[hopeandfaith]

Interesting point Offroad.  Things can get so easily misinterpreted by text anyway, let alone when MLC is involved.  I would let him know what the plans are and then leave it to him to decide what to do.

[shopgirl]

OffRoad & Hopeand Faith,

I did end up reconsidering and after I got the plans for pictures I texted him with the time and place and told him to let us know if he was going to make it.

He texted back almost immediately and said he would see us there.

He then texted back a couple hours later saying that he has had a horrible headache the past two days... (mind you he was fine to play in a golf tournament all day with our S17)...

I simply replied “I’m sorry to hear that.”  Knowing good and we’ll be was backing out.

He was home when D18 and I got home.  He follows me around like a little puppy anytime he is home, so he promptly followed me to the bedroom and stayed with us while I finished her makeup. 

He then said that he was just going to take a pic with her at home and not go to the group pics and see her off.  I got a pic of him and her and one of the three of us and then D18 and I left. 

He had told S17 that he wanted him to spend the night at the shop so they could leave early in the morning to go for a motorcycle ride.  Early evening S17 called him and asked if he still wanted him to spend the night- he said no.  A few hours later, H called S17 and asked when he was going to got there- S17 reminded him that H told him to just come in the morning.  H had forgotten that.  He is getting more and more forgetful.  More erratic.  It’s as if he is clinging to anything and everything in order to not focus on himself.  It’s like a desperate cling- does that make sense?  It’s not any of the active running like last year- but it’s little things.  Not quite sure what to make of it.

So, all in all- I guess H gets half credit for at least seeing her before prom.  I just wish he would’ve participated, for her sake- but it’s not up to me.

[OffRoad]

Half credit is fine. In my mind, the headache was caused by his own stress over the situation. I think he was embarrassed to show his face around Ds friends and their families, but didn't want to miss out altogether or disappoint D completely.

You did well. If paving the way works, you laid down some yellow bricks for him to follow.

[JoJoJo]

Hey SG!  Following along!

I am glad to hear he was somewhat there for prom. You did a good job navigating through this!  I know how exhausting it is...not quite what you thought you’d be dealing with when you started a family!  But two thumbs up 👍🏽 for how you handled it❤️❤️❤️

[shopgirl]

Half credit is fine. In my mind, the headache was caused by his own stress over the situation. I think he was embarrassed to show his face around Ds friends and their families, but didn't want to miss out altogether or disappoint D completely.

You did well. If paving the way works, you laid down some yellow bricks for him to follow.

I agree Offroad, for sure.  And thank you, slowly but surely, I'm getting this whole detachment thing... haha. 

Hey SG!  Following along!

I am glad to hear he was somewhat there for prom. You did a good job navigating through this!  I know how exhausting it is...not quite what you thought you’d be dealing with when you started a family!  But two thumbs up 👍🏽 for how you handled it❤️❤️❤️

Thanks, friend. <3


A little recap of the past few days;

Sunday he texted me in the morning- he was on a motorcycle ride with S17 (he turned 17 today!)
Told me that they were having a blast.
I waited a few hours to text back. 

He also texted D18 and asked her how prom was, and if he needed to hurt her "date"...
Let me explain- he is SO uncomfortable with D18 now.  He knows that she knows about the A, and who it was with.

 He didn't act this way with her when he was deep in replay, this has only been in the past 4 months or so.  He has distanced from her a LOT/quickly as of the past couple months.  I'm assuming its guilt & shame.  Three weeks ago he told me that I was already turning her against him.  I've done nothing of the sort, but I just replied "I'm sorry you feel that way."

So, back to the comment.  He is so awkwardly social with her these days, that he was joking around and trying to act "protective" and say that he would "hurt him" if he touched her.  It was the only thing he could think of to talk to her about.  He didn't even think to tell her that she looked beautiful. (that's something he always did pre-mlc, he's always complimented her, and they've always had a close relationship).  In all of his joking, he sounded like a 17-year old kid.

So the next day, when he texted her asking about prom, he brought up "hurting him" again.  D18 just rolled her eyes and didn't engage in the convo, instead shut it down by saying "No dad, I've told you he is a friend, and he isn't like that." He replied, "are you sure?"  And she replied "yes." And that was it.

