Just journaling...
So, the weekend wasn't completely drama free, but I survived. It really is amazing how MLC affects so many people the same way.
I was trying so hard not to get drawn in, but my user name is StormChaser for a reason.
My W, S6 and S9 got back from their trip on Saturday afternoon. I got home from my S11's hockey practice when my W had just finished unpacking her car and bringing in the luggage from their trip. I went in, (it was my weekend with the kids) and she literally completely ignored me - which is fine - it's what I expect since I've gone 180 before Halloween. She did ask me one or two questions, but nothing unreasonable. She left and asked when and where my oldest's hockey game on Sunday was being played. Side note - she has been to exactly 2 out of 14 games for my son this year - yet she insists that she is putting the children first. She left and it was nice to see my younger two again... So she texts me later and asks if I'm ok that she'll stay at the house on Monday night (I'm there and I have a flight super early on Tuesday). I reply "whatever you prefer - please stop worrying about what I'm thinking". "I just didn't want you to be uncomfortable"... she says.
It seems as though she was concerned about how you were feeling and asked if it was ok instead of just assuming it would be ok for her to stay there with you. I would suggest just responding back next time what you want, aka yes, it's fine for you to stay or no it isn't. You have indicated that you have set boundaries with her and it seems as though she is trying to respect your opinion. I would also suggest to not say "Please stop worrying about what I'm thinking." Instead, say "Thank you for asking." This shows that you are recognize that she is respecting your space and needs.
So then she starts outlining a bunch of plans for Christmas, as if we were sitting at the dining room table going over it. So, I start doing what I shouldn't. I don't what what I'm supposed to do or not do, I say. I also ask "what makes you think I'm uncomfortable around you?". "Because you can barely say hello or be in the same room with me."
She's projecting her own feelings at you, based on your description of how she was acting when you walked into the house. Suggestion for next time? When you walk into the house, just give her a breezy, happy hello and move on to what you need to do. My H would do that sometimes, come into the room with an sullen attitude and not say anything. Instead of ignoring him when he ignored me, I would say a quick, light hello and then go about my business. It let me get my stuff done, it showed my H that I wasn't bothered by what he was upset about and that I was going to go about my day.
I point out that it doesn't mean I'm uncomfortable, I'm choosing to to not spend time with you because of the choice you made. Well it got worse from there. She spewed, a lot, and insisted that because I "neglected" her, she was justified in doing what she did and what she's doing... Typical MLC logic. I pointed out that I never intended to hurt her, that I was unaware how unhappy she was (just as her friends, our friends and her family were unaware) and she said that by saying I didn't intend it, I was saying I did no wrong.
When monstering comes up, best thing to do is listen. It's hard to do so, but it's so important. I know she has hurt you... but this is a good time for you to listen because she is bringing up those things that have hurt her in the past. Acknowledge and accept the items that you contributed to and let the others go that aren't you. She is going to say a lot of things because she feels that you are the cause of everything that is causing her to feel the way she is feeling. After all, the LBS is the cause of everything the MLC is going through!
However, she is going to also drop some truth items into this as well... those are the ones that sting. If you want to work on them, then do so... or don't. It's your choice.
I'd say that you already identified one of them when you introduced yourself, which was her saying that you didn't do things around the house for her. This sounds like Acts of Service is her Love Language... May want to check out the book Love Languages (LL) as it may give you some insight into you and herself. While she is in MLC, it doesn't help you as much, but it will help you understand what her LL is and what yours is as well. Why is that important? Because you may be able to understand why when you thought you were showing her how much you love her, why she doesn't feel like you were. Not blaming anyone here... when I read the book though, I really got a LOT of things about my H that I didn't understand about him before and it helped me get him better.
In this scenario I'm supposed to answer "I'm sorry you feel that way..." but I didn't, not even close. Engaged with the spew and got blame and piss and vinegar. The fact I never meant to hurt her is apparently supposed to make it all better. Don't recall saying that, but MLCers manage to twist everything around don't they? She's started to call her "facade" of pretending that everything was fine "complacency". So that her deceiving me by pretending everything was fine and then ultimately betraying our marriage with the affair was just "complacency". Yet she insists that she is acknowledging what she did to me, our kids, her family.
It's hard to do the "I'm sorry you feel that way..." when they are saying things like they do. When my H would spew at me, all I wanted to do was react/fight back. The hardest thing I ever did... and do now... is just sit there and listen. I had to chant in my head "Listen listen listen" every time I wanted to open my mouth. The thing is, once I actually just sat there and listened... the monstering started to get less. H realized that I wasn't going to respond when he monstered at me... that I was going to listen... so H just stopped doing that with me. That was when I started to actually get more information about what was going on in his head.
