh my Mom did that a couple of years ago!"   She left her husband and kids for a year. She said they didn't know where she was or anything. After a year she came back all remorseful and apologetic. She'd had an affair.  After that all heck broke lose on the psych unti and she had to go. I will try and find out more info 

[Dontgiveup]

Trustandlove

You are correct.  I have reminded my friend that 3 years really is the short side.  Of course, they are not reconciled, so the time frame is still going.  And he says 3 years doesn't feel on the short side of anything.

I will definitely agree on the script part.  For the most part, you could insert my friend's ex-wife's name in many of the articles.....and it would tell her story.  She is one of the few that married the alienator, but that has not seemed to alter the script at all.  As my friend would say, this information about MLC is unbelievably accurate.

I think what suprised me in her correspondence was that she said her emotions were all over the place and that she felt scared.  I thought she would keep that to herself, but she did not.

[Gallagher]

Just got back from celebrating my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary!  Altohugh they have a great marriage now, that wasn't always the case.

25 years ago my father in-law left my mother-in-law.  They lived in a very small town.  He moved about a block and a half away.  Moved into a camper on his mothers property. 

He was gone for two years!  Told my mother in law that he just needed to move out.  Wasn't sure what he wanted.  When she would ask him questions he would answer with "I don't know".  She never confirmed an OW.   Eventually he just moved back home.

She believes now that it was an MLC.  He lost his father when he was 11 to an accidental death (he was a logger).  His mother did not talk a lot about the death of his father.  Also, when father-in-law moved out, three of their 4 children had moved out of the home (facing empty nest).

I have a new sense of appreciation for my mother-in-law.  Can you imagine going through this crisis without support like we have now?

Anyway, he did come home.  They are happy and have a nice life together.

[Moving Forward]

I thought I'd add another story to thi thread.

I know a lovely lady through one of my best friends. Her and her husband had been married for 28 years, he worked abroad for many years and they have one (now grown up) son.

The husband started an affair and they split up for around 5 years - he lived a 'rock and roll' life and whilst she hasn't told me the details she said he did 'some really sad, bad underhand things.' They reconciled 3 years ago - he just seemed to slip back into her life (it appeared), he would come along to family events (as he had done previously) and they are living their life to the full.

I spoke with this lady last September at my  friend's birthday party and she said to me that her husband had had a MLC and she knew she just had to love him from afar and trust that they would reconcile - eyes on but hands off type approach. She said for me to expect (then)H behaviour to deteriorate before it got better and to plan for the worst but hope for the best.

She's a really chirpy lady and and her husband had just bought her a brand new sports car....much to the shock of her friends....this lady just winked at me and said she can ask for whatever she wants and she gets it as her husband has a lot of making up to do!! 'You'll understand that P she said, you of everyone will understand that'

This lady kept her tears private and continued to go to various parties and things that I'd always seen her at- she had a companion that she stepped out with to black tie events but he wasn't a 'boyfriend' and whilst he wnated more she was always honest about where he stood - as her friend.

P
xx

[Millvina]

Heard this story from a friend yesterday. Her H's Uncle abandoned his wife and 2 children (he was 45 at the time) and went to live in London with an OW. His wife never had a relationship with anyone else and would not hear a word said against him. She always said he would be coming back. 4 years later he did come back and they went on to be married for over 40 years until she died.

He is now in his 70s and has recently married again. His new wife is much, much younger than him and they have a 2 year old child! Not sure where this last bit fits in!

[Ibelieve]

Love that return story...

Thanks everyone for posting these stories. I come here to reread them when I am feeling depressed and thinking my H will never come back.  It really works, I am back to my thinking "I believe"!!! 

Ibelieve

[Little Chief]

T - that last bit is text book late life transition that I think Jim Conway discussed.  The midlife one is bad, but then they do go through another one late in life often due to death of a spouse.  Even Conway remarried after his W passed from cancer.

[Millvina]

LC oh my goodness! hopefully if H has one of those I won't be around to see it!! :-))

[Little Chief]

As death of a spouse usually precedes it, my guess would be no. 

[Moving Forward]

Hello all,
I have a story which is very close to home in that it is the story of one of my best friends who I've known for 23 years.

