Hi all from the Big Apple! My sister's biopsy came back benign. We found out today. Much rejoicing here!!
H is with kids and spends most of the day (while they're at school) on sofa watching tv. I am working from my sister's apt and going out every night. He called last night with D bc he was out buying her a new bike (she needs one) and they wanted my opinion. I was in the apt but went out esp to a bar to call them back - no way was I calling him back from inside the house. He immediately said to my D (who was on camera) under his breath "ask her where she is?!" was nice to see the slight panic cross his face. Have been doing a lot of walking around Central Park and this city has the best energy. I lived here for a long time and it is nice to feel back at home in many ways. I feel a connection with myself.
The latest from camp crazy is that H is trying now to make a heroic decision whether to give up his mistress or stay to fight for his family. At the moment he is undecided. I also found out he's lost 3 clients - he now has only 10 hours of work a week - and this other woman is very, very rich. She is also a grandmother and 61 - my H is 44 and tall and handsome - so if he goes to her he does not have to get a job or rebuild his career likely. If he stays with me, he most certainly does. I cannot think of a man less suited to be a toyboy than my husband, who is insanely proud - but this lady obvs has figured out a way to make him feel in charge and powerful. I can't help but think tho, that once he blows up his life, gets divorced and goes to her and that balance of power shifts (he has no way back or other options) that their dynamic will shirt entirely. I would enjoy watching that play out actually.
My kids are still really happy he's here. He's been playing with them and handling pick ups/drop offs, took my son for haircut etc. Basic stuff. I am therefore not going to push him out the door when I get back on Sunday. However, he seems itching to go, I imagine he's talking to her and she's def nudging him out the door (come back to me! I'll take care of you! you are a good person!) feels guilty and hates seeing himself through my now (entirely opened to all of his s***) eyes.
From my side, I'm not sure what to do, and what I even want at this point. I do not feel much love for him. He does not appreciate all that I've done and the inner work I've had to do to even talk to him and be in the same house as him right now. He does not understand what an amazing wife I have been and continue to be. He is still hugely resentful that he 'gave up' his big opportunity at his London studio 2 years ago to follow me to the US. He still believes I was too controlling and I fear that if I act as a 'normal' wife (ie when are you getting a real job? or 'when are you going back to Turkey and how long are you staying'?) he will immediately react and be horrible to me.
Based on some texts he sent me, I got the idea he is planning to go back next week. I told him to not book any return tickets until he talks to me when I'm back Sunday and he accused me of trying "to manage him". I reminded him that we have tickets to go to Universal Studios next Thursday and kids are off Fri/Mon next week. I said the kids will be upset and damaged if you only stay 2 weeks. He accused me of using the kids to manipulate him. Are you kidding me?? Does he think I WANT him here right now in my house? Someone else is telling him this. someone else is impinging all my motives. I can guess who. How can I express to him real needs on the part of our kids without being accused of weaponizing them to manipulate him? I am going figure out how to address this asap. I will never stop advocating for them.
Basically he is still a horrible person that is unlike any version of him I've known before, and I do not actually want to live with or be connected to him. He is a selfish, depressed zombie and hard to be around. I constantly feel like I need to cheer him up. He has no job here in the USA and no purpose and seems unmotivated to find it. He refuses to see a doctor and get meds or therapy. I think that the fact that he is not sure he even wants me and has not promised to cut things off with his predator-granny makes me think there is nothing to fight for here, apart from a really lovely history. I can tell you this, despite his becoming increasingly horrible in the past 1-2 years, we had 10 wonderful, amazing years of marriage and he was a kind, faithful and very good husband and father for all that time. And while he shows reluctance to return to who he was, he also says things like 'I f'ed up and I want to save this family etc' so I know he's somewhat torn.
If I didn't have kids this would not be a question for me. If my kids were in college and not 7 and 10 this would not be a question for me. I would definitely walk away from him. I would actually run. But in these circumstances, I'm not sure what to do. I won't settle for a terrible husband just for them, but I also want to give him every chance to pull out of this and he is clearly not well.
"No sudden movements", "Take your time," 'Trust your Instincts" "set some boundaries", 'ultimatum/force him to get help'
I THINK you wise folk will tell me?
thank you in advance, with love.