[titleholder]

Sooo I haven’t been on here for a while. After my last post and some of the responses something broke inside of me and I decided to take a step back. I want to state that I’m very much aware of the depression my xH is batteling and I treat him with much more kindness than he deserves. But the moment he does something that affects my D2 I’m holding him accountable and I don’t see that as something ‘unhealthy’ in my sense of self or something I have to figure out. I’m a mother and I’ll stick up for my D2 no matter what! It’s my obligation to her and since my xH decided to divorce that loyalty in regards to him is non-existent. I appreciate all your insights here on HS, I really do. But on topics concerning my D2 I really want to ask you to threat lightly, thank you :-)

For the ones who don’t know my story. My xH (at that time 33) DB me in april of 2022. We were together for 15 years, married for 4 years and our D was 1 years old at that moment. He stated that he wanted an open relationship, that there was an OW who he was in love with (total affair down) and that he missed out on living on his own, doing drugs, sleeping with other women and living without responsibilities. He said that he has always pleased others, that he lived with a mask on his entire life, that he didn’t know who he was, that he’s a chameleon and that the last 15 years with me were a complete lie.

My xH was (and is) struggling with his role as a father. He’s always been someone who had difficulty growing up and as for pleasing others, my xH alway was very focused on his own needs and personal space. I've been the go-getter in this relationship. It’s something I’ve always accepted and I loved my xH very much, but it’s something I see clearly in hindsight now. He’s been way to dependend on me (and still tries to be)

I’ve had coaching sessions with Kendra-Ruth where she stated that she believed that my xH wasn’t in MLC but never really created a stable identity en is now in a state of diffusion. The things I read on HS are really one-on-one with the things my xH says ands does, so identity diffusion or not; the scripts he’s using is very real.

In june of 2022 I had a severe panic attack because of my xH behaviour (drinking, keeping contact with different OW’s, not sleeping, running out of the house and the complete lack of affection and regard for my feelings). He wasn’t really taking responsibility in taking care of our D2 and at that moment I realised that if I let my xH continu this way I would be completely ruined and who would my D2 have to fall back on? So I stated a firm boundary that I wasn’t going to live in the same house if he wouldn’t stop contact with OW and decided to work on our marriage. You can guess it, he immediately left.

We started relationship therapy in july 2022 but this was severly traumatising. xH monstered, stated all the things I did wrong in the relationship and wasn’t invested in saving our marriage . Next tot he relationship therapy we planned family outings which were fun, but my xH constantly taunted me with the need to sleep with other women and that our marriage was standing in the way of this.

In september 2022 I’ve had enough. I wasn’t going to be treated this way and I prepared a battleplan that when we would divorce I would get the things that were most important to me: the biggest chunk of custody of my D and owning the home we bought. So I pushed my xH into a commitment which I already knew he wasn't going to make and that ended in him wanting a divorce. I pushed the divorce through very quickly and got the things I wanted: my home and 70% of the custody of my D!

Looking back I don’t think I made the best decision for standing, but I think I absolutely made the best decision in creating a safe environment for my D (and for me). I really feel for my xH but you don’t threat your partner of 15 years and the mother of your childeren the way he has.

Since then my xH has spiralled down pushing away all our long term friends and family who have morals (the ones without morals are the ones he kept) changed jobs, dived in deep with OW doing drugs en going to techno-party’s and regularly lacking responsibilities regarding our D. He looks terrible, but I don't think he's even close to rock-bottom.

Untill december 2022 I was holding on to standing, but after another fruitless conversation with xH I stopped my stand. I decided to go on an dating app just to see what was out there and also as a way to detach myself from my xH. After a couple of days I met a lovely guy who I’ve been completely honest with about my situation and we’re still dating. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. We’re both single parents (he has a 50/50 custody) and have our bagage from our past. So sometimes there is friction but we both have the intention to talk everything out, listen to eachothers feelings and emotions and evolve from that. I’ve recently learned that he has been battling with depression his whole life (after what has happened with my xH this scared me very much) but he’s had intensive (schema) therapy and I see that he’s capable using the tools he learned in therapy in daily life. He's really focused on his son and you can see that this is the most important thing in his life. We both want the same things in life and share the importance of family.

If you told me 1,5 years ago that this would be my life right now I wouldn’t have believed it. But I’ve overcome so much and I’m super proud of myself! My life right now isn’t the life I pictured and that’s the thing I’ve been mourning still.. But when I live day to day I can say that there is a lot in my life that I’m thankfull for. I can truely say that me and my D2 are ok and that we’ll have a great life, no matter what my xH does or says.

I really debated on coming back here, but HS has brought me so much and I know that any story of a forward moving spouse is helpfull.

Old topic:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11939.0

[Treasur]

Thank you for coming back to share the story of your own progress.

Did you think that people would be negative about your decision to focus on saving yourself and your little one with a divorce? Please don’t be…..it sounds healthy and wise to me to ensure you protect the things that matter most to you. Your xh will either dig himself out of his own hole or he won’t…. You’re standing or not will make no difference to that.

To be honest, a lot of LBS end up having to file for divorce to protect themselves and/or their kids. Imho, and it is just my opinion, I think the choice to stand can depend on the circumstances of specific situations just as much as one’s values. And who on earth could blame you for putting your girl first?