We would meet up very regularly and back in late 2007 she joined the Combined Cadet Force (part time Nay for civilians!!) here in the UK - her children were growing and starting to need her less, she had given up work to be a SAHM and had recently returned to work part time at her chidlren's school. She wanted to do soeemthing 'for her' to 'make up for what she'd missed out on' to 'hav fun' as she was married to a guy who 'loved her but she didn't know what her feelings were towards him' and who 'took advantage of her' ......a million other things which were a complete about face from the happy, caring, content lady I'd known for 18 years.
 
she threw herself into her newlife in the CCF and started to use FB loads, lose weight, change her friends and her started to go away on weekends with thi new, younger crowd. her husband was supportive as he just wanted her to be happy and he thought cutting her some slack would do the trick.

She started an affair in late 2008 with a guy who was a player and married. I was one of the fw people she talked to during this time and I tried to make her see sense to understand the impact of exactly she was undertaking but it fell on deaf ears and she continued to slide into a fantasy land. She was very secretive and very hyper and was delieriously happy whenever she spoke of her new life ....like a teenager mooning over a poster of the latest hunk...it was childlike and quite scary.

her affair was uncovered when her car was strewen with acid - the whole lid blew off and a destructive emotional time followed which lasted weeks. Eventually she and her husband decided to give their marriage another go (after her H beat upthe lover ...not nice but to this day he doesn't regret it).

I have often spoken to my friend about this episode in her life and she concurs with me when I say she is going through a MLC- as my knowledge has expanded on the issue I have shared things with her - she is one of my best friends and I want her to reconcile her actions and learn to forgive herself and live a healthy life.

During the time of her slide into crazy behaviours (2007) she has huge blanks in her memory, she drank too much to medicate her pain that she was feeling (numb the guilt and shame she said), she ran from being around people who wouldn't agree with how she was living her life (she told me she wouldn't take my calls because she KNEW I would 'talk sense' and she didn't have an argument or answer for why she was living this way....just HUGE justification for not wanting to work on her marraige/family life). She said she just wanted to be free of all responsibilty but in her heart she knew she was just running away and would never be happy in this life (but at the time she did not care about her family or the pain she just wanted to gt away as quickly as possible because she couldn't bear to be in that life anymorw).

I have spent a long time talking through the stages of MLC and she can see these stages in her life during that time.

My friend and her husband work very hard at their marriage and he has shocked me at how forgiving and loving he has been to rebuild his marriage. She has told methat their marriage whilst still work in progress is much better than it was before.

I remember seeing her during this time and feeling unsettled when looking at her because my sparkly, kind, bubbly friend was away with the fairies and I didn't know how to connect with her anymore.

She tells me that it is really only in the last year she has felt the clouds start to lift around her - she lost her sister in dreadful circumstances in June 2010 (her sister was unmarried and analcoholic) and she took this all in her stride but I was very worried that it would tilt her off the edge again. But it hasn't and whilst she huge sadness about her sister passing she knows the time they spent together during her 'crazy times' she and her were incredibly close and she knew that her sister loved unconditionally. She said it was the kindness of people towards her she remembers through everything and it is in the love that she was shown (by her husband, me, her sister plus one other friend) that she realises that she is a good person and worthy of being loved.

I have spent this evenin with my friend and she always talks about my exH and his MLC and she said she wishes that more people knew about MLC as she feels more marriages could be spared hell and heartache - I told her she was pushing at an open door!!

So, I'm not sure why I posted this story - maybe as a little torch being shone into the mind of a female MLCer who returned to her marriage after time away and is working hard to restore the trust within it.

Peace

P
x
 

[Stillpraying]

Thanks Moving Forward.
I think it is so valuable to have your friends's story on here to enable us to understand the 'other side' of MLC.  We all know too well what the LBS goes through but not so much the MLC'er apart from outward appearances.

Would your friend consider joining this community and sharing her story and knowledge with us?

SP

[Mitzpah]

MF,
That is a very inspiring story!! Thanks for posting it.

[Millvina]

Thanks for posting this story,  return story yes but more importantly one of the rare insights we get into MCL from the inside. What jumps out at me though is
 "she and her husband decided to give their marriage another go (after her husband beat up the lover......"
 Not exactly  'letting go' , 'detaching' etc. It has made me wonder what the outcome would have been if her husband had acted differently. I hate violence and am of course not advocating we all start behaving like maniacs but it made me wonder.
Stillpraying, maybe you could ask your friend. Was this incident really important or was it just knowing her H still cared for her?

