[Helpingme!]

Hello my friends

Been reading through a few post this morning. I would comment,  but I dont know your whole stories because I have not kept up.

I will speak of some of my issues.

I used to call myself a yoyo.  Because I allowed myself to be that yoyo.

I would start to heal, W would throw me a little bait, I would snatch it everytime. And quick too.

Off she would go again. Me?? Well I fell back into sad, then mad.
Both at her and myself.

She would text, I would answer in .58 seconds reply. Most of the time I couldnt just reply one message, I would hit 3 or 4. Acknowledging her little sappy text.  Say thank you, then more to say I'm stil here waiting. I'll be here whenever you need, then??? No replies.

Just my advice to any early ones, if they text you little things, I'm sorry,  I'm and a$$,  I did wrong, etc.  See it as just that, a text. Words!!!

Try not to text back. Text back 6 hours later with a simple thanks.

Dint jump at it. Please try and leave it as just words. Actions mean the most.  It takes months of actions to be a real improvement.  I mean little improvements.


As for regret on how we handle things?


Yep, your mind will go in all directions. We are wrong for standing or we are wrong for leaving.
Doesn't matter, we have to what we think is right.

I stood, mine is working so far.
I have really good friends on this site that stood and are still standing for years and it's not working atm. It hurts me dearly to see that.
Even as a standard, my mind says to tell them, leave his/her a$$ and move on.

I cant do that. It has to be their choice.

Same as the flip, I have friends that dropped months in. I support them too. They are happy. They moved on.

This is more of the GAL to me. Go search ourselves. You will get to a point when you heal enough, to think clearly and see your marriage as the best ever and grow stronger to keep standing and making yourself a better person.
Or, you will see the M had some flaws, and yes, you may grow towards moving on to a better life.

But  we have to heal, think clearly and see all of this.

We need to forgive, not for them but for ourselves.  Either way, standing or not.

Your relationship with your spouse will never work if they return if you dont.

It goes the same if you dont stand and find someone else.
If we haven't healed, the new relationship  will not work either. 


Take their Lala time as your free time, work on you. If you sit around and worry about them, and then if and I said if they return,  and you say well now I have to go heal and we can work it out?

It will not work. Be just like the crisis. 2 people needing someone and neither is stable to help.
JMO

My W yelled at me once when I was having a pity party and she screamed as loud as she could, I cant help you, I cant even help myself.  Please leave me alone. 

One thing I listened too, ha.

I could see the pain in her eyes, I knew that she could see my pain. But she was nowhere capable of doing anything  for me. 

If you are a stander, and you truly love your spouse. Go fix YOU.
Your spouse will need the healed YOU one day.

If not, the new and improved spouse will.
Either way, you are happy. You did all you could.


Have a wonderful weekend my friends

[FrenchHusband]

Great informations my friend ! I am so grateful that you post here and you provide all these insights. I am currently reading Acorn's thread and she is talking of reconnection as a road without detailed map. If the beginning of our stories at BD is very scripted, the road is different for every couple LBS/MLCer imo. But even if you don't provide a map, for me what you write is really helping, especially because you have a at-home-wife under MLC like me. Your honesty and your franchise help me alot.

I have 2 older brothers and I remember how it helped child-me to know that they have already passed through many things in life before me : go to school, learn a new language, practice a sport ? All that seemed possible to me "because big brother has done it before.
Please continue to tell us what you faced, what you did right and what you did wrong. For me you are like a Christophe Colomb explaining the journey's details.

[Acorn]

Helping!!!  A little bird (or 2) told me that you updated and am I glad that they did!  I very much appreciated your update.  We go back a long way, don’t we, supporting each other during our difficult times. 

It sounds like you and your ‘little fruit bat’ are chugging along at a slow and steady pace.  Well, that’s how it happened with us — NO expectations, count our blessings every day, no desire to extract my pound of flesh, no draconian ‘holding H’s feet to fire.’  No blood spilled and no burn victims!
….

You know we all talk about recovered MLCers.  And I suspect most here would define recovered as "remorsed and reconciled".

I can see how that might be the case for those who are still getting acquainted with the concept of midlife crisis.

Fortunately, as LBS regains emotional equilibrium, logic kicks in and understand “The MLCer’s recovery is just that: theirs. It’s an individual recovery, not a recovery of the marriage.” — Nas

In my view, the most helpful path to this desirable state of emotional equilibrium is through detachment.