Congratulations on surviving the s$itshow and I wish you fair winds with your new life!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sooo I haven’t been on here for a while. After my last post and some of the responses something broke inside of me and I decided to take a step back. I want to state that I’m very much aware of the depression my xH is batteling and I treat him with much more kindness than he deserves. But the moment he does something that affects my D2 I’m holding him accountable and I don’t see that as something ‘unhealthy’ in my sense of self or something I have to figure out. I’m a mother and I’ll stick up for my D2 no matter what! It’s my obligation to her and since my xH decided to divorce that loyalty in regards to him is non-existent. I appreciate all your insights here on HS, I really do. But on topics concerning my D2 I really want to ask you to threat lightly, thank you :-)

First of all, I am sorry that in anyway you felt mistreated especially concerning that you have a baby and dealing with his crisis as well. As bad as my ex was at the end, I can state that while our babies were young, she was very good and did her best to make a great home for our children. Your ex is missing out on so much. My brother-in-law just had a baby and every weekend, he brings him over and we all just adore him. Every week there is something new. Your h is missing out on that.

As far as birthday's go, he's missing out. I remember when my oldest was young and it was close to my birthday. She and my ex came home from shopping and I asked her if she had a good time shopping. She blurted out, "It was great, we bought you a pair of pants for your birthday and it's a secret." She looked at me and said, "I wasn't supposed to say that." I gave her a hug and told her it didn't matter at all. Great moment and great memory. He is not going to have that.

We don't know your story, we don't know the words and commitments he made to you in regards to having a child. I know it was my dream of raising our children as a family filled with love and support. So when all of this happened, it really sent you for a wild ride. Babies are hard, hard work and then to discover that the father didn't want to be a father and feels he missed out on the wonders of sleeping around and doing drugs. Wow.

I really like the part of living without responsibilities- that passed when you were living at home buddy.

I’ve had coaching sessions with Kendra-Ruth where she stated that she believed that my xH wasn’t in MLC but never really created a stable identity en is now in a state of diffusion.

My opinion is that throughout our lives, we transition many times adolescent, young adulthood, mid life, old age. While most of us transition through these periods successfully, many of us do not. Instead they go through a severe crisis of identity. Your ex had had that crisis and may have another crisis down the road. In the end, your exh is deep in his tunnel and it is anyone's guess what is going to come out of that tunnel in the end.

Looking back I don’t think I made the best decision for standing, but I think I absolutely made the best decision in creating a safe environment for my D (and for me).

From my perspective, you did a great job of standing. We all live forward and understand backwards. You took the time to try and save your h and your marriage. Now you can look back without any regrets. You don't have to worry thinking, "Did I try my best?" "Did I rush into the divorce?" You won't have those thoughts or worries. Standing not only gives you time to consider your commitments but it gives you the time to heal and make decisions from a point of strength and soundness. Instead of reacting, you are responding. Big difference.

After a couple of days I met a lovely guy who I’ve been completely honest with about my situation and we’re still dating. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Good for you and it is all good because in your current situation, with your ex and your baby, you are the only adult in the room. You make decisions as the adult and that's fine. In the end, I know what you choose will always be for the best for your child and that is what matters most.

Don't be a stranger and keep letting us know how you are doing. Just know that the people at this site are some of the most caring people I have ever met and have helped so many people (me included). Even if we disagree, just know that their intent is to support you with your best interests in mind.

Have a super day,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Going through this with a baby when you are just starting out your family life has to be extremely difficult. My XH left after 30 years and like you I divorced him quickly to protect my finances. I also thought it best for our kids. I like you have stood up and spoke my mind about my XH treatment of his kids and GS. It is the mama bear in us and I dont care what age your kids are. It hurts when anyone hurts your kids and the two people that should be able to depend to not do that is your parents.

I also know that it is pointless to have these conversations as they are not mentally or emotionally mature enough for it to do any good, so if anyone advised you against saying or having those conversations I assume that is where they were coming from. With that said…. Sometimes you do have to do what you have to do. Everything cant be about biting your tongue because that will hurt your chances of their return. Sometimes being nice when you want to rip every hair out of their head just goes against the natural response. What I have learned however is fighting that urge as much as possible brings so much growth and peace and YES detachment.

You do what you have to do at any given moment to move forward. Anything said here is just suggestions from others that have been where your are. Every situation is different. We have to find our own path. Sounds like you are doing just that.

[titleholder]

Did you think that people would be negative about your decision to focus on saving yourself and your little one with a divorce? Please don’t be…..it sounds healthy and wise to me to ensure you protect the things that matter most to you. Your xh will either dig himself out of his own hole or he won’t…. You’re standing or not will make no difference to that.

To be honest, a lot of LBS end up having to file for divorce to protect themselves and/or their kids. Imho, and it is just my opinion, I think the choice to stand can depend on the circumstances of specific situations just as much as one’s values. And who on earth could blame you for putting your girl first?

Congratulations on surviving the s$itshow and I wish you fair winds with your new life!

Thank you Treasur! You're right, sometimes I've the tendency to defend myself for my divorce, but I know I did everything that I could (and accepted far more abuse then necessary) in order to save my marriage and family.

