I am beginning to work towards total detachment and building a life of my own.... But, we're getting there, step-by-step.

This is good. Regardless of what future holds, this should provide stability and security to you and kids.

And it  is also a lot to work on. If thinking all you wrote, right now time is biggest ally. You need it  to build a stable future, and throwing D into mix does not support the cause. So I would advice  you to progress mindfully and put D aside for at least 6-12 months. Or in nutshell, slow down, LOL.

I find it funny your priest / spiritual advisor adapted one of my favorite quotes by Epictetus. It is not what happens to you that matters, but how you react to it. It is your thinking that makes good "good" and bad "bad".... It is something you might want to think not with just on D, but also with the abuse theme. Her words and actions have power only if you allow. And lot more of it than you think comes from your  own thoughts/thinking, not from her actions or words... This is where true detachment,  independence and acceptance begins. Again go slow and do small steps. It is lots to bite once you get it.

Alvin

Hi all,

It's been a month or so since I posted on my thread so I thought I would do a bit of journalling.

I've taken on a big project at work, which has been both great as it's kept me really busy and focussed on something far removed from family or domestic situations but also very stressful. The stress came to a head earlier this week. I think it's actually a culmination of all the personal stress from BD, and the trauma associated with that as well as trying to navigate everything with W and family. Added into the mix is this really high pressured project at work with a delivery schedule of about a quarter of what would be considered normal.
Well, I thought I was coping kind of OK, but I had some chest pains in the night last weekend which woke me - I went straight to accident and emergency as you don't muck about with that sort of thing in my view. They ran some tests and discharged me a few hours later confident that it wasn't anything too sinister.  On Tuesday morning I finished leading a meeting, and as I wrapped it up I felt incredibly dizzy - like I was going to faint. I went outside and one of the production staff walked by and said he thought I looked quite unwell and called the medic. (luckily I woke in an industry that has a trained nurse / medic on site around the clock). The medic took my BP and heart rate, and took a good look at me and said he was sending me straight to hospital for more checks.
After many tests (blood, ECG, Xray etc) the hospital said they were confident I wasn't having a cardiac episode or or stroke and again discharged me but have requested that I get more tests done. The lovely doctor that saw me asked about stress at home and at work and said he thought that I was presenting classic signs of stress.

I'm back at work but have got my team to get me some additional help so not all the pressure of the job is on my shoulders. Obviously the stress of the last 2 years has kind of caught up with me a bit this last week. I'm pretty sure I've handled jobs as stressful as this before BD, but maybe it's all just got to me a bit.

Home life has been kind of OK, Even before the hospital stuff I asked W for a bit more help with the kids and she's stepped up in a major way - basically being really supportive and doing the lions share of the childcare.

We are continuing in our reconnection, we talk often about the kids and our company and combined finances. We also chat about other stuff, send each other photos, and share some of what we are doing. None of it is particularly deep really. It does feel like she is opening up more and gradually sharing more of what is going on in her life. We had a big chat a few weeks back and I told her that I wanted to continue to try and build back the bridges that had been burned down at BD and try and restore our friendship and see how it goes. She said, "what, do you mean, reconciliation?"   I said yes, I'd like us to get to that point in the future. She said she didn't want to give me false hope and that she needed space and wasn't sure about all of that. I just told her I was happy to try and mend our broken friendship and take things naturally and slowly and see what happens, and she could have all the space she wanted. I expected a withdrawal after this conversation but none came really.
So we continue at a snails pace and I try to have zero expectations from her. It's a really tough balancing act because you see positive signs and think, yeah, they are coming out of it and it's all going to be fine - but it's not like that at all - it's baby steps and expectation and going too fast definitely scare her off and often set things back a bit.

I'm hoping getting some help at work will redress some of the balance I'd achieved recently in my life, because for the last month or so it's been work, sleep repeat!

Biscuit

All one can do is change one’s own lens on it, and therefore one’s own responses to how it is.

