Why,
Thanks for replying. So, "doing the work", hmmm, depends on how you look at it. Accountability? - not so much, a couple of apologies but other than that not much. Getting help from a trained therapist? - I don't think so, although she has spoken about it - we don't live together so I'm not sure what she does when we're not hanging out together. Starting to reflect and understand what has happened? - yes I think so.
So yes, there's a long way to go in those respects.
What do I see, which I would be interpreted as not a coping mechanism but the actions of a person reconnecting with an estranged friend or spouse? A lot actually. She shows great kindness, although tries to hide this sometimes, (for instance I have received very thoughtful gifts - which the kids have said mum chose, or bought - but when I thank W for them she says - oh S or D got that for you). She makes a real effort to ask how I feel about a situation or topic - but I sometimes feel like she finds it hard to understand or comprehend my response (lack of empathy maybe). She goes out of her way to help me out with the kids if she knows I'm busy or have work commitments. I've journalled very recently that she has financially helped out with our combined tax bill this year - she did not have to do this at all.
We genuinely have fun together, we laugh, joke, poke fun at each other and enjoy each others company (up to a point!). I'd say these things feel like a reconnection. We also have had good and pretty deep conversations about a range of topics - mostly to do with the kids - some about family and friends - but none about "us".
It feels like progress to me - it's definitely better than a year ago, and probably 3 months ago, and maybe even better since last month - and if it stays at this and we just stay as friends and co-parents then I'll take that over monster wife from hell anyday.