[blackice]

Previous threads:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5180.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5288.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5381.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5492.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5600.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5643.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5688.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5730.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5784.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5847.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5930.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5973.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6060.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6141.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6196.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6256.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6457.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6674.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6724.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6826.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7001.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7091.0

the title is from the song Turning Tables by Adele

"Turning Tables"

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you (ooh)
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down, whoa

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning, oh




The idiot married the ow two days ago and they are already talking about annulment. Yeah, full steam ahead on the bad decision train.

[Hmmm]

Oh BI. I think we both knew this would happen. He seems so easily led.

Please don't let this ruin Xmas for you and the kids.
Xxx

[Chookie]

So sorry, BI. I can't believe he actually went through with it. But in a way, I think it's actually a positive step. He's talked about marrying her for so long, now it's done, it didn't work, maybe he can get her out of his system.

And what's the point of marrying someone if you're still married to someone else? What's that about?

Anyway, look after yourself. Xx

[UnconditionalLove]

attaching

[in it]

IMHO The only purpose it serves is to feed his ego..create drama and pain and get attention.

Again it's all about him.

I agree. Please don't allow him to ruin Christmas for you and the kids.

(((HUGS)))

[Thunder]

BI,

I'm so sorry he went that route.  Not surprising though.  Their both so screwed up.  At this point they deserve each other.   

How did you find out?  Did he tell you?  Now what will he do about coming back?  If he does where will he think he's going to stay?

Oh man..well BIG HUG to you.  I agree with everyone else, don't let this ruin Christmas for you and your kids.  He's not worth that.

[Thunder]

BTW, LOVE the song!   

[blackice]

Oh he told me. He had no choice cause if he wanted to say anything abouy annulments then he had to tell me he went through with it. Im not surprised he did this either.

Im not letting this ruin anything. Im not even crying over it. Im very detached other than the surge of anger i felt for about 30 minutes blast night.

Woke up to some texts from him. Again same old stuff, shes up to nongood, wanted to let me know she has an instagram again so i can block her and that he cant find it to let me know the name just that he saw she had one and her phone is locked again. I dont care. I just want a name so I can block it. Im tired of her stalking me.

[Thunder]

BI,

You sound good!!!

I think it just takes time and we get to a point where what they do doesn't effect us anymore. 
We can see the craziness.

[blackice]

Yeah its obvious the crazy. He is the definition of insanity. Repeating the same actions over and over again and expecting different results. He even said in the morning texts I got that all it ever does is go in circles and nothing changes. So he even sees it yet wont stop. So im done. Moving forward and not caring is the best thing to do.

I am an amazing woman and im loving and loyal and determined and i have goals and i deserve someone who sees this and isnt being and idiot. He and i were a good team, we had a real relationship and worked toward things together and supported each other. He knows what he gave up. Even hes not that far gone. I hope he crashes and burns and takes her with him. Full moon is in a few days. Im sure it will be an event.

[in it]

You are damn right you deserve better than this.

Circular conversations will get you no where. So stop having them with him.

[Ready2Transform]

He is not even close to seeing the power lies within to stop the cycling. I believe you'll know he's there when he seeks non-court ordered psychiatric help. He has a lot of issues, and he knows that, but as long as he runs from them, it won't get better.

The marriage hurts. Give yourself time and space to grieve. It punched me in the gut harder than I expected, but I'm okay now.

But be mindful of some things regarding the union, too. If it's not legal - how does this impact his probation? Because bigamy is a crime, and committing a crime while on probation may nullify the probation, correct? Does his probation officer know what's going on?

If it IS legal - transfer as many joint assets as possible right now into your name. Bank account will become half hers. House will become half hers. That's a lot of why these women do it. If you can get a text or email where he declares it to be yours - all the better, but not as legal as legally making it all yours. This is to protect what you've shared, and most importantly - the kids.

Have a backup plan if she suddenly starts pushing for visitation with the kids out there. Not to be scary, but we know from other threads here that sometimes they just do it to be mean to us, because they CAN. Go into mama bear mode.

[blackice]

His probation officer knows his love life is extremely complicated and he wasnt really happy about him getting married to ow cause he knows how unstable it is. He'll be off probation soon, well supervised probation at least. He will be on unsupervised. He isnt on my house stuff so no worries there and he will be taken off the bank account soon. As far as visitation goes, she isnt allowed near the kids. He has to come here or we go see him and he stays with us at a hotel. She hates them and they hate her.

Im not really upset by any of this. I thought I would be but im not.

Oh im not haveing circular conversations with him. Its him and ow that are going in circles. I end things when they get repetitive. I dont entertain his nonsense. Last night i hung up on him. I dont care anymore.

[blackice]

So I just learned that ow isnt even telling anyone they are married. Shes saying they are engaged. Showing off the ring her mom bought as her engagement ring. Thats low. I kind of feel bad for him a little on that one. What a b!tc#.

[Thunder]

Good BI,

He has finally done it.  Got you to a point where you have had enough and you don't care.  I feel sorry for him.
He lost something pretty special.

I think Ready is under the assumption that you two were married.  I know you are as far as your culture goes but not recognized by the states.  Right?

[blackice]

According to the law here we are legally married and needed to get a divorce before he married again. Even then hed have to wait 6 months after the divorce was final to get remarried. So yes he is legally my husband. Yes he is currently commiting bigamy. Yes our still legal statud is grounds for an annulment with ow.

But its his mess.

Hes been texting me all night and all day today. Full moon already staring his crazy. He told me if he decided to end it completely with her that he and i had to have a long talk about us. Well duh but im not even talking about it unless he actually does what he says and leaves her. Same old crap. Different day.

[Thunder]

Oh wow, so he married her while still married to you.  That's crazy.  He could go to jail for that.

I wonder if she knows this.

[Thunder]

BI,

I was just reading some stuff on common law marriages.  Not many states have that.
Did you know that if he marries it's null, not valid?  Interesting.   

[Thunder]

BI,

You have been on my mind a lot lately.  I hope everything is ok.

Please update us when you can....or even a hi so we know you are ok.   
XO

[Chookie]

Thinking of you too, BI. 

