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Author Topic: My Story You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself

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My Story You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#10: October 11, 2021, 03:51:38 PM
I like the current version of Nas too. Kind, humble, authentic, bit feisty but I love it,  and perfectly imperfect like the rest of us. 

"Someday" could just be hope too. Accepting what is but hopeful that something great might just be around the corner.

Hugs friend.
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Me 49
H 48
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#11: October 11, 2021, 04:25:17 PM
Sticking with you Nas.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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Nas

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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#12: October 12, 2021, 06:44:43 PM
Thanks for coming along, and for the kind words 😎 and for humoring my rambling journaling.

I have a conflicted relationship with hope now. It used to be a given. There road never completely ended; there would always be something over the horizon if I just kept going.

Hope is different now. I know it still exists, but I also know it has limitations depending on the reality of a given situation. There’s a fine line where hope becomes delusion if you’re not being honest with yourself and looking at things clearly. I don’t foresee a future where I ever feel completely settled and where life won’t be difficult.

I don’t mean to say I don’t think I’ll ever again have good times or happy moments. I will. I mean that feeling of taking a deep breath and exhaling with that unspoken calmness of knowing that you’re safe, you’re okay, no matter what happens, no matter what blows up, my foundation is solid.  I miss that so much. And if I’m honest, I do get pissed that I worked hard to avoid this very situation because THE ONE thing, the only thing I’ve always consciously known about myself is that I crave and want and NEED stability, that one constant that’s predictable and fixed in place even if everything else is constantly moving and changing.

I remember one night after BD, I was hurting but had NO idea yet how much worse things could and would get. At that point I didn’t know about the affair, but I knew the bank account was drained. The true level of financial devastation and other deception hadn’t yet been uncovered. I was trying to decide where to move and I sort of knew it had to be somewhere with a lower cost of living, somewhere where I could start all over. I was scared to venture off alone and wasn’t fully bought in yet (after the affair came to light was when I really made up my mind) but I had hope and a little bit of bravado that I could conquer the firetrucking world.

I had to get out and do something, flirt a little, pretend Rome wasn’t burning, so I was out with old friends who had come from various parts of the country for a big girls night out. They were plying me with drinks and  unknowingly minimizing my very raw pain while joking about how if I moved away, it would be such a great excuse for them to visit and get the hell away from their annoying husbands

I remember leaving the bar that night thinking they would all be crushed if they suddenly lost all the *utterly annoying* things they were complaining so bitterly about: their husbands who snored, the kitchen that wasn’t as big as they wanted, the bedroom that was hardwood floors instead of carpet, the radiant flooring that was - shudder - only installed downstairs but not throughout the entire house. But mostly the person who actually looked forward to coming home to them every day.
In the back of a freaking Uber, I cried about how casually they all were taking that for granted. I didn’t even care what the driver thought.

Those same friends still complain about their husbands. The same complaints. The same silly, trivial complaints. “My husband forgot to pick up milk on his way home, my husband leaves his socks on the floor. My husband gets home from work and doesn’t shut up. Shouldn’t he be tired? God, he wants to know about my day, wants to tell me about his day, wants my opinion on this and that…” Really, your husband wants to talk to you? Poor thing, how hard it must be, to be seen and heard and valued. 🙄

It’s funny because I don’t miss my former H anymore and I don’t miss my marriage anymore, now that I’ve been doing the work to connect all the dots that led me to him and “wanting” that life in the first place.
I don’t even think I’d enter into that kind of conventional marriage relationship ever again. I miss what I thought I had: the friendship, the fully engaged conversation, the comfort of being in the company of someone who appreciates you and wants you to be present with them.

All of that in my case was an illusion. It technically all existed, but there was an actor playing the role of husband until he took all there was to take and then some, and then he moved on to play the role with a whole new cast.
My pursuit of the kind of relationship I thought I had to have in order to feel seen and heard and belong was a fool’s pursuit. But I wanted that chance to build the family I always craved, to have kids in order to make them feel safe and heard and seen and loved in the way I wish I’d been.

In a way, it was all inauthentic, though not purposely so. If you’d asked me during all those years, I would’ve told you it was absolutely what I wanted, and I would’ve believed it. I was really living a half-conscious existence. The unsophisticated explanation is that I knew I wanted/needed something but wasn’t fully aware of what and so my desires manifested as a conventional marriage and family.