I suggest that Detachment goes a fair bit deeper than a state of being where LBS is no longer rattled by MLCer’s words and actions. That is just the beginning — it could even be regarded as superficial — but, nevertheless, an important step which hopefully whets LBS’s appetite for detachment and encourages them to dig the depth of it.  Without a deeper level of detachment, one watches MLCer, interprets ‘signs’ that reinforce your confirmation bias, and continue to stand in the mistaken belief that a positive relational outcome is tied to the ending of crisis.  (Note: standing for marriage because of religious conviction is undisputed by me.)

I would like to suggest that a deeper level detachment would include objectivity, acceptance of reality, and refraining from conflating what you want to see happen in your marital relationship with what is a deeply individual process of crisis. 

[Helpingme!]

Acorn
Hello my friend. And yes, this has been a long while on this journey. The support I had , is a huge part of what helped me make it through it.

I'm glad i was able to come back and post. It was a big thing for me to just let things go. Carry on and live.
I will say at first i wanted the words so bad, for her to say I'm sorry, I didnt mean the things i said, im sorry for the A, and a very big one, I am in love with you again!  Lord, that one i wanted bad. 

Once my need for those went away, that is when I truly had my peace, and that was way before my W had any peace.

After the stage of little miss mean lady and she turned to the little fruit bat just hanging around all the time. I could see the pain she was in. She didnt have to say a word. Then and most definitely  now, I dont want her to bring any of it up. I dont need to re-live any of it.
Really not the crisis and all of its misery that came with it, but I dont want to see my W hurt any more, even it's for a 30 minute talk, that's too much. I've seen enough.

I see her smile daily, she laughs, has plenty to talk about every day.   I'm good. Shes getting better every day. 
So, all those words I thought I needed, she has shown them to me, not in a 30 minute conversation, but over days, weeks, and months.  I'll take that anytime over those words.

So good to hear from you Acorn.

Have a wonderful evening my friends.

[Curiosity]

Thank you so much for these updates, Helping! There’s so much wisdom and insight here. The two things that stood out the most to me were your comments about how those words you thought you needed, they aren’t necessary anymore when her sustained actions have shown you what you really needed to know; and Acorn’s comments about detachment.

Detachment is such a gift, honestly, when you truly get there - and it isn’t limited just to your interactions with the MLCer. It just feels like a rock-solid sense of your own self-worth, like nobody will ever be able to throw you into that place of shock and loss again. I don’t want to speak for others because we each have our own histories and coping mechanisms, but for me there was a lot of roller coaster riding - not just the ups and downs of W’s crisis, but my own emotions. I pitied her and then I was angry at her, sometimes I even thought I hated her, and then I just wanted her to not be so sad and lost anymore. I wanted her back and then I wanted her completely gone from my life, I wanted the uncertainty to end. And along the way, I plateaued several times in a place that I thought was detachment, but I think my brain was just exhausted. And GAL was the same way… seeking friends and deep conversations, picking up hobbies everywhere I could, desperately trying to make myself more “interesting.” Finally I reached a point where calm set in - I could keep the hobbies that felt meaningful, but I didn’t always have to be doing something every moment. I could accept that there was uncertainty all around me, but still feel sure of my path in life and my value as a human being. I could love and trust… and yes, there’s a bit of caution about trusting anyone too quickly, but there’s also recognition that trust and deep connections enrich my life.

None of us ever wanted to have to learn these lessons, but throughout this community there are examples of people who have built wonderful, meaningful lives regardless of the outcomes of their MLCer’s crisis. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Baxter1]

This detachment sounds like a great state of mind. I worry less and less about what W has going on and think more about my own thing. Sone of her words still sting, and it still bothers me that I was totally cut out if her life all those months ago. I’ve been told by others that you’ll just know You’re detached. The fact that I’m questioning it probably means thst I’m not quite there yet. I’m sure I’ll get there in my own time.

[Helpingme!]

Curiosity and Bax

I most definitely road the up and down and back and forth for a long time.
I was more like a bungee ride than a roller coaster.

I'm gone, then in a fraction of a second, hey I'm back.

It took awhile.

I'm not much on the stages, but to me my W was a stark crazy fruit bat and then went into depression.  Just looked at the walls. Didnt yall. Didnt do anything towards me.