Anyway, his comments about this reflect that of a 17-year old boy.  And that brings me to my next observations by my S17;

- S17 said that H told him that his new flat billed Harley Davidson hat (H used to make fun of those hats and say that "wanna be punks" wore them- he bought this about a month ago, and now he wears that silly hat with everything and it doesn't match anything he has) anyway, he told S17 that his gray hair didn't go well with the hat.

- S17 said that while they were playing golf, they were partnered up with another father/son duo, and H told S17 that he didn't think they liked him, that he thought they liked S17, but not him.

-S17 said that H told the duo they were partnered with that getting into the factory business was the biggest mistake he ever made. (to me this is HUGE- for him to admit that to strangers)

- S17 said that H listed to Shawn Mendes on repeat all day while they were riding.  This is a 20-something singer that all the teens know.  H used to tease our kids about listening to him.  *side note, I'll take Shawn Mendes over the dark music he got into while in active replay, any day.*

-S17 said that H was trying to make friends with this one guy on their ride, someone S17 said that he wouldn't have befriended before mlc. And even asked for his number. 

S17 was not amused by any of these things.  I have noticed that they are becoming increasingly annoyed by some of his antics.  I have been having more concentrated heart to hearts with them about grace, compassion, walking ahead in order to be a light.  They aren't rude or anything towards him, I would never tolerate that, and they don't want to be.  They love him.  It's so hard to watch them go through this knowing that they fully realize what is going on.

So, the biggest thing Sunday is that H allowed S17 to ride home on his motorcycle (40-minute drive) with his cell phone dead.  Didn't think to have him stay at the factory and charge it a bit.  Well, as it so happens, S17 motorcycle breaks down on the side of the highway, and he has no way to contact us.  A stranger let him use his phone, he called H, H didn't answer (says he didn't even see that he had a missed call till 1 1/2 hours later), and so the stranger went back to his house, grabbed a trailer, drove back to S17, S17 loaded up his bike on the trailer, and the stranger took him home.  Meanwhile, me & D18 were out looking for him (he was well over 30 mins late from when he should've been home- H had texted asking if he made it home earlier- then after 15 mins from when he for sure should've been home, I told H I was going looking for him.  H then about 10 mins later, followed suit and started looking from his direction). 

When H saw the number, he called and the stranger explained everything.  H was mad that S17 didn't leave a v/m or text, and frankly, I was mad at the both of them.  S17 for not leaving a v/m or text, AND not calling me, or texting me, but I was mad at H for not having him stay at the factory for 15 mins and charge his phone!  What parent sends their kids out on a motorcycle without a charged cell phone?  An MLC one.  haha. 

I didn't say anything to H.  He said at the end of it that she should've had him stay there and charge his phone, and that he knew better and would do that next time.

He has texted me every day, most of it is just excuses to text.  He texted me last night asking what I wanted to do for S17 birthday.  I didn't respond until this morning.  He seemed a little disappointed that we weren't celebrating tonight.  I told him that the kids and I discussed it and we decided that Sunday was the best for us and asked if that worked for him.  He said that would be fine, and asked what he wanted to do. 

Last night S17 said that he wanted to go mini-golfing.  At first I wasn't so sure about that, as H hasn't wanted to do anything family related (like going and doing anything fun) in a very LONG time, so I didn't want to do that in case it would make him uncomfortable and want away from us even more. 

And then I saw that way of thinking for what it truly was.  I have been catering to him.  Putting him before any of us. If I didn't think he could handle it, or would like it, we didn't do it.  I believe that I have done this *somewhat slightly* in our normal life, but NOT anywhere close to the extent that I have done it in MLC. 

I have been trying to not make waves, to make everything easy, light, and the way HE would want it.  I took my role as "wife" and making our home relaxing, pleasing, and a source of comfort to the extreme.  I wanted our home to be a refuge, a safe place for him to unwind and relax, have no pressure, and pleasing to H. 

I made the decision that was stopping now.  H asked this morning what S17 wanted to do.  I told him.  He replied "Oh, ok"   

So now, I'm prepared to go mini-golfing with my family, with or without H.  If he wants to be a part of our family and come, great, if not, great.  But I'm not going to allow his crisis to dictate what we can and cannot do when it comes to these sorts of things.  Life goes on, with or without him.  But I don't want to look back in 20 years with regrets that I didn't go out and have fun with my kids more because H might think it uncomfortable.

