[atsbabyg02]

Hello all!

I'm new to this forum and want to see if anyone else may have gone through this.  I thought my H was in MLC in 2014.  There was a bd on my son's 10th birthday (sad way to remember it!).  I was actually on the divorce busters forum with Hearts Blessing (sad to hear she passed, great wealth of knowledge and inspiration) and gained guidance and support over there for many months.  My H came home a year later and we slowly worked on some things and life took off with us being happy...or so I thought! 

Then I notice instances of him pulling away 3 years ago, which I thought was from his job that required weekly travels across the country.  I complained about our connection and the lack of me being a priority (all the stuff we obviously notice at the beginning of this). He kept saying that we'd do more once our son went away to school, but we need him to go on these college visits etc. 

I took a turn into depression with my son going away, and losing that stage of being a mom (have a daughter that's a senior this year, so still feeling the loss).  Then I really noticed my H was avoiding me and focused on work a lot more, drinking a lot and then pulling away from d17.  Then of course bd #2 on December 11th, 2022.

My question is can MLC behaviors actually pause for a few years as if he has come out of the crisis? I know both incidents of bd are MLC.  He rates high on the symptoms and actions.  Is it actually a pause or just a prolonging in a certain stage before he went backwards, because I'm seeing the depression this time; some wallowing but even in the active behaviors. This is such a confusing time and I don't know how long I can do this again!!

[Rollercoasterider]

Atsbabyg02,

I'm so sorry you're going through this...again.
Midlife Crisis lasts from 3 to upwards of 7 years. Returns before 3 years are either premature or it may not have been Midlife Crisis.

If an MLCer is yanked out the front of the MLC tunnel, there is a high likelihood they will return later and it will be a worse crisis. This type of return to the tunnel is not a few months later--I'd call that part of the original MLC. These are years later such as your situation.

[Treasur]

I’m not an MLC expert like RCR so I bow to her judgement on this. I don’t know what difference it makes to your perspective on your situation or what you think you want to do next.

This is such a confusing time and I don't know how long I can do this again!!

I am truly sorry that this kind of chaos has re-entered your life. How are you and your (now) older kids coping?

How can we best support you? (And it might help if you can share a few practical details about the current situation as you see it eg is your h at home or living elsewhere, how financially vulnerable are you, known ow or drug/alcohol issues, how much contact you have with him at the moment and what kind, how much of a family/friends support system you have, if you are seeing an IC or have consulted a lawyer etc.....)

I don’t know what you think you did last time that worked well for you? Or what ‘doing this again’ means to you. Above all, what do you think is the best approach to take for you and your kids now? What I can say with some confidence is that you are not alone and, bc it’s highly unlikely that you are experiencing anything that at least some of us have not experienced too, we will understand and respect your choices with a kind eye.

[xyzcf]

Hello. I am sorry that this is happening to you and your family. It's also at a hard time for you, with your son away, your daughter about to launch on her life.

I have been thinking about your post since I read it yesterday, trying to remember who else this has happened to. I know in my own situation that my husband is very good at compartmentalizing, and I doubt that he's ever faced his internal struggles. It's just a theory that perhaps your husband came back without finishing whatever he needed to finish...and some never do it seems.

This is such a confusing time and I don't know how long I can do this again!!

Without knowing why they feel the need to leave, without the real conversations that are necessary for us to come to an understanding , so that we can accept that there were valid reasons for them leaving (even if we don't agree but we can at least see their point of view) we are left in an empty void...not quite sure what we can do to stop the pain and the hurt, the betrayal once more.

One of the many things that Heartsblessing said that resonated with me is that "where there is love, there is hope"...I actually met her with another LBSer, we had lunch together, I felt like I was meeting a rock star...that was probably back in 2011....you know, she looked at me and said firmly "it will be ok". At that point in my journey, I clung to her words interpreting that he would come back, he had to come back...there was no other possibility that I could accept.....

