[Sam I Am]

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11359.0

I hope I am doing this right.  Been a long time since I had a new thread!

[Sam I Am]

My new subject is chosen because this is two sayings I have been using a lot.  Me....I am onward and upward.  Living life and always working to get better and better.  H....is rinse and repeat.  I started using this when an LBS friend said it regarding her H.  It was applicable so H is still more rinse and repeat.  Not really doing much that I can see.  No significant changes.

Still gonna continue with comparisons....over the years...there is change....but it is slow and hard to recognize if you are looking at it daily.  These comparisons help me.  Mostly seeing where I am going and H is not.

H Comparisons:

2017 - H was continuing to get grumpier and more distant.  More times of disappearing.  I was blind.

2018 - H was home for a little over a month.  He showed up a few times to help at the house but with long silences inbetween.  Little did I know that he was preparing to move in with OW1 when she moved back at the end of the month.  He was great at his secrets.

2019 - H was showing up more often.  More visits.  More talk time.  Shorter times of shut down. 

2020 - A lot of visits this month.  Mostly due to PB.  We would travel together and arrange to go to play together often.  Things were the best they had been since BD as far as our comfort level with each other.  We even went out for dinner together one night.  It was nice.  We had fun together.

2021 - H has jumped off into a deep end again.  Last year we communicated nearly everyday.  This year...we had 7 days with communicate in the last month.  Total reversal from last year.  In fact, he went 15 days with no communication.  Last month it was 9 days.  Fifteen days was the most days in a row we didn't communicate since August of 2018. 

H was was gone.  Went 16 days without visiting or seeing the grandkids.  Just POOF....then POOF, he shows up unannounced to see grandkids and calls out of the blue.

Now he is back to playing hero for a short period of time.  He is working hard to help get my shower completed before my surgery next month.  I really appreciate this, but it means nothing yet.  I see it as his guilt taking over.  Hard to believe that just a few months ago things were decent and now he is Hoodini!  LOL  Oh well.  It is what it is!  I leave him alone and don't bother him!

[Sam I Am]

For me....I feel like I am moving onward and upward.

I have taken H's silence in stride.  I don't like it.  I wish we could communicate more.  However, when we do, there is no substance.  It is mostly him rambling on about this that or the other thing.  Doesn't ask about me or want my opinion....he just wants to talk.  I am assuming to avoid the silence that may bring on thinking.  Who knows....just a possibility.

I still do me.  Still trying to be active despite physical limitations. 

Emotionally, I feel good.  I have not had triggers in several months now.  I can't explain where I am or how I feel just that I am good.  I feel in control of me.  I feel like I can overcome most anything.  Not always easy but I feel up for the challenge.

As for H....I love him but yet I feel different when I think about him.  I see that I no longer know him.  I see his physical appearances growing very old very fast.  There is a hollowness to him....both in his looks and his personality right now.  It is getting worse.  I feel empathy for him but I don't want to do anything to try to help him.   I just look and see and move forward.  Nothing I can do.  I don't even have the urge to give him advice.

I have surgery for next month, H has not asked about it or volunteered to go with me.  My first surgery, he was quick to volunteer his support.  Not this time and I am not asking for it either.   I have no ill will about his actions but in return, I won't volunteer info.  He can ask me for updates if he wants to.

I just found out that in the PB world, everyone still thinks we are married and living together.  He is not telling anyone anything different.  LOL.  Silly MLCer.

I don't know what more to say other than I am good and nothing is taking me from this place.  I can only move onward and upward...nothing backwards for me!

[FaithWalker]

Attaching.  Definitely like your catch phrase much better than your H's.   

[MadLuv]

I see his physical appearances growing very old very fast.  There is a hollowness to him....both in his looks and his personality right now.  It is getting worse.  I feel empathy for him but I don't want to do anything to try to help him.   I just look and see and move forward.  Nothing I can do.  I don't even have the urge to give him advice

Isn’t it so strange to see this? As time goes on it seems to be more prevalent. Just where are they? I think the way they feel really starts to show externally and it is a bit scary. My XH says he doesn’t feel he belongs anywhere anymore and he looks like the way he feels. It gives some more validity to this is a real crisis that no one wants to be in. 

[rosetintedglasses]

Welcome to your new thread Sam.

Great title and comparisons.

Hope all surgery goes ok, sending love
Rose 🌹

[Sam I Am]

This was carried over from my previous thread:  I meant to post it last week and I didn't....oopsie!

sam- so many similarities on behavior. Moments of clarity and then further into darkness. Opens up and then closes down worse. I like you am now just letting him walk his journey. He had to spend the weekend with family after 10 months of hardly seeing or communicating with any. I think that is overwhelming. OW is starting to show her classless true self. Will be interesting to see if he still can’t see it clearly or since it is affecting his job and our S28 job if that will be some wake up call.

They sure all follow the same script. I like you am
No longer in savior mode and am not easily triggered. I feel real detachment starting. How has that made you feel? It has made me a little emotional this week. I have been holding, standing and fighting so long that the feeling of true detachment is a bit scarey. It is much less stressful, but I am worried I will lose feelings and if he comes back I will not be available.

Such a mixed bag of emotions. Thank you for journalling. Our time lines are similar and also the touch and go, on and off behavior of our MLC’rs seem to also be earily similar. Yet, that is why it is MLC

Torn up:  You asked about detachment and how I feel.   The best way I can describe it is neutral.  I care but yet I am not moved by the mlc shennanigans.  I am not numb to what is going on but more Meh...it is what it is type of attitude.  I can't control his decisions in any way.  I have no need to even really think about them.  I observe but I observe a lot.  I observe what is happening with my kids.  I observe the clients in my office.  I observe what is going on around me.  I don't seek it out....just observe what is in front of me.   This is how I feel with H.  When we have interactions....I observe.  I hear the tone of his voice.  I see how he looks.  I watch his responses.  I listen to what he is saying....many times even what he is non saying as he tends to like to bait me by starting to say something and changing direction or by dropping hints....which I have learned not to bite on.  I am very careful to just see what is factual and not read into anything.

Btw....the baiting is easy to pick up on.  He tends to repeat it several times.  Keeps trying to get my attention.

Example:

H:  when are you closing the pool?
Me:  Probably not this weekend...maybe next Sat or Sun
H:  I can help on Sat this week
Me:  Ok  Probably won't be this week.

Later on a different subject....H:  I'll be around Saturday this week.

Me:  In my head - Ok H.  You have plans for Sunday.  I get it! 

A week later:  Me and sis went to visit S last Sunday.   Grrr....so why not just say your going to visit vs dropping hints.  Not biting silly MLCer. 

I had concerns also that I would loose feelings.  Being neutral is a lot less painful.  Less feeling....yes.  I often wonder if this is what they mean by I love you but I am not in love with you.  I love him.  I have hope he will come through this someday and we can work towards a loving relationship again.  If not, I can move forward with no regrets.  I just know at this time, I am not ready for a new relationship with anyone.  Not even with H.  I know that for us to be together again, we would have to go slow.  Get to know each other again.  We have been apart for so long, I really don't know him.  At least i don't know the man he is now.  I know who he used to be and I know that man may be gone in whole or in part.  I wouldn't jump into anything with anybody right now.  Just slow and steady and get to know that person.

I see so many people who just don't want to be alone jump both feet into a relationship and then they wonder why it didn't work out.  I am content with my life right now.  I am happy with her I am at this point.  Who knows what the future holds!

Ultimately, no matter what happens with us.....I don't want to see him suffer the rest of his life.  I want to see him heal because healing feels good.  I know this from personal experience!  Healing is good and makes us better!  I want this for him too!  I think this is true love.  Wanting the best for them.....no matter what!

[Sam I Am]

Faith:  I agree.....I like mine better too.  Hehe!

How are you doing?  Well I hope!

[Sam I Am]

Tornup:

It is hard to watch them deteriorate.  Especially when they think they are still "hot".  Pictures are sent and they are not good.  He doesn't see it and OWs must not see it either. 

I agree that their inside issues are coming through. 
My mom is bi-polar and I always could tell when she was in a funk.  I could see this "look" as she was approaching from a distance.   She would age like by 20 years.  Wrinkles and haggard looking.  Stressed.  When she was taking her meds right...she looks younger than her actual years.   The depression can do a number on them physically. 

I am not sure how H is feeling.  He shares none of this with me.  Sometimes his voice is happy and chipper and other times he sounds beat down and just going through the emotions.  This could be a reflection of how he is feeling at the time.  Or he could just be tired.  Who knows!  Not me!  Sometimes I wish I did....others times.....I am good!  I have me to worry about and that is enough!

[Sam I Am]

Rose:   Hugs back at ya!  Hope you are well!

Thanks for the well wishes.  I want my knew knee so I can return to an active life style again.  Tired of pain!  Tired of limitations.  I want to move!

Take care of you and your wonderful kiddos!   

Sam

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching

[Dragonfly33]

Thanks for -sharing Sam. I'm following along.

[Sam I Am]

Welcome UM and DF!  Hope you are both well!

So....tomorrow is Bombaversary #4.  Wow!  So hard to believe.  Never thought I would still be here....yet 4 years ago I was so broken that I couldn't imagine a life without my H for 4 years.  I dun did it and I am living life to the best of my ability.  I have found me.  I love me!  I want to keep building a better and better me!

In the past years, I would take the the BD off.  Initially it was so I could be me as far as dealing with my emotions.  I made sure I did something special every year.

This year.....well, I put on calendar last year to take off 10.29.  Today my associate says....your off tomorrow?   Me....no...no reason I am off.  Then I realized what date it was. 

Still not taking off.  No need to take off.   Tomorrow is now no different to me than yesterday was.  It is just another day to do what I want to do.  Tomorrow...I choose to work and save that day for another time!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So for awhile I have been looking back historically at things.  This time, I am going to look back just a few months.  Things are changing.  I don't know why....I don't understand why but I see they are changing and want to make note of it.  I have already notes some of it....

Since 2019, H has S-L-O-W-L-Y been drawing nearer.  Reconnecting....No  Def NOT.  But visiting more.  Calling more.  Staying in touch more but still all superficial.

It hit a height in early Spring of 2021.  H spent a lot of time with me.  He was working on a bunch of things at the house.  We were doing things together and also with the family on a regular basis. 

I came home from work one day and H was sitting on a lawn chair just staring at the yard.  I told him I was surprised to see him there.  All the projects were done and he was going away to visit ow2 the next day.   Never expected to see him.   He looked at me a bit confused.  He then stared at the floor for a bit.  Made some small talk.  He seemed like there was something he wanted to say but he didn't.  He was a clam shut off tight but just  looking into space at nothing.  Eventually he just got up and left.

After this, he started pulling away.  Growing more distant.  A bit snarky at times but never a true monster.  Testy in a way.  A bit annoyed.

He started to do less and less as a family.  He was coming around less and less.  He he was doing on a regular basis at the house....like mowing....was getting sporadic.  He quit doing my yard at the office.  He communicated less and less in all ways.  Started to not be around on holidays.  Would come to swim when the GKS were visiting but would leave before we all got out of the pool.  Like he couldn't get away fast enough at times.

For the last year, there was may 5 to 10 days a month with no communication between us.  This was initiated by him.  Starting in May, communication gaps not only got longer but they were also more frequent. 

Now the norm is that we communicate maybe 5 days a month and the rest is no communication.  The longest he has gone so far is 15 days in a row.  It is nothing for him to go 5 to 10 in a row with no communication.  They he pops up as if he talked to me the day before and jumps into convos for 1 to 2 days and then goes quiet again.   Hence, the Rinse and Repeat Cycle he is in.   

What do I do.....i let him go.   I see he is pulling away and he is choosing not to communicate.  I won't force myself on him.  I don't call or text or reach out in anyway shape or form. I just go about my life doing as I please. 

I am getting to the point where I wonder if I could ever love him again as much as I used to love him.  There are times when I wonder if we could ever make a go of it.  Right now, the man I see, I don't know and I wouldn't want him around.  The man that pops up occassionally....I still adore but I tire of the vanishing.  Mind you....I am not moving on as i am not ready for any relationship.   I just have doubts that creep in at times.

[Sam I Am]

There is some movement with H.  Can't say it is all good.  Since August, H has had a major pullback.  Very distant.  Hardly seeing or talking to him.  Compared to the previous 6 mos where there was movement closer until May when it got stagnant....there is a definite pull back now.

Anyhow...about the mid of October he stopped by about 4 times.  Was here for a short spurt and with reason.  Primarily to work on the bathroom or meet with the contractor.  Didn't stay any longer than he had to stay.  Now we saw each other 4 times in the last 4 days and he mentioned possibly stopping by again today.  Who knows.....it is so odd.

Last week, H stopped by and out of the blue asked me to ride to a family wedding together on Saturday.  We did.  During the reception, he was very intent on drinking.  Free mixed drinks and beer and he ran up that tab.  Would go to the bar and come back with 3 to 4 drinks just for himself.  Within an hour he was feeling VERY good.  He even left his phone on the table and walked away...got talking...when he came back for his phone...it was about 2 hours later.  He sat beside me at the reception but hardly spoke to me.  I was however enjoying the show.  I was getting a peak into his behaviors.   He was all about attention from other people that night. 

On Sunday, he told me he had plans but still agreed to go to a family lunch.  Told him where to meet me at and he told me I could ride with him.  So I did.  Why not.

We agreed to leave at 9:30.  He showed up at 9 and told me change of plans.  I got myself ready in 5 mins and we were out the door with no notice from him.  I said nothing.
The ride there was uneventful.  He played with the grandkids when we got to the park.  He was in good spirits.  At one point, we got separated by people walking between us....he looked around to see where I was and slowed down and waited for me but still kept walking in front of me. 

Once we got to the restaurant, he ordered and then he pulled out his phone and stayed on his phone playing the entire meal.  So did the grandkids.  He wasn't involved in any of the convos going on at all.

On the way home, he volunteered to help me pick up a bike I needed for rehab and made sure I noticed he was keeping his mower at my parent's house.  SIL had seen it was stored at OW1 house for a period of time.  I never said a word or let on that I knew.  Just said...well you know mom and dad don't mind.  He also made some really weird comments:

1.  We should fix the little things that need to be done on the house.  You can sell it with the market being up right now.  Get more than double what we paid for it.   I said Yes...I am sure however to buy something else means I would also be paying more than the house is really worth.  This market is gonna crash again and I prefer to not be upside down.  If anything, it would be best to refinance and consolidate.  He said....do it soon if you are gonna do it.  Bear in mind that I broached this topic a few months back and he looked at me and said "Sam,  you know I don't know a lot about that stuff."  Now all of a sudden he is a financial real estate advisor.

I quickly figured out that he recently spoke with friend J who is at the end stages of his own MLC.  He idolized J at the beginning of MLC.  Even compared us to him.  Friend J is loaded because his father died and left him a lot.  J just stole property from an older woman who wanted to sell her daughter's house.  Her D had recently died.  J heard about it before she got to the realtor.  The older woman said the house is only worth about $75000 and that is all she wanted.  J went and grabbed cash from his safe and paid her.  He took advantage of her.  The home is worth about double that and J is gonna put about $15k into it and sell it for about $225k with the current market conditions.  So H thinks we should sell our place to have the funds to buy something else like what J did.  Would find if I had a place to live...  I don't...this is my home and I will fight to keep it.  I'll buy him out before I sell it.

2.  We had planned a lunch and planned on buying but I didn't tell H.  When we were leaving, I took the bill and paid.  When we got to the car to leave, H said  "I didn't have any cash so I couldn't help pay the bill."   I laughed so hard inside.  This was not spur of the moment.  We had talked about it for 3 days.  He asked about the restaurant and the prices and the food options.  Too funny.

