[in it]

You are welcome bvFTD

IMHO I could care less if they were violent before in the relationship or "changed" during MLC into violent abusive people. MLC is NOT an excuse to treat other people badly.
 
Abuse is abuse plain and simple. They should  NOT get a pass because "Oh poooooor him he was having an MLC." Boo effing Who.

 It should NOT be dismissed or downplayed due to an MLC.

Drunk, sober, whatever..not one damn excuse good enough for it in my book.

[Passiflora]

Hear Hear, Init!

Hugs

[iwantoffthisrids]

I think Passiflora makes a really good point about the shame a victim can experience in the wake of a trauma, and how this can make recovery more complex.

Like Passiflora, I completely froze. I couldn’t see that I was being emotionally abused because I was shocked into a very susceptible state where I could not reconcile my FH behavior with what I had believed to be true about who he was. On some level I also saw he wasn’t well and was there left with the complex task of trying to understand and help a person who wanted to hurt me, along with another abusive person, the OW, who I believe also contributed to the emotional abuse, all while still believing I was in part responsible for his behavior. (Something I can see is ridiculous now and also something I think HS should not imply or encourage. Traumatized  victim should not be encouraged to focus on self improvement or validate abuse, even if our spouses are unwell. Focus should be on total safety of the LBS.)

I have to credit Passiflora who was a person who wrote directly, “You are being abused.” I could not even see this clearly because I was still beleiving my FH accusations to me. I truly believed he was reacting to my own failings, that is how overwhelmed and confused I was.

I agree many LBS have been gaslit for some time. However I also think that there is some type of tipping point for some that turns whatever this is into an acute condition.

Passiflora- I think H has been gaslighting me. And I have believed exactly what you said that he was reaching to my own failings. Every time.he blamed me I would.believe it then someone in my support system would have to bring me back to reality. I *think* this is MLC with a very high shame level  esp fear of others knowing what he has done. It just compounds and spirals down.

[Passiflora]

Oh I'm so sorry, Iwant, that you was/is on the receiving end for gas lighting. This erode your sanity and "makes you" crazy even if you are not crazy. Don't laugh but I was convinced at the time when I kicked out my xh that I was the crazy one. When I got back to work my boss sent me to a psychiatrist who explained to me that I was sane. I was having a normal respond to an abnormal situation. The first thing I did after that first meeting was to call my oldest son. His response; But Mum did you really think you are the crazy one! I can laugh about it now, 3,5 years after but in that moment I wanted that psychiatrist to put it on paper so that I could put it on my fridge to look at. I'm not crazy I'm not crazy! 

The gas lighting is severe since the victim is often isolated from outside input (aka reality or normal) so the victim is starting to believe the abusers reality, or the abuser wants the victim to only have the abusers reality. It is crucial to not isolate yourself, have someone who can be your "normal or reality". Heck I didn't know if up was down or the shy was pink but even if I was made totally crazy there was some grain of sanity in my head. Things he said didn't happen (that I know happened). I went to the place in our house where it did happen and I could feel it happened I know it happened right there. (like you do when you forgot what you was suppose to get or do but forgot what it was, you go back to where you thought about it in the first place 

Without knowing it then, but I know now, in hindsight, I did "use" a lot of people in the beginning to kind of validate what is normal and what is not normal behavior. Best thing for me and my recovery. I think for me it's very important for you to look inside yourself, what are your core values, morals, ethics etc. the faster you can ground yourself the better. I hope you understand what I mean. 

Hugs

[in it]

I'll tell you what the woman at the Domestic Violence office said to me when I documented the incident with her.

When I was done I told her "He said I was crazy".
With a wave of her hand she said "They ALL say that"

Nothing crazy about us we were being ABUSED there is a difference..We may appear crazy but it is normal when and after being abused to feel all kinds of things. Act in ways that would be out of character.

Yes they believe their own lies, all they do is lie. And YES it's ALL control whether based in fear or manipulation.

[bvFTD]

I understand, In It, but sudden violence in midlife is actually a symptom of a terminal brain disease called FTD which my husband has. A neurologist will rule out tumor and small strokes which can also cause behavioral change. My husband's neurologist knew right away what my husband had but performed all the tests. He was so compassionate and gentle when he told us there was no cure. My husband did not get it at all.

If he forgot how to find his way home or didn't remember our children's names, everyone would quickly deduce that he has young-onset Alzheimers, but because my soulmate, best friend and husband exhibited a distressing and shocking personality change, he is just an @$$hole or has always been like this, but in 30 years I was too dense to know?

What I want to convey to you is to step back. Stop mulling over your relationship and get him to a doctor. Your reports of his new and upsetting behaviors will greatly help. Do not take what he has done personally. If he had a heart attack would we hesitate to seek help?

If he is not terminally ill then he may have a psychiatric disorder and he unraveled in midlife, or he or she were never nice people to begin with. Don't you want to know?

[in it]

Are you asking if if I want to know?
In a few words hell no!
He and I are divorced.
Hes not my problem anymore.. my compassion ran out.

[bvFTD]

We must protect ourselves. Love and Strength to all of us.

[bvFTD]

Dear I Want Off:

I am so very deeply sorry and sickened to hear what you endured, but it is so very fortunate, as you said, your assault was witnessed. Yes, you may be called on to testify, which will undoubtedly be extremely difficult, but then you will finally get your husband the help he needs.

[Passiflora]

Hi all,
It would be informative, I think, if some who have reconnect with their MLC spouse, if they have brought up this topic. Are they capable to take responsible for their abusive behavior (monster, lying, deceit, the trauma their behavior created). Has anyone been 100% remorseful about this?

Hugs