Thank you, Biscuit & UrsaMajor.
I picked up the framed work on Friday and I am really very pleased with the results. It is not about having possession of it and feeling as if I have won some battle, because that certainly isn't the case. In fact, like so many of the MLC experiences, it cost me money, which made me laugh a little as I paid the framer.
It has never been about money for me. That is not it at all. It has at least in my case been a bit of a joke since I often made decisions full well knowing that it might cost me money to keep my own sanity when it came to dealing with the MLCer.
As I explained to my sister yesterday, the financial hit I took when Xh went into MLC was rough and continues to be a struggle at times to overcome, but that was never the true cost of his meltdown. That keeps bubbling up when I am the only one the kids can truly rely on to be there. S maybe has some of Xh's attention and Xh does help him from time to time, but when it suits him. D is the one most impacted by the lack of Xh's presence and right now, I wish he were at least involved somehow - for D's sake and mine to a degree.
This is not about wanting to reconnect or wanting what was. I accepted that is not possible and have happily moved on down a new relationship path. However, I sometimes wish Xh were involved from the standpoint that I am ultimately the one D comes to for things. It can be exhausting, particularly when she is dealing with stress and having her F around her would be helpful - if he were able to be emotionally. It is not about finances, but more that I realize that she is wired more like he is and it is why they understood one another. He would have been able to help her in ways I sometimes can't, simply because I just don't operate the same way, no matter how I try. That is not a criticism of D or Xh by any stretch of the imagination. D may be intense, but that I can navigate. It is that she needs organization and planning more than I do and if things don't go the way she planned, it makes her way more anxious than I get. My assuring her it will work out is not going to help her out.
I think in part it is because having been in teaching for so long, I have had to adapt the "monitor and adjust" lifestyle, since my classroom can change dynamics wise at a moment's notice. Little things can occur that have trained me to have to pivot in that moment. Pair that with my general demeanor, and I don't often get myself twisted in knots. That works for me, but not for most people.
I sometimes think people believe I am completely carefree and without some worry. That is far from the truth. I lay in bed at night sometimes hoping some magic answer will come to me about issues that arise. Those solutions rarely come at night and just make for me being overtired the next day or two. It is my ability to at least put on a good front sometimes that drives D nuts. D broods much like Xh and tries to figure out solutions, which is commendable, but sometimes there are no solutions beyond wait and see. That is a huge challenge for D as it was for Xh - letting it go and waiting.
So, the wait and see currently is that D starts graduate school in June. She has only received information about parking. Her housing has not been settled. Her loans are not confirmed, since it seems the whole FASFA applications are all mucked up and affecting everyone. It is a bit maddening, since there seems to sometimes be a disconnect when it comes to those things - I have worked in education long enough to hear it first hand from those I work with. It takes some of us pointing out that while the colleges let the students ride it out until monies come in, like in the form of they won't be billed for housing until money is released, for some it means there is not enough money for groceries or books, etc. D has money stockpiled, but that is weighing on her - fear that she will run out of money quickly and no matter how much I assure her I will help her out as much as I can, there is that looming stress. Especially since there are so many unknowns. We don't have a move in date nor does she have any idea of her schedule. D is working through it, but the unknowns are weighing on her and making her more than a little tense. There is nothing I can do or say. There is nothing more she can do, as she is doing all she can on her end - making sure she is set with immunizations and all of the necessary things that need done ahead of time.
Add to the mix, she longs for her F to call her and be so proud of her accomplishment. Being the only recipient of a scholarship is a huge achievement and it is one she deserves. She was already telling me that her first white coat ceremony is going to be in August and she had wanted certain people to be there. She mentioned to someone we know, (in front of my sister) that she has two cousins, and two aunts and uncles. Neither my sister nor I corrected her, but we both asked her later. She was very matter of fact about it. She counts BIL 2 and his wife in the mix, but as for others, my sister and her family are it. In reality, D has 8 other cousins and 8 other aunts and uncles, along with extended family on Xh's side. D said she doesn't count any of them, ever since they all disappeared after the divorce and chose not to really be involved in the way that they were when we were together. She isn't wrong. That has always bothered me that they disappeared from D and S's lives. Part of that was Xh's doing and his insistence that they take a side. I wasn't surprised, as they were told to take sides in their own parent's divorce years ago.
I just need to get through my own semester with final grades, etc and then hopefully, D has more answers. I have to admit, I am not really loving the unknowns myself when it comes to this issue. It leaves my month of May very vulnerable in the sense that I have things planned that I fear may get derailed. It also doesn't allow me to plan anything out that needs to be. Even little things such as I had an opportunity to participate in a large art exhibit. The problem is I can't commit to it based on when the drop off dates are, etc. It requires driving a bit of a distance and shipping the work is not an option I want to take, due to the location and the company - it is not a place that is open every day of the week. I have thought of other options, but the reality is, it is not something I can commit to this time and only because of the unknowns that are dictating D's moving out. It is frustrating for both of us, which is not helping the mood in the household.
I am coping by trying to spend more time working outside of my office. My remote class is being subjected to me being outside, either at the lake or on my back deck. Some have decided to do the same. I encouraged them to embrace the good weather, as long as they are able to focus and finish work. Some reached out and said that they felt so inspired and never thought about working outside on a project at a table as opposed to being at their desk. That is a plus.
I wish all of the feedback were like that, however it is still the end of the semester, so the usual things are coming all at once. I have countless meetings and events popping up this week. All good things, and enjoyable, but it makes it tough to find the time to actually do the necessary prep work and grading without putting in late hours. That is nothing new though.
I have my fingers crossed that D gets some answers soon. Xh - that is just something that is always going to perplex me. I can't fix it and I really only find myself thinking about it when it affects the kids and I am the one dealing with the fallout. The MLC gift that keeps giving.
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