Well, I guess it's a good time for an update.
H tried to come home again a few weeks ago. He came on a Saturday, stuck to me like glue. He was the most "normal" I've seen in a while- of course that's relative... there's still residue of MLC all over him- but he really
wanted & was
happy to be there. All day, following me around like a puppy, engaging in conversation, acting as if he had never left. Went to sleep holding me, very sweet & tender. *Side note: It was the first time H has seen or talked to D18 in a MONTH.
He has withdrawn the most from me & her- but at this point in our journey, he has withdrawn from HER the most.
The next morning- I noticed an immediate shift- I predicted it so I was prepared. He was "half in"... I could see the pressure mounting. I got ready for church, told him he was welcome to join me, knowing he wouldn't, and he declined and thanked me for the offer. He said he "had a few errands to run". I got back from church, and wasn't home 5 minutes and he pulled in. (My H has always had a keen sense of time. It's a naturally built in to him sense of how long it will take for whatever event, and how long it should take to get home, etc... so I KNOW he knew when I would be pulling back in).
I was making dinner for family night, and made sure to busy myself around the house and just let him "be". D18 got home with her boyfriend, and by that time, H had started pacing. He would go back into our room, walk down the hallway, go back to the back door, open it, go back into our room, and then walk back to the living room. No rhyme or reason.
(The house we are living in is a rental & 1/4 the size of our former home, so there isn't really a place for him to go to get away from us)... we sold our home over a year and a half ago, right before I found out about his affair that had been going on for then 9 months... little did I know that selling our home was going to be a
huge blessing because of what was in store for me to endure. We had put it on the market and were going to look for another piece of land to build again, but obviously that is now on hold indefinitely until he is better...
**I did notice a couple days later that our back porch light that had been burned out was now working... I'm thinking he changed the bulb.
Then he abruptly announced he needed to run to the store and asked if I needed anything. It immediately triggered me, but I was shocked at how easily I dismissed the trigger, and didn't allow it any power over me to impose on my good mood. *Last Christmas Eve, he jumped off the couch after being glued to his phone, and announced he needed to "run to the store, and wanted to see S17 at work" 2 minutes after he left, S17 came home from work.. long story short, I caught him in a huge lie, blow up ensued, followed by tears- on HIS end, and a sleepless night on my end. So when he did a similar thing this time, immediately I felt the pang in my heart of the trigger. The difference was, this time, I didn't care. Let him have his space. Let him go. It doesn't really matter what he is doing- I don't control him, and he will do what he wants anyway.
He asked if I needed anything from the store, I said no, that D18 and I were getting ready to decorate cupcakes. He gave me a love smack on the rump, a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said he would only be a few minutes. About 20 mins later, D18 realized she left her (MY
) nail polish remover at the dorm. She asked me to call H and ask him to pick some up. I called him, and he sounded braced to hear me angry with him. I asked him if it wasn't too much trouble, for him to pick up some nail polish remover. He sounded confused- as I"m guessing he wasn't expecting a request, but more of a "where the heck are you?" type of convo. I thanked him, and hung up.
He came home about 30 minutes later, and when he walked in the door, D18 and I were decorating the cupcakes. He was just waiting for us to unleash on him. (That has NEVER happened- so it's bizarre that he was expecting it) he looked like a scared puppy, unsure if he was going to get kicked. When he realized that all he was met with was smiles and thank you's, he instantly relaxed, and started talking about how he didn't know where the nail polish remover was, and he had to have a store clerk help him, and that there were two types, one with aloe, and one without, and another ingredient that he didn't know if we wanted in our nail polish remover...
We looked at it, and told him what he got was perfect for our needs. He smiled big, and then sat with us while we decorated, chatted and joked. After a while, he got up and went to sit on the couch, still paying attention to us and engaging. Telling us how great the cupcakes were looking. He actually looked relaxed (again, it's all relative), and after the cupcakes were decorated, we sat down in the living room. S17 came home, and we had the BEST family night we've had in 3 years. Laughing, joking, talking, playing music games- everything just like it used to be. My heart was full. I enjoyed every moment of normalcy we were having- storing it up in my heart knowing it wouldn't last.
Went to bed that night with him holding me.
The next morning, we woke up, he was back in his fog. Distant, aloof, not present. He still hugged and kissed me goodbye, but it was if he wasn't mentally there. Came home that night, pressure, pressure, pressure, and he wasn't even at home... S17 got a new car, and they had to pick it up and do all of that stuff. He was in a bad mood- not at me or S17, but just in general. Anything could irritate him.
