[Treasur]

Last f 2 f was Oct 16.
Last contact...idk...think I got a rage mail with a side order of sadz 'how did we get into this mess' about May/June 18 sometime? (Healthy that I don't recall, I think  )
But to be fair, I went NC then to stop the nasty ow notes so it would be difficult if not impossible for him to contact me now.

What I do notice is that some bit of me is really bothered by his upcoming birthday next month, a special number.
My head says it is respectful of his wish for you to let go to do nothing and it is sensible for your own healing to accept that it is not appropriate for you to send a birthday gift to someone else's' h or open that NC door.
Yet a tiny bit of me worries that - if there is any original left in there - it will hurt him if I don't acknowledge it and remove any slight chance of ever getting some acknowledgement or apology in return which a tiny bit of me craves.
Ridiculous though.
I won't. My head will win bc respect for his choice and self-respect for my wellbeing is too clear a reason. But I do see that there is a tiny itch....isn't that strange?

[FreeToChoose]

Wow Treasure. I’m so glad you wrote that, because I’ve had those same exact thoughts. My logical side always wins out, but in the back of my mind I worry about how he is perceiving my silence. 

[CallingHeart]

If you have 5 minutes and 24 seconds to watch this, and even if you've seen it before, it's always worth watching again. 

Madea - Let Them Go

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CTPzXwNVc9g

[nah]

I wish Hero's Spouse had a "Like" button. 

[Anjae]

True. But, at first, all LBS want the MLCer back. Later, some still do.

The MLCer is not someone whose name we will not remember 3 or 4 years down the road, and MLC is different than normal breakups.

That said, I loved the having peace in our house and if it is not there, something is wrong/not worthy. Also loved "I rather be by myself with a puppy and with a goldfish and be happy than be sitting around with somebody in my house wondering what they are here for". Replace the puppy and goldfish with books and films/TV shows and that is me. 

[sparklestar]

Following along.

Last contact I had was a year ago and 5 months ago that was a v brief meeting re divorce stuff. All other communication until nearly a year ago was via a solicitor when divorce was finalised. Nothing since.. Before then there were only ever a few times we had contact since the day he left in Sept 2016 literally I could count on one hand..

[Nas]

My vanisher heard that my father died last week and on Wednesday night I got a message from him. (Messenger is the only way we can communicate since I don’t have his phone number and he doesn’t use the only email address I have for him). I’m still dealing with details of my father’s funeral and cleaning out his apartment, etc, and don’t want to add any possible extra emotional exhaustion. I haven’t opened or read the message and I don’t even know if I will, at least not for a while.

I can see the preview and what I can read is about me and my relationship with my father. So it’s maybe a step up from 3 weeks ago when I sent him a message telling him my mother died and his initial response was an empty “sorry to hear that” followed by an obligatory question about my health.
But I’m not ready to see where the rest of the message leads. I’m pretty sure it’s just a few lines of the kind of condolences you send to just anyone who loses their father.

[Treasur]

When my mother dies (and she loved him rather better than his own mother for 18 years) I wouldn't bother telling him. Or if I found out I was seriously ill again. Or anyone else he used to care about died. I simply don't believe he would give a s$it and it wouldn't do anything useful for me. But how sad and shoddy a human being does that make him after 18 years....And to be fair, I assume that no one in his family would let me know if he was knocked down by a bus tomorrow as they discarded me and ghosted me too.

My strength lies in not denying the reality that all of them decided I was not worth anything to them any longer. But imho that says much more about how damaged they all are than about me or my family as it was when my h was a much-loved and respected part of it. But they don't get to be in charge of the reality of my past, my family, my m or who I am. F em I say....until the karma bus fairy does her job lol.

[Nas]

Agreed. It adds a layer of confusion that my MIL does reach out. And H reached out 2 hours after MIL, so obviously she told him about my father as soon as she found out.

[Rising Phoenix]

Sorry to hear about your mother and father nas. I don’t know if I would tell h if one of my parents passed. I don’t even know if he would reach out if he did know. I don’t think I would open a message either as if it was just a message that h would sent an acquaintance, I would feel more hurt on top of grieving so I understand your reluctance to open the message.  I believe messenger shows when someone has read your message so your h will know you don’t wish to read it. Xx