3.  He is on an anti-SIL kick again.   Talking bad about SIL.  Last week he was talking good about him.

There are some things he says and does that just feels like early on hard replay again....yet it is different.  I wonder if he is back into hard replay again yet not or if it just feels different because I am in a much different place now.

Where things would have hurt before or I would have taken them to heart...I don't.   I see him doing flip-flops more often now suddenly.  One time talking about fixing the driveway and a week later wanting to sell the place.  Talking about long terms dreams with the house just a month or so ago and now selling it.  Hard to tell what tomorrow will bring....I just know I can handle it.

[UrsaMajor]

There are some things he says and does that just feels like early on hard replay again....yet it is different.  I wonder if he is back into hard replay again yet not or if it just feels different because I am in a much different place now.

Did he ever really LEAVE "hard replay?" Or maybe just had a momentary slow-down?

[Sam I Am]

UM - Do I believe it was always hard replay or a momentary slow down?  Good question!  All i know is it was always replay to various degrees. 

Part of me believes it was a temporary exodus out of hard replay because I saw some differences for over a year....BUT...he is in MLC so how do I really know.  Wishful thinking?

All I can say is that some of his actions are bringing back memories of when he was in really hard replay for about 12 to 18 mos after BD.  The time was limerence was the highest.  I was the spawn of Satan and he couldn't get enough of OW1.  Then there were changes.  Not an exit of MLC....just gradual changes over a LOOOOOOOOOOONG period of time.  Now it seems like a huge LEAP backwards.   A sudden change!

And then he changed again.  LOL!  Leave it up to MLC! 

[UrsaMajor]

And, he's off to the races... again.... Maybe (just maybe and NOT to encourage "stage watching") his cycles are getting closer together.... and h is on the way to spiraling

[Sam I Am]

Brief Recap of H's MLC:

Nov 2017 - Didn't visit for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Was late to Christmas dinner with his family and didn't stay long.  Didn't have Thanksgiving with his family.  They had Thanksgiving with me because not one of their own kids invited them.  MIL said on that day....I don't know what is wrong with my kids.  I didn't raise them like this.  2 of the 3 were divorced at that time and H was intent on divorcing me.

Nov 2018 - I think H came for Thanksgiving.  I don't know.   I really don't have time or desire to go back through my history right now to remember.  It just doesn't matter to me.  He had just moved in with the OW again but was hiding it.

Nov 2019 - H came for lunch. 

Nov 2020 - H came for lunch

Nov 2021 - H came for lunch.  I never invited him but I made sure he was looped into the times.  I didn't this one time.  Verbally it was brought up one time.  He never said he was coming or not coming.  He ignored like it was never mentioned.  A few days before TG, my son advised my H he was coming home for the holiday.  H suddenly started to drop hints that he was coming.  Asked what time....duh...it was in the mass email which you deleted so ow couldn't see. 

Two days before TG he said he was going to come over early.  He wanted to help me do some yard work.  He showed up at 11 and completely forgot about the yard work.  When he was leaving later in the day, he said...I might get the stuff done by Christmas.  I just don't have the desire to do yard work anymore.  Told him not to worry...I would get it done.  H said...Thanks for the help!

While there at TG, he was very distant from me.  I was distant from him.  I was too busy to pay attention to him other than he downed a lot of whiskey.  I took notice of the bottle after he left.  Half the bottle gone.  He was quick to jump into family pictures and be the center of attention.  He volunteered to get the bird out and first thing he did was grab a huge hunk of the skin before sharing with others.  He left after 4 hours and you could tell during the last hour he had already left.  He sat in a chair playing on his phone vs socializing.

Since, TG, he went quiet again.  Then will pop up for a day then quiet again for several.  Have no idea what is happening to him.

He did call me on Monday.  H sounded off.  No spirit in his voice.  I had passed him going home for lunch.  He called to tell me he put the dogs out....he drove past his parents house to see if yard work needed done.  It did but it was too cold to do.  He then told me he was going to get an estimate for repairs which he emailed to me the next day.  Then stone cold silence again.  Oh well his loss!

[Sam I Am]

My update:

For the most part I am well.  Dealing with frustration from my surgery being cancelled.  Frustrated for not being able to be as active as I desire.  Frustrated from nearly constant pain. 
Frustrated with a new system at work that is driving me and my staff nuts.

Apart from my frustrations- which I can't control- I am good! 

I find myself wondering if I want H back and if so, can I live a life with him knowing what he has said and done during his mlc.  Will I really be able to put the past behind us?  Will I be able to truly forgive?  Right now I am not so sure.

Occasionally my mind wonders and I recall things and I get mad.  Will I be able to put this behind me or will I always have underlying anger of his actions and choices?

I am not so sure right now.  I won't loose sleep over it but I know longer have the confidence that WE will overcome.   I want him to come through this for himself....I just am no longer sure about what I want at the end.  Evolution of me continues.  Time will tell!

I know this means I have things to deal with and address.  I do and will continue but there are seeds of doubt about the future with H.  Especially the man who claims family is #1 for him but then turns around and said he has no responsibility after the kids turned 18.  Just...Grrrrrrrrr!  Here again, this was his tude at BD.  He expressed it shortly after he left.  So much seems to be a throwback to earlier MLC times. 

I have never really seen depression in H.  He is good at masking.  The other day, I felt like I heard it in his voice and the way he responded.  Sadly, my heart didn't break for him.  Suck it up buttercup.  Deal with your $h!te!  Don't drag me into it!  That is my new found tude to his crap!  More hard nosed! 

Time will tell!  I am not worried about it! 
 

[Evermore]

Thanks for the update SIA. It’s funny how we evolve isn’t it. I read others’ threads that are further along and think ‘I’ll never get there’ (to where they are). And I feel that way about some other people (you get a sense of ‘where they are’ in their detachment). And yet, that changes, often surprisingly, and in spurts. You get the hint of a different way of feeling but it’s only fleeting. Then it comes more and more often. And then for some it seems to flip over the 50% mark and more often than not you’re feeling ‘the new way’ and the old feeling start to come less and less. All of that is both terrifying and comforting. I can see that you’re evolving! It’s obvious that ‘where you are’ has changed quite significantly. You sound great and like you’re comfortable with that change. That’s comforting for someone like me that’s still ‘behind you’!. 😊

[UrsaMajor]

I find myself wondering if I want H back and if so, can I live a life with him knowing what he has said and done during his mlc.  Will I really be able to put the past behind us?  Will I be able to truly forgive?  Right now I am not so sure.

First and foremost the person formerly known as "H" has left the building.... long ago.... Any future R will be with a different person who just happens to look like the person formerly known as "Spouse."

The real question is "In his current state, would you want him?" The answer is very likely


If and when he pulls hid head out of his ... fog... and does the work he needs to do, that answer might change, IF 1) you have not moved on, 2) you are STILL interested in him(#'s 1 & 2 are not necessarily linked), 3) HE is still interested in you, 4) you BOTH wish to pursue an R... There are a lot of "if's" here....

[Schratz66]

Sam, attaching to your new thread and still following you along. You have always been in such great spirits about everything and I always admired that and still do. Our time lines were pretty close and I cannot believe both if us are still here and are so much better than we were and I could not have gotten there without this forum and all the wonderful people.

Keep posting and I will keep hanging with you

[Sam I Am]

Hi UM....

Yes.....In addition to all of that.....I often wonder how I would feel.....IF.   And that is a big IF.

If he wants to start over....then will I be able.....

I wonder many things but this has been a big one for me lately.  Can I really put things behind me in the future and let it all go....IF!

[Sam I Am]

66 -  Hey Lady!  Always good to hear from you!   Hope you are well!

Yes still hanging in there.  For now.

Not doing it for him.  Doing it for me because I don't want another relationship at this time.  Part of me still loves him.  Part of me wonders why.  HaHa.

No matter.   I am doing what makes me happy and moving further and further from him.  Sadly I don't think he realizes it most of the time.

Stay in touch!   Always here for you!   Merry Christmas!

[Sam I Am]

Hi all!  For those that celebrate Christmas!  I hope and pray you made it a great one!  Only comes around once a year!

Christmas History with MLCer:

2017:  MIA  Came around for leftovers afterward.  He was late to his family gathering by about an hour.  They waited for him.  This was reported to me by D.

2018:  He came by.  Didn't stay long.  Places to go...people to see!  HaHa  He did get me a gift.  A portable jump box. 

2019:  Ditto 2018.  I think I got socks for Christmas that year.

2020:  Longer visit.  I got earrings and a membership to a PB organization.

2021:  He came and went to Christmas eve services with me and the family.  During the service, the GD got bored.  Gave her my phone to play on.  He started to pick on her.  I felt like I had to babysit both of them.   I didn't say a word but I saw child-like actions and responses from him.  He also got into a pissing contest with 5 yo GS.  They were both puffing their chests and vying for my attention.  H resorted to bully-like statements and I changed the subject vs playing "MOTHER" to him.  He should know better! 

On Christmas day, he came over early to help prep the turkey.  He accidentally broke my baking bag.  We fixed but he just wouldn't stop the I ruined it...I broke it...I didn't know any better.  Not problem-solving....it was all self admonishment by him.  It took a few moments pondering but we came up with a fix and the turkey baked just fine and dandy.

After visiting D and her family, he usually leaves.  This year, he stayed.  Mostly he sat in the recliner and played on his phone.  When he would get up, he would volunteer to help.

About an hour before people got there, he decided he didn't like the look of some peeling paint on the ceiling.  (We didn't realize we painted water-based paint over oil-based paint...result...the paint occasionally peels loose.)  Anyhow, he went and got a scraper and started to scrape the hall ceiling.  He cleaned up and put everything away and then said....he wanted to do it in the dining room too.  I looked at him and kindly asked him to not do it today.  Not when I am already set up for a meal.   He complied.

When people started coming and things got more rambunctious, I noticed he was more and more on his phone.  All games.  He didn't hide his phone when anyone walked by.  When it was time to eat...he was front and center to help get the bird out and carved.  I let him just take charge.  I appreciated the help!  We all sat at the table, but he went to the living room and ate.  He was visually in line with us, but he sat alone in another room to eat.  So odd...but hey....it is his MLC.

He stayed around for a few more hours and then said he had to go.  When he left....SIL asked him where he was going.  He hesitated but said he was going HOME (his sister's dining room).  Sister is making a meal for the 3 siblings and their parents.  Something she has not done since 2017.    Part of me wants to believe it and part of me thinks he was hunkered down with the OW.

Upon leaving, he gave me a hug.  I have not had a hug since early 2019.  I think Mother's day was the last and at that time it reminded me of 2 kids that were forced to hug.  It was cold and stiff.  This hug he initiated.  Wasn't long or special but wasn't cold and stiff either.  Friendly but yet I don't consider us friends.

Now I expect a huge quiet pull away from him.  This is his new norm.  Come around...then pulls away and is quiet with no contact for a time.   I just let him at it. 

[Kind18]

I like how you document all this, but don’t try too much to interpret or understand it.

Nothing will drive you madder than trying to interpret or understand how an MLC acts.

Better off just looking the other way 

[rosetintedglasses]

Great update Sam. It’s good to see the comparisons.

I wouldn’t worry about Sam, Kind. She has been at this a long time and knows what she’s doing. The journaling is who she is and she’s doing amazingly. Well - we all are actually aren’t we!

Glad you had a good time Sam, and wow a hug! Interesting to note!

Rose 🌹

[Music45]

Gosh Sam, your H and mine are so similar.

Both come nearer then push off again. Last Christmastime my H was round a lot and had Christmas dinner with us etc. Then he started going off again slowly until, by the end of July, I called him out on it and he's been distant ever since. No idea why. Nothing to do with anything I said or did differently.
Just like (I think it was you who said it) watching a science experiment...

You sound good. Keep smiling

[Sam I Am]

Kind.....

I like how you document all this, but don’t try too much to interpret or understand it.

Nothing will drive you madder than trying to interpret or understand how an MLC acts.

Better off just looking the other way 

Thank you for your insight.   I agree with you. 

Hence why I observe and see but i know all of it means NOTHING! 

It is nice though to look back and see not only that he is S L O W L Y progressing somehow but more importantly to see how I am progressing.

I no longer hang onto every word or contact.  I do a lot of head shaking and eye rolling.  I see see through his crap so with so much more clarity.

I likened it before to a snow globe.  Shake things up and he gets clear and fuzzy.  Not me!  I can see clearly now.....

Hope you are well!  Have a Happy New Year! 

[Sam I Am]

Hi Rose!  So nice to hear from you!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words! 

How is everything in your world?  Kids doing well?   I'll jump over to your post soon and catch up!

Yes we are doing well!

I will be forever grateful for MLC in a way.   I appreciate the strength that I gained from this.  I would have preferred it another way....but I accept it and I am making the best for me now.  I can honestly say I am happy with the person I have become and I work to improve on me forever and a day!   

I never want to go back to who and what I was before!

Keep taking care of yourself Rose!  Happy New Year!

[Sam I Am]

Music,

It is amazing how they all seem to follow some sort of "script".

More so early on, but even later, there is still script involved.

In our cases, it appears the script right now is the shutting down while distancing.

H does it all the time.   

Has some good "family" time, then disappears.   It has been much worse since the last time I saw the real H which was late Spring.  However, it really started in March after his injury.  Just escalted notably in the late Spring and continues.

On a good note.....I saw fragments of the real H about a week ago.  Didn't last long at all and it came after an extended shut down.  For about 1.5 days, he was happy.  He smiled.  He conversed.  He was drawn to the gkids.  He did work at the hosue.  He was friendly and volunteers to stop by to  take care of the dogs.

After his brief outing.....guess what.....shut down again.   Sad that on Christmas he couldn't smile and be happy and enjoy fam.   Maybe one day.  His choice!

Oh well.  I keep going!   I am not giving up the good things in my life while he is hiding in his mlc world.   I will not let life pass me by.  I just enjoy it way too much now!

[Sam I Am]

Posting earlier than I usually do, but I just had an urge to share...

At Christmas H was showing childish behaviors while at church.   

Last Sunday we had the youngest grandchilds consecration so H was off to church again with us.

I got to see the man child again and nearly peed my pants to avoid LOL in the middle of church.

Near the beginning of service, we stood to sing.  Then sat for announcements then stood again to sing.  H looks at me and says,

I don't understand why I have to stand!

  Tone was very childish.  I controled myself.  Told him that he didn't have to and I stood then he stood.

During service, H cradled his head in his hand and was hunched over.  He was falling asleep.  Thank goodness he didn't snore.  LOL.  Anyhow, at the end of serice (like 20 minutes later) he got up during the last song and ran out and said as he was leaving that he needs air, he can't keep his eyes open. 

On the way home, he said the non-drowsy allergy meds he took must have made him sleepy.  He just couldn't stay awake.  Said he couldn't belive it because he slept so good the night before and was feeling good up until then.

Poor guy!   

[rosetintedglasses]

Great update Sam!

How intriguing! I remember Acorn describing her H in a similar way at church. Acting like a child.

Rose 🌹

[Sam I Am]

Hello all!  Happy Valentines!  Stopping by for an update.

Since my last post....a lot of nothing has happened.  I really mean nothing!

H was in contact a lot a month ago for the b day and baptism of young grandbaby.  Then poof.....he was gone.  For about 22 days of the last month, he has not been in contact.  Would have been more, but there was 2 days of "forced" contact.  One he game to see the grandkids and one I helped his parents and ran into him.  More on that later!

H has not been this distant since Feb of 2019 when he started to reach out more.  I notice I have much more peace within me when he is not in contact.  He is in such a sad state right now that it is hard to see him and I hardly recognize who he is becoming.  It is really sad to see.

So here is the recap over the years as I can best remember it:

Feb 2018:  Nothing from H.  He was fully in love with the OW.  He was secretly planning on moving out of State with her.  It was about this time that he decided he couldn't go.  He was going to take her and drop her off and come home and see what happened.  This was all info I found out after the fact.  I had no idea of his move until months later.

Feb 2019:  H went on vacation with Sis.  Her deceased H had planned a romantic get a way to Las Vegas.  She had to use or loose the flights, hotels, show vouchers etc.  So she took H.  It was during this week away that I noticed OW2 was posting daily something on FB about places he was visiting.  I thought it odd and this is when I really started thinking that something could be up.  It was also during this time that he reached out to me and talked to me.  He called and had a 45 minute convo.  Of course he was on speaker and sis was in the background but it was the most we had talked since he moved in July of 18. 

Feb 2020:  I was seeing H on a more regular basis.  Mostly due to PB.  Some when he would visit the kids.  More calls were taking place more often.

Feb 2021:  Very similar to 2021.  Near the end of them month is when he got hurt.  Besides calling work, I was the first person he called to tell about it.  After this.....a lot started changing with him.  This is when he started to pull away and it has been increasing more and more over the last year.

Feb 2022:  This far this month, I have seen him twice and we talked for about 30 mins.  First time I saw him was when he Dad fell and his mom needed help getting him up.  Sis couldn't reach H so she called me and I went and helped.  As I was leaving, H came in.  He barely looked at me.  He thanked me for the help.  Told me he just woke up in case I couldn't tell and then he turned his attention to getting the news on TV.  I walked out after saying good bye and I doubt he even heard me.  H never said a word.

Second time was when I went home for lunch and he was at the house looking for something.  I wasn't going to even go in, but I needed something so I did vs running back a 2nd time.   He looked like crap.  He is growing his hair out.  He has a bald spot on the crown of his head.  He was not clean shaven, like he just didn't shave that day.   He was still inside and I started to leave and he followed me out.  It was freezing but he continued to talk:

Told me:
-He was looking for a pair of boots that he thought he left there
-He is gathering all his tools for his new job for when they call him to start
-He has a backup job in case he doesn't like the new one.
-Told me with the one job that he could get a discounted fuel oil rate for the house (not me or us...the house) for heating.
-Told me that he wants to have Sundays off because that is when most mixed doubled PB tournaments are.
-There was a lot of blah blah blah moments where his lips were moving and something repetative and complaining was coming out.  Either about his job or the son in law or a friend who was messing up or whatever.  Just the same old same old that he complains about.

-I told him when it comes to work...he will figure it out.  He will do what is best for him.
-I told him good job for getting his endorsement and also for pro actively getting tools ready so he is good to go when he gets the call to start.
-That is pretty much all I said.  Not much more to say since it was all him talking and I was freezing.

Since then,  crickets.


Now, as for me....i am doing good.  I got called for my surgery so that is to happen on 2.23.  I am excited.  Hope to be back playing PB by the end of April or beginning of May.  Can't wait for this.  Planning on doing all I can to get in shapre as soon as possible.

Right now....mostly just watching my weight until I can be active again.  Can't come soon enough.

I am enjoying my family
I am enjoying my life.

I am doing a lot of things for myself with no regrets and very little thought of Poor H is missing this.   Sad but true.  He is further and futher from my mind.


 
 

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Sam,

Good to "read" from you again... Not much to say except that H is still off in La-La -Land ... Not your circus, not your monkeys, right?

I can certainly understand that it is much more peaceful when he is not in contact...

[rosetintedglasses]

Ditto to what UM said Sam.

So much more peaceful when we get a period of time without their presence.

Seeing it written out like that shows how long and drawn out this all is. 

You sound awesome
Rose 🌹

[FaithWalker]

Hey Sam! 



I totally know what you mean about the peace!

[Sam I Am]

Ursa....yes I agree.  This is all on him to enjoy La La Land!  I am not a circus goer at all!

Rose:  Hi!  Hope you are well!  I love the peace.  It also helps time to fly too because my brain wonders less without constand reminders.

Faith:   Hello....back at you!  Love the waiving bear!   I still don't know how to import fun things like that.

Time sure did get away from me over the last month plus.   Hope all of your are well.  I gotta get caught up on how you are all doing!

[Sam I Am]

My update:

A lot of things has happened with me since I last visitied.

My finally got my knee surgery the end of Feb.   I spent all of March getting "back on my feet".  A lot of rehab and learning how to walk again and to strengthen my muscles.

All is well.  For about 3 weeks I was not feeling myself.  Little pain but a lot of discomfort.  Sleepless nights...stiffness....medications.

I would do it all again, but I thought my healing was gonna be a lot faster.   At the end of 3 weeks....I was grumpy and just wanted to be alone.

Around 4 weeks, all the PT started to pay off.  Things started feeling much better.  The stiffness is still there but it loosens up faster.  Still have swelling but less of it.   Just all around...things were getting better.

This past weekend, I was able to go and visit with some PB friends.  Watched a tournament.  Went out Friday night to a ladies gathering.  Overall.....I was back to being me with some physical limitations.  It all felt so great.

I realized yesterday that I was in a funk.  This is why I wanted to be alone and not socialize.  Part of it was the aftermath of the surgery.  Some of it was because I was angry at H for not being there when I needed him most.

I needed to work through it and I did and now all that is behind me.  Yeah!

I feel so much better physically...mentally and emotionally since I faced those things and addressed them.  How liberating it can be!

[Sam I Am]

H updates:

Gonna do my best here.  The longer this goes....the less I recall

March 2018:  H has moved in with a friend after ow1 moved out of state and he decided not to joint her.  That lasted about 2 weeks then he contacted me to move home and live in guest room.   

April of 2018:  We were roomies...that is all.  We did a few things together but for the most part....we did our own things.

March of 2019:  H reached out and invited me to PB at the church.  This was the start of a prolonged period of touch and goes.  He was still involved with OW1 but living with Sister in law.

April of 2019:  I saw H more because of PB.  Wasn't much   A few times a month at PB.  Sometimes he acted like he knew me.  Sometimes he kept his distance.  Sometimes he just didn't show.   

March of 2020:  Still having t & g.  We were in lock down with little to do but H was communicating more.  More calls.  More visits depite no PB and more calls.

April of 2020:  We launched outside PB in our area so we had something to do during shutdown.  PB is a natural socially distancing sport since only 4 people play and you need to stay about 10 feet apart while playing so you can cover the court.   Time together ramped up...but only during pb.  He was more friendly.  He came for Easter but left early and suddenly.  Guessing ow1 had something going on too.

March of 2021:  H was injured the end of Feb.  This left him sitting with little to do.   He declined my offers for any assistance.  I offered twice when he was belly aching....I never offered after the second rejection.   I know he was still involved with ow1.  He posted a pic of his injury while in her bathroom.   It hurt that he turned to her but I accepted it was MLC and I let it all go.  He came to a family dinner for Easter and stayed all day.  Mostly because we celebrated on Saturday vs Sunday.

April 2021:  He continued to heal and he was getting around better.  Still calling out of boredom.  He was coming to the house to do work.  Once again....I think it was boredom.  Not much else he could do so he came and did yard work on the tractor and mower.  He was very helpful

March of 2022:  He texted a few times just to see how my recovery was going.  Hardly called and visted one time after I was released from the hospital but he was clearly uncomfortable.  He stayed about 15 minutes then made an excuse that he had to go to work and skeedaddled out of there as fast as he could.  After that it was nearly a month before he returned.  He didn't even stop by in my absence to get his mail.  Just let it all pile up.  He pretty much vanished.  Still nothing for him to go 10 to 12 days with no contact.

April of 2022:  So far this month, he has reached out a bit more but only with social media.  He stopped by one time this month to get his mail and my son in law was doing a project for me and needed help moving a wardrobe and he has H to help.   Saw him briefly that day.  It almost seems when he pops in that all is ok for about 5 minutes then you can see him get uneasy.   Almost like being in my presence is making his skin burn and he has to get out of there ASAP so he doesn't melt.  It is so odd to watch.   I don't know how he is feeling...that is just what I am observing.

Phone calls are still few and far between.  Most of the time when they happen....it is all about what he wants to talk about.  I feel like a bobblehead doll.  Just listening and saying ok   ok  ok.....he no longer gets my thoughts...my ideas or my opinions.  Just...ok...that stinks....you got this.....short...positive....neutral. 

[UrsaMajor]

Oh look! It's Sam's H in her presence!

[Music45]

Great update Sam
You sound so together. Our H's are do similar as mine is properly on "off"mode right now.
The way you interact with your H and get on with your life is inspiring, it really is.

[MadLuv]

Sam, that he is in your presence but uncomfortable is pretty script as well, right? My XH at one point got the shakes if he had to walk back in our house. He also stated that when he would drive up to the house it seemed further and further away. I think they know this should feel like home, but they have made that difficult and with that is the uneasiness of it all. I can’t imagine, but it has to be scary.

Glad to hear surgery went well and you are on the mend. There is something liberating about getting through tough moments you used to have a partner for, but you make it through just fine on your own. I’m just starting to recognize this after some very low moments. Each one makes us stronger.

[Sam I Am]

UM...too funny!

Music...ty...I do nothing special other than treat him like any other human....everything is business like and that makes it easy in a way.  I no longer have the desire to be involved with him at an emotional level so business like is all I can offer.

MadLuv...script....sounds like it based on your experiences.  Who knows....it can be funny at times and I try hard not to lol in his presense.

[Sam I Am]

Typical of mlc....I get used to his absence and now I am bombarded with presence.

Since 4.10....he has been in touch either in person or via phone for 12 out of 17 days.   Complete opposite of the last few months.

There have been visits...some short....some longer.  He has stopped by the house and actually stayed a bit....hung out at the door...didn't get too comfy...but stayed and talked.  He has came by to do chores at the house.  There have been short phone calls multiple times and even a few longer ones where he talked about his family for a bit.  More sharing via texts and snaps too. 

This week he surprised me and asked me to ride along to visit Son and I did and it was a near normal H that day.  His mood was lighter than I have seen since last April.  He smiled...joked but I notice he still does not like silence.....talk talk talk talk talk about anything that popped into his mind.  It was a nice trip.  I have not been included in family visits for so long, I can't remember the last time.  Maybe last summer...just don't know.

So he has been more communicative and involved for the last few weeks and the first thing that comes to my mind is what is up with him.  Why all of a sudden being nice and staying in touch?  I was non existent for over 6 months and I got quite used to the peace.

My thoughts are due to the lack trust that I have developed regarding him from over the years.  He has given me no reason to trust him at all so now I question his motives.  In the back of my mind....he has an ulterior motive.   Hind site lets me see where he has been nice...helpful...communicative....involved....only to get what he wants and draw away again.

So for me....I am being nice.  Sweet...courteous....answering his questions but divulging no info.

Now it is me that is being distant and waiting to see this out and see what happens in time.  Time will tell.  It always does.

[MadLuv]

Wow Sam that’s crazy or is it? Haha  Sounds like your handling it great. I’m curious on all the talk talk talk. I know you were not divulging much, but did he ask anything about what you had been up to? 

[Sam I Am]

Wow Sam that’s crazy or is it? Haha

   Everything in MLC seems crazy to us from the outside looking in.   I can't imagine what is going on inside them.  Some people have came here and shared and their input is so helpful in having some understanding on how bad that life is.

Sounds like your handling it great.

  Thank you!  I just do me.  Keep it light!  I let him lead and guide and I support.  I feel like a bobblehead doll....a lot of nodding!

I’m curious on all the talk talk talk. I know you were not divulging much, but did he ask anything about what you had been up to?

  The talk, talk, talk is just him filling the air with things he feels comfortable talking about.   The family, work, buying another car then not buying because he doesn't know what to do....his hair, his activities, his family, the tree we passed on the highway, the roadkill.  Whatever pops up is what we talk about until he changes the topic.

Does he ask about me.  Hardly ever.  Never about what I am doing.  He has asked about my knee a few times or what office I will be working at on a particular day but that is mostly because he wants to know where I will be so he knows when and how to swap cars.  Ultimately it goes back to him.

When I say i don't divulge.  I don't volunteer anything.  I don't make a convo about me at all.  I don't give my opinion unless it is asked of me and then I try to get his ideas first...if they sound good...I just say...that sounds like a great idea.  If I have different thoughts, then I say something like...I have a different idea...what do you think of this.....

I try to turn it back to him because I feel like that is his safety zone.  I want him to see that I do value his input and his thoughts and his ideas.  Most of the time, it helps us come to a happy middle ground.

Ex:  Pool problems...the liner was pulling loose in 1 small area.

Me:  H...what would you suggest we do?
H:  I would fill it up and see what happens.
Me:  Do you think the weight of the water could pull down more liner?
H:  Hmmm....yeah that could happen?
Me:  do you think it would be a good idea to get a repair person to look at it before putting in more water?
H:  Yeah.  So who do we call?
Me:  Maybe do some google searchers for someone reputable and close by?
H:  Sounds good.  Let me know what they say.

This is just an example of how I try to keep him involved when he is involved.   If he had not noticed the liner....I would have just taken care of it without him. 

I don't bring him into things that I can handle on a day to day basis.  Big things that would affect him....I keep him in the loop and let him decide what he wants involved in and what he doesn't.

We are not to a point where he really wants to know anything about me unless it because there is a benefit to him.   I accept it and am not bothered by it.

My only concern is more about me.   I am getting used to not sharing and I have no issue with it.   Will I be able to open up again in the future IF he ever comes back?   What if he doesn't and I move on....will I always be closed off because this is now part of the new me?

Things that make me think!

[MadLuv]

Sam- your a professional at this point.  That all sounds perfect on how to handle it.  I think you do just get used to not talking about yourself or sharing. It’s like no expectations before even talking !! Hehe

[Sam I Am]

Mad....lol....not a professional at all.  We just learn to change and adapt as we go through this process.

Not all of it is bad.  Most of it is good and makes us better people overall....if we take the time to learn and grow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 H keeps surprising me in his actions right now.

I got a call last week that he is going to see son again this weekend and invited me to go along again.   Sure...why not!  I love to see my son!

This time the trip was not as fun.  He was less like the near normal H I saw the week before.  More somber.  Less chatty.  More times of silence.   I was ok with all this.  I don't need to have background noise or yacking.  Silence is good.

When we got home, he decided to mow his parents house and mine.  Each takes about an hour.  When he did his parents house....he was gone for 3 plus hours.  This means there is a possibility that he did grass for ow1 and ow2's Mom.  He skipped my parents.  Told my Dad to do it himself this week.  LOL! 

He then started to look around my yard and TELL me things that needed done.  Including week whacking.  Son has mind right now, so I asked H to let me use his this week.....then he wanted to know if he should do it or me.  Told him, I know you are busy....I can work on.

There is a large limb down in the yard.  Told him I would use the wench on the atv to move it this week.  He told me no.  I might accidentally dig the limb into the ground and tear up the e-fence.  Ok I said.  Then he told me that he would hook a chain to his mower and he would drag it back.   In my head....how is that any different than what I wanted to do?   I didn't say a word  Not worth it.  I just said....ok....I'll let it for you.

We had one strange moment on the trip.....I asked him if he can help with the dogs a few days this week.   He said NO and left it at that.   I just said ok.    Eventually he got tired of the silence and then he started yacking again.

We shall see how things go moving forward.  Now that I know he has vacation this week, I look for him to disappear again.  He usually takes this time to visit ow2 that lives out of state. 

He told me a month ago he was heading to the cabin to hunt and I totally forgot all about it but he told my daughter he wouldn't be around to hunt with her next weekend and he told my parents he doesn't know when he will get back to the cabin again....so obviously....his plans have changed and the way he clammed up it was something he doesn't want to discuss with me.  Oh well. 

This is about the time of year when he started into pulling away last year.   He was coming closer...then went on an out of town visit and kept pulling away more and more over the last year.   April was the first time  in nearly a year that he came closer in any sense of the form.   

All I know is he is gone for the next week and I don't have to worry about him popping in anywhere for anything!   Guess I am getting a vacay too!

[UrsaMajor]

Wash....





Rinse.......




Spin.......



Repeat........

[Sam I Am]

UM:   I couldn't have said it better myself!  LOL!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I left off with H going on vacation to visit OW2, not to the cabin as were his original plans.

He was gone for the week and I had a week of peace.  I knew he would not be sneaking to the house or calling or texting.  I had written him off and it was a good recharge for me.

I had a great week at work with lots to keep me and the staff busy.  I got good news at PT that I could "PRACTICE" pickleball but not be competitive and aggressive in going after the ball.

I chose to go away for a day by myself and enjoyed the peace and quiet.  I renewed my motorcycle license and the weather had turned to the better so I got the scooter out and can legally ride it now.  Best of all, I got some indepth cleaning at the house down.  Getting some of my area organized and clean can be self care.  It makes me feel better in the moment but also makes my life better in the long run.  So utility closet cleaned, carport better organized and some winter clothes to storage.

H did leave me alone until Sunday.  Then I got the obligatory Happy Mothers Day followed up with BTW, your mower is done and I'll try to pick it up tomorrow.   I ignored for a while....then finally replied   TY....OK

Normally I go home for lunch and to let the dogs out.  I don't go when I know for sure that H will be there.  Like days he tells me he is mowing.   

Yesterday I go home at lunch and my truck was moved.  I surmised that H was by to get the trailer to get my mower.  The trailer was there so I figured he had gone and picked it up.  I went about my business and back to work I go.

Several hours later H texts to see if I paid for the mower.  Told him I did and I was concerned that he paid for it when he got it and there was a lack of communication at the repair shop.  H followed up with....K....I am on my way to get your mower now.  This is nearly 3 pm.  In my mind, I can't figure out why he was buy the house before noon....moved my truck but didn't do anything else.  Oh well.  Whatever....he is MLC nutty and hard to tell what he was doing.  He may have forgotten why he was even there.

I do some quick calculations and I figure he will have the mower picked up and dropped off and he will be gone from home before I get there after work.   Boy was I wrong.

Instead of coming straight home so he could avoid me, he chose to mow his parents grass, then fill the gas in the mower then drop it off.  I get home to him putting my mower away and pulling his out.  I went into the house as if he wasn't there.

He mowed my front yard, then stepped into the house, but only one step into the back door.  He wouldn't venture any further.  I nearly LOLd. 

Told me my mower was working good.  It was muddy because he got into the lower yard at his parents where it was mucky from the recent rain.  He then went on to tell me that I should go ahead and mow the back half of the yard as it needed done. 

I informed him that I had plans and it wouldn't be done tonight.   He said....Oh, well, I'll probably get to it later in the week.

He then took his mower and his trailer and said he had to go mow my parents yard and off he went.


I really could have done without the visit yesterday.  Especially knowing he just spent the week with OW2.  He chose not to take my daughter hunting yesterday am as originally promised and he chose not to go and see the grandkids last night as he has been doing the last few weeks.  He also advised me he is not going to take off to go to a memorial on Saturday for a friend and when son comes in to visit next Friday, he will stop by to see him if he is back from work early enough.  WTF

He is going backwards again.  It is ok with me because I am going forward.

I make mention of his shenanigans hoping it will help others.....but my sad reality is that his crap is annoying but it no longer hurts.   I am still watching the chaos in the snow globe and thankful I am not inside....just observing from outside.

Rinse and report for him....onward and upward for me!   Here we go!

[UrsaMajor]

No words needed....

[MadLuv]

Wow, he’s a here today gone tomorrow kind of MLCer isn’t he. He never stays with any decisions for to long. I’m amazed at his moving constantly.

[Sam I Am]

UM....Too funny!  He is spinning and as sad as it is to sit back and watch, it is what I have to do for me. 

Mad Luv....For nearly a year, he was distant and keeping it that way.  It was getting worse each month it seemed....until recently.  Who knows what is gonng be next....just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the show from afar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H continues to spin like a crazed gorilla!

I left off the saga last week with H coming back from a vacay to touch base.  He then disappeared again and that lasted 4 days.

He popped up Saturday with a call.  He reported to me that son was on his way home for the Memorial Service of his best friends father.  He went on to tell me that he wanted to call son but didn't have a reason so he fabricated a reason.

His reason.....hey, while your packing, can you keep an eye out for my pickleball paddle?   

To me...I am thinking this is your son.  You don't need a reason to call.  Call just to say hey...how are you...hope your well, how is your day.   I was flabbergasted that he thought he needed a reason to call him.

I have had long term suspicions that he only reaches out to D and myself only if he has a reason.  I also felt at times they were fabricated.   Now he confirmed it.  This day, he was only able to call me because he had a reason to tell me about son.  DIL was gonna call me to tell me they were on their way and H said he would do it.

Most calls from H have always started off that he was calling for a specific thing....either he just talked to S or he was following up on something.  H just can call to say hello...how are you....nope....he always starts off with a specific reason for calling.


So we all meet up and go to the Memorial.  When we get there, we are waiting for son on the porch and a few of son's old teammates approach.  I start talking to them and addressing them by name.  They were shocked I remembered them.  While were talking....they look behind me and say is that H?  They said it with a lot of shock.  He had been standing in the background for about 10 mins and didn't bother to talk to these "kids" he used to coach.  They saw him too but didn't recognize him at all.  Later on inside, h was standing beside S.  Someone H coached with walked up to S and said...hey...when is your Dad comiing?    S looked at him and said he is here.  Coach said yeah?  I didn't see him.  S pointed beside him and said he is standing right here.   Two feet apart and coach didn't recognize him.    Not only did they not recognize him, but he hung back and didn't attempt to socialize with them.   H was always outgoing.  The old H would have been off the porch greeting them and shaking hands.   It was a strange site to watch him not interact unless spoken to. 

I get this.  H looks really horrible.  H used to have a very neat appearance.  Short well manicured hair.  Neatly trimmed beard and trendy glasses when he wore them.   Now H has not cut his hair since October and it is naturally wavey and very unkempt.  Imagine grandpa munster style of hair.  Partly sliced back and part sticking straight out near the ears.   The goat is is not well trimmed and getting long and he has so much grey.  Not to mention his eyes don't twinkle.  He can't smile and he looks tired all the time.  Puffy features too even though he lost weight again.  H played it off well.



When I was getting ready to leave....H says I'll be over tomorrow to mow and weedwhip.   Told him ok.  I was doing some of the weeding by hand.  He got stern and said....you have to be patient with me.  I told you I would do it (yeah....2 weeks ago before visit to ow2).  I nicely said....I left most of it for you...I am only worrying about the area where the plants are and there is no way to use the trimmer without taking out my plants.  He immediatly calmed and said.  Ok.  I'll take care of the rest.  I am going to mow too.  I plan on doing all my mowing tomorrow.  I said ok...I can get my lawn done to save you some time.  He said...no...I am planning on doing it.

Keep in mind, that one of my control issues is to let H get things done that he wants to do on his own time....not my schedule.  It is not always easy, but when he says I got it, I let it go and don't attempt it.  Sometimes it takes day...other times it is weeks.  As long as there is not a deadline (like a bill), I let it go and say nothing.  Not a reminder or even a hint to get the stuff done. So there was no pressure from me to get anything done

The next day he shows up and week whips about half the yard.   He got the front that is most visible so I am happy.  I went inside while he was working.  He comes to the back door, takes one step inside and starts yelling to converse with me.  I am around the corner in another room.  I told him to come in and talk if he wants.  He did.  This is a recent development with him where he only takes 1 steps inside the back door.  Weird.

Anyhow, he comes in and actually sits down.  Starts off by asking me why people don't recognize him.  He said do I look that bad or is it just my hair.   I politely said that the kids he coached has a frozen image of him in their mind.  They have not seen him for 10 plus years so they remember the ways he used to look.  Neat and trim.  The goat and the long hair and the grey probably threw them off.

He then said....your mowing your own grass right?  I am gonna take off and go mow the other yards then I'll be back.  Said yes I'll mow it.  Then I get, if you don't want to, you don't have to.  I'll take care of it when I am done with the others or I'll come back tomorrow to get it.  Told him I had it, not to worry.

He leaves...I start to mow.  He comes back 2 hours later.  I have about 10 minutes left and he offered to finish.  I let him.  He walked around the yard and told me things he wanted to get done the next time he comes to weedwhip and then he said how tired he was and he was off.  He was beat because he played pb for 2 hours in the am before doing all the mowing (which is on a riding mower).

Bye!

Today I run into him at the voting poles.  He tells me he didn't play pb yesterday morning because he was too tired and couldn't get motivated to do anything.  He finally laid down for a nap after lunch and slept until 430.  Then he felt good so he went to play pb last night.  He thought he saw me driving around...then told him no...it wasn't me.  I was somewhere else.  Then off he went.  Maybe to play pb.  Maybe not.  He didn't know what he was feeling yet.   I can tell you he wasn't dressed to play pb.  Oh well.

He really is going all over the place.  Sometimes I feel like he is pushing me to say/do things.  Like with the lawn mowing.  He committing then backing out but then saying he can do it.   I am not going to argue.  He said for me to get it done...so I did.  I didn't throw it in his face that less than 24 hours ago, he told me something else.  I am just going with the flow.  This type of thing seems to happen more often....at least for now.

[UrsaMajor]

and the appropriate musical accompaniment

https://youtu.be/PGNiXGX2nLU?t=61

[JohnnyBravo]

I was thinking this…

https://youtu.be/Zcq_xLi2NGo as well…

[Schratz66]

Sam,
I get dizzy just reading your MLC shenanigans.....wow...spin and spin and spin and really like mine not committing to anything or anyone but they just cannot let us go either....bless your heart for your grace and kindness in dealing with him and still seeming to be so positive at the same time.
And all that for going on 5 years - crazy

[FaithWalker]

bless your heart for your grace and kindness in dealing with him and still seeming to be so positive at the same time.

I agree Sam!

[Sam I Am]

66 - So nice to hear from you!  Hope you are well!

He could make me dizzy too....if I jumped on his crazy MLC ride!  I refuse to do it.  I just sit back in my Lazy Boy and observe when I am able.  That is good enough for me.

I agree that he is not committing to anyone but himself right now.  Time will tell what he does. 

I am glad you can see positivity in my posts.  They are just my ramblings.  My way to remember because as time passes...things become a blurr.  Occassionally I look back at earlier posts and say WOW....I was broken then  Now I am repaired and happy and joyful to have the life that I have.  His loss!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faith:  I just read your post....you seem well!   Thank you for your kind words.  Truth is....I decided sometime ago that I was not going to let this break me.  I can show grace and kindness because everyone deserves that!

I can be positive because I still want to live life to the fullest!  I prefer to smile and laugh over frown and cry.

I find the positives in life because it fees so much better than the negatives.  It is all my choice and I choose joy and happiness vs wallowing in what I can't control!

I didn't get her all at one.  It took grit and determination.  Everyone has it in them!

[Sam I Am]

MLC Update:

He has been on a crazy spin the last few weeks.  There continues to be more contact but there is still no substance to it. 

Things he has said or done recently:

- Is finding reasons to get in touch, either via phone or in person then disappears the next day.  Rinse and repeat the last 2 weeks.  On one day....off the next!  This is a total turn around from last year when he started distancing.  He eventually got to the point where he was not in contact for at least 75% of the month or more and then it was only business.
-Sent a text on Memorial Day that he probably wouldn't be available to help with Pickleball but then told me he sat around and did nothing all day. 
- H agreed to help me get our 100 lb dog to the vet due to an injury.  I couldn't lift him myself.  Then he called to say he would take him and I didn't need to go and he would also pay for the vet visit since the dog is his too.  My jaw dropped on this!  Usually he wants reimburse half!
- I referred to my home as my house during a convo....he said to me....The House.
- Told me he was upset with DIL and didn't like the possibility that she was going to put him out.  Then said I mean put US out.  What she was doing had nothing to do with me.
- Is complaining about things to me, then saying that it is ok....he was glad to help out this time.
- Is asking me to reach out to my parents for him.  I decline.  I tell him to get in touch with them.
- Has told me he is tired of cutting grass for people.  Said he is done with all but his own grass after his parents are gone.  Would still do my parents until they are either gone or sell the property but that is all.  I know he is mowing at least 4 yards right now.  OW 1, OW 2's parents, his parents and my parents properties.  He occassionally stores his mower at the ow1 house. (I know this because my daughter has seen it there) Other times it is at my parents house.  He flips it back and forth.
- He came by to weed whip and mow.  I already had the mowing done so he weed whipped and then came in to the house.  He stayed in the kitchen near the back door but didn't enjoy chips and dip that I had out for myself.  I don't mind sharing.  He actually stayed about 30 mins.  Usually he gets the jitters after about 5 mins.


All this contact is still very weird after a year of very little contact.   I have learned to not volunteer info.  Most of the time he doesn't ask.   I don't ask questions and don't expect any answers.  He will sometimes tell me what he is up to.  He will share his work schedule or he will tell me what he did that day or where he was but that is little and far between.  Nothing near pre MLC normal when we could talk about anything.

I don't tell him anything about me.  If I do, he seems to get bored and change the topic back to him so why bother.

[FaithWalker]

MLC Update:
I don't tell him anything about me.  If I do, he seems to get bored and change the topic back to him so why bother.

I feel this on every level.  I think that might in the future be a good indication that they are coming out of their crisis.  When they actually seem interested in not talking about themselves and asking genuinely about our lives.

[Sam I Am]

FW:   I feel you are probably exactly right.  They are so intent on themselves that no one else matters much.  From things I have seen, it is not just us.  I have seen him switch topics with the kids also.  Imagine how others must see this too.

Even after nearly 5 years, it is hard to see a good man who could care less about others...especially the family that once lit him up.

[Sam I Am]

H has been by the house the last 4 days due to son being in town.  Some times he was near normal and other times he was not.

Thursday:  Stopped by in the evening after he got off work.  Didn't stay long.  Visited for about 30 mins then was off.  Just all of a sudden....I gotta get going and he left.

Friday:  We were having my parents over for supper to see son.  He stopped by after work again.  Stayed and talked.  We made plans for Saturday and then he was off again.

Saturday:  We spent most of the day together due to us helping son relocate.  He was driving the truck and trailer for us.  He was sort of in a good mood but was more reserved.  A bit on the serious side.  When we got to son's old residence, he turned very childish.  Teen like.  Stupid jokes that just were not funny.  He wanted to take control of the loading of the "stuff" to be moved.   He and daughter in law both wanted control and they both were at odds with each other.  Neither listened to the other and just did their own thing.  It caused delays but eventually it worked out.  Not without some frustration on their parts.  Not mine.  I just did what was needed to do to keep things moving and played with the dogs.  When we got home, he and son did some stuff that needed done for Sunday, then he hopped in the car and left without ever saying a word goodbye. 

Sunday:  He was much more jovial and near normal despite this trip being more stressful.  He joked and picked and had some fun with us.  The 3 of us worked together well and we got things delivered to the new home in a timely manner.  All went well.  On the way home, we were discussing supper plans.  H said he had grass to mow so I directed the balance of the convo to son.  Ultimately, we decided on grilling steaks and H decided to mow then join us.  Told us he needed enough time to mow 2 lawns....about 1.5 hours yet it took him 3 hours to return.  Guess there was an unspoken 3rd property that needed mowed.  When he returned he said the truck and mower both needed gas and that was his delay.   He must have used an eye dropped to fill up the mower gas tank.  He hung around for a bit.  Spent time on his phone for about an hours vs being involved with the family.  Suddenly he jumped up and said...time for me to go.  Said good bye to son.  Not even a hug for him.  Yelled good bye to daughter who was at the pool with grandson...didn't acknowledge grandson at all.  Gave grandbaby 3 a hug and a kiss.  Gave grandbaby 2 a kiss on top of the head and started to leave.  Then grandson that was ignored yelled for him and said....wait for me.  You didn't say good bye to me.  Made him wait until he got out of the pool and came up to the driveway.  Then GS wouldn't take a hug and kiss....only a good bye.  Then he was gone.  Totally ignored myself and son in law.  Oh well.  This is what I come to expect.

I look for H to disappear for a few day.  Next week we get another day together.  We have to pick up the leftovers that son isn't taking with him and get them to storage.  This trip will be just the two of us.  All will be well on my part.  I'll just sit back and observe.  Keep my mouth shut and not provide input when it is not needed.  Just roll with the punches while H and DIL duke it out for control!

[UrsaMajor]

[Sam I Am]

UM:   LoL   Yes they do tend to get very weird at times. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last few days I have taken time to ponder some things.  Reflect and look back.

Over the last few years, H has made a come around nearly every spring.

2018 he was around because OW 1 had moved.  He left in Mid July.  Would have left sooner but he had to figure out the logistics and was delayed by a few weeks.
2019 he came around in the Spring and helped with yard work.  Then he would slowly stop coming around as much and helping with the yard and the dogs unless asked
2020 same as 2019 only he was coming for breakfast with the family during covid when things were shut down.  Asked me to keep doing it but it fizzled out when I was able to start playing PB again on Sat and Sun mornings.
2021 started to come around while he was rehabbing.  Spent a lot of time at the house working in April and May.

In May he had a huge shut down.  I can pretty much pinpoint when it happened.  H was very near normal for several weeks.   The week before he went away to visit ow2 he was at the house when I came home from work.  Just sitting there.  Told him I was surprised to see him there.  He sat there and stared out at the yard, then got up and left.  He acted like he wanted to say something but I didn't prod.  It was at this point that he missed the family gathering for son's graduation.  We were to spend the week with him.  Instead...H ended up visiting ow2.

When he got back, he was  distant and continued to get more distant.  The worse times was from September 21 until March 22.  Hardly seen or heard from him during this time.  It was nothing for him to disappear for 2 to 3 weeks at a time.  He would then pop in and repeat this all again.

April 22 until now.....he is showing signs of coming by to be helpful.  He likes to mow the grass but doesn't always get to it so I mow it.  He usually shows up a day or 2 late.  The last time he sounded disappointed that he didn't get to cut the grass.

Based on history, I am sitting hear waiting to see when he will pull away again.   Usually late Spring, it starts to happen.  Time will tell!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Other things I have pondered:

Yesterday he showed up at my office.  I needed some pay stubs for financial reasons and he was finally getting them to me (only 6 weeks late).  While he was here:

1.  He asked about a new phone I got.   Told me and asked me why I didn't get a version that he was looking at.  I told him.  Also told him I didn't want a phone now, but mine face died and I wasn't gonna pay the deductible to have it fixed.

2.  He advised me that when I was traveling to the city that the one train station has limited runs on the weekend and I should be sure to check it out before making plans. 

3.  He was advising me on a project I am working on and giving me feedback on how he thinks it should be done.

I was polite on all these things.  I thanked him for his feedback and told him I would take it into consideration.

What is odd about all this is that he has not given advise or shared his opinion in so long unless I asked for feedback.  I quit asking and now he is volunteering.

He has occasionally called me by my nickname again.  Not often but now and then.  This he has done before....then he stops and goes formal again.

Time will tell if he will continue contact or if he will rinse and repeat and start to pull away and distance himself once again.  Time will tell.

Time to grab some popcorn and see how the show plays out!

[UrsaMajor]

We'll all be watching this space!

[MadLuv]

Sam- what a rollercoaster ride. Hard to eat popcorn 🍿 on all those twists and turns!! I will be following along……

[Schratz66]

Sam - your MLCer is truly a magnificent version that defies all logic..lol.....I have said it before and will say it again...I can only admire your patience and strength in which you have survived the last 5 years without losing your mind.....my MLC said the oddest thing the other day...it made no sense and was not connected to any conversation...he said...he always had and always will listen to me...........what the heck does that even mean..........and of course I had to reply that this is news to me ...lol....cray cray land for sure.

Have a wonderful summer with your kids and grandkids

[MadLuv]

Schratz-
My XH at one point said” I trust your opinion on everything , but men”
You can’t make it up’n

[Sam I Am]

Those  WTF does that mean moments can be hilarious!  Especially in hindsite!  At least we can get some chuckles out of all of this!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[Sam I Am]

For the last 2 weekends, H and I have spent time together while helping a family member move.  I have seen different things with him in the 3 days we were together.

1.  Near normal H
2.  Distant but friendly H
3.  Helpful H
4.  Volunteering but not following thru H
5.  Brain dead H.

The last one gave me pause.  Brain dead H.  This was the H I saw yesterday.  The group of us (4) would have convos which included H or at least in his presence.  Sometime later H would say something about the convo that we already had.

ex:  Talked about moving bushes because they were too big.  Told him where I thought they should go.  two hours later he looked up info on the bushes then says...."I think it would be to move them to X place...what do you think?".   It was like he never heard what I said early.

Another time we were talking about someone with covid....later he said to me....Oh....now I know what you were talking about earlier.

Lastly, my DIL lashed out at him and said WTF is wrong with you.  Do you have demetia or something?  We just talked about this and settled it.

I can't say it is brain fog like forgetting.....it seems more like distraction that keeps him from getting involved in the convos at the time they are happening and he revisits them later with his opinion that he didn't share earlier.

It reminds me of time immediately before BD.  I would discuss things with him and he would nod or confirm and then later he wouldn't know what I was talking about.  I hindsite I remembered he was on his phone....most likely texting OW1 so it didn't matter what I said or did....he was distracted.  That is what yesterday felt like again only he wasn't on his phone much....he was just sitting and looking out towards or playing with the dogs. 

Who knows....this was my observation?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some other things that H is showing on a regular basis...at least for now:

1.  He doesn't like to come into the house when I am there.  He is content to stand in the doorway on the step just outside the house.  I even said, it is ok to come in...his response....That's ok...I am comfortable here.

2.  He can't come by or make contact without a reason.  Ex:  Saturday I had seen him at PB.  A few hours later he showed up to find a coat that S wanted.  In the past, he would have had S contact me or he would have sent a text that said S needs this...please pull it out for tomorrow.  So he showed up, then stood outside talking.  Then he says, I'll be back after work to hook up the trailer.   

He could have combined the two trips and just hooked up then or came by later to get the coat and hook up the trailer.  I know it felt strange to me when he was there.....who knows what he was feeling or thinking.  Definately was not efficient to come back twice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things he shared with me recently:

He gets very tired while driving.  He says it is because he gets up and then does PB and does things right up until the time he goes to work.  He gets sleepy driving at work because it is the first he relaxed since waking up.    This is very scary to me.  This is the not first time he told me he struggled to stay awake while driving.  However, he has to choose between relaxing or running all over to take care of 4 households.  This is all his choice except for helping with his parents. 

He told me he struggles to sleep well at night most nights.  Says his knee and back pain is due to a bed that is too small since he is so tall.  He only sleeps well 1 or 2 nights a week and that is usually due to him taking a tylenol pm.  Sucks to be him.  I am very comfy in my bed which was purchased for him to meet his size.  Suck it up buttercup.  This is what you chose!

He restated that he is happy to help with the dogs on the days he works but he doesn't want to commit to anything on his off days.  All I said is I get it and respect that.  I still do my best to not ask him or his sister to help.  However, I won't let the dogs suffer either.  AFTER all, he is back to calling them OUR dogs....not the dogs.  Never know how long this will last.   

[FaithWalker]

I bet it his hard to see him with all those different personalities (or lack of in some cases). 

[Sam I Am]

Hi Faith...hope you are well.

Is it hard to see him going through the different personalities?   No.  Not really at all.   There are several reasons that jump out at me.

1.  I grew up with a bi-polar parent and saw different personas emerge all the time.  Happy.  Sad.  Angry.  Compassionate.  Distant.  Crazy.  I saw the highs and lows and the manic swings and learned to read what was coming based on facial expressions.

H doesn't have the facial expression but seeing the different ways he acts is not much different than what I knew from childhood.  It is just a different person doing it.

2.  Being an MLC vetern now (I think I can say that being close to 5 years in), I have educated myself enough to know that there is no real H right now.  What I am seeing is him adjusting to the situation he is in.  Even when it is not appropriate to those around.  He is being reactionary most of the time.    I say this because I have also seen a juvinile H pop up to.  That H is very teenage like.  Bad jokes or comments and/or stands in the background which reminds me of someone with low self esteem just trying to melt into the wall and not be seen

3.  Detachment helps of course.  I accept that this is no longer the man I knew and loved.  I don't know if I will ever fully love him again but he is still the father of our children and we are forever entwined.  I learned to just watch....observe and make no comments or eye rolls out loud when in his company.  These are the times when I envision him inside a snow globe that was shook up and I am the one outside looking in. 

[Sam I Am]

The craziness continues.

H made plans to come to my house last night to unload the trailer and put things away.  Per the convo from the prior day, he was going to have his sister and nephew all come to my house to get what they were taking from the trailer.  That is not what happened.

I show up at home, H had the trailer ready to be unloaded.  No sister or nephew to help.  So we unloaded what was staying with me.  Next I am told that he plans on taking the trailer to nephews.  Actual words...."I was planning on us taking the trailer to N, then we will drop it off at your parents (aka my parents house), then we will return to the house (my house) to pick up the stuff for D.  Then we are gonna take that out to D in the back of the truck."

So I considered and figured why not.  That mouse in H's pockets is speaking for both of us again.   LOL.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While on our little adventure, H shared some stuff.  Nothing major, but he shared.

1.  He is looking to buy a car.  Waiting for the dealership to let him know when he can go see it.  He wants something that is affordable in case he gets a job where he is laid off part of the year.  He is budgeting based on that income.

2.  He is job searching again.  Yet not really job searching.  He was counting on an union job but never got called for it.  He knows he doesn't want to stay where he is now, but hasn't applied for anything else yet either.  He is looking but says no openings right now.  He was going to go to one trucking company but decided against it.  He is talking another trucking company but most of their work is 3rd into 1st shift and that doesn't make him happy either.  So for now he is staying put until the right thing comes along.

3.  He informed me he went to the The House at about 1 pm.  There was yard work that needed done.  He doesn't expect me to be able to do it all by myself so he showed up to do things.  He informed me that some stuff bothers him and I don't know about all the little things that bother and irritate him so he shows up to do some of the yard work.  Follow that up with I can't always help but I will when I can. 

4.  I got home at 4:30 and he said he didn't expect me until 5.  They were my old office hours.  Things changed during covid and never changed back.  I have been closing the office at 4 for over 2 years now.   He forgot all about it or he is presently living in a different era.  Who knows.

5.  When I got home, he was rummaging through the basement looking for his swimsuit.  He was hot and sweaty and wanted to go swimming.  He ended up not going because I got home earlier than expected.  Told me to make sure I kept his suit where he can easily find it in the future.  Oh brother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One more thing...I have noticed that H is hot and cold when it comes to the oldest grandson.  Grandson was just over 1 at BD.  He visited us on a regular basis and visits with him was one of the first things that fell off.

Sometimes he speaks highly of him and others times he says really odd things.  Like that kids is spoiled or he bawls for attention or he is a bad influence on the younger kids.  He is quick to pick up and cuddle with the younger two and less with the oldest.  He is 5.

It is sad but I am starting to see the oldest shy away from him too. 

Ex:  Last night when we were leaving.  I asked all GK to give us hugs and kisses since we were leaving.  Oldest came to me first then I said go get your GF.  GS turned to go and H calls out....no...he doesn't want to give me hugs and kisses and it was not said in a nice manner.  I looked at GS and he said...No I don't and he turned and went back to playing.   In hindsite, I think this was projection but I don't know why.

I have seen him reject this GS before and have never understood how or why.  It was our first grandchild and he has a special place in my heart.  I know H is a different person but he really did used to love to be with and cuddle him.  No he keeps him at arms length.  Sad.

[FaithWalker]

Very sad, Sam.  Awww.   

[MadLuv]

Heartbreaking. The disconnect of kids and the Gk’s is what I struggle with the most. That one moment will be hard to reverse for your GS. What a loss

[Sam I Am]

The switch was flipped.  Just that suddenly he disappeared.  Contact has been very minimal and very sparce if any at all in the last few days.

Fri:  He called to tell me about car shopping.  At the end of the convo he said ....Well I'll talk to you soon...gotta go.   This has been the kiss of death for the last few year.  I don't know why.  When he intends to call back he says I'll call you later or just says nothing.  Every time he says I'll be in touch soon, he goes deep and dark for awhile.

I can honestly say the last 2 weeks were nice to be able to show him me.  He was exposed to me more and he gave his tid bits about himself at times.  I never expected it to last.  I knew it couldn't last because he still was not himself.  It's all ok. 

Sat:  no convo just some videos sent via IG to D and myself jointly.  He knew the grandkids were coming over and helped me prep the pool for them the week before, but he was a no show to see them either Friday night or Saturday before work. 

Sun:  I sent him a simple Happy FD text and got a Thank you back.

I could see changes in him leading up to this pull back.  I saw less eye contact.  I saw less humor.  I saw and felt things that brough on de ja vu.  It took me back to last Apr/May when he came close.  Did a lot around the house and was proud of it.  I saw near normal H emerge, then I saw him drift away again...hard and fast.  This is what I felt this time too.  It was so familiar to last year.

Who knows how long he will stay dark this time.  It could be days, weeks or months again.  He will deal with it and come out of it when he is ready.

In the meantime, I will continue to do me. 

I am still healing and dealing from the knee surgery.
I am back to playing a non aggressive game of PB.  (H is missing a lot of PB too.   He told me there are days he is achy or just doesn't feel up to playing.  Usually he blames it on a pain)
I have vacation coming up soon.
I have to hire a new employee and train a temp to help out in the meantime.
I have time with the grandkids.

I have so much and it is awesome.  Sometimes too much, but that is my choice.

[Schratz66]

I have always said it and I will say it again Sam.....you are the strongest woman I know......your MLC is a special kind and the way you just go with the flow without losing your mind is just awe inspiring to me. It seems you are truly able to detach and just watch and see what crazy stuff he is up to next......of course my heart is breaking for the grandkids ...but dang you girl,....how do you do it No bitterness, no overthinking, no expectations.....you are the poster child of remaining calm and collected.

I hope you have a wonderful vacation

[Sam I Am]

66....you are so sweet but I don't think I am the strongest.   Not one iota. 

However I do believe we all become stronger a little at a time and do what we need to do to survive!  That includes you!  I have seen how much you have grown over the years.  Your strength is shining through in your posts and I am in awe of you!

As for H....yes he is special for sure.   LOL! 

Detaching comes and goes.  Definately more detached now and I feel like I get more detached each time he pulls some of his shennanigans.  Sadly it gets easier and easier to roll my eyes and shake my head!  Who would have thought I would be closing in on 5 years of this crap....

I don't have bitterness....I guess I have more empathy than bitterness.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever fully faced things.  I just seem to be able to accept more of the MLC crap that comes.  Accepting it is mostly due to those that have shared stories.  I feel less alone through all this.  Others make the abnormal seem normal which is very helpful.  I think that is one reason I keep coming back.  I hope that anything I may share may help some newbie in the future when they need hope.  Help them to see that they are not alone that others have gone through the same things and come out of it better than going in.

Expectations and overthinking....tough one.  Yes...they try to pop up.  I have to tell myself not to have them.  To me a lot of surviving the MLC is mind over matter.  Changing our mindset from Oh Whoas me to I am gonna survive then I will thrive and kick MLC butt.  Watch me. 

We have to want happiness more than wallowing!  It is all up to us!

66 - You are a strong woman too and don't you ever not believe it!  You have survived 5 years and your going strong.....you got this!

[Sam I Am]

Here is my latest year over year update for June:

2017:  Unknown to me, the affair started about this time.  I knew there were some oddities with H.  He was coming by the office less but it was also nice and warm and he was telling me he was riding MC.  Sometimes alone.  Sometimes with others.   I believed him.  I had no reason to not believe him.  Son was home for a period of time but was getting ready to move across the country to start to school.  H  mentioned several times he was loosing his buddy and I just reminded him it was only temporary.  We would visit and create new adventures.  Little did I know this was part of taking him off the MLC cliff.

2018:  H was living at home but had already told me he intended to leave ASAP to move to another State of OW.  We went on vacation earlier in the month to visit son and he was awesome.  Very nice and very giving of his money.  Paying for things he didn't have to pay for.  Looking back, I think this is when he decided to go be with the OW again and it was probably quilt driving.  In Oct of 17 when we visited son, he also made the decision that week to leave me and did so 3 weeks later.  This time he tried to leave 3 weeks later but was not able to do so.  He didn't have all his financial ducks in a row so it was delayed until middle of July. 

While planning this leave, he told me was going to take money out of the retirement account so he could buy a big a$$ trailer to take all his belongings with him.  It would have required a 3/4 ton truck to pull it.  When he told me this, I said ok....what are you going to pull it with?   He looked at me.  I walked away.  He never did get the trailer.  He ended renting a u haul somehow and towing his car.

He also told me he was going to take his retirement money so he had  something to live off of until he found a job.  I told him fine....but how am I to pay the household bills...like the mortgage, car payments, insurance ,etc....the joint debt we had that we were trying to clear.   I gave him the spreadsheets to look at.  He never touched that money.   He went with no job and came home a few months later with no job and no money.

2019:  I don't remember much from this year so it must have been pretty uneventful.  I know he was in contact more.  We were seeing each other semi regularly via pickleball and he would refer to me as his wife there.  Not anywhere else though.  LOL.

2020:  We were all dealing with COVID crap of course.  H was showing up for family gatherings.  Enjoying them.  Playing pickleball with a newly formed group of friends on a regular basis.  Nothing substantial.

2021:  H had an injury in Feb.  Then was sequestered due to it for about 2 mos.  When he was up and moving he was spending time at the house doing things.  There was about 2 mos of near normal behavior.  In May, he fell away and he kept getting more and more distant.  It was very gradual but each month he called less, visited less, reached out less and less and this continued for many months to come.

2022:  He had started coming around in April after the drought started last year.  Earlier this month there was still some contact and then BAM.  He jumped off a ledge again and he has not had any contact in any form for 7 days now.  This is the longest he has gone in many months but not the longest he has ever gone.  Now it becomes a challenge that I will NOT reach out to him.  Not a challenge that I have to fight myself off from doing it.  More like I got this and he knows where I am and I am not going to be the one that breaks the silence.  He has to do it when he is ready.  I see it as a challenge that I will win.  I guess it is just my competitive nature and I don't like to loose!  Time will tell what happens. 

[Treasur]

It’s remarkable how slowly ‘MLC time’ works, isn’t it? Maybe LBS time too for a while 

I have often felt that I lost about 5 years of my life to a kind of WTF vacuum. To be fair, I wasn’t as good as you Sam about just pressing on with life regardless. And PTSD ate my memory of large chunks of that time which may be a blessing. Although I do sometimes feel a bit cross with myself about that not so constructive time, at all the other things I might have done with it, at why I couldn’t do better than I did. Sigh. But my oh my, it’s a good reminder to all of us that time and life presses on anyway and that’s a good reason to GAL in and of itself 

[Sam I Am]

Treasur:

I am so sorry to hear about your ptsd and other mlc fallout you have faced.  It sux donkey dxxxs  I remember reading your stories when I was a newbie.  You were one of the ones that I felt was so strong and despite all you were still living life.   You had ups and downs but you were also so supportive of others.   

I have not kept up on many stories.  Yours included I am sorry to say.  Last I remember you were moving to a cottage/home on the coast and it sounded marvelous to me!  That was many years ago.

Yes...I am pressing on with life.  My daughter and I just had a convo at lunch time.  We were taling about how my 80 year old father was wrestling around at the country store the other day and picking on several boys there.  D's comment was Your Dad will never grow up.

I told her.  I hope he doesn't.  Like him...I want to live a fun happy life.  Despite the cards dealt to each of us, we are finding ways to find joy and fun.  To me it is a choice.

I still remember the day I was leaving my therapists and just bawling.  She said it is ok.  I told her no it is not.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile and laugh.   I believe this was a turning point in my healing.  No matter what....I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life each and everyday!

I wish this for every LBS.  I hope we all find a way to find joy and fun in whatever life it is we have!

I also remember that no matter how bad I may have it, when I look around, someone is worse off.  Things could always be far worse!


Thanks for sharing T and I wish you nothing but joy and happiness in your life.  Go find it for yourself!

[Sam I Am]

H has come out of the dry spell of NC and started to reach out again.  He is flopping around like a fish out of water.  7 days when he was quiet with no communications then for the last 2 weeks he would reach out one day and be quiet the next.  For the last 3 days he has actually visited.  I expect another pull back is just around the corner.  I am ok with it.  This is the new normal it seems.

Sunday he came to see the grandkids and for the first time in a long time he acted like their grandfather.  He was loving and caring and played in the pool with them.  Treated them all well.  Including the oldest that he usually shows distain for.

Monday he showed up a PB session he usually doesn't attend.  We played together a lot.  One game I played with someone else and he was snarky about it.

Today he had to drop off some money for my Dad.  In the past year, he would drop things off at the house when I was not there.  This time he called to see what office I was working in and actually came into the office to bring me the money vs totally avoiding me.  He didn't hang around but it was nice he came to the office again.

H doesn't share much but he did tell me he was applying for another job but didn't think he would take it.  He was actually starting to enjoy his current job and the benefits it has to offer...like the ability to play PB more often.

He is a bit softer and more near normal right now.  Hoping this version of him starts to stick around longer and longer but also prepared for him to run hard and fast too!

[Schratz66]

Your need to laugh and enjoy life and be happy and your fierceness in going after that makes you so amazing Sam. Like Treasure I seemed to have been lost in a Vacuum for many years and only the last year or so am I wanting to be happy and free of drama and confusion.

You truly are what Newbies should follow if they can.

Keep it going SAM !!!

[Dragonfly33]

Sam nice to hear an update from you. For me it’s been three years since BD so I guess that was not a long time ago yet. Now, I don’t think I am standing anymore. That doesn’t mean that I am ready to be in a relationship but it just means that I don’t think I can accept my H after all the affairs. And I am curious about you. I’ve read bits of your thread also the summary in your profile. Are you and your H divorced already? Is your H still with the Ow? Are you still standing and do you still have hopes that one day he will come back to you as your H. How do you deal with all of these? Can you still accept him if ever he comes back to you?

I just have to ask these questions because I want to see the reasons for those who are still standing. I don’t have any judgment at all. I just want to see if there’s something I didn’t see in my situation. Thanks Sam

[Sam I Am]

Dragonfly:  Ask away with your questions.  I'll answer based on how I feel and I don't think you are judgmental at all.  We are all moving forward in our different ways.  We all heal in different ways and at different times and we all have different outcomes.  Looking and pondering is always good!

Standing or not...I respect that you are making the decisions that are best for you at this time. 

1.  We are not divorced.  In the first month, he was pushing the divorce.  That lasted from Oct of 17 to July of 18.  He went to see an attorney and was told that if we divorced I would loose health insurance so he decided we were not getting divorced.  He actually teared up when he sat in the living room  and said  "I won't do that to you.  You deserve to have health insurance".  Later before he moved to be with OW, he informed me that he told her he was never going to marry her.  In fact he was never going to get married again to anyone else.

2.  Is H with OW?  Yes but I don't know in what capacity.  There has been some movement in this front and I'll update in my next post.  Which I hope to complete today.

3.  Am I standing to get him back?     I am standing for me.  I have no desire to date anyone at this time.  I know there is still healing to be done.  I am standing in hopes that he heals.  I have seen things.  I have read about MLC.  I do believe he is not in his "right mind" to be making decisions.  If he comes out of this and decides a marriage to me is not in the future, then we can work through it then.  No matter what, I love him enough to want to see him healed and I believe that as an LBS, I can support his healing while he does the work.  I want that for him. 

As for wanting him back....I don't know.  I can't answer that.  The man he is now and has been for the last 5 years...I don't want him back.  The man he could become....I don't know that man so I can't say.

I believe the script that says there is potential and I am open to that, yet there are hurts that I will have to deal with and learn to accept and to grow from.  That is all on me.  Not him.  I will have to come to terms with things as I progress through this process just as he will have to do the same. 

Short answer....I have not shut any doors but I am not letting him block my path either. 

4.  How do I deal with things?   One at a time.  When I am triggered, I sit with it.  I figure it out.  I face it.  I don't run from it.  I have several really close LBS friends who are both supportive and listen but will also give me their thoughts from a different perspective.  Helps me to look at it without the emotional anchor that could suck me down if I let it.

How will I deal with it in the future.  Same way.  I just don't have answers yet as to how it will affect my relationship with H.  Will there be a marriage or will we part friends or enemies....I don't know.  Not there yet. I do know that I will face it head on and not run from it.

5.  Can I accept him and the things he has done?  I don't know.  I know I need to forgive and that is for me.  I read an awesome book that helps with that.  It is called Love like you have never been hurt.  Highly recommend it...no matter what path you choose!  It is good for all aspects in your life where you are called to forgive.

Anyhow....that is part of the future that I don't know yet.  I know I can't and won't worry about it.  I am living today and making the best of today.  I know the future will take care of itself and I'll be okay no matter what!

D-Fly....I wish you the best.  Some wise words that I take to heart....unless you are 100% sure....do nothing.  Just roll with it until you are 100% sure.

[Sam I Am]

66 -

only the last year or so am I wanting to be happy and free of drama and confusion.

Better late than never.  Keep searching for that happiness.  It is awesome to get to that place!

You are gonna be ok no matter what!  I see you growing and love what I am seeing!  Keep doing what is best for you!  Your awesome and deserve to be happy!

[Sam I Am]

MLC Update Part 1:

H is in a cycle that I have read about with others.  (Note cycle not stage...I am not stage watching). 

The cycle is come close. 
Have a nice encounter with someone.  (kids, grandkids, self, etc)
He becomes very quiet and NC for a few days.

Rinse and repeat.

I can actually see him come out.  Hit a high point and then retreat a few days later.

-His communication starts to gradually increase for a time.  Increase in texts, increase in shared videos, etc
-He makes more contact and/or actually visits and is involved.  Comes off as near normal.  Is fun to be around.
-His contact slowly decreases or comes to an abrupt halt for 2 to 3 days.  Big one is that tik toks get really weird during this time.  The ones he shares make no sense or have a sick sense of humor.
Then repeat it all over again.

I just sit back and watch the show!

[Sam I Am]

MLC Update Part 2:

D-Fly asked about this earlier.   The OW.  What is up with them?

Here is the update as best as I know....

There is movement! 

OW1 - H's car was spotted at ow1 house by a friend.  Unknown why he was there or what their relationship is.  Has not been spotted there for some time.  I suspect there has been ongoing contact but he no longer lives with her or appears to spend any amount of time with her.   He has shared that his day is wake up, go to PB, go home and get ready for work, go to work, go home.  On his off days, he spends one of them mowing....who knows what he does with the other day.  Could be OW time....could be his time.  Just don't know and I can't monkey brain at all.   

However, a weird things happened recently.  I came to work....forgot my keys and headed home to get the office keys.  On my way, I passed a lady walking 2 dogs near the trail walk.    Thought nothing of it.  On my way back to the office, the same lady is at the end of the block by my office.  I look at her and realize it is OW1 and she has walked past my office.  As soon as she saw me....she looked down and started to fuss with her dogs.

Me...my head is WTF is she doing here?  I know she walks the same nature trail as me.  I have seen her exiting it when I go to work.  This is different....she walked past my office.  My office is NOT on a main street.  It is only ONE block long and not a place where you normally walk.  This happened about a week after h's car was spotted at her house.  All I know is that it felt odd.  Weird.  Like why after 5 years is she popping up near my office when there are so many more places to walk.

My brain could have went in so many directions.  I did think about it for a tad.  Those WTF thoughts...then I let it go.  Weird is all I can say.  Really weird.  She knows she was caught based on her response of seeing me then looking down to avoid me.  Now it is funny when I think about it.   

OW2- He was spending time visiting her out of State every few months.  Recently I was on IG and noticed that she was no longer following H or SIL on IG.  My mind went Hmmmm and left it at that.  I don't fully understand IG so it was just a hmmm moment.   They were still following her so...it is what it is.

A few days later I had a strong urge to check FB for OW2.  So I did.....her FB was gone.  I had a friend check....there was a FB page there for her.  OW2 has suddenly blocked me after years.  She was the one that invited me to be a friend years ago...about the same time H went into MLC.  Little did I know their paths would cross and their would be involvement. 

Anyhow, OW2 suddenly blocked me.  Ok...whatever.  So I decide to revisit IG.  I am not blocked there but her IG is private so I can't see anything she posts.  Next I look at H and SIL's IG.  They are no longer following her.  Since I am not blocked, I could see if they were friends.  They are no longer friends.  Neither is following each other anymore.  Hmmmm.

This weekend, we are at PB.....H pulls out a paddle that he allowed OW2 to use.  This paddle has not been seen for sometime.  I was in his PB bag in April to grab a paddle...it was not there then.  Now that paddle is back and he pulled it out for DIL to use.   Hmmmm.

I can hope that relationship has fizzled....truth is....I don't know.  Only time will tell.

I can hope that OW1 relationship is also fizzling out.....here again....only time will tell. 

Even if they both do fizzle....if he is not ready to face things....then their could be other OWs.   That is sad to think about, but it is a cold hard reality when they are in MLC.   Time will tell.

Until then...sit back and watch the show!  Watch...don't participate. 

[Sam I Am]

Some things I have witnessed recently:

1.  DIL came for a visit and we all went out for lunch.  I asked to take a picture.  I did and neither smiled.  Asked them both to smile.  H's lips barely moved.  I took the pic and said smile please.  He said I am smiling.  I did this.....he tried to smile....he literally could not smile.   I showed him the pic....his reply was what does it matter.

2.  After swimming with the kids, I was getting ice cream cones out for the kids.  I buy mini cones because there is less waste.  About 2 weeks ago, H was swimming with them and eating ice cream too.  Same ice cream.  When I got them out this time, he said "Cute cones.  I never saw them before"

3.  H and I were talking about a pickleball session.  He told me it was too hot to play.  I told him I was playing at 630.  A bit later it was changed to 6 pm and I told him that I was gonna play at 6 pm.   He responded...maybe I'll show up.  Before leaving, he said to me....6:30 at the courts?  I said...no....6 pm.  At 6, I get a text....is pb still on for 6:30.  I told him again it was 6 pm but storming and we were waiting to see what happened with the weather. 

The ability to forget is horrible.  I remember seeing this prior to bomb drop.  Then I wrote it off as him just not paying attention.  Now, I know it is the depression memory issues because we actually had convos....it was not just me telling him something. 

So sad!   

[Dragonfly33]

Sam Thank you for answering my questions honestly. I’m amazed how you handle things between your H. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he’s done or even accept him back. Maybe I will just forget the pain and move on with my life. My H also filed for D, this is his second attempt. I’m not going to not agree with it, I will sign it once we get an agreement. And hopefully then, all this BS with MLC will be behind me. I am aware they are not normal but they are also aware of what they’re doing and that is hard for me to empathize. I don’t know if my H will ever heal, or if he needs healing at all. Maybe he healed already and found his happiness finally. That’s his life now, I just need to focus on mine and try to tie all loose ends this time. 

[Sam I Am]

I just need to focus on mine and try to tie all loose ends this time.

This is exactly what an LBS has to do.  Focus on yourself.  What do you want?  What do you like?  What makes your happy?  Most importantly...What is in your best interest?

Do you have any self care?  Things you do for yourself just for your own enjoyment? It can be anything and it doesn't have to be expensive.  I love pickleball and nature walks now that I can do both again.  I also enjoy massages but they get pricey so they are limited and used as a special treat!  In bad weather, I'll binge watch shows I tape during the summer when I am not watching TV due to being able to be outside doing things.

Find all those things and try to do something for yourself every day!  I have a gal pal that likes to lay on the floor and meditate.  Would love to try this but my dogs lick my face so it is not relaxing to me.  Find your niche!

D Fly....you will figure this out.  My advise is don't run from the triggers...figure out what healing you still need to do and do it for you!   You got this!  Here if you ever need anything!  ~Sam

[Sam I Am]

Today is our 38th Wedding Anniversary.  I have spent the last 5 alone and it no longer hurts. 

2022:  He didn't recognize it again.  He called D first thing this am and wished GD a happy birthday and wanted to know their plans.  This is a plus.  She told him  and said we are eating breakfast...can I call you back.  She reported he sounded disappointed because D and GD went out without him at one of the restaurants he likes.  Him reaching out is a move forward. 

Later she called to invite him to lunch and he declined.  Said he was just sitting at home watching TV.  he answered so at least he was not with ow1.  that is a positive.

D decided to stir the pot.  She sent a group text to all of us wishing us a Happy Anniversary.  He totally ignored it and sent her a picture of corn he picked up for her.  I did a thumbs up and just kept going onto the next texts in the string.

2021:  No recognition of Anniversary but we did see each other when we got together for GD.  He was amicable.

2020:  Same as 2021.  Must friendlier this year and in 2021 and 2019

2019:  GD first b day.  He showed and followed me around.  Sat near me and chatted but he looked really uncomfortable now when I think back.  He could have sat with his family and totally ignored me but he stayed near me.  Really weird looking back at it.  Not a mention of anniversary. 

2018:  He missed the birth of GD because he was off living with OW1 in another state and didn't or couldn't come back.  three weeks later he was back and living with his parents.  I will always treasure being able to hold both GC1 and GC 2 within hours of being born.  Due to covid, that didn't happen with GC3...it was days.  Of course no mention of anniversary since he was off living with OW

2017:  Looking back,  he was distant.  He was gone.  He was up early and out of bed and wasn't close that day.  Hindsite...now I know why.  He was already checking out. Affair had started months ago.  Limerance was gaining momentum.

2016:  All was fine.  Nothing notable.

2015:  Our 30th Anniversary.  We both teased each other that we could stay in the marriage or check out now.  It was a joke that at 30...it was the last time to back out...after that you were a lifer.   We were happy.  All was well.  At the end of the day, we both agreed we were lifers.  Little did I know....

[Sam I Am]

It's been a lil over a month since my last update and we are back to the NOT A LOT is happening mode.

OW2 - still no signs of her.  She is a teacher and back to school now.  In the past, he would take long weekends and go and visit over the summer.  That has not happened this summer.  Last time he went to the shore to visit her was the end of May.  No disappearing acts the rest of this summer and H and his family is still not social media friends like they were before.  The connections between them all seemed to drop off about the same time she blocked me suddenly.

OW1 - to me it seems like they are developing a stronger bond again.  His vehicle continues to be seen there on a regular basis.  Why....I don't know.  I could let me imagination run wild but I can't do that or bad things happen with me.  I refuse to let myself visit there.  It is not easy.  It is a fight within myself. 

I know they say OP's ultimately end up being nothing...but that nothing hurts when I think about her getting the love and attention of MLC H.  It hurts if I let myself thing that he is choosing her over me and worse that he chooses her over his kids and grandkids.  He misses time with them to be with her.  OUCH!

H continues to bounce in and out of my life.  Sometimes he seems so near normal and other times he just seems like a shell of a man who is just going through motions.

He pops in and then disappears for a few days to a week.  Then pops back again.  He is communicating more but only slightly more than he has for the past few months. 

He will pop in and do acts of service like mow my lawn or weed whack but then disappear again.  There is no consistency.  it is just hit or miss when he feels like it.

He will pop in and do family things and then at other times he has excuses for not wanting to join in family activities.

He is being more free with is money and offering to pay part of the gifts for the kids and grandkids.  He had done this in years past, then he went through a time of just doing his own thing and now he is back to volunteering.  Even after the fact saying how much do I owe you for a gift or what do you plan on doing?

He still does not reach out without an excuse.  Lately he has called to touch base about when and where I am playing pickleball.  Especially if he doesn't see me on the play sites. 

I know these things mean nothing.  I don't hang hopes on his actions because:

1.  there is no consistency
2.  there is no desire from him to want to be in a relationship with me or even with many members of the family right now
3.  Pickleball still seems to be a link yet when we are at the courts, he sometimes acts like I don't exist yet I see him watching me out of the corner of his eye.
4.  He is back to dropping hints like he had done in early MLC.  Baiting or testing to see how I will react?
5.  He is sloppy when doing some things around the house.  Leaving tools out, now mowing strips of grass, skipping weed whacking so some of the stuff has to be manually cut since my whacker is not working or leaving clippings.  Things that used to drive him nuts, he is leaving there then bringing it to my attention days later when I say nothing about it.  I feel like this could possibly be him goading me on for a reaction and I refuse to give it


Me....I'll admit there are some things that trigger me occasionally.  I have to be on guard to take control of my thoughts so they don't run away.  It is easy most of the time.  i have a few LBS friends who are great at helping me figure out what is happening and helping me look at the triggers in a constructive way so that I can face them head on.

99% of the time I just live my life the way I want to live it.  I think of him but I am no longer obsessed with him.  Somethings bug me but I have to learn to let them go for my own peace and quiet.

I still just observe.  I see what is in front of me and make mental notes and just keep on going.  I don't see each of his contacts the way I did at the beginning.  I no longer think This is IT.  He is coming home.  Now it is more of....Oh well, he is at it again.   Not the first...won't be the last.   Next please!  LOL

[rosetintedglasses]

Great update Sam.

I wonder if he has light coming in to his tunnel like he had at the beginning. Just a little. Occasionally.

I hope so,
Such a big deal missing the birth of his grandchild because of OW. I remember it and it felt ridiculous. Now looking back, yes it was ridiculous. Good to know we were thinking straight back then, I thought we were!

When they say this takes a long time, they mean it.
Thanks for posting
Rose 🌹

[Sam I Am]

Hey Rose!  Hope all is well with you!

As for a light....no...I don't think so.  I do see him doing more weird things.  Cycling maybe in his own unique way?

Who know...I just keep watching to see to see how it plays out but I am getting tired of watching nothing.  It's like watching the news and it just seems to be only about bad stuff at times.

[Sam I Am]

So over the last few weeks, H has popped up and it has been interesting to say the least.

After a period of a drought, he popped up with some phone calls.  Long phone calls.  Nearly daily and only when he was working.   This is what he did during early replay after bomb drop. 

He still has a lot of rambling but he always has a reason for calling before the rambling starts.

Some things he has done that he done that are out of the normal for him lately.

* He offered for me to ride with him to pickleball one evening and then volunteered to go out for dinner afterwards.
*He showed up to the house unannounced.  I was moving furniture with the help of SIL and asked for help.  He did but when it came time to move a dresser in the bedroom he acted like he couldn't go in.  He hung back until SIL shamed him into helping and then he couldn't get out fast enough.
* On the same occasion, as soon as we were done, he walked outside and stood in the rain in the driveway and said....well, I think I am gonna go for a ride.  I don't know what else to do today.
*He has called and had LONG convos.  Mostly him telling me things but all have been 20 plus minutes vs 1-2 min calls or just texting.
*He is starting to mimic some of my actions.  Saying thank you for this or that.  Saying he appreciates this or that.  It is weird to hear it coming from him.
*When I was down with covid, he called twice to see how I was doing.  I was floored.

I don't expect to hear from him for awhile.  Last night he inadvertantly dropped some info that he didn't want me to know.  I kept my mouth shut and didn't say a word about it but he had to do some back peddling.

Over the last few weeks, i suspected he moved back in with OW1 again.  His car has been spotted there more often than in the past and some facebook posts show the two of them together at a social function.  I have no proof...just my gut.
Yesterday in a convo he mentioned he was helping his sister to get a vehicle towed.  He told the tow truck driver it was gonna be tricky to get the vehicle out of the shed due to the trees and twists in the driveway.  He finished his story and I asked how the driver made out.  He responded....I don't know.  I left to go home to get ready for work.   We both paused...I said nothing and he stammered and said...you know...I went inside to take a shower and get my work clothes on.  That is is what I meant. 

Yeah ok buddy is all I am thinking.  If he said I left to get ready...Ok...I buy your story.  He specifically said I left to go home to get ready for work.   Why would you leave to go home from the place you already claim to be living in? 

I still have no proof that he is living with OW1 and I am not going looking but this smells fishy to me.  Crazy MLCers. 

As for me....I am still doing well.  Still playing PB.  I survived covid with nothing more than a head cold and a sinus infection.  I still don't have full taste and smell but I feel it slowly coming back. 

Things at the office are looking up.  I hired a new employee who I look forward to working with when she starts in December.  Some pain the in butt employees are quitting and I am downsizing to one office which will make life so much better in the long run!  I am so excited for the changes to take place over the next few months. 

[FaithWalker]

Catching up almost a month later Sam.  Definitely what he said would lead one to believe that he is living elsewhere.  Big slip up on his part.  MLCers and their stupid secrets.   

[Schratz66]

Still hanging with you Sam and still admiring your attitude and strength...keep going

[MadLuv]

How interesting that his communication seems to have gone back to more early post BD. Maybe some cycling on thinking on what he is doing? Uncertainty and you are the safe place

[Sam I Am]

Yikes....I lost track of time.   Oops.  Guess I have been too busy living to remember to get on here and update.

For the most part...the last 1.5 mos have been a lot of the same ole same ole.  He contacts then disappears.  It is all so willy nilly. 

10/29 was my 5th Bomb A Versary.  It was a great day for me.  PB in the am.  Helped a friend in the afternoon followed by an outside picnic with PB friends just because it was a beautiful day to be outide.

H showed up to PB and played 2 games with me.  He asked.  I didn't volunteer.  The last game we played against each other with friends we used to play with all the time.  L told me afterward the H commented that us playing together was just like old times and he had fun.

The following day, H showed up at the house.  He helped without outside chores to help winterize.  It was a nice day.  We work well together and accomplished a lot.  Later he stayed for soup for supper then before he left he commented that the yard needs done again before Thanksgiving and he would try to get it done.  Then he said it would be better if we worked on it together.  One blowing and one on the mower chopping leaves.  I told him....let me know.  If I am available, I'll help!


The nicest thing about bomb drop is that was an awesome day.  Not only because I spent it doing what I wanted with family and friends of my choice.  That was nice.

It was great because there is no more pain associated with Bomb a versary.  None.   I think back about it.  No tears.  I realize how far I have come....all smiles.

I am thankful for the way things have changed.  I can't rue that it happened because I have blossomed int a much better version of myself.   I will never regret the changes.  Do I wish it could have been done in another way....yes.  However, I had no choice in the way it happened.  I just had to focus on me and re-group myself.

I have come so far and I am proud of who I am.  I live a life that I love living!  I have family and friends that I care deeply about and vice versa.

I smile from ear to ear and it is genuine.

Good things do grow out of the ashes....we just have to take the steps to grow and heal ourselves!  It is all up to us!

[Schratz66]

What a wonderful post Sam.
You truly are the poster child of LBS and I am so happy that you have such a full, complete life even without MLC.

[MadLuv]

Sounds like a pretty good day Sam. What a “far cry” from 5 years ago. Ahhhhhh, the relief

[Schratz66]

Hey Sam - just checking in to see how you are doing

[Sam I Am]

S 66 - Thanks for checking in!  I am doing good!  Still here!  Still loving life.

Things are well for me!  I am busy, but not too busy!  I pick and choose to do the things that make me happy! 

Mostly pickleball.  My family -the grandkids especially!

Time with friends!  Volunteering!   What I do daily just depends on what I feel like tackling that day.  Always whatever is best for me!

How are you doing?  I have not read updates for sometime. 

 I have been off for a time.  I think often of updating, then life happens and I don't take the time to open the computer and share.

[Sam I Am]

Wow!  I have not updated since Nov!  Oops!  I have been living and thriving and going and doing and loving life and all it brings.

As far as H is concerned....I have pretty much given up on him ever coming out of this crap.  I wish he would heal for his sake.  I just no longer have hope for it. 

I still observe from afar and that keeps getting further and further away too!

Here is a bit of an update and some comparisons from what I remember.  Those memories of years past keep getting more and more vague as time passes. 

Nov and Dec:  I never invited H for family dinners and holiday events.  This was a first for me and it felt weird.  I felt like I was being the meanie by not automatically including him, yet, he has shown no signs of wanting to be involved with family so why invite him.

A few days before Thanksgiving....he advised me he was gonna come over and do some work at the house on TG morning.  This was his way of inviting himself.  He showed...spent time with family.  Never did any work.

Christmas...pretty much the same but he did mention about what time we were getting together and when.  When he asked...I let him know dates and times.  Plans changed and I kept him in the loop.

Last year at the holidays, he was a bump on the log.  Sat by himself.  Was on his phone.  It was him there physically but not mentally.

This year, he was involved.  He talked.  He joked.  He interacted.  He PLAYED with the grandkids.  Actually froliced with them in the spare room.  He had moments when the REAL H popped out. 

The holidays passed and he disappeared and has been getting worse since.

He will swing back for 1 or 2 days with good convo and some sharing on his part and then totally disappear.  It used to be for just few days and now it is getting longer and longer.  Nothing to go over a week or more with no contact.   

I don't try during these times.  If there is something he needs to know...I write it down and when he pops up...I share then.  He has to want to be in touch.  I no longer need him to be in touch with me.  In fact, sadly, it is less stressful when he does disappear.

So this is what has been happening since November. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other changes with H:

-He applied for jobs.  Was offered jobs.  Declined jobs. Quit applying for jobs.  Said he was happy where he is.  Now he is back to applying for a really good job while at the same time looking to buy a business.   He still doesn't know what he wants.

- After 6 years of car shopping, he finally bought a vehicle.  It is the same color as his sister.  Same body shape, he just got the larger version.  He thinks it is funny that lil brother and big sis have the same vehicle, except his is the model size higher.  Weird if you ask me.

- At one time in the summer/fall, it appeared that H moved in with OW 1 again.  His vehicle was spotted there nearly all the time.  Many times it was also semi hidden and this was on his days off.  Like he didn't want anyone driving by and seeing it.  So for months the car was there daily.  About a month ago, H started sharing Snap videos showing him at home at night.  About this same time, his car was not showing up as frequently at ow1.   Amazes me how he has moved in and out of her place at 4 times now and she keeps letting it happen.  Sad that she is that desperate to have to hold onto someone who can't even live with for more than a few months at a time and then he runs home to his sister again.

- I saw angry H for the first time in ages.  I mean years.  Have not seen him this angry since prior to BD when he was ramping up then.  Back then I didn't recognize it.  What I was was a man who was throwing a temper tantrum because things were not going his way at pb.  After the match, he left.  Claimed he had a headache and was not feeling well.  He got so angry so fast over absolutely nothing  He didn't blame me and told me he was not mad at me.  He wasn't feeling well and another person there had no right to tell him to calm down after a miss hit.

 - He has been complaining about not feeling well and having no endurance after pb.  Says he can't even play for 2 hours anymore.  Just gets so tired and he has to figure out how to build his endurance.  I just told him I was sorry to hear about that and told him that he will figure it out.

- He went on to tell a mutual friend the same thing but went on to say that he gets heart palpitations too and he has been to the dr and all the tests come back normal.   Friend is concerned about him and hopes he figures it all out. 



There is really not too much going on with the MLC world.  Why?  Don't know!

I know I no longer hang my hopes on his bread crumbs.  He can keep them.  I can bake my own bread when I want it.  I have moved onto a place that is different for me from where I was last year.  It just feels good is all I can say!  I like where I am!

Wishing you all the best!    Sam!

[UrsaMajor]

- After 6 years of car shopping, he finally bought a vehicle.  It is the same color as his sister.  Same body shape, he just got the larger version.  He thinks it is funny that lil brother and big sis have the same vehicle, except his is the model size higher.  Weird if you ask me.

A little FOO competition perhaps?  Wonder what Sis is thinking about it all.... or if Sis even cares? but it seems to be a big deal to MLCH.... Hmmmmm

-He applied for jobs.  Was offered jobs.  Declined jobs. Quit applying for jobs.  Said he was happy where he is.  Now he is back to applying for a really good job while at the same time looking to buy a business.   He still doesn't know what he wants.
<...snip...>
- At one time in the summer/fall, it appeared that H moved in with OW 1 again.  His vehicle was spotted there nearly all the time.  Many times it was also semi hidden and this was on his days off.  Like he didn't want anyone driving by and seeing it.  So for months the car was there daily.  About a month ago, H started sharing Snap videos showing him at home at night.  About this same time, his car was not showing up as frequently at ow1.   Amazes me how he has moved in and out of her place at 4 times now and she keeps letting it happen.  Sad that she is that desperate to have to hold onto someone who can't even live with for more than a few months at a time and then he runs home to his sister again.

Not to call MLCH an ape but.... he's still spinning.... and OW1 doesn't have enough self-esteem to say "Enough." They don't call them an "Affair Down" for nothing...

[MadLuv]

Sounds like a good place to be in Sam. For you at least

[Schratz66]

Sam,

so good to hear from you and may I say you sound like you have moved to another level and I am in awe.
 

I know I no longer hang my hopes on his bread crumbs.  He can keep them.  I can bake my own bread when I want it.

I love that and I would love to get to that place. This show has been going on for almost 6 years now and I am tired of it and I do just want a normal life and a normal relationship. Unfortunately at my age there will not be much chance of that but I am just plain tired of all the charades, all the false hope and all the right words but no actions that come from my MLC. How can they still not know what they want ? Even teenagers grow out of it......

Your attitude has always been amazing and if I could copy it I would.

[FaithWalker]

Good to hear an update Sam!  I have missed my HS friends!

[Schratz66]

Hi SAM,

just checking in on you. Hope you are enjoying the summer with your kids and grandkids.

[rosetintedglasses]

Hey Sam

Just caught up. I understand what you say about it being less stressful when you don’t see them.

It’s so nice isnt it. Glad you feel like that.

You sound good, girl.
Rose 🌹

[Sam I Am]

Dear 66, Faith, Rose and Mad....thanks for checking in and for your thoughts!  I often think of checking in more regularly....then life happens!

UM:  love the spinning ape.  Too funny!

[Sam I Am]

I have not realized how much time has gone by!  I keep saying to myself to get in an update and to see how everyone else is doing!   Then I don't get it done!

So now.....nearly 6 mos later....here is an update on how things have progressed in MLC land for H.   He is still there!  Things seem oddly worse too!

So, after the holidays (TG, Christmas and NYs), H started to become more distant.  Less visits.  Less phone calls.  It was nothing to go weeks and weeks on end without hearing or seeing him.  On one occasion he showed up for PB at the same location as me.  He stayed 2 hours and didn't once communicate.  Not a hi or anything.  I saw him choose courts far from me.  I followed his suit and didn't attempt to get near him or communicate with him either.  Later I realized that this was a period of drought.  He actually went over a month with no communication and the only time we saw each other was that one time at PB.

Oddly....I wasn't hurt by it.  I was playing PB and that makes me happy.  He could do nothing to spoil my night!

He has not been around for Easter, Memorial Day or July 4th.  Just gone.  No attempts to want to be with family at all on those days.

Sometime in mid to late May, he suddenly showed up at the house unannounced.  Since they, he is back to popping in for a day or two for either a visit or a call and then disappearing for a few days to a few weeks.  I did notice some changes in him since he started popping back in.

1.  He is starting accept responsibility for things.  If he plays bad, he says he played bad.  Before he would blame it on others.
2.  He has occasionally asked me to do things.  Such as go to another town to play PB or ride along to daughters house so we only have to take one car.  Just little things like that. 
3.  He used to say he wouldn't play in tournaments because it didn't fit his work schedule.  Now he says he won't play because he lets his nerves get to him and he doesn't want to let his partner down.
4.  He will occasionally, call or text and tell me where the better players are playing so that I can show up and play.  They are a little secretive because they want their play time to stay competitive.  I am not in the group because I can not play regularly with them since I work. 
5.  His mower broke down and he asked to use mine.  I allowed it.  In return, he would do my weed whipping and fill my gas tanks and when time allowed, he mowed my grass.
6.  He notices things around the house and points them out.  Instead of being critical that some things are not done or telling me how he would do things, he says things like  "I can't believe it needs week whipped again already" or "I'll take care of that the next time I am in the area and have my tools with me"
7.  He talks about needing a pb practice partner and says he asks people but they have different schedules...then says we might have to rely on each other to practice drills.

That is a sampling of things.  They are very small and few and far between.

Other big developments:

Son and DIL are having some growing pains in their relationship.  They are working through it but DIL tends to use H as a place to vent.  H just recently told her that she is the source of all of son's unhappiness (not true, she is a contributor but he is also not happy about things other than her).  Told her to just get a Divorce now because they will never be happy or have a healthy relationship.  Per DIL, he went on for about 45 mins about how terrible a person she is.  DIL told son when son confronted her and said I know something is bothering you....time to share and not keep it bottled up.  So she did share some of it.   Son has not talked to H since then.  H keeps trying to reach out and son is avoiding him for now.  Son wants to confront him about it but wants to man up and do it face to face.  He wants to get some time and space between them for now so he doesn't act out emotionally with anger.  H doesn't understand why son is avoiding him.  He gets angry that son won't take the time to talk to him.   Son keeps saying that H has no right to say that and no matter what he feels, he should support them and if he can't then there is no place in their life for them.  He wants to tell him that H is not a role model and in fact, son wants to be just the opposite of H.  He wants to work on and fight for his marriage but run off with floosies that come along.  this is what he says he wants to talk face to face with H about. 

DIL tried to call him out on projecting but it didn't phase H.  He said he feels bad that he left me after all those years we were together.  Yet he is still with ow1 and ow2 per DIL.  He is cheating on each of them with the other and he has no intention of committing to either one. 

I asked H to dog sit for me when I went on a family vacation.  I had someone else lined up and 5 days before vacation they bailed.  I tried other options and H was the only one available.  During that week he stayed at the house and did a lot of work on the outside.  He was so proud of himself.  Said he has been wanting to do some of this stuff for years.

A few weeks ago I got a bad bacterial infection that was on the verge of sepsis.  There was talk of me needing to be admitted to the hospital for some treatment for a day or 2.  My daughter called H to TELL him that if I ended up in the hospital that he was going to have to take care of the dogs for me.  She said she told him it was time for him to step up and help out that I couldn't take care of the house and dogs while I was sick and possibly in the hospital.

He responded and said he would help.  He told her that he loved me.  He doesn't want to hurt me.  If he wanted to hurt me, he would have divorced me years ago.  Said he will always love me but that he can't live with me.  Then told daughter to let him know what I need and he terminated the call.  She was flabbergasted because he has not used the word love at all since before bd.  Doesn't even tell the grand kids that he loves them let alone daughter.  She recalled how he used to tell her all my faults...even some that I didn't have and now she can't believe that he said what he said.  She was afraid to tell me for fear I would read into it.   I didn't.  It is just the Mad Man of MLC talking.  Today it is love....tomorrow it is not. 

During a recent ride together, I said something to H about doing what is best for him and he responded...I keep thinking about what is best for me and I can't figure it out.
 m y brain is messed up.  I said what do you mean....he said his thoughts are foggy.  He can't keep his thoughts straight.

The few times I do see H, he is either looking good and appears happy or he looks like crap.  There seems like there is no in between.   

Long story short.....H might be making some progress.  He might not.  Only time will tell!  I still hope he heals. 

[xyzcf]

It's so very strange. The slight movement, perhaps a normal conversation or time spent that was pleasant, followed by distance and silence. And then it repeats itself.

Some perhaps can get further, some can express their own "confusion" others (like my husband) never say a word. It is as though there is no past, no hurt...yet their "desire" to have some contact at times ........they have not totally forgotten us.

I am happy that you have found many things that bring you happiness. That you don't "need" him in order to have a very good life.

I am sorry that you were ill and hope that you are completely healed.

H might be making some progress.  He might not.  Only time will tell!  I still hope he heals.

Yes. I hope they all heal and find whatever it is they need to become whole again.

[Imgood]

As I read your update, what sticks out to me is your H’s perception that he hasn’t hurt you because he hasn’t divorced you. That is some messed up thinking. But then again, that’s an mlcer for you. Wishing you all the best Sam!

[Zion]

As I read your update, what sticks out to me is your H’s perception that he hasn’t hurt you because he hasn’t divorced you. That is some messed up thinking. But then again, that’s an mlcer for you. Wishing you all the best Sam!

What I was thinking! Does he think he is Gods gift to you…The Ego!

That he is cheating on 3 women right now….yikes! At least me is now admitting to what his relationship is with OW1 and OW2

[Schratz66]

So good to hear from you Sam and even better that you seem truly to be happy and that you do not let his bobble headed behaviour get to you.
That is so awesome.......if he wanted to hurt you he'd have divorced you long time ago.....just WOW...they truly have no clue and I do not believe it for a minute. If he was sure at all about never coming home he'd have divorced you long time ago .....they truly are teenage boys in their thinking but you take it all in stride and with such grace. Keep on going on and you have been !!!

[MadLuv]

Oh the mind of the MLCer. When I asked my XH why he had to disrespect me, he said. i think I was disrespecting myself. Well, yes that’s a given, but…….

It is all about them and how ever they can justify it in their own minds. They can not deal with our pain and they normally don’t divorce as they don’t have the energy mentally to do that. If I hadn’t done it to protect myself financially I believe I would still be married today.

[Sam I Am]

Once again....TIME got away from me.  I remember at the beginning where I had to count time in seconds or minutes and it felt like another day was never gonna come to an end.

Here we are almost 6.5 years later and now time is just flying by.  TIME is no longer the cuss word it used to be.  Now TIME is just blowing by and I don't realize it has gone. Over 6 mos since my last update and really I don't have a lot to say.

Where am I?   I am still doing me.  More pickleball.  Getting better and more competitive.  Doing some tournaments.  3 grandkids that I adore.  The loss of a dog and the new adventures with a new one.  Life just keeps cranking on and it is my intent to savor every possible minute I can!  I want to live life to the fullest and just continue to be happy!  Very simple....just enjoy life!

My life is full.  I have a new normal that does not involve H and that is fine.  I have tons of friends and several very close ones that I trust with all...especially the MLC crap.  They are the ones that get it.  I occasionally wonder about how life would be if H were to ever want to come back.  I just can't envision it.  I used to dream of it.  Now I just don't see it.  I don't see anyone else in my future at this time either.  I really am very happy with doing me.  No one to cook for.  No worries that I can't make salmon tonight because someone else doesn't like it.   No one to wait up for.  No one to check in with.  My only concern is making sure my dogs are taken care of it I go away.  There are people you help me with that!  I really do enjoy the freedom of living!  Just living and doing and being!

H:  Well he is all over the place.  For the last few months, he has been in contact more.  I have seen him more because of pickleball.  He calls but only to talk about pickleball or the grandkids.  He stopped by this winter to clean places in the yard so the dogs could go out after snow storms.  He has been going once a week to breakfast with the grandkids.  He guys one week, I buy the next.  Occasionally, there is a little humor.  There are still a lot of times when he is just silent.  Not a peep out of him and I let him to it.  He is in a funk where he doesn't like to come to the house....especially come inside.  His mail goes months without being touched.  I no longer worry that I need to get important stuff to him.  That is all on him.  He got sent to collections because he ignored stuff.   Not my problem.  He knows where the mailbox is.   

We are friendly and cordial at pickleball.  Far cry from the time he played as if I was not even there. 

H and my son have not been talking for several months now.  My daughter in law was venting one day and H told her that she was the fault of the problems my son was having.  She didn't clean enough.  She didn't walk the dogs enough.  She didn't work enough.  She is not happy enough. Told her to divorce him before he finishes his residency because all she wants is to be a trophy wife and she is not entitled to that.   Does it all sound familiar?  Sounds like the exit speech H gave to me at bomb drop. 

There was a lot more to the convo and I ask DIL to not share it.   That is between them.   My son basically wrote H off.  Said if he doesn't support them.....then son has no time for him.   OUCH.  I remember a time when DIL could really do no wrong.  Now she can do no right and H couldn't keep it to himself.  Oh well....that is his pot to piss in.

Not much else to say.  Thanks to those who take the time to stop by and read my updates.  I think of many of you....I just never take the time to get on this site and get updated!  Hope you are all doing well and are finding ways to be healthy and happy too!  ~Sam

[UrsaMajor]

Hi am,

Nice to "read" you again. You are sounding really good and it sounds like you have your life firmly in your hands now while MLCH is still twisting int he wind....

Seems that MLCH is wallowing his time away, eh?

Not too original that he uses the same Bomb Drop Speech on DIL that he used on you..... Just proves how little (I guess) he has actually done his own work, huh?

8+ years and counting there....