[titleholder]

First of all, I am sorry that in anyway you felt mistreated especially concerning that you have a baby and dealing with his crisis as well. As bad as my ex was at the end, I can state that while our babies were young, she was very good and did her best to make a great home for our children. Your ex is missing out on so much. My brother-in-law just had a baby and every weekend, he brings him over and we all just adore him. Every week there is something new. Your h is missing out on that.

As far as birthday's go, he's missing out. I remember when my oldest was young and it was close to my birthday. She and my ex came home from shopping and I asked her if she had a good time shopping. She blurted out, "It was great, we bought you a pair of pants for your birthday and it's a secret." She looked at me and said, "I wasn't supposed to say that." I gave her a hug and told her it didn't matter at all. Great moment and great memory. He is not going to have that.

Yes, it's so incredibly sad that he doesn't see the meaning in any of it.. He's missing out on such a big chunk of his D life and I keep having to remind him (and pick fights) about all the important days. Last week we had a 'wonderfull' fight about fathers day, you can guess it; he had something more imporant to do.

I always love your stories about you and your family Ready, it's clear that you are a family-man!

We don't know your story, we don't know the words and commitments he made to you in regards to having a child. I know it was my dream of raising our children as a family filled with love and support. So when all of this happened, it really sent you for a wild ride. Babies are hard, hard work and then to discover that the father didn't want to be a father and feels he missed out on the wonders of sleeping around and doing drugs. Wow.

I really like the part of living without responsibilities- that passed when you were living at home buddy.

He was the one who initiated on starting a family. We tried for more then a year to get pregnant so it wasn't an accident. I had a very traumatic labor and a lot of medical problems post-partum so the first years wasn't rainbows and sunshine for the both of us. I saw him struggling with his father role, but this was also something we talked about. I always thought this is something we've to overcome together and a lot of guys don't particurlarly like the first (baby) year. He really wanted to be a father, but it probably wasn't what he had pictured in his mind and instead of finding help he found OW. He's now doing the exact opposite of his life with me and our D. He chose not to fight for his family but to run for the hills.

My opinion is that throughout our lives, we transition many times adolescent, young adulthood, mid life, old age. While most of us transition through these periods successfully, many of us do not. Instead they go through a severe crisis of identity. Your ex had had that crisis and may have another crisis down the road. In the end, your exh is deep in his tunnel and it is anyone's guess what is going to come out of that tunnel in the end.

So I agree with this totally!

From my perspective, you did a great job of standing. We all live forward and understand backwards. You took the time to try and save your h and your marriage. Now you can look back without any regrets. You don't have to worry thinking, "Did I try my best?" "Did I rush into the divorce?" You won't have those thoughts or worries. Standing not only gives you time to consider your commitments but it gives you the time to heal and make decisions from a point of strength and soundness. Instead of reacting, you are responding. Big difference.

Thank your Ready for your kind words, they really help me! Thank you for all the times your responded on my post or send me a DM, you've really been a life-saver!

Wish you all the best! Enjoy your family and we'll keep in touch!

[titleholder]

Going through this with a baby when you are just starting out your family life has to be extremely difficult. My XH left after 30 years and like you I divorced him quickly to protect my finances. I also thought it best for our kids. I like you have stood up and spoke my mind about my XH treatment of his kids and GS. It is the mama bear in us and I dont care what age your kids are. It hurts when anyone hurts your kids and the two people that should be able to depend to not do that is your parents.

I also know that it is pointless to have these conversations as they are not mentally or emotionally mature enough for it to do any good, so if anyone advised you against saying or having those conversations I assume that is where they were coming from. With that said…. Sometimes you do have to do what you have to do. Everything cant be about biting your tongue because that will hurt your chances of their return. Sometimes being nice when you want to rip every hair out of their head just goes against the natural response. What I have learned however is fighting that urge as much as possible brings so much growth and peace and YES detachment.

You do what you have to do at any given moment to move forward. Anything said here is just suggestions from others that have been where your are. Every situation is different. We have to find our own path. Sounds like you are doing just that.

Thank your MadLuv! I've always had the feeling we are pretty on the same page with how we look at the crisis and how we deal with it! We have that mamma bear inside of us yes 

[Curiosity]

Thank you for coming back and updating your story! Success isn’t defined by the status of your relationship with the MLCer - success is about you learning to take care of yourself (and kids, for those who have them) and learning that you are deserving of peace and happiness in your life, and you are capable of creating those things for yourself. And there will always be ups and downs but it’s about giving yourself room to succeed, and room to learn how to be better when those lessons present themselves. And for what it’s worth, your story sounds like a resounding success to me (not that anyone in the world has the right to judge you).

[titleholder]

Thank you for coming back and updating your story! Success isn’t defined by the status of your relationship with the MLCer - success is about you learning to take care of yourself (and kids, for those who have them) and learning that you are deserving of peace and happiness in your life, and you are capable of creating those things for yourself. And there will always be ups and downs but it’s about giving yourself room to succeed, and room to learn how to be better when those lessons present themselves. And for what it’s worth, your story sounds like a resounding success to me (not that anyone in the world has the right to judge you).

Thank you for your kind words! They mean a lot! 

[titleholder]

I’ve had an in depth conversation with my xH last week. His mother went to a therapy session with him and she confronted him with the fact that he treated me like trash, his anger and that if we didn’t had D2 I wouldn’t have any contact with him. That remark hit home and my xH stated to his mom that he felt sick and that he wondered ‘am I a monster?’

