"Compartmentalization is a defense mechanism in which people mentally separate conflicting thoughts, emotions, or experiences to avoid the discomfort of contradiction.
That uncomfortable state is called cognitive dissonance, and it’s one that humans try to avoid, by modifying certain beliefs or behaviors or through strategies like compartmentalization.
Defense mechanisms are unconscious strategies whereby people protect themselves from anxious thoughts or feelings. Other prominent defense mechanisms include denial, repression, and projection, among others."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/compartmentalizationCompartmentalization is often a defense mechanism that is used by people who have experienced trauma as a way to protect themselves from conflicting emotions and thoughts. Trauma, which may have occurred in infancy and childhood, such as sexual abuse, can become compartmentalized, indeed, the victim may not be consciously aware of the trauma that had occurred in their early years.
And so, this defense mechanism is used to prevent the person from feeling pain. Like most defense mechanisms, it works to a degree.
I do believe that MLC occurs due to a multitude of triggers, childhood issues, hormonal changes, physical changes and fear of growing older, stress..things that are affecting our loved spouse ....and eventually comes to a head by them breaking away from us and our lives to find something that will decrease their pain.
Some MLCers have actually told the LBSer "I had to leave or I would die".
We see it in their actions, we see it in their empty eyes and in their destructive behavior. The suddenness of their departure, their total change in their moral values and lifestyle show us clearly that this is not a marriage or relationship problem.
What we had for the many years we were together was real. The examples that we see over and over are of good parents, good spouses and decades of strong and loving marriages.....this was real.
after all these years - still doesn't understand how he cut the ties, and with such aggressiveness and finality. I have learned that not understanding is an actual answer. After 9 years, it is my truth - I will never understand!
My head can understand whereas my heart will never understand. I often have said that if this had not happened in my life, I would find it fascinating to study the psychology of it.
Other who knew my husband well also see the difference in him. They too find it difficult to "understand" as does our daughter...which brings me back to my belief that this crisis is not about them trying to hurt us or purposely causing us harm.....we are the collateral damage in an immense crisis that they face, often one that doesn't end up well for them.
Perhaps because I don't typically use compartmentalization as a defense mechanism, the love I still have for my husband, the memories of who he was will always remain with me. Shining, I am 13 1/2 years post BD and I still think about him every day. Therapy helped me to heal and find myself and there are lots of good things in my life, but there is still sadness for the loss of this love we had, this life we shared,.
In my heart, he is and always will be my husband. Not an "ex husband" as many often refer to him as, but a husband who unfortunately suffered something, some trauma in his past that led to this.
I have often said that I see MLC as a "dis-ease" and that allows me to see him through a different lens. I am not alone in seeing him this way...as I said, others who also loved this man are as confused as I am as to why he has done what he did.
Living with the loss of our marriage, of the love we shared, of our family is huge. It was the life I always wanted and I had it for many years. I don't "understand" why he prefers the life he is living but I do accept this to be our lives....once joined together and taken for granted that we would share our lives together for life, is not my reality anymore.
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9 years later....