From me personally... I was complacent in my R. Things were going bad and I didn't do anything about it... I didn't know how to do anything about it. I also was a people pleaser, tried to make everyone happy... and for me, I just buried my feelings inside about everything because I thought that I would make my H happy by not arguing with him, by accepting what he had to say no matter what. I didn't want him to get angry about anything, I just wanted him to be happy and I figured as long as he was happy that was enough for me to be happy.
The thing is, by making that choice, I was complacent. I figured that everything was ok and it appeared to be that way... but I didn't understand the signs showing that things weren't right. I got so buried into my own funk that when I lashed out at my H and SD about 3 years ago, I didn't realize how dead I had gotten inside. I almost lost my marriage at that point, but H and I worked through it and again, I thought everything was ok. I started to change how I was thinking about things and getting help... but it wasn't enough. And my H started to slide down his own journey into MLC and it took BD for me to really make the changes I needed to make. Until recently, I didn't understand just how dead I was and how much of an impact that it has had on him.
I'm not trying to excuse her behavior... just wanted to give you a different perspective on it.
She also insisted that the OM, who is now essentially her best friend, they text all day every day, yet he is "just a friend". I mentioned that as an ex-lover, he could never be just a friend. She didn't respond to that...
Yeah, I'm still dealing with MOW2 as "just a friend" texting relationship. The texting has declined over time... just know that logic right now doesn't work with MLCers and she just sees the OM as an escape. Unfortunately, there isn't really anything you can do about OM, your W has to work this out on her own and make the choice to let him go. Best thing to do is set boundaries that you can enforce about OM, such as no texting him around the children or me, etc. Then leave the room or ask her to leave when she breaks the boundary. If you tell her to have no contact with him, then you will just make her be more secretive about it and it will be more fun for her. Remember that she's trying to feel SOMETHING inside.
Our discussion also moved into expectations. She tried to tell me that she was living up to my expectations. More guilting. Her expectations of herself have always been higher than mine, her parents, her friends... Its probably one of the key drivers in her crisis. I pointed this out, which she claimed was finding fault and laying blame on her... Well if they shoe fits... She has spent so much time comparing herself and our family to others. "most of our friends houses were cleaner". I pointed out that just wasn't true. She was setting her expectations based on comparing to others instead of what made her and her family happy. She changed the subject... Wonder why?
Living up to your expectations... sounds like she may be projecting her feelings about her Dad onto her. I wouldn't be surprised if you look at her parents that they had high expectations for her regarding something, either grades, job, raising her kids... or it may be that everything just had to be perfect around the house.
So near the end of the text messages, she says "I just want us to be able to say hello and be in the same room together".
She's projecting her feelings about herself at you here.
I point out that I can be, but with the choices she made regarding my boundaries, I'm choosing not to do that. She tried to tell me that trying to sort out the planning for Monday night - whether she would stay at the house or the condo we've rented - was blurring the line on my boundaries... Seeing as she can't even see the line of the boundary, I guess she would have trouble understanding how it works.
Sounds like she is at least trying to understand your boundaries and respect them. I would suggest to maybe revisit them and see if you can make them more clear and specific for her?
I pointed out that if she wants to be friends with the OM then she will just have to get used to not being friends with me. "I need to put me first. To find out who I truly am once I get through all the layers. And past all of the expectations. Mine or others..." The words sound right, but who knows...
Just an observation here... I know it's hard, but being their friend in this situation is actually allowing for a soft landing. When my H first started talking to me about MOW2 and the EA, he wanted to know why I was listening to him. My response was that no matter what, I was his friend and that I cared about him. Even though in my head I wanted to tell him that I loved him and he was my H and of course I thought he was freaking idiot for doing what he was doing. Your W is in chaos right now and focusing on being the Lighthouse in her chaos can be very helpful. It isn't easy... but if you do a "it's him or me", right now, she's going to go to him because she thinks that you are the cause of her problems. Unfortunately, that's what is going through her head right now with MLC. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or care about you... it's just that she can't care about anyone right now but herself, she's just so messed up in her head.
Anyway, long post full of play by play... I'm spent and a little disappointed that I couldn't stay away from the R talk. She's so clearly still in the tunnel... I know I need to forget about it and do my work, but I was a moth to a flame on this one.
Time to refocus on the important things. Rant over... Thanks for listening.
We all go through it multiple times... it's hard to NOT respond when they go there. At least she is trying to do something to respect your boundaries that you have set. That's something positive to take out of it. Plus, you realized that you could have handled it differently, that's important too.
It all takes time.
Starting to find solid ground...
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