It's his choice of whether or not he wants to come, and if he doesn't, that's HIS loss.  I'm no longer going to try to control the environment so that it doesn't make H uncomfortable.  I catered to him during this out of fear that he would leave us.  Guess what?  He is choosing to stay at his factory.  He is choosing not to see or talk with his kids everyday.  A lot of good that did me.  So, huge lightbulb moment first thing this morning.  No more.  Me and the kids come first, he is welcome to tag along if he desires. 

*Side note- and this is just funny, H called S17 last night around 8:45 and asked where I was.  S17 said I just got home. Then he asked where D18 was, and S17 told him she was at work.  In less than 30 seconds, H texted me wanting to talk about S17 birthday... while he is on the phone with S17.  I know my H well enough to know that he was concerned as to where I had been ALONE until 8:45... haha.  Silly MLC'er.

I have definitely grown by leaps and bounds independently over these past 3 weeks.  I feel as if I have successfully detached and have a grasp on how to lead him by walking and moving forward and showing him my back.  I don't know it all, not even close, and have a lot to learn as I go, but my steps are sure footed.  I feel better than I have in a year. 

[Treasur]

I have been catering to him.  Putting him before any of us. If I didn't think he could handle it, or would like it, we didn't do it.  I believe that I have done this *somewhat slightly* in our normal life, but NOT anywhere close to the extent that I have done it in MLC. 

I made the decision that was stopping now.  H asked this morning what S17 wanted to do.  I told him.  He replied "Oh, ok"   

So, huge lightbulb moment first thing this morning.  No more.  Me and the kids come first, he is welcome to tag along if he desires. 

I feel better than I have in a year.

Wow. That sounds like a great lightbulb moment...and we know them when we have them don't we?
And that feeling better thing too. Wow. Go, you! 

[bipolared]

Yes, it’s the hardest thing to just let them go and not  intervene when we see them doing things that will cause a lifetime of regret.  You can’t make someone be a parent and you can’t save their relationship with the children.  They have to do their work and you have to do your work. 

[Acorn]

‘No more catering to him’.  Excellent idea, SG!
Never mind what he says and does and certainly don’t read anything into it. 
Leave him be and you go right ahead and live your life, I say.
Isn’t it refreshing to take one’s eyes and ears off  MLCer and turn that focus on ourselves and the dear children?!

We all know in theory that we were never created as a cog in MLCer’s wheel of life and that we have our very own wheels to turn.  In practice, many women end up playing that cog...  No more, you said.  Fantastic!  Let your MLCer spin his own wheel, though out of control by varying degrees whilst in MLC. 

[shopgirl]

UPDATE:

H has been in constant contact yesterday and today.  It's all things that are relevant to our life, but not all necessary for him to contact me about... he asked me to pick out a color for the retaining wall at our spec house.  I was  the one who designed all of our spec houses, and once he was neck deep into his A, he wouldn't let me do ANYTHING with the factory or the spec homes.  This is now the fourth thing he has asked me to help with in relation to the factory & spec homes in the past 3 months.  Even to the point of when I told him my color choice, his reply was "If that's the one you like, that's the one I'll go with."  it seemed so... normal.

Then he told me that something we accomplished last night needed to be celebrated, and spoke as if we were "together"...

This morning he texts again, asking if he has clean jeans at the house.  I told him yes, and he said that he was taking his surrogate grandma to a concert tonight. (He always takes her to see her favorites- Charley Pride, Kenny Rogers, etc)  Although, this time I have a hunch they are going to go see Dwight Yoakum

(backstory- H LOVED Dwight growing up but had never seen him in concert.  For Fathers Day about 9 years ago, I surprised him with an intimate concert with Dwight.  I've never been a huge fan myself, but I had a blast because it was fulfilling one of his dreams. Years later, we were talking with some friends, and that was brought up, and I joking made reference to his nasal-y sounding voice, but I also said that it was awesome because it was just a little room with few people in it, and that he put on a good show.) 

Fast forward to a little over a year ago, he tells me that he will never take me to another concert unless he knows that I love the singer because it hurt him that I made fun of Dwight Yoakum all those years ago, and so he promised himself he wouldn't do that again!  (HELLO, MLC)

 Anywhoo-  I knew he would be coming to the house this afternoon. 