He texted me directly that he wanted to talk to me about these topics. He said that his anger is wrapped up in guilt and shame and that the reason he treats me like this is because he’s deadly ashamed for what he put ‘us’ through. That the more therapy he has the more ‘$h!te’ keeps coming up and that he’s a massive conflict avoider. So wow, that’s some movement in the tunnel.

He also talks about his disturbed view of sexuality and that sex is something dirty for him and he knows that is firetruckedup. He totally disconnected me from sex and desires and that he questions his ability to attach to anyone in a healthy way.

He could see these topics as something we could’ve been working on together, but for him it’s still an excuse to run away.

He stopped drinking, smoking and doing drugs (he said they weren’t much fun anyway). OW is still very much in his life and what I’ve heard that relationship is certainly not an healthy one..

So from my POV he’s beginning to look in the mirror but still has a looong way to go! I mostly listened, validated and tweaked his story here and there.

Onwards!

[Treasur]

What I hope you took from this conversation - and can use it as a reminder of you forget - is that what happened, and the end of your marriage and change to your family, really truly wasn’t about you or caused by you. You did your very best but, for whatever set of reasons, you were working one-handed. I suspect that matters to you and that it will matter to you in the future.

What I will sound a small parp-parp warning signal about is to beware others trying to pull you into any kind of triangles or roles that are not in your best interests. Those realisations your xh says he’s having - and they may or may not stick or translate into actions, time will tell - are imho no longer much your business. They may matter to him, or his mother even….but he is your xh now, not your h or partner. Right now, he is not even your friend bc there is little or no reciprocity. So maybe keep an eye on what feels appropriate or useful in your new role as an xw or even as a Co-parent? Just bc someone wants to talk does not imho mean you are obliged to listen. Things change when you are an xw surely? And that will probably get clearer with time.

But perhaps remind yourself that if supportive listening and your opinion made no real difference when he WAS your husband, it seems pretty unlikely that it will make much difference now. And it is perhaps rather selfish of him to think he should still be able to use you for support….particularly as I suspect he was completely unavailable to you in your own recovery process…..he is where he is bc of his own choices, he will either do the hard work on his own stuff as an adult or he won’t. Either way, beyond your control or responsibility, I’d humbly suggest? And his wanting to talk to you tbh might even be a return to an old pattern for both of you which no longer fits the realities of where you both are or keep you stuck in a role that no longer works for you.

Out of interest, what were you thinking when he said he wanted to talk to you? What do you think he was looking to get out of doing that? And you? What would have happened if you had said some polite version of No? Not suggesting this is some huge ‘fail’ on your part lol, just flagging it as something to keep an eye on maybe if it becomes a new pattern. (I suspect you might feel something about it linked to going he can be a better father? But that desire also creates a tender spot through which you can be manipulated, intentionally or otherwise, into playing a role in his psychodrama that may not serve you well. And tbh, is that a job, the build a grown up father task, you want to take on for the next 16 years? Jmo)

[Imgood]

Hi Titleholder, with the recent movement with your exH, I’m wondering, does he know you’ve been seeing someone since December or does he have no idea?
I’ve seen some movement in my sitch recently. I definitely think my exH knows I’m doing just fine without him!

[Dragonfly33]

I with everything Treasur said. Keep your distance, otherwise he will suck u back into his drama.

[UrsaMajor]

Stay Tuned for the next episode of


<Yes, I have just dated myself - sigh>

In the grand scheme of things, if you are done, then his "newfound epiphany" is rather irrelevant in terms of your personal situation. If it helps your co-parenting situation though, I would count that as a win as long as it doesn't toss a monkey-wrench in your gears....

[titleholder]

Thank you for your respons Treasur!

Out of interest, what were you thinking when he said he wanted to talk to you? What do you think he was looking to get out of doing that? And you?

I'm still looking for answers and perhaps closure. What he was looking to get is the same thing as always; me understanding why he did what he did. For me it's indeed a confirmation that what has happened has little to with me or our marriage but a whole lot about him. I have sympathy for the things he's battling but not the way that he decided to deal with his inner demons. On the other hand it's frustrating because to me this were all topics we could've battled together, but he choose not to. He's still a teenager trapped inside an adult body. He's making some progress but he's nowhere near the end..

Hi Titleholder, with the recent movement with your exH, I’m wondering, does he know you’ve been seeing someone since December or does he have no idea? I’ve seen some movement in my sitch recently. I definitely think my exH knows I’m doing just fine without him!

He knows I'm dating and I know that he's not all too excited about that. Good to hear that there's movement with your xH and that he sees you don't need him. I'm curious to see how our situations will develop..

I with everything Treasur said. Keep your distance, otherwise he will suck u back into his drama.

Truer than true Dragonfly! For now I needed this conversation for me, but talk-time is over for the next couple of months. It's his job to figure himself out.

n the grand scheme of things, if you are done, then his "newfound epiphany" is rather irrelevant in terms of your personal situation. If it helps your co-parenting situation though, I would count that as a win as long as it doesn't toss a monkey-wrench in your gears....