[FindingNemo]

I am here thinking of you, too.  Hoping you and the kids are okay. 

[blackice]

I know its been a while.

Just checking in to say everything is as ok as its going to be i guess.

As far as commonlaw goes, in my state its legal. He should have divorced me when i asked him to when he first moved out. Here itvhas to be a legal divorce then 6 months after the divorce is legal before he can remarry. So there's that. We are not divorced and still legally married ao any marriage to the ow is illegal and has no legs. Hes clinging onto thst because he's still here and not with her. Its been a bit crazy  as far as that is concerned.

Aa for me just trying to keep my head above water. My one job screwed me over pretty good so i had to get another job. Previous job owes me like $800 but wont pay me. So i reported them to the better business bureau, doubt that does anything though. My car broke down permanently so i had to get another one with some help from my mom. I just found out that my mortgage company has been stalling me on purpose on the hardship front and there is a class action suit against them over it so i may lose my house anyway. So two steps forward three steps back. Life keeps kicking me in the teeth but i keep trying. Feel like im going to drown eventually.

If i have time ill post more of the crazy but its not much different. H has just gotten more solid in certain things. Hes realized his relationship with ow is abusive. He ran away from her a week ago. It was insane. But me and the kids are fine. Just wanted to let you know.

[Hmmm]

Gosh, the finances sound really stressful-hope he's contributing somehow.

It's taken a long time for him to realise it was abusive. How long before they provide him with another flight to 'see the baby' though? I'm in awe of how you manage his cycling.

Hope you and the kids get to have some fun this weekend

Lovely to hear from you by the way xx

[serenity]

Sorry to hear that life continues to be so hard on you. It's unbelievable the amount of crap we have thrown our way.

It does go to prove how very strong you are but I do hope things turnaround for you very soon

X

[Chookie]

Hi BI, I've always admired your strength and patience with your H, but he surely has to get it soon that it's just another version of crazy, day after day.

Great to hear from you and I'm glad to know that you and the kids are doing ok, although your finances could do with a boost. 

Take care!

[Thunder]

BI,

Thanks for posting.  I've checked every day to see if there were any updated from you.

I'm glad you and the kids are doing good.  I'm sorry about all the financial stress.  I went through a period a few years ago where I didn't know where to turn, but now things have evened out.

I hope your new job helps and you can regain a little footing.   

[blackice]

H kinda fell off the sober train a few days ago. It wasnt bad but i saw it coming. At least he only had a few drinks. When he went back out there it didnt even last a week. Within 24 hours they were already at each othet again. It got worse as the days went on. Last day he was there they had a huge fight she told him she didnt want him in her life and all kinds of things, called him names, said some really horrible stuff and so he packed up and walked to the airport, bought a ticket with her money and came back here. She was livid, not about the fact he left but that he used her money. Which since a joint account is also his money but she doesn't see it that way. Tried to call the police on him and report his cars stolen but the bank told her um its his money too so you have no right to report anything. Shes since closed the account. Then when he landed here is when my car decided to break down on the freeway to go get him. So he had to walk all the way home. Did i mention this was all on the night of the full moon? Full moon hilarity for all.

So he's here now. For now. Who knows. D18 said some things to him on the phone while he was out there that also gave him the strength to walk out on ow. D18 is like the only person he listens to right now concerning things. He holds what she says in very high regard. Shes also a psych major so that gives her extra credit.

Some guy tried to hit on me while h was having his drinks, i thought h was going to kill him. He still wont stop talking about it. Kinda glad it happened cause hes thinking. But theres good progress with him as it may be. Hes slowly detaching from the abusive cycle hes been stuck in and standing up for himself and its not pretty to watch cause shes gone completely insane cause of it. Threatened to kill herself several times already. Tried to say she was going to put herself in the mental ward. All kinds of insane threats. He isnt falling for them anymore. So we will see how it goes. I just want him safe.

[MIMIx]

WHAT kind of crazy, messed up stuff has he been smoking? WOW!

Glad to hear that you are so grounded and taking good care of you and your family.
Keep on going strong!

[blackice]

Im so grounded nothing fazes me any more at all. You know while he was gone he tried to block me on his phone and it lasted like a whole ten minutes. That was funny. I wasnt even talking to him and he got mad.

[Thunder]

BI, I'm sorry about his drinking again but surprised it took him that long.

As long as you don't enable him he has to figure it out for himself.
I had to do that with my X (alcoholic) before we were married.  He got trashed and called me for a ride home at 2 in the morning and had no idea where he was..
Nope sorry I have to work tomorrow.  Hope you find a ride home.  CLICK!

That was 29 years ago and he hasn't had a drink since.

It appears your H still has a drama addiction with her.
Let him figure it out with no help from you.
They're both nuts.

You do sound good, just protect your heart.  How are your kids dealing with all this?

I LOVE that he used HER money to come back.  ha ha  Had me laughing, even though it isn't funny. 
He still has such a long ways to go.
YOU stay off their crazy rollercoaster.  It's not a fun ride. 

[blackice]

He is trying to detach from the drama. Hes getting better at it. He reakized he was enabling it. The more he pulls away the worse it gets with ow. I stay out of. Except for that time she got my phone number out of him and threatened to text me. I stayed awake for an hour waiting for her to try me. She never did. Shes a coward. She tried to tell him she did but he knew she didnt because he was sitting with me waiting lol

The kids are fine with everything. They are very well grounded and very loved. He doesnt ignore them and he always makes sure to stay in contact with them if he isnt here.

He isn't drinking really. It was one time which is amazing considering. He is very grounded in his sobriety. Its a huge change and hes been doing very well. I dont enable him with it anymore. Hes doing good.

[Thunder]

That's good to hear, BI.

Those addictions can be brutal.

I'm happy your kids are well adjusted and loved by both of you.  So many kids get very screwed up going though this.

Obviously his ow is afraid of you.   

[blackice]

Shes terrified of me lol

All i know is now i have his full permission to beat the hell out of her if i ever get a chance again. Shes lucky all i ever did was grab her face and shove her into a wall.