I understood much later, that wasn't what she meant. "It will be ok" because I would heal. Regardless...even though this is not what I wanted, I could only see one resolution and that was that he would return to our marriage and family.

As you already know, there is absolutely nothing that you can do to"fix him".

For us, many of us anyway have symptoms of PTSD...the trauma of our families blown apart...not everyone here experiences that, and some perhaps to a greater degree than others. To have this happen again might increase your depression/anxiety/fear...and the person who could help you is no longer available to you.

It helped me a great deal to have others to talk to who have been through this ....just to share that today I am having a bad day....not to give any solutions but to know how deeply this hurts.

Whatever helps, whatever gives you some respite from the fight/flight response that is possibly happening right now, find those things and enter into what helps...exercise, yoga, prayer, other people, therapy, travel..whatever brings you some peace.

[atsbabyg02]

After reading through my journals from before, he started this in 2011.  My first bd was June 4, 2011.  He moved out with a friend and there  was an EA with OW.  He was back and forth in the home for the next couple years and I did not realize this was MLC.  The next bd came in early 2014 when he filed for divorce without giving me a heads up.  There was a new OW, but this one became physical.  We actually reconciled in September 2014 and took it slow.  I think he finally returned home by Christmas.

We were stronger than we had been and I was happy.  He refused to talk about the OW and I didn't push because I didn't want to hurt anymore.  I think this has remained unresolved for us because he never admitted to an affair until 2020. I thought we were happy and moving right along with plans for the future.  He then took a job in 2021 which resulted in traveling almost 6 months non stop from Kentucky to Oregon.  So the time change threw a kink in communication and it began to become limited contact. I would complain that we weren't doing anything together and missed him a lot.  This is when I began to notice minor changes (not thinking MLC because I thought we had already gone through it and was just not connecting due to circumstances).  We still were not actually connecting because we were doing college visits for my son, so one of us would be gone on the weekends.  The company finally collapsed and he took a new job in 2022.  Son had picked a college and H was home more.

Then I went into a depression because my first born was going away 9 1/2 hours.  The summer was busy moving him and then I went with our daughter to a 2 week mock law trial in California.  Luckily, I had pushed for a vacation for just the 2 of us. The day after I returned from CA, we left for New England.  He was excited about his new job and showed me his work site.  We ate at a couple restaurants he enjoyed- you know sharing his experiences!  Then we get back and work starts back for me (I work in the school system). 

It's almost like a door closed on us. August quickly became November and he wasn't interested in my work, never asked about my days, only talked about what he was doing and the stress of the New England job.  Then they added another location for him to visit.  This one was close to home, but he chose to stay during weekends.  Let me tell you how fast that red flag shot up!!!!  I have no proof and he denies there is OW. 

Then one week I called him out and let's just say that was the nail in the coffin!  He literally stopped talking to me and when he returned home, bd December 11, 2022. He filed for divorce 12/22/22. Couldn't wait until after the holidays.  Ruined my d18 birthday as well as Christmas! I knew exactly what was happening and I began working on myself.

Honestly, I feel like i'm in a good place mentally at this time.  I crashed into a deep depression and received medication from my doctor.  The meds were worse than the symptoms of depression, so I no longer take them.  I have my family and friends that have been trying to do something with me every weekend.  Work has been a nice distraction and co-workers have been awesome!  I have been exercising (limited because I found out this past Oct. I have a torn meniscus), eating healthier (lost 25 lbs since Oct and in a healthy way!), meditating everyday, reading scripture everyday and focused on being happy for myself and my kids.

My s19 hasn't said much.  He found out 2 days before going back to school.  D18 hates H so much.  They have had a rocky relationship for years but this pushed her over the edge.  She doesn't think I should stand for him.  She believes I deserve better and H is not the answer.  She told me he better come back a totally different person because he doesn't deserve you!