Hahaha king of gifs back at it again UM ;-)

It does help me some bits, but it's also firetrucking with my sanity again. So talky-time is over for the next couple of months. He has to figure all this stuff out for himself and I see things getting clearer and the blame getting less, but he's still using everything to validate him leaving his family. So he's still got some goooood old thinkin', therapy and 'rock-bottomin' to do!

[Singstein]

Your story is really in some ways similar to mine (H age; things he said about how he feels in his life). It sounds like you are doing well now and I take it as an inspiration 

[titleholder]

Your story is really in some ways similar to mine (H age; things he said about how he feels in his life). It sounds like you are doing well now and I take it as an inspiration 

Thank you Singstein! And you’re always welcome to DM if you want somebody to talk to!

[titleholder]

Hello friends!

I haven’t been here in a while but I still read along with your stories as they give me strength and wisedom. I’ve decided to keep on journaling for my own comfort but also to record my journey as a forward moving LBS.

Sooo a lot has happened these last couple of months. I broke off my relationship with the man I was dating. For me a valuable lesson and boundary out of this experience is that when a man has a  history of (severe) depression: I’m out. Maybe this is a really harsh statement and I don’t want to offend anyone, but I realised I can’t deal with the way of thinking that links to depression. I’m probably blessed with a ‘healthy’ way of thinking and a healthy coping mechanism, something to be thankfull for! But I really refuse to step in another relationship where I’m the one doing all the hard work, been there done that! 

Next to that I sort of experienced a touch & go with my xH. I wasn’t dating and he and the OW broke it off. They went on a holiday together but this was a total disaster and my xH ended the vacation after two days and went home. We talked a lot, about him, about me, about our relationship and the relationship we both had. Nothing physical happened, but the emotional connection was there again. I sort of went in with no expectations but quickly realised I got sucked in on his rollercoaster. I know this isn’t considered as ‘wise’ as my xH is clearly still far in the tunnel but I decided to open the conversation; what are we doing here? Why do we have this kind of contact? What’s the meaning? This ended up again being a really confusion conversation where he stated that he really cares for me but … (enter MLC blabla here). He even stated that I'm the only one he can really talk to about what he's going through right now. What the hell..? He really likes the life with low responsibillity for our D and that he has a lot of free time to do what he wants. That I have the exact opposite of that doesn’t even accur to him. He’s still only focused on his wants and his needs. I saw glimmers of my old xH, but quickly they were gone again replaced by the selfish MLC’er. During that conversation I discoverd that he and OW were back on, so after a moment of clearity off in the tunnel he goes! So boundaries are in place again and dark/dim contact. I think this really was my last straw of hope. I know MLC takes a long time but I just can’t take it anymore.. I think he'll never grow up and face responsibility.

Me and D2 are doing really well! I feel that my healing journey is going along quiet well and I’m enjoying the little things in life again more and more (this has always been my strong suit). My xH isn’t capable of bringing me out of balance that easily anymore. I really look forward to the Holidays and my D turning 3 in december! Me and her are having an awesome life filled with family and friends and I look forward to keep building that life together with her.

Love! TH

[Dragonfly33]

Titleholder, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s good to hear you’re able to distance yourself from your H. My xh is similar to your ex in the sense that this year he would still try to pull me back in his rollercoaster. Like on my last bday , he sent me a card telling me he’s sad and crying every night because he missed me. All the time he was with his OW. Also this summer he replied to my email by closing it with Love, his name. All this time he was vacationing with the OW. So as much as possible try not to het sucked in again in his crazy ride. Continue your journey to healing. Now you knpw what kind of men you should be avoiding. That’s progress.

[FaithWalker]

TH, I'm thrilled that you will continue journaling your LBS life here.   

I hope you and D have a great Holiday season upcoming!

[titleholder]

Titleholder, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s good to hear you’re able to distance yourself from your H. My xh is similar to your ex in the sense that this year he would still try to pull me back in his rollercoaster. Like on my last bday , he sent me a card telling me he’s sad and crying every night because he missed me. All the time he was with his OW. Also this summer he replied to my email by closing it with Love, his name. All this time he was vacationing with the OW. So as much as possible try not to het sucked in again in his crazy ride. Continue your journey to healing. Now you knpw what kind of men you should be avoiding. That’s progress.

Thank you for your reply Dragonfly! It always amazes me how alike they al are… Crazy that somewhere deep down they probably really care for us, but then turn around and will choose the OW over and over and over again.

[titleholder]

TH, I'm thrilled that you will continue journaling your LBS life here.   

I hope you and D have a great Holiday season upcoming!

Thank you FW! I wish you the same!!

[Reinventing]

Crazy that somewhere deep down they probably really care for us,

Yes, and given their actions--choosing OW, living somewhere else, making memories with others--it is good to stay detached instead of being pulled in to their unstable fantasy world.

They "ping" us when it's easy for them. "Pretty is as pretty does", would be what I remember being told and their actions speak volumes.

[UrsaMajor]

Yes, and given their actions--choosing OW, living somewhere else, making memories with others--it is good to stay detached instead of being pulled in to their unstable fantasy world.

They "ping" us when it's easy for them. "Pretty is as pretty does", would be what I remember being told and their actions speak volumes.

They be checkin' that Anchor.... <Yank Yank!  Still there?>

[Dragonfly33]

They be checkin' that Anchor.... <Yank Yank!  Still there?>

Only that the ship has sailed.