[blackice]

Oh hes completely manic today. Whatever is going on he's in a tailspin. Its stressful. Im trying hard to stay calm. Its S8s birthday, he is now S9 lol

I told him i didnt want to hear his mess anymore so hes trying hard to not say anything, hes been talking to his cousin and some fb friends instead. But he is angry and crazed. Something is going to give soon and its going to be ugly i can just feel it.

[Chookie]

Keep your feet firmly planted in the safety zone BI, then let the fall out land where it may. Let us know how things go. 

[Thunder]

Do you have any idea why he's so angry?   

Sorry BI.

[blackice]

Yes i now why hes angry and it has nothing to do with me. It all has to do with what hes done. Im letting him sort it out. He calmed down enough to have dinner and cake and presents.

[Thunder]

Well maybe that's the first stage of healing.  Getting angry at yourself for what you done.  Realize no one but you put yourself in this mess.
Now if he can take steps to fix it that might be a second step.

But good you stay out of it.   

[blackice]

It wouldnt be so bad if d18 wasnt being manic as well. I have two people tugging on me and driving me crazy. Her and h are both manic as heck right now. I think d18 might be showing signs of being bipolar. So its hard dealing with them both. Im tired. Hes been on a cleaning frenzy and working out. Hes driving me nuts. Im sitting in the car trying to avoid them both right now to save my sanity.

[Pixiegirl]

I found you!

I'm attaching !!!!

[blackice]

Me personally not having a good day. I keep crying. Ive been very emotional, like very unlike me to be this way.

D18 turned 19 today.

Im on the verge of completely turning my back on h. Just because i dobt want to deal with it anymore. He needs to live his life and leave me alone. Ill always love him but i am tired of all the limbo.

[Chookie]

BI, I'm not surprised you're tired of all his shenanigans. Start looking out for you. X

[blackice]

I have been. No worries there. Theres been a lot of non h related turmoil in regards to my sister and my mom that has had me upset lately. But its like i cry at everything and i am never like that. Last time i was all weeoy and overly emotional was after BD and when i was pregnant. So im trying to figure out whats going on with me. I may just be very exhausted.

[Thunder]

BI,

Mental exhaustion can do that to you.

It's a sign your body and mind need rest.  Somehow you have to find it or it will wear you out.

[Pixiegirl]

BI,
This happened to me too. It was like all of a sudden I had feelings again and I was crying over everything. Not just MP. In hindsight i believe that I finally let my guard down and was able to relax and not be the "robot" I had been  trained to be.

I didn't think I would ever stop crying but I did and I seemed to become very leveled out after that. It was also during this time that I avoided all contact with MP. It was certainly a turning point for me.

We I talked to MP again , it was very different . I couldn't even relate to him at all. I had changed.

[in it]

 Please listen to T and Pixie
You do really need to sleep..when you are not well rested things seem so much worse.
Sleep deprivation is not a good thing.

[blackice]

Im sleeping fine. My exhaustion is from my illness. I haven't been able to buy my meds in two months because of the whole pay screw up. Ive been on like half doses. If anything im sleeping too much on some days. Im also mentally worn out. The whole things with my mom and sister involves d19 and its just been awful. Its really worn me down. Im trying to take care of myself the best i can. For once h isnt my main concern, hes even being helpful which is nice.

Ill be ok once i get my meds again, which should be next week. I promise, i am taking care. But i do feel like i have let my guard down and theres been some flood of emotions from it. So i think pixie hit it on the head with that. Ive relaxed and am in a better place so i am not having to be so hard and robotic. I can breathe more. Ive come to terms with a lot of things. Its been good.

[blackice]

He must be feeling some kind of way. He fell asleep wrapped aroubd me like a child. I was working on something and he just laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and fell asleep. Stayed that way for hours. I kinda felt bad for him. It was something he hasnt done in a very long time.

[Thunder]

BI,

I hope you can get your megs soon.

We need universal health care.  Everyone should be able to afford medicine.

[blackice]

We really do. People keep telling me to go to the indian clinic but they are the whole reason i had to find an outside doctor because they refused to treat me properly. Indian health services has almost killed me at least three times. So wheb people are like dont natives get fre health care im like yeah but it's only good for shots and non threatening stuff. They told my uncle for two years he had the flu when he really had stage 4 lung cancer and he died. That happened to my grandpa too. They are pretty worthless as far as actual health care goes. So i have an outside doctor who fixed me and got me better now i just need to be able to afford him again. Its insane.

[Thunder]

Free isn't always good.

It's like getting a court appointed attorney instead of a good one who costs money.   

[blackice]

Checking in

Im amazing. My meds have been taken care of and i feel 1000% better. Like right now im happy and sitting with a smile on my face regardless of the fact I am in financial instability and may be homeless soon. Bank is still screwing around on me. Doesnt look good. H is still here. Still running in circles. I just let him chase his tail and worry about myself.

So im enotionally amazing, physically getting better, but still struggling money wise but I have faith it will work itself out.

[Chookie]

So glad you're feeling healthier and stronger, BI! It makes such a difference when you're able to think clearly.

Sorry about your financial situation. There's always something to stress about, isn't there? Good that it's not your H at this point. Leave him to it.

Thanks for checking in. Great to know you're doing ok. 

[Thunder]

I agree!

You sound much better. 

Just let him twist in the wind and look after yourself.   

[blackice]

Oh yeah i forgot to mention my 21st "anniversary" was on Valentines Dau. I did not mention it once but he kept bringing up our first one for some reason. Telling D19 about it. She took us to a movie that weekend cause h hadn't seen it yet.

[Thunder]

BI,
He must have very good memories of that anniversary.  : )

[blackice]

He cooked me dinner. It took him four hours to cook us steak and potatoes with corn. It was sweet. We ate at his apartment, which my mom and d19 live around the corner from so we pass by it all the time now. He gave me this bear that shook and blew kisses at you. We still laugh about it. We were just kids, i was 18 and he was 20.

Hes upstairs now sleeping off his feelings of rejection. Not from me. I feel bad for him a little.

[Thunder]

Aw, that was sweet.