[Stillpraying]

Stillpraying, maybe you could ask your friend. Was this incident really important or was it just knowing her H still cared for her?

Titanic, not my friend but Moving Forward's.  I'm with you though, it would be good to get more insight.

[Moving Forward]

Hello all,
I'll try and answer the questions posted.

regrding the OM being beaten up, my friend's husband acted out of pain and sheer hurt - the OM was quite disparaging about my friend when her husband confronted him and her husband just saw red.....to be fair it sounded like the fight from Bridget Jones' Diary but the OM was hurt. Shows what a scumbag the OM actually was in my view. My friend's husband has told me what was said but he hasn't told his wife (he wants to protect her feelings!). I have found that I have become a keeper of secrets since my exH's MLC started.

My friend's husband is a loyal and kind man who always put his wife and family first but his attention had been absorbed by a family issue and a problem with his dead father's will  and the negative impact it was going to have on his family. In retrospect this is one of the areas my friend's husband has had to let go....and in the process has learned a lot about himself.

When my friends decided to reconcile I can just remember relief that they had decided to give things another go - this was before I knew about MLC - I worry accasionally that she has been 'yanked' from her crisis and it may return but I have no control over this. Just enough knowledge and huge amounts of love for her to be her friend wherever she finds herself in the years ahead!

My friend's experience has helped me understand my situation better and also the mindset  of someone who is in the throes of an affair - she has never sugar coated our conversations! Neither have I. She has been an angel in disguise she really has. She was very worried that she would lose my friendship because I was now the LBS and my exH was having an affair (he left in October 2009). I know she feels huge guilt and shame about what she did.

The affair was uncovered in March 2009 - within a month they had decided to work on their marraige and did a course of Christian based marriage counselling together. I speak with my friend every week and see her normally once a month. We are told MLC takes time and I can see this reflected in my friend. We're two and a half years since uncovering the affair and she is still has dark times where she is very uncertain about what she wants from her life. The guilt she feels for the pain she has caused in HUGE (which is why she talks to me I think) and I am not comfortable asking her to join us on the Forum as she has never made any proactive attempt to come here despite knowing of the site etc. I think she is still very fragile emotionally - I see the old girl in her eyes more and more when I visit and this Forum has helped me help her and support her through the stages of her crisis.

The simple fact of the matter is that I don't believe she, her husband and their marriage is out of the woods yet - they are both working so very hard to change their behaviours and keep their new learned lessons in their daily life. There are times when we talk that she is saying all of the things she said before she started running away from her life....and I get a cold hard flashback of not just her but my exH too....it's amazing how your heart can just race and you can stop breathing beacuse someone has said words in a tone of voice which takes you right back!

I hope this helps, I'm sure I'll have other things to post as they hit me!

((hugs))

P
xx

[Barathy]

I have found RCR's blog very helpful and I still read it although as you will see my H did come home. Apologies for the length of my story.

H& I had been married for 25 years and I had begun to notice that our M wasn't what it had been our physical relationship had disappeared and H was becoming more difficult to talk to and very critical of me. My friends had noticed the last. I was scared to confront him but things were getting bad and so when one day he said that he thought we were having difficulties I was initially pleased that he'd raised it and said yes I agreed and what should we do about it. We talked a bit about spending more time together and then I fell suddenly and unexpectedly ill and ended up in hospital. After I came out we went on holiday for me to recover and H repeated the message but saying that he thought that there was nothing to be done. I made all the usual suggestions about counselling I went, H came once but lied throughout (I discovered later). It was at this point that I discovered MLC boards, learnt more about the mlc & realised that there was probably an OW out there.

I did some snooping & discovered that the OW was someone who I'd thought of as a good friend and that she & H had been having PA for 12 months & an EA for sometime before that. I was devastated & confronted H who had already been talking about leaving. I asked him whether I was correct & he said that I was. I said that I still wanted to work on our m but he said it was too late and he left to a flat found by the OW about four weeks later. I was in pieces, fortunately I have a very understanding employer who was incredibly supportive even paying for some counselling and some wonderful friends who supported me.