Meanwhile, he asks for some info that has been a little bit of a source of contention between us.  I have fought it before now, but I just don't care to bring it up any longer, mainly because I have let the subject matter go, and have the attitude of "whatever" it doesn't matter if I know or not.  I gave him the information without delay.  I think he may have been somewhat surprised.

He got home.  I'm soft and kind.  He chats a bit, goes into the garage with S17 to look at his bike, and then changes to get ready.  He comes out and asks if he looks alright.  I look and tell him "Yes, it looks great."  He says, "Well, I definitely wouldn't say that it looks great, not by any means. That's an exaggeration."  Putting himself down.  I stayed quiet.

He talks to me a bit more, and then goes to leave and says, "Well, I've got to roll."  I kept working at my desk and said "Okay." 

He stops in the doorway.  I see his reflection in the frames glass on my desk.  I turn around, and he said "I've got to go to R's house quick, so I've got to go."  Looking at me in the eyes. I knew he wanted me to get up and give him a hug.

 I just sat there and said "Okay, be safe, have fun."  H looked at me then looked down and away and said "Huh, okay."  Quietly to himself.  I know he was disappointed that I didn't get up and give him a hug goodbye.  I saw the pain. 

Did I do the right thing by not initiating getting up and walking to him? 

Normally (relatively speaking since it's MLC we're talking about), he would say "Are you going to give me a hug?" When I haven't gotten up.  I wait for him to invite me to a hug.  This time, he expected me to get up and give him one.  I'm not sure why?

I'm not going to lie.  It hurt me to see him in pain.  To know that he wanted affection from me, and I didn't offer it.  Maybe it's because I've been doing little else today than planning D18's graduation stuff including sorting pictures for her party, and walking down memory lane... alone and with my hormones slightly out of whack.  Knowing that this should be a time of celebration and specialness with him and me, and instead, I'm not able to share my emotions, thoughts and such with him.  I just think my emotions are at the surface right now.  And yes, I'm crying, but I didn't let him see any hint of weakness. 

Just too many emotions to handle this next week.  Sweet, fun ones, bittersweet ones and sad ones.

[shopgirl]

This weekend was- WOW.  As my D18 would say, it was "So EXTRA"

Okay- readers digest version:

Saturday, he came over for really no reason whatsoever...
He fitted me for a motorcycle helmet... (!!!!!!!!!  not sure what to make of that)

 He asked why my cousin wasn't staying at the house for D18's graduation, I told him there wasn't enough room, and he was like "she can sleep in the room with you" and I think he was testing me to see if my cousin knows about anything.  I told him that firstly she doesn't know anything that is going on, and second, that she already booked her hotel. 

We talked a bit about D18 and the week coming up.  I think he maybe realized a little at what he was missing not living here.  I told him about last Friday being her last Friday of high school, and how it was bittersweet.  I told him about all the party plans, and the stuff that I have already accomplished for her dorm room and such.  I think it maybe hit him that I'm taking care of things he isn't even aware of, and he isn't a part of it.

For the first hour or so, we were alone, and he talked about stuff- but then, as conversation dwindled a little, he got nervous.  Paced a little, opened the front door to "let air in" but stood by the doorway... incase he needed a quick getaway???  haha.  he bought us all breakfast again.

When D18 got home (she spent the night babysitting), he paid a lot of attention to her, had her sit on his lap and told her how pretty she looked for prom.  He talked to her about her last Friday of school, and about this week.  I could be wishful thinking, but I think this weekend opened his eyes slightly to things he is missing.

He switched out a fuse in my car.

He piddled around the house for about 4 hours, then left to go get some other stuff done.

Yesterday, we got home from church around two because we went to third service and he was already here and had been looking through family photos while waiting for us.

He told the kids with me right there that out of all of my friends, I was by far the prettiest.

We went to lunch, and he mentioned Mothers Day... I think he was testing met to see my reaction.  I could be reading into it, but I don't know.  Last mothers day, he purchased the OW $100 mothers day present and I got nothing. I also think they may have spent the night before mothers day together, but I have no proof... I'm pretty sure he knows what I suspect, and he is fully aware that I know everything he purchased for her.