I married my 1st H when I was 17 and he was 19.
3 kids, 3 years later we were way too young but we were happy.

UNTIL his MLC hit.   
He has since passed away but those sweet memorize still remain.

[blackice]

So I get the whole, i want to keep my freedom because i want to always be able to see you regardless of what happens.

Seriously.

I just looked at him and kept eating my pancakes.


I wonder what brought that on though. His sisters guy was just murdered two daya ago. She was with him before she married the abusive @$$hole she was with until a few months ago
 They kept in touch the wholw time she was with her now ex husband and got back together after she finally got away from him. I was talking to h about it and said its sad cause they wasted all that time. Now hes dead and they jusy got back together. Their son is named after me. So i don't know if that is making him over think things again or what. I just know its making me feel petty and im trying to behave.

[Thunder]

BI, sometimes truth darks are in order.

My X had this guy at work who had so many health problems ( and is happily married I might add).

I knew this but my X didn't know I knew.
When he told me about his friends serious operation coming up I said, "Does he have a wife and family?"
X said yes.   I said "Well, I'm happy he is not going through this alone."

It was just a gentle reminder that sometimes it's nice to have family to get through these tough times in life.
I know it was evil but they need to look at the whole picture.

Hope you're doing ok, BI.

[blackice]

Well im going to lose my house, pretty sure its inevitable. So im going to start packing and I'll be heading to my sisters in California. This makes h happy of course cause he put in his transfer and well he says he will get to see me and the kids. Cause once he transfers he wont be allowed to leave the state unless its to reverse the transfer and come back here.
Dont know when he's leaving or if he's leaving. He may decide he doesnt want the transfer. It may get rejected. Who knows. All i know is my time here is ending and he needs to figure things out quick.

Speaking of h, i got a lecture about staying away from men while hes away cause im still his wife...

Oy the insanity.

[Thunder]

I'm confused BI.

You're moving to CA and he is transferring down there too, right?
May I ask why you are not moving together if he gets his transfer?  Did I miss something?   

I'm terribly sorry about your house.   

[blackice]

Cause the OW is listed as his immediate family in California and thats the only way he could transfer out there so hes going to live with her and her mom. They break up at least once a week. Plus when i go out there im crashing with my sister and will basically be homeless until i can get enough money to get a place for me and my boys. Sucks.

[Chookie]

I'm so sorry about your house and having to move, BI.  We lose so much through this process.

Keep us posted about how things are going for you and your kids.

[Thunder]

Oh that is not good news BI.

He has to live with them.     
How does he feel about that?

[Thunder]

I just thought of something
You and your kids are his immediate family too.  He is their father.

Why couldn't he stay with you?

[blackice]

Well when I get out there and find a place to live that isnt my sisters couvh then he can. That is if he even makes it out there. He keeps saying he probably won't because they cant even hold a decent conversation for longer than 30 minutes. Its his own fault.

According to the law immediate family is wife or grown children. Well he didn't list me as his wife considering he married ow, regardless of the fact he and i are still married. The only grown children he has are SD 21 and D19 and neither of them have places of their own plus they both live here. And hes kinda stuck in his decision unless he decides to get an annullment from her and just not go. He only has a year of probation left.

He told me he honestly didnt care what happened with them over there cause hes almost detached himself completely amd if him seeing me blows it all to hell so be it  of course ive been hearing that line for atvleast two years now. He asked me if i beleived him and i said no cause youre still involved with her so no i dont believe you. I think its starting to sink in that thick skull of his that he may lose me if he lets this go on much longer. Who knows though.

[Thunder]

He sure got himself in a mess, didn't he?  It's like he's married to 2 women.

It will be interesting to see how he gets out of it.

Well you have your own problems.  I hope when you get down there you can find work and a nice place to live.
You deserve some peace.

[blackice]

Well he is married to two women lol im the only one whose actually legal.

We were sitting here eating breakfast just now and he looks atvme and says, by the way I guess im going to be a grandpa. Im 41 years old and im going to be a grandpa! SD20 just told him shes having a baby. Shes due in June and wanted to see if he was still going to be here so he could meet his grandson. This has him thinking of course cause he wants to see the baby. I think hes realizing how much of his life he lwdt behind. His mess up yet again of course.

But hey im going to be a grandma lol

[Thunder]

Well, congratulations!!  Grandkids are sooo fun.

I was a grandparent at 39.   

So will he be there?

[blackice]

I dont know. He has a lot of thinking to do. She has him so isolated from his loved ones and support and if he actually goes through with the transfer he won't be able to come back unless he reverses it. Probation laws on transfers are weird. I feel for him but its his own damn fault.

[Thunder]

Yes, you're right.  His own damn fault.

But I feel they HAVE to go through some real consequences to realize what they have done.
He needs to feel where his choices have brought him.

[blackice]

He has some weird competitve animosity towards d19 right now. Its ridiculous. Its like he worked really hard to make ows brother move out of the house they all live and and since he found out that finally happened hes transferred that weird fixation onto our daughter. Yes she wears me out cause shes constantly texting me or over here driving me crazy. He gets so weird about it lately and it pisses me off.

[in it]

He probably sees just about anyone as competition for attention. So he works to try to eliminate or neutralize them.

[blackice]

Whatever it was they worked through it. He got over it and she told him what she thought about it. All in all it went well. Cause she went home for a few days and he was already asking where she was cause he missed her so she came back for spring break. Though he is extremely needu right now. I basically have no alone time. He wakes me up, he's there when im cooking, when im doing practically anything. Like if im out of his sight for longer than 15 minutes im going to disappear. Flattering i guess but exhausting.

Other than that same old same old.

[blackice]

This month has been awful money wise. We are both trying to figure out how to pay the electric bill. Im already pushing it cause we got a cut off notice. Work disappeared for a bit and its picked back up again but that gap is really hurting us now.

Went to a local food pantry to get some food to last us for the next two weeks. The interviwer asked him if he was my husband and hebsaid yes. The interviewer then proceeded to tell him how he was lucky to have such a beautiful wife and how i was lucky to have such a kind husband and we are blessed with our family. H just sat there and smiled nodding his head. I wanted to punch him. Why? Because last time we were there back in December he told them we werent married and made me cry, but I just smiled and said thank you.