H was never mean, in fact he cried a great deal and apologised for being the way he was, which was in it's way very annoying. I could see that he was unhappy, he cut himself off from most of our friends and only saw the OW. I got legal advice and found that my position was poor. I was the main breadwinner and we have no children, H was entitled to half of everything including my pension & savings. I had no wish to divorce and financially I would be the loser so I did nothing. In the first year H did ask for a D I said that I didn't want it but if he did I would get the paperwork. He had no grounds which I did and in a way that was the beginning of the return. He said it was a big step and again I said not one that I wanted but he could let me know when he did, which he never did.

I worked hard at GAL and took up riding which I love and which provided the impetus for his return. After we'd been apart for a year H started to email me & we began to meet up for meals, sometimes out and sometimes at home. I just accepted these for what they were, which wasn't easy. Then I had a serious fall from a horse was in hospital abroad for 10 days and off work when back home for 3 months. H was till my next of kin and he turned up trumps calling me twice a day in hospital and shopping for me when I got back. At first I was too ill to be other than grateful but eventually I asked why he was still coming round when I was better.

There was a long and slow split from the OW which took another 6 months and after that another 6 months before we both thought we could live together again. We've been back together now for 16 months and so far its working. I am much more conscious of our relationship now and raise any issue as it occurs and he is much more open about his feelings. He still doesn't talk about it much, he says he felt it was another person who did those things and that he is grateful that I waited.

I think I became a stander by accident and it was very hard at times and I am conscious that we can not know what the future will bring but for me it was the right choice.
B

[Butterfly]

Thanks for sharing your story.

Butterfly

[limitless]

Barathy,
Thank you for the post.  What a story!

You will, most likely, get lots of questions!  Share what you feel comfortable sharing.

Your story is very encouraging.....and brings hope.

Limitless

[CrazyStuff]

Barathy, it is great that you have taken the trouble to post on here and I hope you will continue to do so.   You may have been a Stander by 'accident'; however, I suspect many of your actions - such as taking up riding - meant you were focused on healing yourself.     If you are able to do it I am sure we will gain much from your wisdom and knowledge, gained through experience, would be a welcome addition.        And hopefully we will also be able to support you as I am sure you realise that being back together is not usually the end of the healing process.   

If you feel able to share more with us then it might be best if you start your own thread.

Glad to have you here.


CrazyStuff

[Little Chief]

Barathy,

I've been having a rough afternoon, and you have helped cheer me up.  Thanks for sharing your story.

[xyzcf]

Thanks for sharing..we so need to here positive stories.

[Bewildered]

HI B,

I too can only echo a thank you so much for sharing your story ... it has many similarities to my own and others on this forum that as Limitless says - gives us all hope.

I wish you continued success with your life, marriage and horse riding (no more accidents I hope!!)

love B xx

[StandandDeliver]

Not a return story, but I have a friend who I am convinced is having a major MLC. SHe had a lot of tragedy in her life and is in her early 40s, she ups and leaves her H (with her children) and pursues the life her marriage was depriving her of. SHe talks about how big a drag her H was, how she had to look after him all the time and he offered her nothing and in the same breath talks about how awful it is in the big city alone with 2 small children and that it is so much harder than she expected (now that her husband's huge salary does not provide for her - a salary that he was earning for a very nice lifestyel while he was "doing nothing" and she was at home with the kids) She was unhappy, but I don't believe it was her husband that made her unhappy (you never know what goes on in a R, but he always struck me as a very kind gentle person) - I knew her for quite a long time before she left and she was never happy with her life and had suffered bereavement and a miscarriage within a year. The leaving was precipitated by a EA with a man she worked for. She says "nothing happened" (she means physically because emotionally she was in off the deep end), this boss was in a "very unhappy marriage" that she urged him to leave (he didn't - old money involved or something). She had "never experienced love like that before"  , "never really believed in love until she met him" and he was her (you guessed it) "soul mate". It didnt/hasnt come to anything and now she is living in a tiny apartment trying to make her single life work with 2 small children, no money and no stable job She goes back to visit her H (who has evidently been devastated by all of this) all the time. (boomerang). I went to stay with her at the start of the summer, not really knowing the details of their divorce, but it became clear to me very quickly (after knowing all the info on this site) that this is a MLC. I even believe she will return to her H (not 100% sure, of course, but that was my impression - she is lost and what she is going to find is that she had what she needed all along). Even if she doesn't go back, I believe she will have regrets. She seemed manic while I was there and not in a good way. It is so clear when you see it in someone else, and yet I still find it so hard to believe that it is the same sort of thing with my H.... So, not a return, but I actually think it may be. Also, just for newbies - when you meet someone you are NOT related to, or invested in, who is in MLC, it becomes SOOOO obvious that the person is not "balanced". THere will be other people who see it in your spouses. It may not be anyone you know, or who can tell you. (I would love to tell my friends H, but I just really don't know him that well at all and it would feel very out of place)

[StandandDeliver]

Btw, the friends H lost his job shortly after she left, but has tried to support her nonetheless - he didnt just stop paying for her (which suggests he is not the big waste of space she makes him out to be)

[Ibelieve]

Standanddeliver,

I was thinking about what you said about not telling your friend's H... If you were in his position (haha! you are) would you want someone to to tell you, if you didn't already know? You don't have to tell him you are LBS, unless you want to. You might just tell him that you have read allot about MLC and have seen this in his W. Then Suggest this site.  I know I would want someone to tell me. Because if I didn't find out on my own, I'm pretty sure I  would be divorced, heartbroken, and hating my H. And though I am heartbroken,  I am not divorced, and I do not hate my H because I believe he is in MLC.

What does everyone else think?

[Shantilly Lace]

I gently suggested to MF to look up MLC when he told me about what was happening with him and how he was becoming an om.
I didn't suggest this site though if he finds it... But I doubt it will happen.

So I would suggest it to him seeings as he is allowing her to come and go.

[StandandDeliver]

SL - I have thought about trying to contact him - the thing is he lives in another country, I don't have any contact info for him and I didn't really know him that well when I did live in the same city as him and my friend, so I would have to go to quite a lot of effort and it would not be a case of casually dropping it into conversation. If I could think of a reason to contact him (that she wouldn't know about) I would, but I just don't have anything! I agree that it might really help him. So, in theory I completely agree with you, I just don't know what to do without looking like I am making a huge effort to involve myself in his life...

[StandandDeliver]

sorry,  that was to I believe and SL

[Ibelieve]

Yeah, I have to agree with you on that. If you don't talk to him at all, and would not be running into him. It might be a little strange coming out of no where. Hmmm. Need to think about that one. 

[StillStanding]

What does everyone else think?

It's not a good idea to get involved with other peoples' relationships, especially when you have not been invited to do so.

Does this mean we can't help? Of course not! If you are asked your opinion or for your advice, there's obviously nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts, or pointing them to this site; this is how we all found ourselves here, after all.

Yes, it would be nice if someone had given me the information that I now possess, but I don't know that my having the information before now would have actually helped. How many books and TV shows and websites are devoted to strengthening or repairing marriages? And -- be honest now -- how many of them would you have seriously looked at before the bomb drop?

We're socialized to believe the "happily ever after" myth of relationships. If someone came up to me after my wife told me she was unhappy and wanted out and told me that she was basically crazy and having an EA with some guy she met on the internet? At best, I would have told them to mind their own business; at worst, I probably would have slugged them.

But when it comes down to it, the work that has to be done has to be done by us. And that can include the learning of ways.

[kikki]

SS - I totally understand what you're saying and I agree with you to a point.
Might be a female thing - but I'd lean more towards the 'sisterhood' thing and want to help.
If I had a female friend going through this stuff and I knew the H, I would without hesitation share my knowledge with him.
Tricky here though because he is overseas and not a mutual friend.

[Bewildered]

S& D

as the saying goes you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink ... I helped a very good friend who's H is def in MLC by telling her about the site she also Had a doctor tell her it was a MLC (He is studying MLC in Men has taken his from Jung's theories and is expanding them)
She says she understands but her actions seem to say she doesn't really ... the hurt has taken over and she is now in the position of having to move home (sell her home they both saved for 10 years to buy) and live in a tiny house with her D and she is very unhappy - hes moved in the OW her best Friend and her kids - 2 of them.

maybe he would listen maybe not but I don't  regret telling my Friend what i thought it was with her H - at least whilst she doesn't yet get it she stopped the divorce based on what I had said /show her etc - so maybe ??
My vote is to print out the sites main info for newbies and stick into the post to him (when you know his address) and add a post it note saying Maybe this will explain, help - I hope so Good Luck - you can sign it or not don't think that matters - its just a pointer to MLC info the rest is up to him ??
Just IMO I feel men are less likely to seek out explanations if I was the MLCer I think my H would have washed his hands of me by now ...