Anyway, just a few thoughts, maybe more to come. Eventually it may even make sense. 😂

https://youtu.be/AQOlwMKpmvQ
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T
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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#13: October 12, 2021, 07:34:54 PM
Quote
And if I’m honest, I do get pissed that I worked hard to avoid this very situation because THE ONE thing, the only thing I’ve always consciously known about myself is that I crave and want and NEED stability, that one constant that’s predictable and fixed in place even if everything else is constantly moving and changing
I feel this as well.

There is something about needing and wanting that stability, yet someone else has the ability to change that and you have no control over it. There is something so unstable about that. To have the closest person to you to be the one to take that away. For me that was and is one of the hardest things to settle in my head. Will I survive it? For sure. Will I be happy? Absolutely. Doesn’t make the loss any leas in settling.
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H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14
2009 D14 dies from cancer
2013-D30 marries & issues for H begin
Summer ‘15 pulling away
August ‘16  H turns 50 & promo requires travel                     2017-disconnected
Jan 2018  H rather div. then talk.  H stopped Div.
march 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by OW
Sept ‘18 bought 2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Aug21- H regrets & some clarity. Still escape and avoid
Oct 2021- detaching

The beginning of my journalling
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.0

N

Nas

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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#14: October 13, 2021, 08:33:09 AM
Thanks, Torn. It is hard, especially early on, to understand how things could happen the way they do.

I want to clarify that when I say I get pissed, it's not at him anymore. Of course what he did was despicable. There's no denying at. But I'm more mad at myself. Even though I only knew then what I knew then, I gave up too much of myself for this idea that I could use the future to rectify the past, if that makes sense. He lied and withheld information and made unilateral decisions (all along, I found out, not just after the big BD) - he did a lot of terrible, terrible things, and because of my past, a lot of it I didn't even recognize as terrible. But I was there too.

That's why after BD, looking inward instead of only at them is so important. It takes a bit to get your footing, but looking at them is a waste of time. Nothing will change until they change, and they probably won't. But looking inward, imo, figuring out what it is about me, my past life, my trauma, my internal beliefs, my preconditioning, is essential to my FULL healing - and I suspect (actually, I know) this is NOT unique to me.

We all want to say it's 100% them, they suddenly went nuts and, yeah, we're not perfect but we didn't deserve it, they should get help and figure themselves out because right now in the midst of MLC, they're just firetrucked up, period, end of story.
But it's not that cut and dry. It's never that simple, and that's not blaming the victim. No one deserves to be blindsided and subjected to so many forms of what is certainly abuse: emotional, psychological, physical. But we all have our pasts and experiences and reasons why we ended up with who we ended up with, and why we maybe didn't recognize, or ignored, red flags, why we made certain choices throughout our lives, did or didn't do things, and even why we respond to BD the way we did specifically, because everyone is different. (Every story of what happened the moment that sudden ILYBINILWY was dropped is different: some remain calmly stunned, some break down, some get angry, etc.)

It's all unsettling and it sucks, especially once you realize you will likely never get any explanation or any answers to the questions that keep you up at night after BD. For me, figuring myself out is all I need because even if he decides to figure himself out, that doesn't mean he'll ever decide to share that insight with me.

Anyway, just some midweek ramblings...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmFdW1JyccA
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Nas thanks for the updates, thoughts and things to consider. I think it is so important, specially once past the initial shock, to stop trying to understand THEM, or US, and to try to understand ME. As you said we didn't end up where we were, in the relationship we were in, from a vacuum. It was a long road and we traveled that road, and many things created bends and paths.

Looking back five years out I know I can see more and more of the outline of what happened, how I got there, and how I was blinded to things I should not have been blind to. And I made excuses for things I should not have. This is in no way "blaming" me, or saying any of it was ok, or I was responsible. Rather its a way for me to learn, to grow, and more honest and self reliant.
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No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

T
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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#16: October 13, 2021, 09:41:52 AM
NAS-
 That has been the one positive on all this mess. Evaluating Me!! You are so right. No one deserves this, but we do have a part in it. Actions that may not have helped or actions that allowed us to not see or put up with it. I have been able to look back and see so many red flags more clearer. I alway saw them, however. The hardest part of it all is the time invested in someone that can so easily walk off with what seems to be no compassion or concern. What I have come to realize is that really is not true.