There's a lot to think about here. My lens is changing, albeit slowly.  My priest / spiritual advisor lifted a weight off of my shoulders by saying, "Its not a question of whether or not the decision to D is RIGHT or WRONG, its about how you choose to go through it that matters. Either way, approach the situation with sincere humility, forgiveness & prayer and you'll have a clear conscience & God's blessing on whatever you do."  This was huge for me, as I've been stuck on the issue of right vs wrong.  And yes, my marriage commitment was a serious one that I never, ever intended to break. D has always been a gigantic whopper of a spiritual failure in my mind, and to have my lens changed in regards to this is HUGE.  I do realize that I'm not the one who took a flamethrower (as you so well put it) to our marriage and burnt it to the ground.  At this point, a D would just be a formal acknowledgement of what IS, and moving on from there.

Yes the issue with the kids is huge. I've always told them that I don't believe in D, that I believe that marriage is unto death, and that I have no intention to D. I know they're counting on me to "stand strong", and I feel that if I initiate a D, all of their trust in me will be shattered.  I think they're hoping that eventually things will change.

They've sort of settled into this crappy emotional swamp we're all living in. They seem to have a false sense of security since we're not talking or arguing anymore.  But, at some point, a D will be happening (via her or me), unless there's real change on her end.  There's a lot to weigh out in regards to living in the same household vs D. Financially, emotionally, quality of life, etc..  It will upend a lot of what they know - The property we live on, our living custody arrangements, very possibly homeschool as my W will NEED to get a job regardless of spousal support. That's a lot for a kid to stomach at once.   

I so don't want to be the one to initiate this. But, the only positive that I can see coming out of me initiating a D, is them seeing me stand up for what's right and no longer accept this as an acceptable way to live and treat someone.

Yes I have consulted a lawyer. It was just a short 1.5 hr consultation to get his initial take on things. I'm not ready to plop down the whole retainer yet as everything is in standstill. But given our financial situation, I may need to take the additional step.

I would also highlight that divorce is definitely not a fix-all solution. You just swap some old issues to all new issues, and still get to keep many of the old ones. For example refusing to communicate or engage in meaningful conversations about the kids is in my list too, and I'm divorced and years ahead of you. The fact you share a family with kids (and in the future grandchildren) means that for many issues "getting out fully" is just not an realistic option.

Possibly the best advice I can give is focus even more tightly on you:  your wellbeing and improving things you control directly. Instead of big and fast changes (like hoping all the abuse to stop now), go slow and smaller scale.  As sad as it is, most of the problems the average LBS with kids gets require years and years of gradual progress to turn $h!tee into gold.

Yes, I'm seeing this as a reality also. I'm realizing that her behavior will most likely be a thorn in my flesh for many, many years, regardless of a D.

Right now we are in a very scary financial position, and she's not helping at all. It's all been put on me to figure out without her communication on anything.

The best thing I can do for ME and my kids right now is streamline our business so it runs almost entirely without me (which is possible), and get a job, which I've been working on for quite awhile now.  Then the financial issues will become much more healthy, and I can start to build a life thats independent from her. 

I am beginning to work towards total detachment and building a life of my own. Spiritually I've changed course, in a way that's much more aligned to my true beliefs and values. This has been the most meaningful spiritual decision of my life by far. In terms of work/career, I'm workin on it, but thats a tough one as my entire career was in partnership with her. And my previous experience as a "founder / business owner", doesn't translate well into the job market.  Also, crawling out from the heap of rubble in my soul caused by all the emotional abuse and turmoil is no easy task, and makes mustering up the confidence and everything else needed to hunt for and get a job much more challenging.  But, we're getting there, step-by-step.

I don’t think there is any point trying to set the record straight. I have learned in the last two years just how complex a beast truth is and how important good will is. How you feel about something changes how you look at it.