The next morning, I get a phone call from him about an hour after he left. He spewed at me because S17 overslept. *He wasn't even late for school, still had time to make it, and he DID- but instead of getting on to S17 about not waking up to his alarm, he ripped into me. I told him it wasn't okay for him to talk to me like that, and that he was completely out of line reacting like that. He smarted off and got off the phone. He hadn't monstered at me like that in nearly a year.
He didn't touch base with me until that Friday, called me on his way to the hunting lodge. The part of the convo that stands out to me is this: I had accidentally taken out too much money for something out of our account. He asked about it- not mad or upset at all- because it truly wasn't a big deal- but when I realized what I had done, (because it was a stupid mistake on my part- I truly don't know where my mind was), I was like "Oh my gosh, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry!" He replied the softest, kindest, most understanding of voices- and this is where I nearly fell on the floor of the store I was in; "That's okay, it's not a big deal, EVERYONE makes mistakes, it's okay!!!" He just kept repeating that & reassuring me over and over again. lol.
Monday I went down to D18's college to take her out to dinner. S17 didn't want to go. H called him, and as usual, asked where I was, what I was doing. *Every single time- he asks where I am, what I'm doing... H was confused and concerned as to why I would drive down there so early... H takes S17 out to dinner, and afterwards, fills up S17 car with gas. S17 says "Thank you dad" and H replies "Well, it's the only thing I'm good for" (money) S17 replied, "Dad, you know that isn't true." H gave a small smile and told him to be safe driving home, gave him hug and told him he loved him. I got home and settled in to watch the Wicked special on tv (D18 & my favorite Broadway musical) and H texts me "Are you home? You need to turn the channel to ..." He wanted to make sure I saw the tv special. It was the first Broadway musical he and I had ever been to, and it was our most favorite. I could tell by the convo that he was remembering it. Wistful. He asked if D18 was going to be able to see it, I told him she had already made sure she was set up for it. "just like her mom" he teasingly replied. We texted a little bit more. I could tell he was going down dark. Depression. I knew the week would be hard for him. I was right. He fell into a dark pit that week. (a week ago). He withdrew from all of us for 4 days.
This past Monday, he made contact with all of us- including D18's boyfriend- that was a first. Then he asked me where we were supposed to vote. I found that interesting, since while he was in heavy replay he would NEVER ask me anything, he would figure it out on his own- now he asks me simple things like that.
The morning of voting day, I got a text from him- he was completely irritated at how our voting station was being ran, and was letting me know how angry he was about it. Telling me "good luck, that it's a joke because none of the workers know what they're doing and they're sitting around, etc".... the anger is still there- but at least it wasn't directed towards me! haha. Told me I should wait to go because the lines were really long at the moment.
After that, no contact with anyone for the rest of the week until yesterday when he sent S17 and the boyfriend a text of a pic with the buck he tagged. He is staying at our lodge for 6 days (he left Wednesday- should be back Monday or Tuesday). Other than that- nothing. I'm hoping being in a tree stand in the middle of 1000 acres will be good for him. Quiet. Peaceful. No interruptions.
As for me, I'm doing well. Not stellar, but not broken. I've managed this time around to truly detach and see things before they happen. It allows me to prepare myself and act accordingly. I still have moments of course. But all in all, I FEEL good. I'm HAPPY. All on my own. No-one is the source of my joy but God. And for the first time, I can say that with all certainty. I was way too dependent on H for my happiness.
Never again. I walk my own walk. I carry my own backpack. I produce my own joy through my relationship with God. It feels good. Knowing this source of joy comes from within- and no-one can take it from me. The past 3 years have been destructive, exhausting, scary, and downright brutal. BUT. When I look back, the lessons learned, the lessons I'm still learning, and the lessons to come- I'm proud of myself. I'm truly, truly content and HAPPY.
Do I want my H to get better and be back home with his family? YES. And I have faith that it's on the way to that conclusion. But, until then, am I happy with MY life? Am I content with the life I'm creating for myself? YES, YES, YES.
I have amazing kids, who while hurt, love their dad so very much and want to see him get better, I have amazing friends & family who have been there every step of the way for me, for our kids and for my H. They have done nothing but lift him up in prayer, treat him with sincere kindness and love & acceptance. I cannot ask for more.
My point? I am BLESSED. Truly. I'm surrounded by love. My heart is full.
Sorry for the long post. I should really update more often so the posts aren't this long. But I want to make sure I get all the important bits written down.