 I think he mentioned it to see what my reaction would be... he said that he was watching something on tv, and they mentioned that it was mothers day, and he freaked out and was like, "wait, that's next week, and had to check his calendar to make sure he didn't miss it"...  I just smiled and laughed, showing no signs of sadness or hurt. 

He HUNG UP decor around the house.  Everything that is hanging in our home, I HAD TO DO.  He has done it our entire life- but not since we moved to this house- I have done EVERYTHING.  But yesterday he offered, and was like "Hey, if you want to hang this stuff, lets go ahead and do it!"

Then, one of my previous clients and her family were there at the mini golf, and saw me- they yelled at me and the mom was like "we miss you and how awesome you & L (my business partner) are!!!"  Then she was talking and j was paying full attention and she said "OMG, I can't get over how amazing you look!  I mean, you look great- like you shouldn't have a high school graduate!"  I was like "ohhhh, thank you...!!!"  And then she looked at H and said "you've got a gorgeous family, you're a lucky man!..."  haha.  I love truth darts when they don't come from me.

In my head I was just like "you couldn't have said more perfect things if I would've paid and prompted you..." :LOL:


The last two days have been more relaxed than ever in the past year+. I've hardly been nervous.  Maybe it's just that I have successfully detached? And I'm just more myself now.

Both kids said that this was the most normal we (the family) have been in a year.

He put my clothes from the washer into the dryer and hung the bath mats to dry like I do.

OHHHHH.  AND- he was going to change out the lightbulbs, but when he went to get them, he realized we didn't have anymore so he said he would have to get some.

You don't take pride in getting a house ready for company if you don't think it's your "home" anymore...

He asked S17 if that was his milk glass sitting on the dining room table. S17 said yes, and H said "well who is your maid?" And S17 said "I'll get it just a minute" H said "no you won't get it if you wait just a minute you need to do it now there's nobody here that your maid."

 I had my back turned towards them at the time, and I was seriously dying. He hasn't parented like that in a year or more.

After going out to lunch and playing mini golf, we went home and watched a movie and he was looking through old pictures I had brought in from the garage to show D18.

He engaged with us, and seemed almost relaxed.  We took a pic of the 4 of us, and he actually looks HAPPY.  Like, happy, happy.   

This is by far the best weekend we have had in over a year.  He can go backwards, I know, so I'm grateful for it and pray that he keeps making positive steps forward.  This weekend felt good. And I wasn't freaking out on the inside. 

Yesterday was the longest amount of time he has spent with us in a LONG time.  He did things around the house, engaged in conversation with all of us, complimented me, and actually laughed and joked around.  It seems too good to be true.  Hugs all around from him.  Both when he arrives, and when he leaves.

He even asked how church was... that is HUGE.  Before MLC, he led so many people to the Lord.  He led Bible studies in peoples homes, baptized people, he was an amazing man of God.  Since MLC, all church attendance is long gone, and he doesn't ask about it.  Until yesterday. 

I don't have any expectations, and I'm not reading into any of it, but this weekend was nice.  And for the most part, my nerves weren't in overdrive.


 This weekend, I realized some things that I should've handled differently throughout this crisis, and some controlling behaviors I displayed while in the turmoil of deep replay, and now I see that not only was it not healthy, but it was unrealistic to think that I could control/fix the entire atmosphere when he was around.

 There were little things this weekend that happened (songs that came on, or something said by the kids) that 6 months ago, I would've turned off, or given them a look to change the subject, because it could possibly make him think of something, trigger something, make him justify his behavior even more, etc., I literally FED MY FEARS.

 BUT I've recently realized that this is LIFE.  This is the real world, and I can't live my life watching and waiting to take control of the situation as soon as I sense something that could be uncomfortable for him, or myself coming up.  And frankly, I don't WANT to live that way. I want my life to be authentic.  I don't want to worry about anyone elses issues, and try to fix them, or worse, try to avoid them having to face them.

I'm working through forgiving myself for these things I've displayed through his crisis.  I'm just astounded at how hyper aware I was of it when put in the situation this weekend.  It was an amazing feeling to deny the control, deny the FEAR, and let LIFE happen, knowing that I was perfectly fine, the kids were perfectly fine, and that's all that matters.