[WHY]

I think most of the situation “getting better” over time is actually a result of the LBS evolving and becoming stronger.  Stuff that would leave me in a puddle for days in the beginning no longer affects me in the same way.  I think it’s less about MLCer improvement and more about LBS strength. 

In reading RCR and HB, it seems like the MLCer change is so slow, it’s only noticed like 6 months down the line and not in the moment. 

[Helpnewc]

Good work Biscuit

I too am a much better creature. But gee, I wish she would give me a go.

I hope you both find your way forward

[FaithWalker]

Biscuit, so sorry you got the smackdown over your anniversary text.  I have heard that it's best to mirror the MLCer.  IF they wish you a Happy Birthday, then their next birthday you can wish them one.  On anniversaries, let them reach out.  They may or may not, but put the ball in their court.

Now, this doesn't mean that you can't privately do something yourself to honor the day.  Give yourself a little gift, or go on an outing, or if it's not too painful, re-watch your wedding video.  Maybe not 2 years in, but later, when you are stronger.

The first few years, the passing of the anniversary meant everything to me.  I had to definitely find some self-care for the day.  But after time moved on, it felt ok to just let the day slide by.  Of course, at that point my MLCer was married to someone else, so it just made sense, for me.

[Biscuit]

Faith,

That's great advice - thank you! I like the idea of a little private celebration, because, to me, it is worth celebrating - it was the start of many many happy times, which were real, at least to me. Recently W accepts and has said that we had many good years and loads of wonderful moments together.

X

[FrenchHusband]

Do I wish it hadn't happened - yes, definitely.
Am I making the most of what I've currently got - without doubt!

I love these sentences ! Well done, and thanks to write here

[Biscuit]

Thanks for the replies fellow LBSers.

Last couple of days with the kids have been brilliant - we've had so much fun - we went to a funfair / arcade. We've watched films and eaten dinner on the sofa (this is definitely a treat in our house, we usually sit at the table as a rule - bith W and I had this instilled into us as children and it's stuck with both if us since).

An interesting observation came upon me tonight. Yesterday I dropped D at a Saturday club (very close to where W is). As I got there W texted to ask if I'd go round there to see her for a chat (I've no idea about what, but she obviously wanted to speak to me when the kids aren't around).
The Biscuit of even a few months ago would've been round there like  a shot, and totally monkeybraining about what she needed to speak to me about alone.
Well I texted back and said it's not convenient now as I'm using the Saturday club time to do something, and unless it's urgent it will have to wait. Didn't even worry about what it is she wanted to say - theres not much more she can sling at me that would hurt me any further than she has TBH. 
Anyway apparently it can wait. I'm not going to worry about what  it is until I find out - if that makes sense?

Night, B x

[Helpnewc]

That is a good sign B.

It is amazing when the power dynamic changes. When there is no more hurt than can give you.

But I believe in love and reconciliation. If that is what both want and are prepared to work at it.

Of course, I am fool. But I don’t mind being that fool.

[Reinventing]

Helpnewc,

I agree it's a good sign. I'm going to suggest a small edit to what you said:

That is a good sign B.

It is amazing when the power dynamic changes. When there is no more hurt than can give you.

But AND I believe in love and reconciliation. If that is what both want and are prepared to work at it.

Of course, I am fool. But I don’t mind being that fool.

Not a fool. I changed to "And" to emphasize that the LBS healing is not in opposition to possible reconciliation. Those that have reconciled show the strength and reserves they need for that process.

[Helpnewc]

I like the edit

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

The Biscuit of even a few months ago would've been round there like  a shot, and totally monkeybraining about what she needed to speak to me about alone.
Well I texted back and said it's not convenient now as I'm using the Saturday club time to do something, and unless it's urgent it will have to wait. Didn't even worry about what it is she wanted to say - theres not much more she can sling at me that would hurt me any further than she has TBH.
Anyway apparently it can wait. I'm not going to worry about what  it is until I find out - if that makes sense?

You are learning the game. You don't have to jump at every moment on her whims. Trust me, if the tables were turned, she wouldn't rush to speak to you either. You responded like someone in a healthy mindset would respond. You did state you had other plans, but if it was important, you would drop those plans. Of course, if it was a true emergency, she would have called you.

You are now in a different place and that makes a difference because you are not wasting a lot of emotional energy on possible exchanges. This keeps you grounded and not wired to her crisis. After all,

Treasur, w has kind of said, like she did when she bomb dropped that the kids are hers, the cats are hers and the house is hers. Which is obviously ridiculous as all these things are shared. She likes the life we built, just wants to erase me from it!

I don't know your wife and I have never talked to her at all. However, from the post above, she doesn't want to erase you, she wants complete control. When people feel that they are losing control over a situation especially their life (ie Mid-life crisis) they begin to take very controlling actions to try and bring the illusion of control back.

However, reality is that no one is in complete control. Some may know more and have more influence than others, but there is no ultimate human or group of humans that controls and orchestrates our world. Your wife doesn't, Ready doesn't and neither do you. We try and make decisions and take actions over ourselves and influence others. We don't always make the right choices and don't always influence our loved ones. That's okay, it's called life.

And now you have reached the point where you are living yours again.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))