Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: A Life Unimagined on March 19, 2024, 11:37:28 AM
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Hello everyone. My MLC husband moved out October 2023 and I found out about his 23-year old alienator just before Christmas. I went dark with him immediately after that and told him I could no longer join him for Christmas dinner with his parents (he invited me to join). Going dark has really helped me to heal and it enabled me to emotionally detach. It seems he got the "hint" because he no longer contacts me as much as he did after he moved out. Now 5 months after bomb drop, I am moving forward, sought legal council, and making plans to build a new chapter with my children.
However, in the last couple of months he has reached out a few times to my mom and he has been extra nice, checking to see if she needs anything. He even went so far as asking her if she would like him to pick up anything at Target or Walmart while he's on a business trip to California. My mom is extremely uncomfortable with the interaction but doesn't want to be rude, so she politely replies. He barely reaches out to our 16-year old son and has absolutely no contact with our two adult daughters (the girls were from my first marriage but he has raised and loved them as his own since they were toddlers).
Does anyone have any insight on why he's reaching out to my mom? Any advice on how my mom should handle it? She feels insulted that he would reach out to her because as she said, "why would he think I would want anything to do with him after the pain he's inflicted on my daughter and my grandchildren?" >:(
Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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Bc he can.
Bc it’s easier than trying to reach past your wise boundaries.
Bc he is trying to use her to keep a toe in your world.
Bc cake is nicer than grown up consequences or feeling like the ‘bad’ person.
Bc she is ‘polite’
All you can do imho is encourage her to choose her own boundary, whatever that is, and maintain your own in whatever form seems best for you and your kids.
I am very sorry that all of you find yourself in this situation.
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What Treasur said - but I'm going to add that you seem to be doing remarkably well seeing as this is all pretty fresh and that is really positive IMO.
You'll get some very good advice on here so keep posting when you need some help - or just to journal what you're going through (I have found this a really good tool a couple of years down the line from BD - to look back now and then on my story and realise how far I've come).
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I wonder if you might want to start your own thread, because (sorry to sound cynical) you will collect quite a lot of 'whys'. And often the only answer is Crisis. My H did something very similar, in a similar time frame. After 6 months of silence, he popped up and seemed to think my brother would want to hang out with him, spend some time doing a shared hobby. When my brother had spent the last six months as part of Team KD, picking up the pieces. My H didn't even acknowledge what he had done. It seemed so odd and crazy at the time, but then, he keeps on adding to the pile of 'wait! what!?'. Treasur summarizes possible 'reasons' well. I would also add, it may be that he is so much in his weird hinterland bubble - the place where he is the good guy, doing good things, and you and the kids, you are resilient and doing just fine without him - why not have a friendly, helpful relationship with his MiL. Something like that aka a delusion. And if I was kinder, he may miss her and is unable to think beyond his own needs in this regard. I suspect, many of our spouses cannot bear what they have done, so they bury it, and try to present a nice, calm face of business as usual. But who really knows? I actually don't think they do.
You do sound like you are doing really well, but I expect you have your meltdown days like we all did/do. If you can try not to overthink his actions at this early stage, and have no expectations of him, you will protect you heart a bit more. Because, well, they are kind of predictable in their unpredictability at this point, and, I for one got dashed on the rocks a few times too many times.
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I’ve learned that one cannot make sense of their behavior. But if we were to try. The first step is to think how they think. And realize that 100% of their actions are all about them and their needs. It had nothing to do with you.
So in thinking like this. I think he’s doing it for two reasons. 1) To support his self esteem by convincing himself he is not the bad guy. It’s not guilt that drives this. But the need for him to feel worthy.
And 2), he’s anchor checking, to keep an eye on you. Why they do this I don’t quite understand. Because remember, it has NOTHING to do with you. So knowing this, one idea is maybe he wants to keep an eye on you so he feels good about himself knowing you’ll be there if he needs you (remember it’s ALL about his needs).
Problem with anchor checking is that LBS immediately tries to see it as a sign and jumps to expectations of possible reconnection. Especially in the early years. This is a big mistake.
Because remember. It has nothing to do with you.
Im really sorry you’re going through this but you sound like you’ve got a good foundation to get through this thing. Keep it up. Day by day.
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This is really difficult and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. But does it matter why? Having some extra miles under my belt, I have found you can't know why because the only person who knows why is your ex, and he's as likely to lie to you as not.
What is important is how everyone deals with it. Your mom chooses to be "polite". How does that make you feel? How does that make your kids feel? Does she realize how what she does affects others, assuming it does? In my experience, I have learned to tell people once how their behavior makes me feel. If it is hurtful and they continue. I remove myself from the situation. If it isn't a big deal I deal with it on a case by case basis.
Why wouldn't your ex be "nice" to your mother if she doesn't tell him he's a jerk? See, he's OK, mom talks to him. It's not him that's the problem at all.
My point being, "why" doesn't really matter. Its what you do with your situation that does matter.
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If I can come at this from just a different angle, and please know that my intent is to try to just help: you already have experienced a devastating blow to your life from your husband. Your mom, and this is not criticism, is now making her problem your problem because of her inability to lay down her own boundary. He’s contacting her so it’s between him and her, but instead of being direct with him, she’s communicating her frustration with him to you, which in a sense is laying yet another thing on your plate that is already pretty heaping full. “I don’t want to be rude” to the person who cheated on and left you is kind of puzzling because at this point, how much politeness is he owed, especially when being polite to him results in you continuing to have to be involved in something that involves him? Again, I’m not criticizing your mom, I just want to present the situation from that lens so you can see it from every angle. it may not feel right now like it is compounding your stress to have her talk to you about him talking to her, but it is. We LBS usually find we have to protect our own peace in a lot stronger ways than we have ever had to before, and sometimes that involves tweaks to the relationship dynamics with other people in our lives as well.
ETA: there is also a polite way for her to tell him that she doesn’t wish to communicate with him. So if politeness is her concern, it’s pretty easily remedied.
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This is really difficult and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. But does it matter why? Having some extra miles under my belt, I have found you can't know why because the only person who knows why is your ex, and he's as likely to lie to you as not.
Or, to use a now-famous UM'ism, you are about as likely to understand WHY he is doing what he does as you are to taste green... with your elbow...
I do agree with Nas and OR though, him being "nice" to your mom is NOT your circus, NOT your monkeys. If she feels uncomfortable about it, then she needs to do something about it. Not your job....
ETA: there is also a polite way for her to tell him that she doesn’t wish to communicate with him. So if politeness is her concern, it’s pretty easily remedied.
True... Like "why don't you go take a walk on the double yellow line" (for those in the US) or
(https://media.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExNGgzdHhzOWFwajJveTMyd2oxZXZpcW10cWtpMXl1YXozcHZiNzBpeiZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/hQQViLiksXvjkAsEu2/giphy.gif)