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Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by Anoi on Today at 03:36:39 PM »


Yes, this is familiar. This, I guess, is what very avoidant people could address to make their lives more fulfilling. In that they can express their needs, without fear, and hopefully get some of those needs met. This is not your fault. You did not make an avoidant man. You probably kept him on a even keel for a long time.

As to you psychiatrist telling you to 'move on' - is this the right person to support you at this time? Someone (not a psychiatrist) said that to me, very early on, and I felt, well, insulted. Yes, I am able to move. And I move at my own pace. Too soon for these words, there's no magic bullet. Yes to not ruminating and wallowing (if possible) but also yes to finding a calm centre focused on one's self for as long as is needed. You are doing so well Anoi - your strength is obvious in your posts.

Yeah, he always was afraid to say No, until he has to scream it and hurt ppl for no reason. I was the one saying No to ppl, was and is the excuse to say No and so on. Well for now his slowly boiling to go again on his patern and scream no at me. With the same success rate he can scream it to the wall.
I'v made some progress as i see it. I didn't detache, but i got fed up a bit with accepting his terms and conditions. When it comes to hugs and so on it's his private business, but my life is my private business and i am doing as i see fit.
Yeah, i am not even close to being ready to move on, i don't want to divorce him and i don't want people telling me i should, including him, by the way.
I think one day i will want it, but right now is not the time and place for me. I have enough on my plate without those talkes.
Well i think she is part of my process, i need to hear her and i need to hear myself too. The truth is in the middle, haha:)



Long weekend ahead, i have my own plans, weather is nice. I did move some projects of mine this week, so it's not lost. I found my very unstable calm spot and trying to stabilize it, cause i like where i am emotionally in the last couple of days, so at least i know it's very possible.
My ankle is acting out though, will get MRI results next week and hopefully understand how to get back on my two feet, i really wanna do some sport-ish stuff and holding myself back until i know i will not harm myself more.

2
Our Community / Re: In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by Nas on Today at 12:31:24 PM »
I´m pretty sure you can ask the IRS for copies of your returns.

You can. I had to gather copies of several years right after my former H vanished. As frustrating as it is to have to put in more legwork, this seems like the easiest option for you.

I also don't want to overstep, but I'm curious about your reason for blocking her phone number (it seems like maybe you've blocked and unblocked a few times? Apologies if I've read that wrong throughout your posts.) If you're blocking her until you're in a better place emotionally to avoid the rise of anticipatory anxiety that comes from not knowing if/when you'll get a text from her and what it might say, I totally get that. Otherwise, and again, I don't mean to overstep and I'm sorry if I'm wrong about the circumstances, but you might be hurting yourself more in regards to getting the stuff done that you need done.

Not telling you what to do, just a different perspective on the communication issues. Going dark doesn't necessarily require blocking, and blocking is sometimes what's needed for emotional wellbeing when an MLCer is being extremely combative or abusive, but is maybe less effective as a healing tool otherwise because, again, it's a direct action toward her ("I am blocking you") that keeps her as the focal point, as opposed to just going dark for yourself by not reaching out. At least until all the loose ends are tied up and you know you won't need to ask anything of her again.
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Our Community / Re: In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by forthetrees on Today at 12:07:06 PM »
I´m pretty sure you can ask the IRS for copies of your returns.
4
Our Community / Whiplash from clinging boomerang
« Latest by Happylight on Today at 11:33:24 AM »

Some here have been reconnecting for several years now (Songanddance, Barbie) and their MLC'ers are still avoiding responsibility. Acorn, on the other hand, has a former MLC'er that has stepped up to the plate and accepted their part in the $#!tshow they created.....

Thinking that, after a certain amount of time, something magic is going to happen is akin to poking yourself in the nose with a Barbecue fork.....

Last weekend we went on a trip for the weekend, and it went pretty well.  I have the feeling that his oldest friends in the world don't have any idea of the magnitude of the upheaval that has gone on between us.  That at least tells me that he isn't sure enough of anything to make it solid by sharing with people that matter. 