H is living in the house currently.  He's been more of a wallower recently.  This company went under too.  They owe him over $8000 in pay and travel expenses, which are now cutting deeply into our savings. I honestly think it's more the loss of his new identity and friends as well as OW. H doesn't monster like the first time.  There is no blame directly at me for him leaving.  He said the typical "I don't love you, but you are always going to be a special person since you are the mother of my kids." H admitted that he needed to work on himself and that he has a lot of questions about his childhood (years of repressed memories).  He did acknowledge he hasn't been a good husband or father; I don't know if he meant recently or overall. Now don't get me wrong, H did say I did not deserve to have a vacation because I'm lazy and never help out!  Oh the thoughts and stories these MLCer's have!!

I've been setting boundaries to help protect my emotions.  He is still very self-centered and has pushed away me (obviously), my D18 and his own mother at times.  I'm not sure if this is happening because we lost his step dad in Dec 2021(I think may have been a huge trigger for the MLC return), but MIL is very depressed and not her usual self at this time.

My original question then should be can MLC happen multiple times to a person?

*As I've been here writing this, he's been slamming doors and drawers.  Guess he's pissed about something.  Probably because my d18 and I have been out of the house most of the day   This is his choice!!

[Treasur]

He said the typical "I don't love you, but you are always going to be a special person since you are the mother of my kids."

  Gosh, imagine how he treats someone who isn’t ‘special’.....

You sound pretty good, atsbaby, all things considered.
Having said that, i’m sure that sharing a house with someone who is divorcing you - which others have experienced here - is not a walk in the park. And it sounds as if there may be some lurking financial mess in the background?

It makes sense to me that these folks with big inside holes might operate on a spectrum over a long period. I think they probably throw spaghetti at the wall in the hope that external fixes will make them feel better....new jobs, new ow/om, new houses, new hobbies, divorce or even reconnection with their spouse/family....and then slide back again when whatever fix they try doesn’t magically work. Tbh I probably think of it as being a bit like an alcoholic....not an either/or or linear thing. It is also possible that, with hindsight, an LBS might begin to feel that their own rose-tinted glasses, commitment and effort balanced out a spouse who actually was always inherently a bit immature or avoidant or self-centred as opposed to going from A to an unrecognisable MLC B. Most LBS go through these kind of reflections as part of their own process, I think, it’s pretty normal....and individuals reach different conclusions imho. So, is it possible that your h has been dipping in and out of MLCness since 2011? I guess so based on what RCR says.

Why does that matter to you is in a way perhaps the more important question? And how does it shape your own response to the situation you find yourself in? There can be a lot of different answers to that imho....and most LBS here have had to chew on them lol.....but figuring out what your answer is may be helpful to you. If you knew the answer to your question was yes with 100% certainty, how might that change your path from here? Or indeed if you knew the answer was no with equal certainty?

Imho fwiw there is some truth in the Buddhist principle that we suffer most when we try to fight against a current reality. It’s a very normal human thing to do, of course, and we’ve all done greater or lesser degrees of it at times. (Holds hand up here  ) Sometimes I think we do it for a while as a survival tool until we feel steady enough to start accepting bits of a reality we really don’t want to accept....that’s pretty normal too, isn’t it?

So again jmo, what matters most is how YOU see your current reality. And the extent to which you can evaluate it as opposed to judging it on some slippier slope of expectations and wishes and explanations perhaps.

How DO you see it? And given that what are your goals right now?

And on the practical front, what is the status of the divorce process right now? Have you taken legal advice? What is your tactical approach to it....engaging actively in it, doing very little other than protecting yourself appropriately or trying to delay it?  And would you prefer him to be living somewhere else and, if so, can you legally make that happen? Above all, what do you want or see as next steps for you given that you can’t fix or control him?

[UrsaMajor]

I  can't say I have a lot to add or to answer your actual question whether it was/is possible to have multiple MLC's other than to repeat what RCR has said - it is much more likely that he never LEFT MLC territory but only got yanked back out of the front of the tunnel prematurely, thus setting the stage for a repeat performance later on.