I do however love my crazy little family. We make each other laugh.

Oh and my sister I don't get along with and d19 lives with is pregnant. I feel sorry for the guy shes having a baby with and the baby. Why, cause shes just like OW. Yeah my h ran off and found someone justvlike my sister. Thats why I know how twisted this ow is. Ive been dealing with someone like her since childhood.

[Thunder]

Hi BI.

I sure hope you can get some financial relief soon.
Saying prayers for you.   

[blackice]

Well my electricity was turned off so we've been cooking on a camp stove and our neighbors have let us run an extension cord between our houses so we can keep our refrigerator running. Its been like camping but in my own house. Went and applied for help today to see if we can get it paid. I think h and i are hitting rock bottom together. Its weird. We are very strangley together in all this and working together to get out of it. It has made him realize that none of this would have happened if he hadnt gone off the deep end and made the decisions he did. He realizes if he had never left we would be ok. I think thats why hes fighting so hard to help. He called himself my knight in shining armor i told him to shut up. We laughed. But in the end, i think him being here for now has been a tremendous help. Now if only he could figure other things out in his life that would be great lol

We have bee  taking S9 to the skateboard park almost every day. We just sit and watch him learn new tricks and listen to music and talk and forget about our troubles for a few minutes.

Things will work out. I just have to keep believing.

[Chookie]

Sorry, BI. I hioe you can get some assistance soon. Nice though that you and your H have been working together so well. 

[blackice]

Thanks chookie, I guess h had found a site where people can ask for help and someone contacted him yesterday and they paid our bill. So we have power again. It was a very nice lady, he showed me all the emails. We had applied for assistance but never heard back from them and im glad someone helped because we were going on three days with no power.

[Thunder]

That's wonderful BI.

Nothing better than helping out someone when their down and out.  Bless their heart.

[Chookie]

  xx

[blackice]

Well his transfer was approved so he can leave whenever he wants. She was adamant about him buying his own ticket before but now she's all oh I'll get you one. He told her no. They are constantly talking about divorce and lately he's been talking about how me and him are still married and hes going to buy me a new ring and im his wife blah blah blah. I mean i believe him but there's no way to move forward while he still is clinging to that fantasy out there. Its a slim hope he has but its still there. I dont know. I know that during his time here we got close again so it's going to be hard to see him leave, if he does leave but i know I'll be ok. I just wish none of this was happening.

[Thunder]

Well BI,

This is where the rubber hits the road.

He either will go back to his delusional fantasy or he won't.  His choice.

Just remember words are cheap, actions are what you need to see.
I hope it all works out for you.  You have been through so much.

[Chookie]

Well BI,

This is where the rubber hits the road.

He either will go back to his delusional fantasy or he won't.  His choice.

Just remember words are cheap, actions are what you need to see.
I hope it all works out for you.  You have been through so much.

Totally agree with this. You've been through a hell of a lot, BI.

Take care! 

[blackice]

Is it weird that i feel content. Like i have this strange feeling that everything is going to be ok. I'm happy. Regardless of the struggles i am going through right now I'm content. I feel like i can withstand anything and be fine. I think it really makes people uncomfortable that i am so calm anymore. Its kinda funny.

Oh and ow is still stalking me so i do small things to piss her off for mg own amusement. H has my back on it and has been defending me to her. Which is also hilarious. She tries to call me fat and he tells her have you looked at yourself lately, you have no room to be saying anything about anyone's weight. Honestly I'm thinner than she is now. Karma baby.

[Thunder]

BI,

That's very telling that he is defending you to her.  You have played your cards right and he doesn't see you as the enemy anymore.
Just sit back and let her hang herself.   

[blackice]

Which is exactly what im doing. I remember telling her at the beginning i didnt have to do a thing cause she will ruin everything all on her own.

H has been reading things on support groups for people involved with narcissists and sociopaths. I did not show him this but my truth bombs lwd him there. His eyes are opening more than i thought.

[blackice]

Full moon right.

I left my phone home, while i was gone he went through my phone. He found a giant truth bomb and it sent him off. He went through my email, my tumblr, my instagram, all my messages and my facebook. In my facebook he saw a post ibmade in a closed group of friends that i had written two days ago about ow stalking me and having no safe spaces because of it and how she uses what she finds to abuse him with and how im stressed about money and everything im going through. Two male friends, gay at that, came and talked me down and listened to me and i guess h didn't like that. I said well i cant talk to you about it. I had to let it out somewhere. He threw a fit. Truth hurts doesn't it. He later said reading that made him realize he caused me a lot of pain. That i should be able to talk to him about that and not anyone else. I mean we had it out. He tried to monster at me and i stood my ground.

Its been exhausting with him lately. Hes been fighting the sadness. I told him he had to face it and stop running. He is actually listening to me. Hes also realizing ow is a narcissist. Its a process. Hes supposed to leave mid may but who knows. I see him cycling through stages. Hes changed so much and its amazing but he still needs to cut that cord of the emotional abusive relationship hes been in. At least hes been reading on it and helping himself. Hes defending me a lot and im not the enemy anymore at all.

Wherever this goes and whatever happens is up to the creator. Ive let go and have no control and i don't worry about it. I love him. Hes my husband. He knows this. Its all on him.

[blackice]

Oh and he finally told ow their marriage isnt legal and its void cause we never divorced. He said you guys took advantage nof my messed up mental state and convinced me that my marriage wasnt real when it is. Commonlaw is legal in Oklahoma and since they recognize it as a legal marriage ita a legal marriage in every state and just because you guys have no respect for my cultural traditions, because we were married according to our ways, that doesnt mean it wasnt real. So he told her their marriage was void. She refuses to listen. Its a mess but im the only legal wife. If he files for an annulment from her she will have to get a paternity test to even file for child support. Karma.

[Thunder]

She can refuse to listen all she wants, doesn't change the law.   