That's when it was easier for me to detach. Her A had played out. No more monster. She didnt have the energy to battle with me anymore.

Couple years of that, and I was moving along. She started the hit and miss towards me, but I had reached a level of my journey to just keep going.


Oh I would acknowledge her moves. But not to the point if early on falling to my knees praising her 30 second rope she would throw at me and then snatch it back.

I just kept going and she slowly kept coming. Shes still working.

Bax, you will know my friend. Trust me.

Just stay steady as you are and keep moving forward.

Have a wonderful day my friends

[MadLuv]

Baxter- for me detachment brings on some understanding as to where they are. You feel a little numb to them.  So, now you can understand how they feel that for you. You see more of what they have done wrong then you did wrong. It’s not re-writing history as the MLCer does, but you drop those rose colored glasses and see everything a little more clearly. BD is a death and when someone dies you only remember the good ( as it should be) but with MLC with time you see the bad also. You see them as they are now  ( hopefully not forever) and so it is easier to not be with this version and move forward.

Thats how it is for me. It took a long time for me. The first year is the worst, 2nd year is much better, but still to focused on the why’s?? And third year, it’s ME TIME!! Some move quicker and some LBS move slower. Just like the MLCEr

[rosetintedglasses]

Help!

Great that you are updating, the site will appreciate it.

We’ve been friends throughout so it’s strange for me to see your entire journey like this. A privilege actually. Not that either, any, of us would want this journey.

I am so glad you have peace. That it has continued and that things are looking good. You deserve it so much. I must say thank you here for your support to me. Not only were you going through this yourself but you ALWAYS had time to check in on me. To support me. To be there for me. It saved me and I will always remember you being there. When my husband left it was you I privately messaged first. I knew you’d understand. And it was you who messaged back about ten times each day helping me through. You were there and I really appreciate it.

It’s a shame we both didn’t reach the prize of peace (yet..?). But I am so glad you did. It’s hard for the men, especially worrying about their children as the wife gets the first slot there and when they are in MLC that’s scary.

You privately messaged me by mistake at the beginning asking advice, you thought I was someone else on the forum - the best mistake ever!

For me hearing you say PA doesn’t mean anything is huge as that was really really hard for you at the time (obviously). Also interesting to hear you say W had depression for 2 years (is that what you said?) staring at the walls etc which would be liminality so she’s followed the stages. Only wish my H would, he is 7 years in too. And still in replay. I don’t think he’ll ever leave MLC. We were similar in our stories to begin with too. The paths are all so different. I truly feel like I’ve been tortured and still can’t believe any of it.

There have been a couple of wife MLCers who have come through, BBHELP too of course.

Also I remember you saying we were all going on a cruise one day…only one seat for me - but I’m up for it!

You are a wise one now, thank you for paying it forward.
Rose 🌹

[Helpingme!]

Rose
Hello my Sweet Friend

I think the name I thought I sent the message too was Rosecoloredglasses,  ha.
But, there's on one Rose,  and yes it was a mistake made that ended up being the best , ha.

Lots of chats and much, much needed support to get through this mess.

You know me, just a simple ole country boy, the stages, well I'm sure she is followed them all. Me?? I was looking for change every second.
Lord those times were rough.

It was when I quit looking that I could actually see the change. Like , hhmmnn she wasnt like that last year.

My mind still sees the overall as crazy wild, then depressed,  now shes slowing climbing a big ole mountain,  trying to get to the other side. 

She cant see me at the top, but if she hollars, I do answer her back. So she knows I'm there, but she knows it's her climb to finish.

Rose,  it's different writing things now, just as you said reading it. I looked back at some of my old thread post , and I was like, oh my. Let me get away from here.

I didnt look at things then as I do now.
Crazy, how much damage this mess does to us all. Lord help us.

The A, well then it was all me. I truly thought the OM was replacing me. My W loved him. Wanted a new life with him, blah blah blah.

No, it was just meaningless little meetings between two miserable people. Uugghh.
This took years to get here though. That peace disnt come overnight either.

My writings may sèem as I had this pretty quick, nope.
It took years. 7 years is a very long time.


Thank You Rose for always being there.

Your peace will come, I know it.

I'm always just a Thumbs Up away.

Have a good one my friends