In some threads you'll read of situations like this (although none lasting as long as far as I can recall) where they refer to a "long-term touch and go"- basically where the Mid-Lifer seems too get their head out of their .... fog.... for all intents and purposes and wanting to "work on the marriage"(which is a farce as "the marriage" is NOT the cause of their problems) only to drop another bomb at a future date, usually worse than the first one. In your story, I see a series of escalating BD's that have gotten worse and worse. This would also be a potential sign for the dreaded "Touch and Go" Syndrome.

*As I've been here writing this, he's been slamming doors and drawers.  Guess he's pissed about something.  Probably because my d18 and I have been out of the house most of the day   This is his choice!!

You are witnessing a MLC Temper Tantrum... Much like an oversize toddler... Wait until he announces that he's going to hold his breath until he dies.... and then try not to laugh in his face....

You are 100% correct. This IS his choice. He can choose to get help, to work on whatever identity crisis issues, childhood issues, whatever issues he has and MAYBE (no 100% guarantee here) you'll be there when he finally gets his Mule Fritters in one sock or he can choose continue on his path of headlong self-deception and self-destruction because, until the underlying issues are dealt with, nothing will change... No matter how many external "Band-Aids" in the form of new jobs, new friends, new Affair Downs, new hobbies, new additions, new whatever he decides to use to plaster over the original wound, that wound is still there, still festering, still rotting away. Like the saying goes, "No matter how fast or how far you run, there you are." He can't get away form himself and until he comes to grip with that fact and chooses to get help for his issues, his life is doomed to be "Wash, rinse, repeat."

[KayDee]

Being just 6 months of so from this kind of fracture, I empathize with how painful this must be, especially as you thought you had this difficult phase behind you.

I think everyone makes excellent points and I don't have anything super wise to say given my newness. But I did have some thoughts about the timings in your situation. Something that has sunk in for me, with a flash of the bl**ding obvious, is that my H has no real coping skills. OK, this was not so obvious before BD because he had never really had any major events to deal with. He was lucky in that regard. Externally, as in outside the family, others might call him a rock, as he is often the 'ear' that people go to. But this is more a role he takes, and he can ring-fence it. But I bought into it too. In the past, I have had a couple of significant bereavements, and I noticed at the time he really struggled. Found it difficult to cope with my sadness and pain. And something I have seen quite frequently on this forum is a BD that comes at at time when the LBS is having health issues. I know many will nod along with the lack of coping skills, because so many said it to me in the early days (belated thanks! it takes a time to sink in). Well - you probably know all this already, you have been at it for a long while. This was my reaction when I read your post. Your H has very poor coping skills and this is his MO. From my perspective, I now know that until my H faces his FOO issues, the ones that have made him terrified of conflict and unable to cope with difficult situations, he will only repeat this kind of damaging flight response. It's really hard to let him go, but this is how I see it now.

[Imgood]

“From my perspective, I now know that until my H faces his FOO issues, the ones that have made him terrified of conflict and unable to cope with difficult situations, he will only repeat this kind of damaging flight response. It's really hard to let him go, but this is how I see it now.”
I need to remember these words Kaydee because they hit home with me 100%. This “MLC/Divorce” is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through but I KNOW, as you say, I need to let him go and I have but I sure do miss the man I knew. I am two years out from BD and I wonder….will I ever see the man I knew, again.? MLC is so sad and so unfortunate.
I am happy to report though, I am doing well and getting on with my life!

[hopeandfaith]

Hey there, just thought I would pop by and let you know that my story is a bit similar to yours. First BD was 2013-2014 and then we had another BD in 2017. The second one was deeper and longer but he has now been home since early 2020. 2020 was a very bumpy year but it has steadily improved since then.

I’ll post another update on my thread soon because I certainly don’t feel like we are all the way through this bad boy and I am not sure if I ever will (or if it’s even possible)