First of all, I don’t want to downplay how stuck between a rock and a hard place you might feel right now. And how hard it can be wrapping your mind around big life practicalities when a spouse has pulled the rug out from under your feet.
I’m not sure what area you live in or the practical/financial/distance constraints of your family caring obligations, schools etc.
Here is what I have found out in life, and LBS life, though. When we feel stuck, it is often because we are positioning the walls of our mental problem-solving box a bit tightly. Trying to find a solution that essentially keeps life as it is or fits an understandable wish list. When circumstances change, if we can’t make that box fit, it can help (and be a bit scary as well) to shift the walls of our mental box.
First things first....do you have other helpful adults....friends or family....to help you think out loud to yourself about options? All of them....from the awful to the wacky to the interim stepping stones to the maybes. There are imho times in life when being able to use someone else’s creative brain and objective ‘what if’ questions and challenges can be a real gift.
As an example, if I understand you right you have minimal equity in the house you’re living in currently and your h has atm made a semi-legal agreement about a level of financial contribution to your and your kids living costs? Does that have a timescale? And the legal advice you’ve got basically says sit tight and hope he pays what he said he will? What do they suggest you do if he doesn’t?
Fwiw, I would be treating that as a time to plan your option Bs and Cs, assume that you will end up needing to be financially self-supporting and probably divorced to ensure your financial stability (in the spirit of planning for the worst while hoping for the best). I’m going to assume that what you say is accurate....that you are not in a position to get a mortgage right now. So, that means looking at other options that don’t require a mortgage, at least for the next couple of years. It’s another kind of loss, I know, but there are plenty of folks who live quite happily in rented places......when I found myself in this situation (long story why), whilst it wasn’t what I wanted or ever imagined after decades of house ownership, there were some advantages to it too. It allowed me some flexibility tbh when PTSD meant I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag
It allowed me to make shorter-term decisions when I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
So, basics.....do you know what the legal minimum child/spousal support amount would be if you end up as a solo parent? Would you get enough from your share of the equity to pay a rental deposit etc? Can you borrow money from family or move in with them while you find your feet financially? Do you want to stay or need to stay living in the same area, particularly if it is an expensive one? Do you earn enough to pay basic living costs for you and your sons? If not, how big is the gap?
Emotionally, these are hard things to consider, I know....my xh’s departure coincided with losing my father and my mother’s disappearance into dementia, no kids, no siblings....just me and my old cat Louis trying to figure out how to find some safe ground
......it was a truly horrible time tbh. But it did not last forever.....quite a few changes along the way, some good, some not so, some planned and some not....but it does not feel like it did in those darkest days. Still, one can only move forward from where we are at a given time with what we can hold in our own hands......imho feeling reliant on things one can’t control or rely on is a deeply exhausting way to live. Having said that, you sound like a hard working and naturally entrepreneurial soul so I suspect, once you get unstuck from where you are right now, you may find that it opens some doors as well as closing some.
T: 18 M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg