[Sam I Am]

Music,

It is amazing how they all seem to follow some sort of "script".

More so early on, but even later, there is still script involved.

In our cases, it appears the script right now is the shutting down while distancing.

H does it all the time.   

Has some good "family" time, then disappears.   It has been much worse since the last time I saw the real H which was late Spring.  However, it really started in March after his injury.  Just escalted notably in the late Spring and continues.

On a good note.....I saw fragments of the real H about a week ago.  Didn't last long at all and it came after an extended shut down.  For about 1.5 days, he was happy.  He smiled.  He conversed.  He was drawn to the gkids.  He did work at the hosue.  He was friendly and volunteers to stop by to  take care of the dogs.

After his brief outing.....guess what.....shut down again.   Sad that on Christmas he couldn't smile and be happy and enjoy fam.   Maybe one day.  His choice!

Oh well.  I keep going!   I am not giving up the good things in my life while he is hiding in his mlc world.   I will not let life pass me by.  I just enjoy it way too much now!

[Sam I Am]

Posting earlier than I usually do, but I just had an urge to share...

At Christmas H was showing childish behaviors while at church.   

Last Sunday we had the youngest grandchilds consecration so H was off to church again with us.

I got to see the man child again and nearly peed my pants to avoid LOL in the middle of church.

Near the beginning of service, we stood to sing.  Then sat for announcements then stood again to sing.  H looks at me and says,

I don't understand why I have to stand!

  Tone was very childish.  I controled myself.  Told him that he didn't have to and I stood then he stood.

During service, H cradled his head in his hand and was hunched over.  He was falling asleep.  Thank goodness he didn't snore.  LOL.  Anyhow, at the end of serice (like 20 minutes later) he got up during the last song and ran out and said as he was leaving that he needs air, he can't keep his eyes open. 

On the way home, he said the non-drowsy allergy meds he took must have made him sleepy.  He just couldn't stay awake.  Said he couldn't belive it because he slept so good the night before and was feeling good up until then.

Poor guy!   

[rosetintedglasses]

Great update Sam!

How intriguing! I remember Acorn describing her H in a similar way at church. Acting like a child.

Rose 🌹

[Sam I Am]

Hello all!  Happy Valentines!  Stopping by for an update.

Since my last post....a lot of nothing has happened.  I really mean nothing!

H was in contact a lot a month ago for the b day and baptism of young grandbaby.  Then poof.....he was gone.  For about 22 days of the last month, he has not been in contact.  Would have been more, but there was 2 days of "forced" contact.  One he game to see the grandkids and one I helped his parents and ran into him.  More on that later!

H has not been this distant since Feb of 2019 when he started to reach out more.  I notice I have much more peace within me when he is not in contact.  He is in such a sad state right now that it is hard to see him and I hardly recognize who he is becoming.  It is really sad to see.

So here is the recap over the years as I can best remember it:

Feb 2018:  Nothing from H.  He was fully in love with the OW.  He was secretly planning on moving out of State with her.  It was about this time that he decided he couldn't go.  He was going to take her and drop her off and come home and see what happened.  This was all info I found out after the fact.  I had no idea of his move until months later.

Feb 2019:  H went on vacation with Sis.  Her deceased H had planned a romantic get a way to Las Vegas.  She had to use or loose the flights, hotels, show vouchers etc.  So she took H.  It was during this week away that I noticed OW2 was posting daily something on FB about places he was visiting.  I thought it odd and this is when I really started thinking that something could be up.  It was also during this time that he reached out to me and talked to me.  He called and had a 45 minute convo.  Of course he was on speaker and sis was in the background but it was the most we had talked since he moved in July of 18. 

Feb 2020:  I was seeing H on a more regular basis.  Mostly due to PB.  Some when he would visit the kids.  More calls were taking place more often.

Feb 2021:  Very similar to 2021.  Near the end of them month is when he got hurt.  Besides calling work, I was the first person he called to tell about it.  After this.....a lot started changing with him.  This is when he started to pull away and it has been increasing more and more over the last year.

Feb 2022:  This far this month, I have seen him twice and we talked for about 30 mins.  First time I saw him was when he Dad fell and his mom needed help getting him up.  Sis couldn't reach H so she called me and I went and helped.  As I was leaving, H came in.  He barely looked at me.  He thanked me for the help.  Told me he just woke up in case I couldn't tell and then he turned his attention to getting the news on TV.  I walked out after saying good bye and I doubt he even heard me.  H never said a word.

Second time was when I went home for lunch and he was at the house looking for something.  I wasn't going to even go in, but I needed something so I did vs running back a 2nd time.   He looked like crap.  He is growing his hair out.  He has a bald spot on the crown of his head.  He was not clean shaven, like he just didn't shave that day.   He was still inside and I started to leave and he followed me out.  It was freezing but he continued to talk:

Told me:
-He was looking for a pair of boots that he thought he left there
-He is gathering all his tools for his new job for when they call him to start
-He has a backup job in case he doesn't like the new one.
-Told me with the one job that he could get a discounted fuel oil rate for the house (not me or us...the house) for heating.
-Told me that he wants to have Sundays off because that is when most mixed doubled PB tournaments are.
-There was a lot of blah blah blah moments where his lips were moving and something repetative and complaining was coming out.  Either about his job or the son in law or a friend who was messing up or whatever.  Just the same old same old that he complains about.

-I told him when it comes to work...he will figure it out.  He will do what is best for him.
-I told him good job for getting his endorsement and also for pro actively getting tools ready so he is good to go when he gets the call to start.
-That is pretty much all I said.  Not much more to say since it was all him talking and I was freezing.

Since then,  crickets.


Now, as for me....i am doing good.  I got called for my surgery so that is to happen on 2.23.  I am excited.  Hope to be back playing PB by the end of April or beginning of May.  Can't wait for this.  Planning on doing all I can to get in shapre as soon as possible.

Right now....mostly just watching my weight until I can be active again.  Can't come soon enough.

I am enjoying my family
I am enjoying my life.

I am doing a lot of things for myself with no regrets and very little thought of Poor H is missing this.   Sad but true.  He is further and futher from my mind.


 
 

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Sam,

Good to "read" from you again... Not much to say except that H is still off in La-La -Land ... Not your circus, not your monkeys, right?

I can certainly understand that it is much more peaceful when he is not in contact...

[rosetintedglasses]

Ditto to what UM said Sam.

So much more peaceful when we get a period of time without their presence.

Seeing it written out like that shows how long and drawn out this all is. 

You sound awesome
Rose 🌹

[FaithWalker]

Hey Sam! 



I totally know what you mean about the peace!

[Sam I Am]

Ursa....yes I agree.  This is all on him to enjoy La La Land!  I am not a circus goer at all!

Rose:  Hi!  Hope you are well!  I love the peace.  It also helps time to fly too because my brain wonders less without constand reminders.

Faith:   Hello....back at you!  Love the waiving bear!   I still don't know how to import fun things like that.

Time sure did get away from me over the last month plus.   Hope all of your are well.  I gotta get caught up on how you are all doing!

[Sam I Am]

My update:

A lot of things has happened with me since I last visitied.

My finally got my knee surgery the end of Feb.   I spent all of March getting "back on my feet".  A lot of rehab and learning how to walk again and to strengthen my muscles.

All is well.  For about 3 weeks I was not feeling myself.  Little pain but a lot of discomfort.  Sleepless nights...stiffness....medications.

I would do it all again, but I thought my healing was gonna be a lot faster.   At the end of 3 weeks....I was grumpy and just wanted to be alone.

Around 4 weeks, all the PT started to pay off.  Things started feeling much better.  The stiffness is still there but it loosens up faster.  Still have swelling but less of it.   Just all around...things were getting better.

This past weekend, I was able to go and visit with some PB friends.  Watched a tournament.  Went out Friday night to a ladies gathering.  Overall.....I was back to being me with some physical limitations.  It all felt so great.

I realized yesterday that I was in a funk.  This is why I wanted to be alone and not socialize.  Part of it was the aftermath of the surgery.  Some of it was because I was angry at H for not being there when I needed him most.

I needed to work through it and I did and now all that is behind me.  Yeah!

I feel so much better physically...mentally and emotionally since I faced those things and addressed them.  How liberating it can be!

[Sam I Am]

H updates:

Gonna do my best here.  The longer this goes....the less I recall

March 2018:  H has moved in with a friend after ow1 moved out of state and he decided not to joint her.  That lasted about 2 weeks then he contacted me to move home and live in guest room.   

April of 2018:  We were roomies...that is all.  We did a few things together but for the most part....we did our own things.

March of 2019:  H reached out and invited me to PB at the church.  This was the start of a prolonged period of touch and goes.  He was still involved with OW1 but living with Sister in law.

April of 2019:  I saw H more because of PB.  Wasn't much   A few times a month at PB.  Sometimes he acted like he knew me.  Sometimes he kept his distance.  Sometimes he just didn't show.   

March of 2020:  Still having t & g.  We were in lock down with little to do but H was communicating more.  More calls.  More visits depite no PB and more calls.

April of 2020:  We launched outside PB in our area so we had something to do during shutdown.  PB is a natural socially distancing sport since only 4 people play and you need to stay about 10 feet apart while playing so you can cover the court.   Time together ramped up...but only during pb.  He was more friendly.  He came for Easter but left early and suddenly.  Guessing ow1 had something going on too.

March of 2021:  H was injured the end of Feb.  This left him sitting with little to do.   He declined my offers for any assistance.  I offered twice when he was belly aching....I never offered after the second rejection.   I know he was still involved with ow1.  He posted a pic of his injury while in her bathroom.   It hurt that he turned to her but I accepted it was MLC and I let it all go.  He came to a family dinner for Easter and stayed all day.  Mostly because we celebrated on Saturday vs Sunday.

April 2021:  He continued to heal and he was getting around better.  Still calling out of boredom.  He was coming to the house to do work.  Once again....I think it was boredom.  Not much else he could do so he came and did yard work on the tractor and mower.  He was very helpful

March of 2022:  He texted a few times just to see how my recovery was going.  Hardly called and visted one time after I was released from the hospital but he was clearly uncomfortable.  He stayed about 15 minutes then made an excuse that he had to go to work and skeedaddled out of there as fast as he could.  After that it was nearly a month before he returned.  He didn't even stop by in my absence to get his mail.  Just let it all pile up.  He pretty much vanished.  Still nothing for him to go 10 to 12 days with no contact.

April of 2022:  So far this month, he has reached out a bit more but only with social media.  He stopped by one time this month to get his mail and my son in law was doing a project for me and needed help moving a wardrobe and he has H to help.   Saw him briefly that day.  It almost seems when he pops in that all is ok for about 5 minutes then you can see him get uneasy.   Almost like being in my presence is making his skin burn and he has to get out of there ASAP so he doesn't melt.  It is so odd to watch.   I don't know how he is feeling...that is just what I am observing.

Phone calls are still few and far between.  Most of the time when they happen....it is all about what he wants to talk about.  I feel like a bobblehead doll.  Just listening and saying ok   ok  ok.....he no longer gets my thoughts...my ideas or my opinions.  Just...ok...that stinks....you got this.....short...positive....neutral.