Love B xx

[Mitzpah]

B.
I totally agree with you...

Just IMO I feel men are less likely to seek out explanations if I was the MLCer I think my H would have washed his hands of me by now ...

In fact, my pastor, who is supportive of me, told me that when he thought of outing his own marriage, it was his wife's love for him that was instrumental in bringing him back - in his words, 'she loved enough for both of them' - and I think this is very much a feminine attribute. He [the pastor] says that the lighthouse analogy is very true.
With no disrespect for the male standers here, I observe that men do not have much 'patience' with MLC antics and easily move on, which is why I really admire our male LBS.

[Thundarr]

Thank you Mitz and Bewildered,

I think men are socialized not to accept "bad behavior" in women.  My older brother, who I do look up to, at first told me my W was going through a phase where she didn't want to have any responsibility but that she would be back.  Then, after she moved he said "You're a better man than I am if you would take her back now."  I guess I am.

[StandandDeliver]

Thundarr - interesting and i agree to a point, but when I see the behaviour many of male MLCers put up with in their badly behaving female alienater, I think that the definition of bad behaviour in women can be very elastic for many men - they put up with some shocking behaviour by the OW that the LBS would never have dreamed of engaging in - bizarre.

[Thundarr]

Hey S and D,

What I was referring to was in "normal" males, and we all know that MLCers are anything but normal.  The LBSers knew their H's would never put up with that behavior from them, but when they were together the MLCer was normal.  That's probably why the OW gets kicked to the curb when they start to come out of it.

[StandandDeliver]

Yeah, Thundarr - I know, sorry being a bit facetious! I hope you are right about the kicking to the curb bit!!

[free]

I love reading all of the return stories. For the most part, they are stories of great strength and forgiveness. My own father went through his significant mid life crisis around age 55, after 34 years of marriage. I was newly married and living far, far away, when my mom phoned to say "Your father left". Indeed, my dad left. He bought a boat, and went sailing for 9 months, not bothering to notify anyone (even his best friends) of his intended destinations. I think one of his work buddies got a post card 10 weeks in, something about my father being alive and well in Central America. He returned, and moved in with his secretary from work ... a divorced woman 15 years younger than my dad. And then, he served my mom with divorce papers. And never spoke with her again. He married the secretary, but after my moms death, he confided in my uncle that he wished he had never left my mom. I realize now that this big, powerful, very successful man that my father put forward, was one aspect of his being. The other is a little boy, who did not have nearly as much faith in himself, as I did. Or... my mom did.

When my husband left, my dad told me he felt sorry for my H. He said it is difficult to understand when this happens. But the man always, always and always regrets it, and maybe not for 5, 10, even 15 years. He predicted my H would not come back until I had found someone else, and I was happy in my life without him. He said he has seen this over with so many men he knows. Very sad situation according to my father.

My dad's health is now failing, and his OW, is significantly younger, and taking excellent care of him (sparing me the troubles). Before my mom died, she confessed that my dad leaving her was actually a good thing, simply because she got the chance to live the life she wanted, and do exactly what she wanted to do (which involved many amazing things). So, I guess things work out for the best in the end. And yes... I do think my dad had guilt, and regrets ... it is his own personal karma bus.

My husband has been gone over 5 years now. We are divorced, and he recently married the OW, after living with her for these past 5 years, buying a home with her, and essentially dragging me through hell. He acts as if we were never married, and have no children together. His parents do same. I use the term "erase" .. as if he has erased all we had together, all we shared together. And all that is left in him is something monster-like that wants to condemn and malign me. Still... 5 years of monster (is this a record?).

I wish him well. I have a deep love for him, that I do not think will ever die. But I have my own life to live.

[OnMyJourney]

Free

You story reminded me of my neighbour's best friend B.  B's H asked for a D out of the blue.  He then met and married someone else about a year later and they divorced and then he met someone else and married again.  B ended up passing away from cancer but one day XH said to my neighbour "I never should have left B."

The strange part is that B became friends with both of XH's new wives.

