[Biscuit]

So Christmas Day came and went.
We had a wonderful day as a family, presents were exchanged, food was cooked and consumed and a few drinks and ended up with card games, charades and a festive tv special with us all cozied up in the lounge.
It was hard to leave! It was meant to be my evening with the kids but they were tired and didn’t fancy leaving the cosiness so I left them with W and came home quite late. It was a good day full of laughter, joy and traditions. The presents w and the kids chose for everyone were fantastic.

The conflict in emotions is something I have to deal with. I really do enjoy family time but I hate saying goodbye. I really do think my kids get an awful lot out of spending time as a family so I push through the emotions and deal with the downside on my own when I have time and space to process.

Seeing the whole family as well as lots of other families on our traditional Boxing Day get together today. A walk in the woods followed by food and a pint. Should be fun, it’s a beautiful winters day in London. Again, I’ll enjoy the moment and process later once we all say goodbye.

[mcm64d]

So Christmas Day came and went.
We had a wonderful day as a family,

If it is ok Biscuit I'd like to focus on the positive on this. That is terrific!!

[xyzcf]

Thanks for sharing your day with us. Our family is also together and have spent several Christmases together. All together in the same place.

There is lots of laughter, joy and traditions as you mentioned.

The conflict in emotions is something I have to deal with. I really do enjoy family time but I hate saying goodbye. I really do think my kids get an awful lot out of spending time as a family so I push through the emotions and deal with the downside on my own when I have time and space to process.

It became easier over the years. I think I feared that when he would leave, that would be the last “ goodbye” but that had not been the case at all. He has increased his contact with me and I am more at peace.

Acceptance is key. He has his life to live. I have my own vibrant and enjoyable life. But sometimes, the magic is still there and the ease of being together is something that feels so much better than my ”fears”.

Enjoy your Boxing Day and your pint after!

[Evermore]

Thanks for sharing your day with us. Our family is also together and have spent several Christmases together. All together in the same place.

There is lots of laughter, joy and traditions as you mentioned.

The conflict in emotions is something I have to deal with. I really do enjoy family time but I hate saying goodbye. I really do think my kids get an awful lot out of spending time as a family so I push through the emotions and deal with the downside on my own when I have time and space to process.

It became easier over the years. I think I feared that when he would leave, that would be the last “ goodbye” but that had not been the case at all. He has increased his contact with me and I am more at peace.

Acceptance is key. He has his life to live. I have my own vibrant and enjoyable life. But sometimes, the magic is still there and the ease of being together is something that feels so much better than my ”fears”.

Enjoy your Boxing Day and your pint after!

I’m also very glad to hear you had a lovely family day Biscuit (and XY). I agree that the conflicting emotions are worth pushing through. Thank you XY for advising that it will get easier over the coming years. We’re a bit ahead here (in Aus) so it’s already ‘the-day-after-boxing-day’ where we (M and I) also had a traditional (for M) family and friends get together (he hosts and cooks for about 30 people every year! It was fabulous to be a part of it this year). Glad you’re also enjoying such a tradition but I had to laugh at it being a ‘beautiful winters day in London’ because it’s the middle of summer here but it was a ‘winters day’ weather-wise! Rain, cold, fog, the works 🤣🤣

[Biscuit]

Todays get together was wonderful. A walk in the beautiful woods of north London with a crew of about 20 or so adults and kids who have been friends for many years. Many of our friends are no longer together as couples but we usually try and get together on Boxing day. A couple of friends have new partners, but for those people they had a more "normal" break up - in that both people tried their very hardest for each other and their kids to make it work - counselling for years etc - but it just wasn't to be. And they are happy with new people and everyone gets along.
I didn't chat too much to W as so many others were there who I hadn't seen for a few weeks. One of our friends came who recently lost a close relative and we had the biggest hug and she thanked me for my support over the last few weeks as her family come to terms with a sudden bereavement.
We ate lunch as a huge group, as we waited for food I got the playing cards out and we had a couple of rounds of sh!thead - which is a very fun card game. I lost! Lol. I slipped up once and called W a pet name and I didn't get daggers - just a smile.
After the meal we said goodbye to W and D12 decided she'd like to go with our good friends kids to another park to try out their Xmas present - an electric motorbike for kids! I needed to go home and pop something over to W, so did that and then went to join D12 and her mates on a BMX track to try out the electric motorbike. It was brilliant fun - the kids we were with are more like siblings than friends to D12, we spend so much time with them! Their racial makeup is very similar to my kids and they often get mistaken for siblings by others.
The night drew in and me and D12 came home and watched tons of football (or soccer if you're from North America). My D has got more and more into football since me and her mum have lived apart. It's a really lovely way for us to bond. Although W is a football fan and comes with us to watch matches every week or so, she rarely watches other teams play, whereas D will watch any football game on TV. In fact a couple of days back when I asked D12 what festive  film or TV she'd like to watch with me - she said - "Liverpool vs West Ham dad, it doesn't get more festive than that!".
Anyway, another lovely day with family and friends. I have much joy in my life through the people around me. It's sad that the crisis has taken away the W I once knew, but it does feel like she's very slowly returning to her pre-BD self.