I think they pay for it internally until they decide to deal with their own inner demons. If they ever have the strength to????  I know for a fact my XH is not happy. What will happen?? Who knows. He may make this new relationship work no matter what. He can’t handle failures. So, will it all fall apart? How could it not. They don’t know each other and all is based on lies. I still think they are to weak to admit another failure. My focus in therapy now is moving forward and finding a way to not kick myself for caring for someone for 30 years that doesn’t seem to care at all for me. It’s like wasted love…. I have no love to waste
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H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14
2009 D14 dies from cancer
2013-D30 marries & issues for H begin
Summer ‘15 pulling away
August ‘16  H turns 50 & promo requires travel                     2017-disconnected
Jan 2018  H rather div. then talk.  H stopped Div.
march 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by OW
Sept ‘18 bought 2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Aug21- H regrets & some clarity. Still escape and avoid
Oct 2021- detaching

The beginning of my journalling
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.0

N

Nas

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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#17: October 13, 2021, 08:47:08 PM
Just a quick journaling, I have no idea what this means.
Today I got a message from someone I went to grad school with. He wanted I know if I could send him a copy of a poem I wrote like 20-some years ago. I didn’t remember it.
“The one you read at the awards ceremony.”
Excuse me? You have the wrong person, sorry.
“No, you won the state literary prize, you represented the university and read 5 of your pieces in front of 500 people, you were picked by [big name in the literary community].”

Guys, I have no recollection of this achievement. Or others he mentioned, except in vague bits and pieces that feel like parts of a movie I watched once. A movie with subtitles that I had on in the background and didn’t watch very closely and missed key plot points.

How much of my life did I half live/half sleep walk through, to the point I can’t remember possibly big moments?
Talk about unsettling. I probably had evidence of these pieces of my life but they’re long gone along with so much else after moving around so much, 6 moves in 7 years, a fire, a flood, multiple lifetimes worth of upheaval.
But I can’t remember this event or other things, things that should be cherished memories. Things it sounds like I should be at least a little proud of. I know there were other major, major things going on in my life at the time, but did those traumatic memories overwrite the good things?
Makes me wonder how much of my own story I’m missing…
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T
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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#18: October 14, 2021, 08:27:16 AM
Wow!!! Well, not sure I have insight into that, but would love to read these cherished poems. They must have been amazing and impactful that someone reaches out many years later. What a nice surprise to have someone remind you of something so amazing. Maybe it will start to jar some memories???
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H-54 W-58  Married 7/6/91 Kids d-30 s-28 d-14
2009 D14 dies from cancer
2013-D30 marries & issues for H begin
Summer ‘15 pulling away
August ‘16  H turns 50 & promo requires travel                     2017-disconnected
Jan 2018  H rather div. then talk.  H stopped Div.
march 2018- BD1 found old phone 3 EA ‘17-H in therapy
EA ow1-49,  EA-ow2 57, EA- ow3-58 not reciprocated by OW
Sept ‘18 bought 2nd Home in new state H new job
Oct 2018-H moves home
Oct 2020 BD2
Nov 2020 H move to 2nd home in other state
OW4- 46 subordinate at work
Div filed-Dec ‘20   Div final-Feb ‘21
Aug21- H regrets & some clarity. Still escape and avoid
Oct 2021- detaching

The beginning of my journalling
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11796.0

N

Nas

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You’ve got to be smart if you’re fooling yourself
#19: October 14, 2021, 06:51:25 PM
The plot thickens. I tracked down the title of the poem, and the prize title (but not the actual poem - which apparently was a sestina). I’ve lost almost all copies of everything in the turmoil of the last years. I now remember vaguely a party where I was presented this award because I spent the evening talking to the widower husband of one of my favorite writers (she was an amazing woman and a mentor and she’d committed suicide a few years before this. He never remarried- never really recovered, and he died himself a few years ago. Anyway, all I vaguely remember from the party was that he was in a formal suit but his socks had Flintstone characters on them. 🤷‍♀️)
…along with that, I found out today that a year after the poetry prize, I won a pretty decent fiction prize…and I have ZERO recollection of the story or the winning of the prize. I mean, I know I wrote it because my name is published with it and it’s written in a style and voice I can recognize as mine. But I don’t remember any of it at all, and it’s just unsettling and so weird.
It kind of begs the question, where the firetruck have I been all my life? 🥴
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 06:54:29 PM by Nas »

 

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