[blackice]

Hes definitely cycling through some earlier stages but it doesn't last long. Maybe a day or two at most. He can't unsee what he's discovered, can't lie to himself anymore. He gets angry a lot because of that but lets go of it pretty quickly. Its exhausting to watch.

[blackice]

H and d19 got into a huge fight. She told him he was a jerk ans needed to stop treating me like trash. It was a small incident that got blown up and got ugly fast. She had yelled at her brothers to be quiet and was frustrated about changing her insulin pump site and h thought she was yelling at me and overstepping her bounds with her brothers so he yelled at her then yelled at me and she got mad and went at him and ran off down the street in the middle of the night. I had to go look for her and my mom eventually came and got her so she didnt have to be around h. It was awful. They were both in the wrong. H will get over it but d19 is vowing to not speak to him again unless she sees hes really changed and stopped talking to ow. She thinks h has a problem with her and doesn't like her. Its a lot stemming from all the chaos from growing up with him being an unstable alcoholic. I told her deep down she knows her dad loves her and to not completely shut him out. He does love her, he just doesnt understand her because he never really paid attention until now. They have always butted heads because they are alot alike. I hope she calms down and rethinks things but until then im going to have to keep them at a distance from each other.

I told him that he needs to think about it too. He says hes feeling sad cause he leaving and won't see us for a very long time. I said well you wont and even when you do see me and the boys d19 wont be there so who knows how long it will be until you see her again. Shes your kid and its part of being a parent to fight with your kids. She hates it when you yell at me. She thinks you hate her.

We've been through this before and they both eventually make up but she's really angry and i worry. Id hate to see all the progress theyve made rebuilding their relationship fall apart over something so stupid.

 

[Thunder]

BI,

I don't understand why he is even leaving.
Does ow still have that much control over him?

Sorry about your D and him getting into it.  That's tough to watch when you love them both, but I guess they have to figure it out.   

[Chookie]

Sorry he's still running, BI.

BI,

I don't understand why he is even leaving.
Does ow still have that much control over him?

Sorry about your D and him getting into it.  That's tough to watch when you love them both, but I guess they have to figure it out.   

I don't get why he's leaving either. She really must have a hold over him. 

It's hard with the kids isn't it, but at her age your D19 can handle your H. She sounds like a good kid.

Following along BI. Take care. 

[blackice]

His plans on leaving change hourly. Its insane. He's in a toxic abusive narcissistic relationship. She has hoovered him and gaslighted him so bad when he first came here he didnt know what was up and what was down. Hes been reading and now recognizes the signs of all these things and is able to resist them more. His crutch is he isnt able to resist arguing with her to prove he isnt crazy. So he tell her to never contact him, she won't text for almost a day then shoots him something to set him off. He still has that stupid sliver of hope because he doesnt want to think he was that gullible to be sucked into a relationship with a sociopath. Its hard to watch and its a little pathetic but he also has been so manipulated he has a lot to untangle himself from.

So who knows what he's doing. He says the same thing you guys do, why the heck am i even thinking of going back over there. Even he doesn't know.

[blackice]

 He's so angry. Its hard for me not to tell him off. He's being ridiculous. Its not my fault you make bad decisions. The trauma of his relationship with ow is rearing its head. Hes so used to being blamed and demeaned he thinks everyone is going to do it. It's exhausting. Thats all i have to say about it.

D19 is sick, which explains a lot of her behavior last night but im not saying anything to him about it cause he will say im making excuses when its just a fact. Her ketones are up in her system and she may have to go to the hospital if they don't go down.

Hes just being a giant @$$hole.

[Thunder]

I've never heard of that before.
I thought ketones go up when you are lacking carbs.

Sorry H Is being an A@@hole.    

[blackice]

Shes type 1 diabetic and on an insulin pump. Her pancreas does not function at all. It started acting up the night her and h fought. She was in the hospital today to get some saline drips to bring it down. Shes ok. She has no lack of carbs lol girl eats like a horse.

H has been very nice today. He was thinking a lot about what happened between him and d19. Plus some thing he and i hashed out earlier, he was still upset about what he read on my phone. He said he realized that i shouldnt have to feel like im in second place and that he sees he's not been available to me to talk to and it wasn't fair. Just to add, he and I have had some very honest conversations since he's been here. Hes admitting things to me he never would have before and i already knew but him telling me is huge. And also he remembers things he did and said to me before, during, and affer bomb drop. So yes they know exactly what they are doing and if they change they do regret it and feel remorse about it.

Its been an emotional couple of days to say the least.

[Chookie]

Sounding good BI, but no expectations, ok? Take care. X

[Thunder]

How's your daughter doing, BI?

[blackice]

She's ok. She's still a little nauseous but she's off to classes today so she is fine. They gave her two huge bags of saline at the hospital and that helped a lot.

No worries chookie. I dropped any expectations i had a long time ago.

[Thunder]

 

[Chookie]

Hey BI, just checking in to see how you're doing. Check on if you get a chance, ok? 

[blackice]

Omg i didnt realize its been so long since i posted.

Quick summary of events i guess is in order:

Got a new job, part time but it pays good. Been on training for it for the last four weeks. Working that and my other part time job. Kids are out of school for the summer so D19 has been helping me watch her brothers. SD21 had her baby. So I have a grandson now.

H went to Cali. Been there for a month. Is now texting me he wants to come home. Of course he's been saying that since three days after he left. Not holding my breath. Though things get worse by the day for him. He is a mess.

Will let you know more when and if anything happens.

For now i am just living my life and getting on my feet. Praying that everything goes how it should.

[serenity]

Good to hear you're doing ok blackice.

X

[blackice]

I am. I'm happy and I know I am going to be just fine. That two year mark really is a turning point if you have let go.

That time he was here was a huge reconnection period. Lots of seeds were planted. Even if he did leave again I wasn't bothered and I had faith that things are as they are supposed to be. Just have had a lot of faith in the process and in the creator. H has even said this whole thing was needed in a way for him to realize he was really happy with me and our life together and its been a huge lesson. So lets see. He's texting me right now, telling me he's reversing his transfer tomorrow and coming home. Again, we shall see. I never expect him to follow through because he hasnt yet.

[Hmmm]

Lovely to hear from you BI. Glad you're sorting your finances out and sounding really positive.

Your story illustrates the pull of the OW and the fog so well. He knows he can't stand her but goes back anyway. You have been so calm and mature throughout. The affair has to run its course though. I keep having to remind myself that there's nothing I can do except live the best life I can.

We too have massive reconnections every month when he visits. It's keeping me on the rollercoaster though so I've decided not to be here at his next visit. I'm hoping to detach but with compassion as mine had an awful childhood with death and abuse like yours. Not murder though. I can't imagine how awful that must've been.

Stay strong and have fun with your lovely kids and the new baby
Xxx

[UKStander]

Joining, to wish you good luck, BlackIce. There are some fascinating insights into the mind of the mlc-er in your story.

UK

[Thunder]

BI,

So good to see you post again.  I was getting worried, but you sound very together, I must just say.   

Yep, actions speak louder than words.  Let him figure it out with NO help from you.  You've bailed him out enough.
It's time for him to stand on his own 2 feet. 

Congrats on the new grandson.   

Hugs

[blackice]

I've been meaning to update for the longest time but my life is very busy anymore. I work a lot. Right now i work days and nights while im training so I am basically never home. One more week and my schedule will even out and I can rest a bit. I do like my new job. Good pay and good hours plus I can work from home if I want to and I can transfer out of state when I do move. Things are finally looking up for me at least.

H is in constant contact as usual. His NC he put in place when he left lasted less than 24 hours. He keeps saying he should be with me not her anymore. They dont even sleep in the same room most of the time. Its bad over there but that was his choice. I remind him that. He chose it.

[Chookie]

Hi BI, I've been off the air  for a few weeks. So glad to see you posting. What's the new.job? Sounds good and you sound really grounded.

Hope things keep moving positively for you.

Take care 

[blackice]

Hey all it's been a while since I have updated. Life has a way of going on and you get busy and you move on.

I lost my house. Had to put it up for short sale before they foreclosed on me. The boys and I moved into an apartment down the street. They are nice but still a little more than I can afford. Still working my part time job and started working from home for a health and wellness company. Doing ok but still tight on money and wishing for it to be better soon.

H and I still talk every day. I've seen him twice since he left. I was supposed to bring him home with me both times but his PO messed up the transfer and I couldnt stay because of work for him to get it fixed. Basically could get him home now but neither of us have the money and his window to leave is closing soon. Ow makes sure he never has money and is still as abusive as ever. In fact she's worse than she was. He is having to sneak away to get out because he is afraid she will try to harm him if she finds out he's leaving. He's already almost died once because she refused to get him medical treatment. His eyes are wide open now. Its sad really because all he wants to do is come home and he cant get here. The situation is so volatile where he is its a genuine safety concern but my hands are tied and hes stuck because of the financial abuse on top of the physical and emotional abuse.
He got mixed up with an actual narcissist. I wouldnt wish that hell on anyone.

Me I'm in a good place. I live my life. I do what I want. Im happy. Do i miss him, of course i do. Do i want him home, we both do. I wish he could get out of the hell he put himself in. Im not going to let it stop me from what im doing though.

[Passiflora]

Hi Black,
sooo good to hear from you too, I just read Pixies update. Sounds like your xh is waking up to reality, which is good in a way. He has to feel these consequences before he can change into a "new" person.

I'm happy for you that things are starting to calm down from all the drama you had to live in.

Hugs

[Pixiegirl]

Hi BI,
I am glad to hear you are moving forward and in a good place. It sounds like H has his hands full and is right in the muck of everything he created. That's got to be hard to face.

I need to catch up on your thread. If I remember correctly, he had a baby with her and wound up marrying her?

[blackice]

Yeah he did, however the marriage is illegal so he is going to file for an annulment. The child he isnt even sure is his sadly. From what I hear that child is a nightmare and just like its mom.

But yeah emotionally I'm good. Financially could be better. Kind of short $300 this week for the rest of my bills but hoping I can come up with it somehow. The move sucked up any extra money I had so I've been struggling for about a mobth now trying to get back on my feet. Other than that its evened out. I found my center and my strength again and marched forward cause there is no sense in looking back because it can't be changed.

[Chookie]

BI!! 

I haven't been posting much but was so glad to see your update. Sorry things don't seem to have changed much for you.  What a crock it all is.

Following along. 

[Thunder]

Hi BI,

I'm glad to hear you are feeling more centered.

He will eventually need to deal with his mess, but it's his mess to fix.

You sound good!   

[blackice]

I am. I am actually feeling really great, I'm happy and feel in control of my life for the most part. Things could be easier but I think that will take care of itself in time. I love my job and am just focused on me and my family. I came back because I wanted to let people know eventually, regardless of how things turn out, we will be ok. With or without our spouse. Right now mine is playing catch up. He will get there eventually but that's on him. Me I just let go and let god guide me to where I feel I need to be. Ever since then things have been so much easier.

[blackice]

hey all, long time no check up so my thread is in the inactive bin. If someone can link the posts I have to this one I would appreciate it. Thanks!

H is home. No contact with OW for a week and deleted her number and everything from his phone. He packed up and walked out the door and came home. So reconnecting and rebuilding. I'll post more later!

[Thunder]

OMG blackice , I have been thinking about you a lot lately.  Wondering how you are doing.

Please update when you can.   

[bipolared]

Wow, congrats BI!  We were sort of in the same "class", if I remember correctly.  Hope things continue to go well, so happy for you!

[Savoir Faire]

Wow Blackice, details please of HOW he came home.

You will need a lot of strength for this.  I think we are on a similar timeline.  I used to post on your thread often.

[blackice]

I went dormant and didnt want to talk bc I was afraid none of this was ever going to happen. We'd been trying since last October to get him home and every time something stopped it so we both stopped trying. He was going to finish his probation out and then return in June. Until then it was a waiting game. We kept talking, he kept detaching from OW. They didnt even sleep in the same room and he avoided being home for as long as he could to stay away from her. She became even more abusive and controlling. Then she wanted another baby so she could go on welfare cause she doesnt want to work but she also would sabotage all Hs jobs so he wasnt even making a living wage. Lie to him for money for bills and then spend it on going out with her friends.

So anyway, he detached. He talks to her grandmother easter weekend and lets her know the entire truth of everything. Grandma thinks OW is a moron. Grandma drops the bomb on OW in front of the entire family Easter Sunday. OW tells H to leave and she doesnt come home for three days. H in meantime calls po gets his transfer approved and im out there getting him and he packs up and leaves. All the while OW is still pretending to her mom, who they live with, that nothing happened and didnt bother to tell her that they broke up even though she told H she had told her mom. her mom tries to get him to come back but we were half way out of state and he told her to shove it it was done and to leave him alone. No contact since last thursday afternoon.

We are now home. He's relieved but sad and angry. Theres a lot of emotions. He is being very honest and very transparent. Letting me know that yeah he did have feelings but not anymore for OW because he knows it was all a lie and not real. He's filing for an anulment and a restraining order. Its weird bc ive been on my own for so long but he's already been a huge help and the kids are happy to see him. Just have to get to know each other again cause we have both changed. So i will post more since I have hit a new milestone in all this madness. Im happy but apprehensive. I want it tonwork. I waited this long for this and I want it to work. So lets see how this goes.

[Savoir Faire]

Wow Blackice, such good news.  What a turn-around from the man who left you!!

I always thought he had the potential to come home but you need to be really steady during this time and be good to yourself.  Remember how you are a different person now and really don't need him so don't put up with too much nonsense,  I can only suppose you are a mix of happy/wary thoughts right now.

Please keep posting, this will be a good place to vent while you are reconnecting.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))

[Thunder]

I just hope to God he is finally done with all that craziness.

I'm sure it will take him time to calm down and feel comfortable again.
Give it lots of time, BI.

[blackice]

I will. No rushing. This is a time to heal and see what happens.

Its funny i remember reading somewhere they follow us on our journey just slower. He did the exact same steps I did to save myself from his crazy to get away from ow.

[OldPilot]

Blackice

Just be aware the crisis is not over it is just past the beginning at this time.

Keep your boundaries in place - you are doing fine.

[Passiflora]

Hi BI,
So good to hear from you. I was also thinking about you the other day, OK I admit maybe a little bit more about what your "crazy one" was doing now! 

I agree with Old Pilot and once again it's so nice to have you back.

Hugs

[blackice]

Definitely have my boundaries in place. I do appreciate his complete honesty right now. Still its only been a week. He has been cleaning like crazy to stay busy and talking up a storm.

[nah]

Another example how MLC can take a very long time.

You're an amazing woman, B.

[UnconditionalLove]

Good to hear from you Black! Glad to see you things are working together for you and your family.

[blackice]

I've learned a lot of patience and that I can not control everything.

I've also learned what unconditional love is and how to forgive but not forget.  Its been a learning experience. One of the most painful ones but regardless the outcome I'm better in spite of it.

Still piecing my life together but he's willing to be part of it for now. I don't put any permanence on the current situation bc who knows what may happen. We both want to be together and work things out. Hopefully that happens.

[Savoir Faire]

I do hope you get what you've wished for Blackice.  When we join this forum, we are standers and many remain that way.  It would be tragic to be spooked by him at the very end of the crisis but it can be the most challenging time for us too.

[blackice]

Its very hard to not think he's going to walk out again. His head is definitely still spinning. However he is mostly angry about ow and at ow and how he fell for a lie. There's a lot of anger there.

There's also a lot of remorse. Its not the guilt like it was at the beginning when he first left. He's had time to process that and think about it. Its hard. Its going to be hard.

[OldPilot]

Its very hard to not think he's going to walk out again. His head is definitely still spinning. However he is mostly angry about ow and at ow and how he fell for a lie. There's a lot of anger there.

There's also a lot of remorse. Its not the guilt like it was at the beginning when he first left. He's had time to process that and think about it. Its hard. Its going to be hard.

This is called OW withdrawal and depression.
It happens at the end of REPLAY and preceeds  depression,  withdrawal and Acceptance phase.
Don't bail him out or enable him.
The last thing you want to be is OW #2

[blackice]

Yeah i need to reread all that info again.

Ow broke no contact just now. H just put his fb on public a few hours ago. She started bombing him with texts about the oc. I said so why did you even bother answering her. You know this is bs. I'm not happy about it. He said don't worry i made it clear we are over and I'm gone. Yeah but shes also a psychopath narcissist who isnt done torturing him yet. I dont know.

[Savoir Faire]

Remember he doesn't know why he does things either, he still can't explain the affair so he still needs space to end things on his own.  This is a good time for firm boundaries and lots of listening but no judgement from you.

We are here to listen, don't fight with him or expect rational explanations from a broken man.

((((((((Hugs))))))))

[blackice]

Im not fighting with him. He showed me the texts. I didnt ask to see them. He was very upfront. Its still just irritating. Ill get over it. I'm giving him his space to work it out. Its just a bunch of stress I wasn't prepared for. Plus I need rent cause my job cut my hours so bad this month I can't pay my rent. He paid his way back here. I'm just kind of wanting to throw up. I'll be ok.

[Savoir Faire]

If you are short on money could you try contacting the person looking after the property to arrange something? They won't toss you out on the street very lightly and contacting may give you some breathing space for a week or two.

The next few months are going to be tough but remember that it will be worth it after he's completed his crisis and acting like the old H you knew with a few improvements.

I'm sure it's worth it and hopefully this will be the last time you have to feel so bad and the future is bright.  How good this is going to be for the kids too

[OldPilot]

Bump

[UrsaMajor]

Oh man. You resurrected this one from the depths of the archives. .....

[FaithWalker]

I don't understand what's happening here?

[MadLuv]

I had messaged blackice and asked if an update was possible and she said she had wanted to but didn’t know how to being back the thread, so I asked. Hopefully she will give an update

[FaithWalker]

Ahhhh, thank's for the clarification!  I love it when former's come back and update.  I hope she is doing well!