[titleholder]

All truer then true, still! The advice to focus on yourself and create stability is gold in the beginning after BD but is still as effective years later. Crazy to think that slowly my '2 year anniversary' of BD is creeping closer. It still is a rollercoaster ride but luckily I have stepped off for the most part.

[beyondblessed]

Great update,TH.  You are learning the lessons and putting your focus and energy where it will be best served:  YOU and your child.  You cannot control what the MLC'ER chooses to do, over and over again, but you can move forward and create a life you will truly love and one of which you can be proud.  That's where the magic happens;  turning ashes to diamonds.

[KayDee]

Next to that I sort of experienced a touch & go with my xH. I wasn’t dating and he and the OW broke it off. They went on a holiday together but this was a total disaster and my xH ended the vacation after two days and went home. We talked a lot, about him, about me, about our relationship and the relationship we both had. Nothing physical happened, but the emotional connection was there again. I sort of went in with no expectations but quickly realised I got sucked in on his rollercoaster. I know this isn’t considered as ‘wise’ as my xH is clearly still far in the tunnel but I decided to open the conversation; what are we doing here? Why do we have this kind of contact? What’s the meaning? This ended up again being a really confusion conversation where he stated that he really cares for me but … (enter MLC blabla here). He even stated that I'm the only one he can really talk to about what he's going through right now. What the hell..? He really likes the life with low responsibillity for our D and that he has a lot of free time to do what he wants. That I have the exact opposite of that doesn’t even accur to him. He’s still only focused on his wants and his needs. I saw glimmers of my old xH, but quickly they were gone again replaced by the selfish MLC’er. During that conversation I discoverd that he and OW were back on, so after a moment of clearity off in the tunnel he goes! So boundaries are in place again and dark/dim contact. I think this really was my last straw of hope. I know MLC takes a long time but I just can’t take it anymore.. I think he'll never grow up and face responsibility.

I wanted to respond to your message on my thread TH (thank you for your comments - I nodded along), but then I had to start a new thread - so I thought I would respond here. What you describe above, I see many similarities with what happened to me in the summer. It's hard not to get drawn in, because we still hold the image of our former spouse in our hearts  - so when we get glimpses and in this case it seems like a big glimpse with some introspection on his part  - well, it is so bittersweet, and I for one wanted to believe that my H was going to work on himself. And maybe he meant it when he said it, but what I suspect happens in these early days is that, when they are struggling, they are drawn towards us because we know them so well and they may feel safe with us. Perhaps it is initially soothing for them and perhaps they think we will pick them up and say 'there, there'.  At the same time, we represent damage they have to repair. WE are not the damage, but they have caused us harm, and they know that (deep, or not so deep, down). So, it's just too hard for them and I suspect they bury it all in denial and/or blame, and b*gger off to shiny new attentions of an OW.

My H seemed to have a lot of self-reflection -  he even said 'what I did to you was appalling' - and wouldn't you think that the next line that followed would be 'and I am sorry'? But, no. This to me says it all. Sounds like you xH is still in projection blame mode. How nice of him to 'care for you but...' - doesn't he realize he is the one being a jackass man-child at this moment? And not the catch of the day. It should be you saying 'I care for you, but [insert your own description]' For me,  I think if I hear or experience a real apology, that would be a good start. But, same as with your exH, it's still all about him. So it's really great to hear you and your D are thriving. You thrived despite what was thrown at you, which in many ways will make your bond stronger I suspect.

[Dragonfly33]

I cannot agree more that what KD had said. Same thing with my xh even 4 years after BD. Mind you, I got many apologies from my xH back then only to be followed by a whole litany of all about himself. Even this year when he tried to contact me and draw me back into his drama. It’s still all about him. A real apology is backed up with consistent actions.

[MadLuv]

So true. Although I feel when my XH gives the small apologies he thinks he is being sincere. “I’m sorry, I don't know what happened to me” or  “ I think I was just disrespecting myself” just always a me me apology. 

[titleholder]

Great update,TH.  You are learning the lessons and putting your focus and energy where it will be best served:  YOU and your child.  You cannot control what the MLC'ER chooses to do, over and over again, but you can move forward and create a life you will truly love and one of which you can be proud.  That's where the magic happens;  turning ashes to diamonds.

Thank you BB, I always really appreciate your updates and reply's!

I wanted to respond to your message on my thread TH (thank you for your comments - I nodded along), but then I had to start a new thread - so I thought I would respond here. What you describe above, I see many similarities with what happened to me in the summer. It's hard not to get drawn in, because we still hold the image of our former spouse in our hearts  - so when we get glimpses and in this case it seems like a big glimpse with some introspection on his part  - well, it is so bittersweet, and I for one wanted to believe that my H was going to work on himself. And maybe he meant it when he said it, but what I suspect happens in these early days is that, when they are struggling, they are drawn towards us because we know them so well and they may feel safe with us. Perhaps it is initially soothing for them and perhaps they think we will pick them up and say 'there, there'.  At the same time, we represent damage they have to repair. WE are not the damage, but they have caused us harm, and they know that (deep, or not so deep, down). So, it's just too hard for them and I suspect they bury it all in denial and/or blame, and b*gger off to shiny new attentions of an OW.