He definitely seems to be spending more and more time at home.  He works from there as many days as he can (when he goes into the office, he doesn't actually work with people in person so he might as well work from home), and has spent the night there 10 days out of the last 14.  Two days ago he made the kids take out all the trash (while I was out walking) after I mentioned it was trash day, yesterday he did all of his laundry and put it away (most of his clothes have been at the house the whole time), and he unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned up kitchen --again while I was out walking.  These are not big things, but definitely positive signs since he has little to none of these things for well over a year now. 

He has admitted that he handled some things with our kids poorly in the past (when he was in the anger stage he was very reactive and argumentative with teenagers as well).  Issues that we fought about in the past where he angered me or was derogatory in some way (and I let him know), have been rephrased or handled differently when they come up again Example:  Discussing the concept of being a stay at home mom--I'm a teacher and we never even discussed me staying at home, but at one point (our youngest was already 10) when discussing he made me sound like he believed I was negligent and selfish because I had worked --I said that was unfair because I didn't decide that all on my own and we had never discussed it, but when this came up recently he front loaded by saying that we decided that I would work, but if he could do it again he thinks he would try to see if we could work that out. 


  We are 18 months from first bomb drop that I suspect was the beginning of replay, (he said he wanted a divorce and was really mean, but within a couple of hours was begging and pleading for forgiveness and said he didn't know what was wrong with him), but he was engaging in replay behaviors by then.  The bomb drop that truly clued me in to what was really going on was only 14 months ago.  I suspect he might be at the end of replay and kind of swinging back and forth between replay and depression/liminality. 
In reading Hearts Blessings materials, she said that MLCers will sometimes sneak home, where they just gradually return.  I get the feeling that he is not ready for discussions at this point.  However, I am thinking that if we do continue down this path, we have to have a conversation at some point.  I know that several others have been in reconnection for a while.  Do I wait to see if he will come to me? 

Advice or insight appreciated! 

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Our Community / In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by Happylight on Today at 10:33:59 AM »

I have one irrational explanation to the irrational behavior. I don't claim to be a reference on this topic, so please take it with a big spoon full of salt.

We are dealing with 2 people in same body : the spouse whom is still married with us, and the inner child who is hurt and is in pain.
The inner child has been repressed during many years in the unconscious, she is now leading the body, the inner child wants to run because of the pain.
Our spouse wants to stay married, our spouse still loves the husband.

It is impossible to satisfy both personalities at the same time : if you give the divorce, the spouse will fight. If you stop the divorce, the inner child will fight.
Best solution is go out of this fight, the only person who can reconcile the inner child and the spouse is ... them.

So, with irrational explanation, I reach the same conclusion as Ursa Major.


Hearts Blessing writes about this concept--she calls it The Children of the Midlifer's Issues.  She basically has a similar concept.  I think it makes sense--maybe the concept of multiple personalities disorder was idea was orginally conceived from observing a MLC individual. :-P
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by MadLuv on Today at 08:22:31 AM »
Another crazy update. XH did call and put a cc on my Chiefs account to pay going forward. They did not notify me and they said they do allow others to do that, but they don’t have access to anything else on the account. No access at all. The Chiefs put the CC on the account themselves. I stated that I should have been notified that someone is paying on my account either way.

If I was a guessing woman I would assume his lawyer said, take care of that and handle the special warranty deed so you show you handled what you were to do and then we can take her back to court and adjust the payments. The good thing is that it is a court ordered contractual alimony, so now all they can lower it to is 20% of his current gross salary and for 7 years.

My argument is that I would get 10 years if I would not have rushed for this agreement as we would have been married 30 years  as  state here goes by  10, 20, 30.  I would also advise that my payment from the 401k would have been more, he hid finances and CC. So, I may loose some money it he does and legal fees for sure, but he will not be able to get out of it and I will still  will get more than if we had ever let a judge decide.