And I have learned there is nothing rational going on. Emotion is driving everything and the story that is being told justifies the behaviour. There is nothing you can do and arguing the toss just cause further entrenchment.

The hardest part for me has been accepting this person who loved me so much does not care for me at all. I have got to the point where I will only communicate through lawyers and I was baselessly accused of threatening her. I did not threaten her but simply said I wanted equal time with our children and that sadly I would have to get it from a judge given her refusal.

There is no accountability. None. There is just self justification and vilification of the LBS. It is how the behaviour is justified.

Understanding it does not make it easier. You will fight for years until after time, like me, you will realise there is nothing you can do with the MLCer.

And then you will realise you can do something. Make good decisions for yourself. Love your kids. Heal. It is hard but it is enough.


And you will hope it will be quicker and think that it can’t take as long as the forum says. And sadly, like me you will realise the forum is right.

But you will be a better version of yourself. Like me, you will be you but different.

But is hard and awful. And you never expected to be here.

TLDR: How do you all handle them re-writing the narrative, and repeating back to you things that are completely untrue about yourself and what you wanted from them? In my case my H says I wanted him to be here as a 'house husband' and under my thumb - this is provably false (i set up job intvs for him, built a website, promoted his work on social etc). He was not immediately successful and gave up and therefore stayed home. I find it v frustrating. Is it worth trying to set the record straight at all? We are almost definitely divorcing but I do NOT like the idea of a total lie being my legacy.

He's here with me and what’s so hard right now is to see him with our family, to interact with him daily and work as a team, to share a knowing glance about something our child said or laugh together at our son or work together to get dinner out  etc etc all the while knowing he’s telling someone else "I love you" every day - thinking about a new life with her, NOT interested in saving anything - It’s feels like pure rejection! I mean, it is.

About that part, today I spoke up and admitted to him how hard this is for me.

Big Mistake!

He said “you bring this up all the time! “ Not true - last push was last Saturday and it wasn’t even a push I asked him to stop being snarky.

He told me “I am not calling 'her' in the house like you asked, and I don’t text her in front of you.“ Basically like stop complaining then.

I said how the whole thing is disrespectful to me - we are MARRIED - and I felt discarded and how having it in my face like this playing happy families knowing he is openly in another relationship is really painful. I said "I looked at the kids during our Mother’s Day BBQ - just the four of us- and my heart hurts that I can’t save this family for them."  My voice broke, he just looked annoyed.

He made some derogatory grunt and I said “I have not cried or begged you to stay, I have not tried to talk you out of this or brought up all the ways this will damage our kids, not one time. I even said if you want to go, then go. But every minute of this right now is painful to me. And you need to know that”

He said “I've been here 32 days and maybe I've not been a great husband but I've been a great dad. I've been giving 100 percent to them. But I’ve changed. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be a househusband!”

When he said I don’t want this - he referenced the stay at home dad - but I would argue he was actually saying I don’t want to be a husband or real dad. Full stop.

As I walked away I said I won’t bring this up anymore as it gets me no where, and he just mumbled, yeah it’s irritating.

No matter what went down in his weakened brain. I will NEVER understand how someone who loved me - can look into the face of the pain he has caused, is causing - and just shrug it off and take no ownership.. And it’s not just me, he’s shrugging off our kids too. All the hugging and playfulness and affection he’s shown them these past few weeks  --it’s like they got their dad back again  - apparently he’s just banking it so he can leave with less guilt. His detachment is scary and the way he can seem loving to us all - but has clearly just got one eye on the exit - is jarring to say the least.

Altho the conversation today was hard I am glad it happened bc I was getting pulled into thinking that he was wavering or that he was conflicted like he was back in Feb when he was here - and that he was feeling the gravitational pull towards us- our family. I didn't think it would change our outcome necessarily but I thought i was having an effect. And it was like a rush of cold water in my face. He’s just biding his time til he can get away from us (mainly me, but us).