My H seemed to have a lot of self-reflection -  he even said 'what I did to you was appalling' - and wouldn't you think that the next line that followed would be 'and I am sorry'? But, no. This to me says it all. Sounds like you xH is still in projection blame mode. How nice of him to 'care for you but...' - doesn't he realize he is the one being a jackass man-child at this moment? And not the catch of the day. It should be you saying 'I care for you, but [insert your own description]' For me,  I think if I hear or experience a real apology, that would be a good start. But, same as with your exH, it's still all about him. So it's really great to hear you and your D are thriving. You thrived despite what was thrown at you, which in many ways will make your bond stronger I suspect.

I always see so many similarities in all of our stories and I see a lot in ours too Kaydee! Sometimes there's clarity in the things they say but it never follows through in actions, so those words are as good as meaningless. They really have a lot of $h!te to go through in order to heal from their past and the destruction which accured after BD. It takes a grownup to deal with those things in a meaningfull way and they're not capable and I think that most of them aren't going to evolve into a new and improved version of themself. But maybe I'm too harsh and I'm wrong.. but also on the facebook-group there's almost only stories about all the destruction and only a handfull of stories where the MLC'er comes out of the tunnel a better person.

Thanks for the response Dragonfly and Madluv; it's so relatable.. it's all about them!

[titleholder]

Hello all!

I wanted to wait with an update because april is my 2-year anniversary of BD, but on the other hand I also don’t want to give that horrible date too much attention! So here I am :-)

Let’s start with how I’m doing; honestly I’m doing good! Sure there are still days that I can’t believe what happened to me and how my xH could’ve fall down the rabbit hole this badly, but sadly this is the reality I live in everday. I still mourn this loss, but I’m coming closer and closer to acceptance. My D3 is doing amazingly and I love my little life with her. I’m so, so happy that she’s with me 70% of the time. My life is filled with friends, family and a lot of activities that give me joy!

And also (as faith would have it) I’m in a really stable and loving relationship right now. I met this man last summer, way too quickly after deciding to stop dating the other guy, but I immediatly felt that this was a good one. We took it slow and he was really understanding and mature about this (green flag woohoo!). I think I can finally say what a relieve it is to be in a healthy relationship. After everything that has happened when your life is crumbling down you sometimes forget what ‘normal’ is.

My xH still down in the tunnel; no surprises there. I think I experienced another Touch&Go last week when he came over for coffee (necessary meet-up to talk about D3). He still isn’t happy. He still doesn’t know what the meaning of his life is. Our D3 gives his life meaning, but she’s also the one ‘stopping’ him from living the life he wants (partying, vacations etc.) but he also doesn’t want to do these things because he’s old (mind you he’s 35). So still very much depressed. He took up therapy again because he feels he’s ‘stuck’. I told him that therapy would be very wise indeed :-) I feel that he’s relieved that I’m moving on with my life, but sometimes I also get the idea he’s a bit jealous. While he’s lying in his pit of despair I’m moving on with my life and making the best of it despite everything that has happened. To repeat his own words: ‘so you’re not laying in the bath tub slitting your own wrist?’. Nope xH I’m not and I refuse to let myself sink down that low.

He also told me that he’s realising that he has to open his eyes to what has happened two years ago at BD. I nearly lost it, so after two years he hasn’t done any thinking about what has happened when he got up and destroyed our lifes. They really do run, compartmentalize and repress every emotion or situation that is hard for them..

He’s still with OW but from what I hear they treat eachother like $h!te. OW has so much dept that she’s now in a forced goverment-program to pay that dept back. Can anybody say; winner-winner chicken dinner?! I’m really happy I divorced him so quickly because with the dept OW has we could’ve had a ugly divorce where she smelled money. Luckily  my finances are really stable and me and my D3 can live a good life without financial problems.

Every day I’m trying to make the best out of the life that has been given to me. And I think I’m doing pretty well with that! 

Love, TH.

[KayDee]

You sound great TH! Isn't it funny (peculiar not HA HA), that he cannot distinguish between you and him when he says that thing about being in the bath with slashed wrists. Such a curious thing to say. Are you and he one in his mind? Is this projection and how he feels. Not sure it's worth too much agonizing - it just jumped out at me I suppose.

(ps - LOVE 'winner, winner, chicken dinner' going to borrow that if I may  )

[titleholder]

You sound great TH! Isn't it funny (peculiar not HA HA), that he cannot distinguish between you and him when he says that thing about being in the bath with slashed wrists. Such a curious thing to say. Are you and he one in his mind? Is this projection and how he feels. Not sure it's worth too much agonizing - it just jumped out at me I suppose.

(ps - LOVE 'winner, winner, chicken dinner' going to borrow that if I may  )

YES it's exactly that! He really doesn't know where his own self ends and the self of the other persons begins? I told him we're two different people; you talk yourself down, I talk myself up and that's why we're both living the lifes we have right now.

Haha of course you may!

Thanks KayDee, I always love your reactions! They have so much depth and always cheer me up 

[Treasur]

What a very nice update, great to hear your progress!

[titleholder]

What a very nice update, great to hear your progress!

Thank you Treasur!

[Reinventing]

I’m really happy I divorced him so quickly because with the dept OW has we could’ve had a ugly divorce where she smelled money.