As the pages turn……
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Our Community / Links/Blogs/Articles for us all to share 10
« Latest by Nas on Today at 07:32:02 AM »
I meant to mention this yesterday in regards to “truth”, but The Affair is a show that really was cathartic for me to watch after BD. It’s a show about a man going through a midlife crisis that covers more than a decade of his journey. It’s not a masterpiece by any means, but it’s super interesting to see so, so much of what we have all encountered in our own experiences with MLC. It employees the narrative style I mentioned of telling the same story from each person’s point of view (it’s called Rashomon). I think I’ve probably talked about it here before but I also just mentioned it to someone IRL and it made me want to come back and post.
Rashomon effect is so interesting because you see each person’s perspective that differs because of their individual biases, background, psychological states, etc. So sometimes when we ask “why can’t they see x, y, or z, it seems so obvious” it can be hard to remove ourselves from our version of the story. Watching The Affair at the time I did was actually comforting because I employed the same technique to my real life - by stepping out of the confines of my own perspective and considering how the same story played out for my former H, the OW, it became less about me, less personal. It didn’t make it any less destructive. And in fact, trying to consider the situation from the point of view of the two people who did what they did without any consideration of me was at times deeply painful, but also healing. And I’ve continued to find that helpful in other difficult situations.
Anyway, just wanted to pop back here and mention that show. As I said, it’s not a masterpiece by any means and the last season falls apart because one of the main actresses quit unexpectedly and they had to alter the storyline. But especially the early seasons, a lot of things will ring so true for those of us who have lived through this experience, and I found it particularly interesting to watch it through the lens of the man having the crisis.
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Our Community / In a Little More Than Four Months.....
« Latest by mcm64d on Today at 07:14:05 AM »
Thanks KB.

No gamble left. I paid a flat fee for my lawyer. Agreed to all terms of the Property Settlement Agreement she had drafted (including no alimony miraculously, which she herself said her lawyer thought was a "crazy move"), sold the house and split the proceeds. She owes me 50% of the house assets sold, which shouldn't amount to much, and I asked her to send me my taxes for the past 7 years.

She is fighting me on the last two. I asked her to mail it to our old address as I do not want her knowing where I live. She insisted I guarantee it gets to me, which I cannot do. I am not the US Postal Service. So I then told her to give it to her lawyer and let the lawyers work out the logistics. She refused to do that. The only way she will give me this is if she can give it to her father and have me meet him to pick up. Under no circumstance do I want anyone else having my financial information, so I declined. I have since blocked her number and have gone completely dark.

If/ when I decide if the benefit of getting my lawyer involved outweighs the costs, then I will put it in his hands. If not, then I will probably just call it a day and have my sanity in check.
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Our Community / Sheer indefatigability with learned perspicacity
« Latest by MadLuv on Today at 05:00:24 AM »
And……..he didn’t pay alimony.  He most likely will, but this is how he communicates to me. Either by non response or delayed alimony. It is his communication. It’s just the most juvenile thing. He is without a doubt getting worse. More avoidant, more defiant. If it wasn’t my life I would be so enthralled by the actions that tell his story, unfortunately I am to annoyed by his new self to  enjoy the analytical aspect of him at this point.  Some how I think he has some things up his sleeve for me. That attorney gave him some energy I think to combat me.
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Our Community / Yet another love, but not in love.
« Latest by KayDee on March 27, 2024, 03:41:58 PM »
He is so afraid of any confrontation he can't fire someone who's been "helping" with his parents house.

Yes, this is familiar. This, I guess, is what very avoidant people could address to make their lives more fulfilling. In that they can express their needs, without fear, and hopefully get some of those needs met. This is not your fault. You did not make an avoidant man. You probably kept him on a even keel for a long time.

As to you psychiatrist telling you to 'move on' - is this the right person to support you at this time? Someone (not a psychiatrist) said that to me, very early on, and I felt, well, insulted. Yes, I am able to move. And I move at my own pace. Too soon for these words, there's no magic bullet. Yes to not ruminating and wallowing (if possible) but also yes to finding a calm centre focused on one's self for as long as is needed. You are doing so well Anoi - your strength is obvious in your posts.

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