[beyondblessed]

Your holidays sound lovely, Biscuit, and it sounds as if you navigated the moments spent with your W quite well.  The family time, even though different than before, is still so important, even more so for your kids.  Good on you for putting their needs first, even though it means you deal with all the extra emotion and conflicting feelings in the aftermath.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello and Happy Holidays!

I am glad that you had a wonderful time with your family. You are in a difficult time and still making the most of it.

Reconnection has been going on since June of this year and things are going well. It’s very very slow, but when I look back six months ago to now there’s been a definite improvement in our time spent together.

All of this process is so slow. Remember, just as she has changed, so have you. The relationship will be different. Think how you have changed over the past eighteen months. This is now two different people coming back together and all new marriage. It's okay. All relationships evolve over time and hopefully, so will yours.

Just remember how well you are doing now and know that you have survived the worst and are open to any resolution moving forward. That puts you in a good position and you can handle her and your emotions as you go to the next stages.

Just enjoy the new year, keep focused on being detached and living as if she is not coming back. That will help with the emotions when you do see her and maintain your own emotional health.

You are doing great!

(((Ready)))

[Biscuit]

Thanks guys.

Yet another family day yesterday. And again very successful. 4 families out for lunch then back to one of our houses for drinks, laughter, music and dancing.
Their house is big enough that the kids were in one area and I spent much time with the other dads in the kitchen and the W's played pool and chatted.
W left pretty late but I stayed and chatted to 2 of our friends late into the night. It was a difficult conversation as they were saying they thought that me and W were getting too close and that we should sell our house and live completely separate lives (we own 2 houses and live apart anyway). I told them that where me and W is at the moment is working for us as a family, that they are entitled to their opinions and that there's not a one size fits all for families living apart. Just because all our separated friends have decided to spend almost no time together that doesn't mean me and W should do the same.
I got the "you should move on" talk. It was well meaning and kind but I told them that I have moved on, I've grown and healed loads and I've forgiven W for what she did and I feel ready to start spending more time with her and the kids and that it doesn't destabilize me. And moving on for me doesn't mean finding a new relationship, it means finding myself again and learning to love who I am and appreciate all I've got.
Two more things came out of this conversation which were interesting (it was with a husband and wife - both are friends with both me and W). The wife said that my W is racked with guilt and she feels like when W spends time with me this guilt is compounded (quite possibly true) and that I need to give W more space to process her guilt - an observation I'll think on. Although my W has been very vocal throughout her crisis when she wants to be left alone, maybe she needs more space!
The husband spoke very very briefly about my W's OM she was seeing for about a year - I've never spoken to anyone about this person before. He said  - "he's a f@£king nobhead and I've no idea what your W saw in him"! Again I've not focussed on the OM ever really - but it was kind of reassuring to hear that he was probably an affair down in most of our friends eyes.

3 days on the trot seeing W and family and all were good  - at least for me- but no more family plans for a couple of weeks so I'll let her be and give her some space to think about how this quite intense period of contract has been for her - and I will do the same.

Loads more festive football on TV today so I'm going to see an old mate and get a takeaway and a couple of beers and we're going to set up 2 tv's in his lounge so we can watch both games (one is my team and the other is his). I think it will be great fun! Probably lots of football banetr and swearing I imagine!
Kids back with me tomorrow so I'll take them to a gallery in the next couple of days and try and have some fun times with them.

Festive wishes to all - B x

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

A lot of stuff packed in a very concise post.

It was a difficult conversation as they were saying they thought that me and W were getting too close and that we should sell our house and live completely separate lives (we own 2 houses and live apart anyway). I told them that where me and W is at the moment is working for us as a family, that they are entitled to their opinions and that there's not a one size fits all for families living apart.

This is a very true statement and there is never a one true route for for happiness or a making any relationship work. There are many happy couples that sleep in separate rooms and are completely content as they are unable to sleep together. They are still intimate, but enjoy their own space. Nothing wrong- their choice and it makes the relationship work.

The purpose of this site is to support you as you go through this process. Many of us on this site have moved on, others still stand, and we have had couples come back together. A new relationship is not always the answer. I love my new wife, but she is not a replacement for the ex-wife. She is a completely different person and our marriage is not the same as my previous marriage. It's different and we face different issues and interact differently.

The wife said that my W is racked with guilt and she feels like when W spends time with me this guilt is compounded (quite possibly true) and that I need to give W more space to process her guilt - an observation I'll think on.

Guilt is a feeling that is projected outwards and doesn't take responsibility for actions or decisions. "You make me feel bad". Remorse is feeling sorry for the hurt they have caused, "I am sorry that my actions have hurt you and I realize the pain I have caused." That's inward and has empathy. Guilt is a MLCer reaction towards the LBSer while still in the tunnel and remorse is an action of a person truly seeking forgiveness. This is the tricky part of reconciliation and that is why the people who have actually reconciled have intentionally gone slow.

The husband spoke very very briefly about my W's OM she was seeing for about a year - I've never spoken to anyone about this person before. He said  - "he's a f@£king nobhead and I've no idea what your W saw in him"! Again I've not focussed on the OM ever really - but it was kind of reassuring to hear that he was probably an affair down in most of our friends eyes.

I was born in the south of the United States and we have a saying, "If you go looking for love in the Kitty Litter Box, what do you think you will find?"

Just saying and have a fantastic day,

(((Ready)))

[Biscuit]

Thanks Ready…

Great reply!

X