Yes. And since OWs like to compete with the W, they would also try and get resources from you just to do so, even if they weren't in debt. But he sounds like he picked an extra special one.

[Hollie220423]

This is so great for me to read - that there is hope out the other side of this sh*t storm - my husband is 38 and I already felt like I maybe making excuses for him it being a MLC as he’s too young but I knowing that it can happen to younger guys - I also have small children 8,3 and 6 months - I am 10 months post bomb drop I was 6 months pregnant at the time.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Always so good to hear from you. When I read Hollie220423, and her having a baby and all, I immediately thought of you.

He took up therapy again because he feels he’s ‘stuck’.

He is stuck in a world where he wants to live like a teenager with not one ounce of responsibility. Unfortunately, to obtain such a life you have  1, Have really wealthy indulgent parents, 2, Win the lottery, or 3, Be so incredibly hot looking that you can become someone's eye candy. I don't think your ex is going to hit one, two, or three. So he needs to be ready for a really hard life. Just remember, his choices, his consequences.

To repeat his own words: ‘so you’re not laying in the bath tub slitting your own wrist?’.

Unlike your ex, you didn't wallow in misery. Instead, you recovered from the trauma he inflicted on you and moved forward. In one way, you both wanted a great life. The exception was you wanted a real life and he wanted a fantasy life. Who is making positive progress towards their stated goals?

And also (as faith would have it) I’m in a really stable and loving relationship right now. I met this man last summer, way too quickly after deciding to stop dating the other guy, but I immediatly felt that this was a good one. We took it slow and he was really understanding and mature about this (green flag woohoo!). I think I can finally say what a relieve it is to be in a healthy relationship.

So happy for you. It is nice to be in a real relationship with a person that you can deeply love. I am so happy for you. Your ex is not only jealous, but he is also going to have a lot of regret for letting the best thing that ever happened to him go.

Have an amazing day,

(((Ready)))

[beyondblessed]

Nice to hear an update, TH.  You sound strong and moving forward at a great pace.  Keep on keeping on.  And, also, congrats on the new relationship.  Meeting someone stable, loving and whole in all ways is a huge blessing and an eye opener to the stark contrast between was is now as opposed to what once was.

[titleholder]

Yes. And since OWs like to compete with the W, they would also try and get resources from you just to do so, even if they weren't in debt. But he sounds like he picked an extra special one.

Yes, so bizar! Sometimes I find myself in the rabbit-hole again trying to understand why he choose her. But they definitely choose somebody worse then themselves who will tolerate their horrible behaviour..

Secure your finances and your own stability is the best advice on HS they give you! That’s also something I really want to show the newbies. In my case it’s already showing that if I didn’t do that I would be living a total $h!te-show right now.

[titleholder]

This is so great for me to read - that there is hope out the other side of this sh*t storm - my husband is 38 and I already felt like I maybe making excuses for him it being a MLC as he’s too young but I knowing that it can happen to younger guys - I also have small children 8,3 and 6 months - I am 10 months post bomb drop I was 6 months pregnant at the time.

I just read your story, my god what a bizar situation especially being pregnant with his child.. The selfishness just baffles me.

There’s definitely light and the end of this tunnel for us LBS! For the MLC’er in my opinion, not so much? I know it’s really difficult, especially with young kinds. You want to do everything to save the marriage so that your childeren don’t grow up in a broken home. I let myself be abused for 5 months untill I had enough. It was a hard road but I’m really proud of myself that I kicked him to the curb and used his ‘guilt’ and need to leave to give myself and my daughter a stable future (70% of custody and owning our home). Untill this day I never regretted this decision.

If you need somebody to talk with you can always DM. Hang in there! You’re strong and you can do this <3

[titleholder]

Hello,

Always so good to hear from you. When I read Hollie220423, and her having a baby and all, I immediately thought of you

Hi Ready! Always lovely to hear from you. And thank you for sending Hollie to my thread. I hope it helps her and gives her strength!

He is stuck in a world where he wants to live like a teenager with not one ounce of responsibility. Unfortunately, to obtain such a life you have  1, Have really wealthy indulgent parents, 2, Win the lottery, or 3, Be so incredibly hot looking that you can become someone's eye candy. I don't think your ex is going to hit one, two, or three. So he needs to be ready for a really hard life. Just remember, his choices, his consequences.

Hahahaa loves this! Yep and the consequences are going to hit him hard the rest of his life. I don’t think he’ll ever be happy if he keeps up this mindset.

Who is making positive progress towards their stated goals?

I think it’s me haha ;-) 

So happy for you. It is nice to be in a real relationship with a person that you can deeply love. I am so happy for you. Your ex is not only jealous, but he is also going to have a lot of regret for letting the best thing that ever happened to him go.

Thank you Ready! I always appreciate your insight and responses a lot! I wish you all the best!!

[titleholder]

Nice to hear an update, TH.  You sound strong and moving forward at a great pace.  Keep on keeping on.  And, also, congrats on the new relationship.  Meeting someone stable, loving and whole in all ways is a huge blessing and an eye opener to the stark contrast between was is now as opposed to what once was.

Yes! You describe it so good, it’s an eye opener! I will keep going and moving forward. I’ve got this!

Thank you for your responses. You’re such a strong lady and an example for us LBS!