OMJ

[Stander1964]

So yesterday I was watching some news magazine story because they had Mitch Daniels on who is the Governor of the great state of Indiana.  While watching the show the interviewer brought up the fact that he and his wife divorced and remarried.  I was fascinated by this for obvious reasons.  They did not talk about what happened other than saying "they have a happy ending."  Well, I decided to try and find out more information.  Not too much out there, but this is the best I could find:

For weeks, speculation about Daniels’ decision has centered on his wife, largely due to their divorce and re-marriage in the 1990s.

In June 1994, Mitch and Cheri Daniels’ divorce was finalized. Three months later, Gregory Rolf Mason, a pulmonologist who now works in Torrance, Calif., divorced his wife, as well.

In April 1995, Cheri Daniels and Greg Mason – sweethearts at New Albany High School in the 1960s, according to some reports – were married. Their license was filed in Indianapolis.

Those two split quickly, and in 1997, Mitch and Cheri Daniels remarried. The details of what happened in between are not publicly known.

What do you think, MLC??  I just thought since there are not too many return stories, I thought this would be a good one to post for all the LBS men out there. 

I do want to say, I am so disappointed Mitch is not running for president.   

[LettingGo]

1995 to 1997? Sounds like once they MOVE IN TOGETHER, the bloom was off the rose..... typical 18-24 month infatuation timeline....  How painful for her husband.... amazing they got back together.. really!! Thanks for posting!!

[Standing in Patience]

I have to agree. When I saw the piece on Mitch Daniels' thoughts on entering the race last evening, a midlife crisis or affair came to mind. I imagine it would be heartbreaking to have the details unearthed and the family's history dragged through the media again if he were to run. I would like to believe that now having a successful return to their marriage they would not like to test its strength again.

[Millvina]

I hesitated to post this story before because I wasn't sure but now I am, so I will.

In the early days my boss asked me if everything was okay with me, it must have been pretty obvious it wasn't. I told her some of what was going on and she confided in me that she had been through the same thing. I wasn't sure at the time, her H never left home and I didn't really have enough detail. However having talked to her again today I now have no doubt. She had 5 hellish years, for the first 2 he had absolutely no physical contact with what so ever, blamed her for everything etc etc. He has huge foo and self esteem issues.

Eventually she could take no more and said if he didn't do something she was leaving. He was not in a financial position to move out himself. He then agreed to see the doctor and spent the next 3 years on medication and in therapy, (all the while saying he didn't need it, he was only doing it for her). Eventual he began to reconnect, at first with their D and then with her.

The only thing I don't know is if there was an OW. She was very quick to ask me if that was the case with me, so I am guessing yes but she didn't tell me so I didn't ask.

She also said she went through her own transition following the death of her mother just prior to her H's crisis.

Anyway the good news is they are now very happily reconciled, she feels she "has her H back", although it sounds like he is still working through some stuff.

She is a different person to when I first knew her, so much more relaxed and happy. It quite cheered me up, except for the 5 years!

[Tired Of It All]

Hello!         

           Truth_Seeker - I am just catching up on this.  I read the story of B.C. Newman. Are there anymore stories from the MLC themselves.  My H just stopped seening OW.  I would like some more insght into their brains.  Anything that might help in dealing with H.

            I want to thank all of you for your stroies.  They really help give us  hope.
                       Kat

[Stander1964]

Here is another Return Story from the DB site

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2192247&gonew=1#UNREAD

[Standing in Patience]

OK, so it might be more of a mlt than mlc... a friend asked why she hasn't seen my h. We have known each other for over a dozen years. I confided in her that h is in a mlc and vanished.

She says OMG, it is everywhere. In her own case, she noted her h was out with his friends more and more and less involved with kids, his career, wife, etc. She called him on it and said if he doesn't engage, they are through. He slowly increased his interactions with her and children and the guy friends are less a part of his life. They are in a better place they had been in years.

She pointed out two more instances with husbands "up" and left (men within the five years older or younger) in our circle of friends and started a new life without wife and children in the last year. Honestly, I didn't know about those two families - I was shocked as she was about our family situation. Don't know the outcome of those marriages but will share if I am updated.

[What Next]

Few weeks back I joined a Christian bible study group (a safe way to start GAL).

I was between two minds whether to go this week as I returned late from a business trip and was tired but I like the group and the course so I went.

