Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: AlvinTheMaker on September 17, 2019, 06:30:52 AM
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Just something my recent session with IC got me thinking... She told me I'm very upbeat person. And this was not the first time my IC said so, she said it last time as well.
And it got me thinking... I've noted few folks here saying their therapists have said the same. And when reading stories of others, I do notice how upbeat many of us LBS are.
So the question I got in my mind.... How have so many of us LBS become as upbeat persons as we are? Is it the nature of LBS to be upbeat from the start (i.e. we have been upbeat person all our lives)? Or do we become upbeat as we learn to become "become best of us"?
My story so far is likely the usual - I don't know which way is up or down... I personally feel I've been upbeat person most of my life. I've gone through a lot of hardships in my life, but I've never lost my faith to goodness of man or myself. Life has been rough and tough, and I have complained and struggled, but I've never given up of my internal smile (apart of crash & burn following BD).... But the story my W keeps on feeding to me is different.... I've come to realize this is likely a matter of perspective (or skewed version of it).
Just curious. How it goes with rest of you.
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I was always an upbeat person too. That never changed with his crisis.
I think people just are or their not, it's part of your personality.
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Yup, always been pretty upbeat....but I honestly think the “difference” you are looking for is resiliency.
It’s not that bad things haven’t happened, it’s that I have worked my way through enough bad things to know that there is a role in the outcome that I play...and always something I can do or choose or affect.
The funny thing is...I feel as though we are kind of a half broken half fixed hybrid. Ie if we didn’t have some codependent traits and childhood wounds we wouldn’t have even been attracted to our spouse.
They seem to have much more unresolved wounding than us.
If we were completely whole and didn’t need any healing or work...they would have never tried to use us to fill their missing pieces and neither would we.
So for me that’s a fairly good sense of self...with 3-4 issues I tend to personalize and think are all about me or shame myself for. Hence the fairly positive outlook....MLCer in my opinion has almost a completely negative outlook...and at some point they just realize everyone but them is happy and they deserve to be happy...what’s making them unhappy....their beliefs about themselves and whose responsibility it is to change those beliefs.
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Yup, absolutely.
IC said I'm the most upbeat person he's ever met.
Being upbeat is a great thing, and people are attracted to it like a moth to a flame.
-SS
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What does 'upbeat' mean to you, Alvin?
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What does 'upbeat' mean to you, Alvin?
You ask so complex questions, Treasur. Lol. But if I do my best to summarize gazillion things, I would say it boils down to viewing the world around us mostly in positive light. Kind of like having inner smile with you all the time
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Thanks, Alvin. Just wasn't sure if there was a US/UK translation lol.
Yup, was always a pretty upbeat person...part of what I struggled with in my situation actually bc suddenly the world made no sense to me....but as I have started to recover, it is coming back which is lovely. My former h was always more negative in outlook than me, more cautious probably....
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Interestingly enough, I was an upbeat person until the gaslighting started and then I found myself angry and not understanding why. I mitigated it with going in seprate cars to places when XH and I went places. After BD and a few months, I'm back to upbeat me. I was noting as I sit here at my lunch hour at 3, that I don't make it to lunch at a normal time because I love my job. My desk is surrounded with homemade Harry Potter banners and remote controlled hanging candles. People love to ask for my help and help me at work. Life is grand.
I think back to that time when XH had already checked out but said he hadn't and remember my confusion at not being my normal me. Did anyone else experience a "not normal you" time leading up to BD?
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Sadly, if I am honest about myself, I could be excluded from upbeat group. I love "upbeat" people but I am confused by them at times. I feel like I almost stare at them. lol!. I know people who have had horrible circumstances and yet seem to rise above and appear happy , outgoing and positive. Its a mystery to me and I am rather in awe of them. I am none of these things and it has been a very very long time since I have felt unburdened and happy. Maybe when I was a teenager . I am an introvert deep inside, prefer alone time and hurt very deeply indeed. I would love to "learn" how to be up-beat . ( Is that even possible?) . Is it our nature , our personality , in our genes? Or is it all about perspective and perceptions? I have no idea really.
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Barbiedoll - great to have a bit of variety.
All I can say is that we introverts too can be upbeat. But it comes out differently than with extroverts.. I don't like socializing (except with very small groups of smart/ kind people), I'm blunt. I very rarely smile or laugh except with eyes/internally, I'm a realist etc. stuff people don't likely associate with upbeat people. But still. There is mostly sunny within me. Most people just don't know it, lol. You all see me write here LOLs and other stuff somewhat often, that is just one of the ways it comes out. With my IC I let it out verbally, but aside of my family and few friends most people never see that side of me (and I'm fine with that).... Possibly this comic here describes it all so well https://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/u/upbeat_person.asp :D
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OFFROAD I am one of those people !
I couldn't figure out what was going on. We lived beach front on one of teh nicest beaches in the world. We had beautiful happy kids I was always so happy in life I actually would ask God what I did to deserve all of this. I was so happy with life I would pinch myself sometimes.
Then I slowly started to see changes. I couldn't figure out what was going on with my wife. I could feel her pull away from me When I would ask what was going on she said nothing I am just wore out from the kids. This went on for months then she said we had to have a talk via text message. She said I work to much I am never home. I said i would make changes and did and that if we had to make changes we would as she meant the world to me and I would have done anything for her. I believe that was BD 1 for me as she wanted to ask for divorce but chickened out. When I asked of she wanted a divorce she acted like I was crazy.
The next six months we were looking at new houses. I bought her a new car and we talked about future plans etc. Yet at this time I could feel her pull away even farther. This all made me think it was me. Why do I feel like she is constantly pulling away from me? Doing and saying bizarre things, that even her sister noticed. I would cry on my way to work, I thought I was literally going crazy. My sister is Bi Polar and I thought I was becoming that as well. I would call my mom and asked for help. I was almost relieved at BD at first because I realized I wasn't FIRETRUCKING CRAZY! I was so depressed and had never been before. Very Very Scary.
Now I am getting back to the place where I am getting happier most of the time. Back to my normal happy go lucky self.
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Yes, F5. I feel you on that one. The first 10 to 15 years of my M I was an upbeat person. I loved my life, job and family. H and I had many friends and everyone loved us. Over time when his MLC started creeping in there was a huge change in me. I got quiet and distant from everyone. I hardly smiled and I sat away from others. People thought I was stuck up and left me alone.
Since BD and me GAL things have really changed inside of me. I talk and smile at everyone. I feel people are drawn towards me. I just a positive person all the time. Maybe not always happy about everything, but definitely upbeat and can control the happiness. When a situation tries to take me down I think of the positive in the situation. That always turns things around.
To be honest I think that, for me, it is because I have put God upfront and personal in my life, but even more so since this all began.
I'm just lovin life
Stand Tall