[mcm64d]

Thanks to JB for pointing out the need for another thread.

Treasur- you sure are making things difficult.....
KD- never heard of Boaty Mcface.


Christmas eve............

I had one small cry about an hour ago but otherwise it's been a pretty relaxing day. Listening to some jazz on youtube and reading up on my now favorite all-time topic MLC.

There has been a tradition for about the last 12 years where my sister in law would text us a silly video I found on youtube that makes us laugh each year. Last night I decided to send it to my sister in law this year as I wasn't expecting to hear from her. I haven't heard from her since my wife left in August. She actually gave me a nice, warm response almost immediately. I then apologized for everything and told her I love her. I got no response from that but that was always the case. Not a very openly emotional type of woman.

I just thought it so nice that people continue to like me after all of this. TBH- everyone I ever open up to gets to love me. Now unfortunately, I don't let many people in and that is something I need to work on. But I would be so bored if I were perfect....know what I mean?

I am sure I will be on here a little later and probably tomorrow but wanted to wish each and every one of you a Happy Christmas.

If you're spending the holidays alone, I am sorry. But please know I too will be spending it alone so you're not alone. And you know what they say? Being alone is one of the best things to share with others

Peace be with you all.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12127.msg800747#msg800747

[mcm64d]

Just a little journalling for the future to look back on.

So my Christmas with the cat has come and basically gone. I have heard nothing from my stbxw. I had been getting texts on holidays and birthday to the effect of "i know things are the best for us right now, but I just wanted to wish you a....."

Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it is the natural end of things. Leaves me kind of wondering about the friendship she wanted to keep. And there is a thought in the back of my head that this is "retaliation" for not replying to her latest message.On the other hand, it could be the beginning of the vanisher, and I don't know what I feel about that either. Some friends I have spoken with today insist she will regret all of this and will come back to me someday. I truly believe she will come to regret this, but not letting myself get convinced of any possible return.

I know I shouldn't dwell on these things but I will. Not much choice at the moment but tomorrow will represent a return to "normalcy" so that is something to look forward to.

Overall today has not been bad. Received a very nice text from my ex grandmother in law. She insists things will get better and that she knows how I feel. The holidays have not been the same for her since her daughter passed. A truly nice gesture and support.

She then said something a little strange but nothing worth me getting upset over. She thanked me for telling her not to be mad at my stbxw for this "mess" and that she appreciates me taking the blame for it and that she hopes I am seeking help for issues. A strange thing to say in a Christmas greeting but whatever. I just told her that I am not mad or resentful or anything and that I told my stbxw my door will always be open and she can call anytime.

Hoping everyone's holidays have been as happy as possible under the conditions in which we now currently live.

[mcm64d]

So I did something stupid Christmas night....I texted my stbxw a picture of the cat, the day he had and Happy Christmas.

I received two replies....the first Very Good and the second my family wishes tou a Merry Christmas.

The first reply- not sure what to make of it. Guessing she just didn't know what to say. I have noticed during this period of my life that she capitalizes words in the middle of texts that ordinarily wouldn't be capitalized. I realize that grammatic correct is not a hallmark of texting, but it takes effort to capitalize a little in mid text. Just finding it strange and again my mind working overtime on all this.

The second reply- Assuming she was with her father's side of the family when I texted, there is no chance she told everyone...hey look my h texted me a picture and they happily replied tell him Merry Christmas (most all of them have my number, so they could have made the effort had they wanted). I cannot imagine her decision is looked upon favorably to divorce (and from recent events the mask is cracking- wondering if they see it also.)

Couldn't she just have said merry Christmas and be done with it instead of saying it for her family (and not from her BTW)?

Either way, I let the emotion get to me and replied that we are all focusing on your happiness 100% but I also can imagine how your mom felt after her dad divorced her. Please be aware of your choices and how they affect you.

Not my proudest moment and I am ashamed at myself, but I will have to let that go as well.

Lucky to have an IC appointment this afternoon. One of the topics will be why my mind churns like it does......

[Reinventing]

It's okay. Christmas is hard, and going through this is hard, so give yourself a break. We pick ourselves up and move forward.

If you keep thinking about what you sent, tell yourself that you're human and use some of your strategies to redirect your mind to something else.

If you keep feeling pain with her responses, you'll end up limiting how much you reach out. Because likely the response is not going to be what you want.

It is so hard, and takes so long to internalize that what was before is gone (ashes from bomb drop) and no matter how she responded to your text, the future is what you build.

[xyzcf]

We are “ allowed”………sometimes the urge to connect is so great, especially on special dates, that it relieves the extreme distress that we feel for just a moment by reaching out. Their response will probably not be what we want, indeed we can pick apart every word and nuance and our monkey brains will find all kinds of thoughts about that they said and what they did not say…..gradually that will shift.

Yesterday is finished and your life goes on. It is still very raw, very lonely and very unfair that they seem to be having a lovely time and we are a puddle on the floor.

There is no quick way through to detachment, acceptance and ultimately a life where joy is felt once more….you will get there it is just hard to see how the future will be at this point.

Get lots of rest, go outside and talk a walk somewhere beautiful, perhaps escape to the movies and just be totally kind to yourself. The feelings and emotions of being abandoned take a long time to process.

[mcm64d]

Thank you R and X.

I just need to learn how to let completely go. Last night, I thought my intentions were to give her some pleasure. Looks like I was wrong.

[Biscuit]

I noticed after BD that my W stopped capitalizing the first letter of anyone other than her own name…. This has comitinued. She never did this before!
Of course OM’s name was capitalized too when he was still lurking about.

They are odd versions of themselves in the crisis!

[Biscuit]

Her grammar, punctuation and spelling also reverted to that of a juvenile. Whereas before she was quite pedantic about these things. Sone messages, even now, need to be reread in order for me to understand them fully.

[mcm64d]

Thank you for the reassurances. I thought it was me being a little too analytical about things. And yes I too have to re read things sometimes. The language she uses is sometimes just bizarre.

[mcm64d]

So here I am a couple days away from getting rid of the worst year of my adult life and I have mixed emotions.

Firstly, I feel good about where I am generally speaking and trying to leave my worries and fears about the future to God. My apologies if I am not to speak of Him and will not do so should the admins advise. I mean not to offend. Last I will speak of here for today.

Anyway.... still mixed on leaving my stbxw alone. The pain is subsiding, thankfully. But the fear that her love (and yes I know its not there now...) and mine will fade. And if you'd ask me if I would take her back today as she was before this mess, I wouldn't know. It is really strange.

Then there is the fear of the unknown... I know what I said above, but it is still a concern from time-to-time. And I do know I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life and I am certainly not getting any younger

But then there is a promise of a new year. The holidays and my birthday are in the past, well for now obviously. Those were the days I most dreaded since August when this calamity started in earnest. I sit here wondering what I will do, how I will feel, if my stbxw be a vanisher, will I care, how it will feel if i don't care, if I can get past her, if I want to meet someone else.......

So while the hurricane has seemingly past by, a new foggy storm has rolled in....