The session always has a theme (this week it was prayer) and starts with a video from a Christian speaker. Very quickly he started to talk about the power of prayer in the context of this story;

His best friend came to him and told him his wife had left him as she was having an affair. The friend was completely devastated as he thought their marriage was good but the wife had said a lot of things and he could not understand. The speaker prayed with his friend, they prayed for forgiveness on both sides. The man wanted to work on his marriage but his wife was adamant it was over and refused to see him. The speaker went to her to plead on his friend's behalf, even commenting on the 'changes' his friend had made but still she refused and filed for divorce. For 18mths the speaker supported his friend in prayer, they even had their church pray regularly but nothing changed. The man received divorce papers without ever seeing his wife in almost 2yrs. He finally accepted that he had to let her go but because he worried about her spiritually he sent her two tickets to a Billy Graham event in Wembley, one for her and one for her new partner. She returned the tickets. But he felt directed to send them again and she rang to say she would go but her partner was out of town and would the ExH go with her?

They went together and apparently when people were asked to commit themselves to God she ran onto the pitch. At the end of the night she went home with her ExH and they reconciled.

I sat in my group wondering why this story was given to illustrate the power of prayer? I took it as a sign for me as I have been struggling with both forgiveness and faith in God or this process. The story told me to keep praying, to forgive and to allow God's time to be right.

Not sure if its pure MLC but it spoke to me. 

[Millvina]

WN

Faith, love and forgiveness, great values for everyone, whatever your religious beliefs.

I have a story which I wanted to post, don't think it belongs here exactly. It's not a success in terms of reconciliation but a good illustration of having ' faith in the process'.

I had few work friends here the other day, one of them said she had bumped into our old boss, who had just turned 60.

Ten years ago he suddenly left his wife and two daughters. He was having a relationship with a woman who did the same job as him in another school. She had left her husband and as a couple they were just a mutual admiration society. I never thought he was very good at his job but she clearly thought he was wonderful. He got a trendy new haircut and a yellow sports car (no kidding!).

She was apparently always pushing him on to bigger and better things. He did get another job which was clearly beyond his abilities and he ended up leaving under a cloud (not sure of the details).  The relationship quickly fell apart and he ended up opening a cafe in a student area, where he apparently 'found himself'.

I have no idea how things stand with his wife, they certainly didnt get back together. I believe she is remarried. The really interesting thing is the total fantasy nature of the relationship with the OP and how it was nothing like it appeared on the surface. They presented as successful, affluent, glamorous (both were very attractive) and 'so happy'  but it was built on nothing and had no substance.

[Gardenia]

My SIL was in her late 20's I think she was about 28. She decided she never loved her H and did not want to wasite her life with him. She was upset about him being gone al the time and did not want to "waste" her body??

While he was deployed she sent him divorce paperwork and got implants. Partied A LOT. Dated, but apparently had a full blown relationship which she has never told me about. Well after her divorce went through and H was back from deployment she moved out one day while he was at work.

SHe was lonely and they started spending time together again. I spoke to him about a few things she needed from him. She moved back in with him and they are remarried.

The whole thing went on for about 3 years.

Today she seems happy. Wants her implants sized down and even went back to her old work location. Talk about complete turn around, or rather turn back.

[StandandDeliver]

Gardenia,

This is interesting because I have heard that many women go throught a sort of transition around 27 -28, often leaving relationships etc. It is interesting that your sister had this sort of identity crisis at this point - but i think that maybe it shows that a crisis is not really so heavily linked to age (as the term mid-life suggests) but is related to a process that some people go through when they find themselves analysing their lives (healthy) for the first time and the analysis gets completely out of hand and spirals towards negativity and depression (unhealthy).

It is interesting that the whole thing covered a 3 year span and there were body issues and an exploration of identity involved. I wonder if people who marry young are more prone to this sort of crisis and running behaviour (my own sitch and it seems that many on the board were young when they fell in love and committed to each other - perhaps sometimes too young to really understand what a commitment was about or that love sometimes does involve work, it is not simply a buzzy feeling that will sustain you for 50-60 years through all the ups and downs of life. Hmmm...

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Here are some good return stories you can check out, though not all may be by an MLCer.

http://shalomrefuge.com/tkgm/MENURESTORED.htm

[Shantilly Lace]

Time for a new thread


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0