Half credit is fine. In my mind, the headache was caused by his own stress over the situation. I think he was embarrassed to show his face around Ds friends and their families, but didn't want to miss out altogether or disappoint D completely.
You did well. If paving the way works, you laid down some yellow bricks for him to follow.
I agree Offroad, for sure. And thank you, slowly but surely, I'm getting this whole detachment thing... haha.
Hey SG! Following along!
I am glad to hear he was somewhat there for prom. You did a good job navigating through this! I know how exhausting it is...not quite what you thought you’d be dealing with when you started a family! But two thumbs up 👍🏽 for how you handled it❤️❤️❤️
Thanks, friend. <3
A little recap of the past few days;
Sunday he texted me in the morning- he was on a motorcycle ride with S17 (he turned 17 today!)
Told me that they were having a blast.
I waited a few hours to text back.
He also texted D18 and asked her how prom was, and if he needed to hurt her "date"...
Let me explain- he is SO uncomfortable with D18 now. He knows that she knows about the A, and who it was with.
He didn't act this way with her when he was deep in replay, this has only been in the past 4 months or so. He has distanced from her a LOT/quickly as of the past couple months. I'm assuming its guilt & shame. Three weeks ago he told me that I was already turning her against him. I've done nothing of the sort, but I just replied "I'm sorry you feel that way."
So, back to the comment. He is so awkwardly social with her these days, that he was joking around and trying to act "protective" and say that he would "hurt him" if he touched her. It was the only thing he could think of to talk to her about. He didn't even think to tell her that she looked beautiful. (that's something he always did pre-mlc, he's always complimented her, and they've always had a close relationship). In all of his joking, he sounded like a 17-year old kid.
So the next day, when he texted her asking about prom, he brought up "hurting him" again. D18 just rolled her eyes and didn't engage in the convo, instead shut it down by saying "No dad, I've told you he is a friend, and he isn't like that." He replied, "are you sure?" And she replied "yes." And that was it.
Anyway, his comments about this reflect that of a 17-year old boy. And that brings me to my next observations by my S17;
- S17 said that H told him that his new flat billed Harley Davidson hat (H used to make fun of those hats and say that "wanna be punks" wore them- he bought this about a month ago, and now he wears that silly hat with everything and it doesn't match anything he has) anyway, he told S17 that his gray hair didn't go well with the hat.
- S17 said that while they were playing golf, they were partnered up with another father/son duo, and H told S17 that he didn't think they liked him, that he thought they liked S17, but not him.
-S17 said that H told the duo they were partnered with that getting into the factory business was the biggest mistake he ever made. (to me this is HUGE- for him to admit that to strangers)
- S17 said that H listed to Shawn Mendes on repeat all day while they were riding. This is a 20-something singer that all the teens know. H used to tease our kids about listening to him. *side note, I'll take Shawn Mendes over the dark music he got into while in active replay, any day.*
-S17 said that H was trying to make friends with this one guy on their ride, someone S17 said that he wouldn't have befriended before mlc. And even asked for his number.
S17 was not amused by any of these things. I have noticed that they are becoming increasingly annoyed by some of his antics. I have been having more concentrated heart to hearts with them about grace, compassion, walking ahead in order to be a light. They aren't rude or anything towards him, I would never tolerate that, and they don't want to be. They love him. It's so hard to watch them go through this knowing that they fully realize what is going on.
So, the biggest thing Sunday is that H allowed S17 to ride home on his motorcycle (40-minute drive) with his cell phone dead. Didn't think to have him stay at the factory and charge it a bit. Well, as it so happens, S17 motorcycle breaks down on the side of the highway, and he has no way to contact us. A stranger let him use his phone, he called H, H didn't answer (says he didn't even see that he had a missed call till 1 1/2 hours later), and so the stranger went back to his house, grabbed a trailer, drove back to S17, S17 loaded up his bike on the trailer, and the stranger took him home. Meanwhile, me & D18 were out looking for him (he was well over 30 mins late from when he should've been home- H had texted asking if he made it home earlier- then after 15 mins from when he for sure should've been home, I told H I was going looking for him. H then about 10 mins later, followed suit and started looking from his direction).
When H saw the number, he called and the stranger explained everything. H was mad that S17 didn't leave a v/m or text, and frankly, I was mad at the both of them. S17 for not leaving a v/m or text, AND not calling me, or texting me, but I was mad at H for not having him stay at the factory for 15 mins and charge his phone! What parent sends their kids out on a motorcycle without a charged cell phone? An MLC one. haha.
I didn't say anything to H. He said at the end of it that she should've had him stay there and charge his phone, and that he knew better and would do that next time.
He has texted me every day, most of it is just excuses to text. He texted me last night asking what I wanted to do for S17 birthday. I didn't respond until this morning. He seemed a little disappointed that we weren't celebrating tonight. I told him that the kids and I discussed it and we decided that Sunday was the best for us and asked if that worked for him. He said that would be fine, and asked what he wanted to do.
Last night S17 said that he wanted to go mini-golfing. At first I wasn't so sure about that, as H hasn't wanted to do anything family related (like going and doing anything fun) in a very LONG time, so I didn't want to do that in case it would make him uncomfortable and want away from us even more.
And then I saw that way of thinking for what it truly was. I have been catering to him. Putting him before any of us. If I didn't think he could handle it, or would like it, we didn't do it. I believe that I have done this *somewhat slightly* in our normal life, but NOT anywhere close to the extent that I have done it in MLC.
I have been trying to not make waves, to make everything easy, light, and the way HE would want it. I took my role as "wife" and making our home relaxing, pleasing, and a source of comfort to the extreme. I wanted our home to be a refuge, a safe place for him to unwind and relax, have no pressure, and pleasing to H.
I made the decision that was stopping now. H asked this morning what S17 wanted to do. I told him. He replied "Oh, ok"
So now, I'm prepared to go mini-golfing with my family, with or without H. If he wants to be a part of our family and come, great, if not, great. But I'm not going to allow his crisis to dictate what we can and cannot do when it comes to these sorts of things. Life goes on, with or without him. But I don't want to look back in 20 years with regrets that I didn't go out and have fun with my kids more because H might think it uncomfortable.
It's his choice of whether or not he wants to come, and if he doesn't, that's HIS loss. I'm no longer going to try to control the environment so that it doesn't make H uncomfortable. I catered to him during this out of fear that he would leave us. Guess what? He is choosing to stay at his factory. He is choosing not to see or talk with his kids everyday. A lot of good that did me. So, huge lightbulb moment first thing this morning. No more. Me and the kids come first, he is welcome to tag along if he desires.
*Side note- and this is just funny, H called S17 last night around 8:45 and asked where I was. S17 said I just got home. Then he asked where D18 was, and S17 told him she was at work. In less than 30 seconds, H texted me wanting to talk about S17 birthday... while he is on the phone with S17. I know my H well enough to know that he was concerned as to where I had been ALONE until 8:45... haha. Silly MLC'er.
I have definitely grown by leaps and bounds independently over these past 3 weeks. I feel as if I have successfully detached and have a grasp on how to lead him by walking and moving forward and showing him my back. I don't know it all, not even close, and have a lot to learn as I go, but my steps are sure footed. I feel better than I have in a year.