[StormChaser]

Hi everyone,

Time to share my story. Been lurking around for a few months...

My BD was June 1 2016. I found out about the OM through texts on my W's phone the morning before she was leaving on an international business trip. I confronted her and she dropped the bomb. Like many, I was completely oblivious to where our relationship had gone and in complete shock on finding out.

I am 47, W is 46. We have three boys S6, S9, S11 and have been married 12 years, together 17. Since one month after bomb drop, we have been splitting time at our house with the other staying at a rented one bedroom apartment. We share custody 50% but she travels for work quite frequently and the one week on, one week off schedule has been subject to a lot of changes.

The OM is a work colleague of my W. He is a few years younger. The physical affair started in March and he ended it (AFAIK) when W told him that she had left me. It has since turned into an EA and is still ongoing. He is married with no kids. Interestingly, he is remarkably similar to me - similar racial persuasion, personality-wise, similar physical characteristics. He lives in another country - but they chat by text all day every day.

My wife has told me that she feels hurt, neglected, angry and frustrated by me not "being there for her" and not being an equal partner in the marriage. She feels that I put everything in our lives ahead of her. She feels that I didn't pull my weight around the house. She feels that I put a higher priority on our kids and playing sports than taking care of her. She feels that I didn't talk her love languages, even after we talked about how we could both do more. Many of her points are valid, and I've been working on the parts of it that I can that don't involve her. The one thing that she says that is tough for me to swallow is that she says that I "checked out" of our marriage and I understand how she had that perception, especially with her own state of mind.

Our current living arrangement will change in the spring when the lease for the apartment runs out. We haven't yet discussed what will happen at this point. I am considering asking her to find her own place and staying in our house full-time at that point, but can't talk to her about that yet. I'm also going to suggest that our boys spend slightly more time with me as I rarely travel for work during the week.

As far as I can tell, her behaviour is "text book" MLC. When the PA was ongoing, she started exercising, new clothes, new sexy underthings, etc. She also travelled constantly (many of the trips to meet up with OM) and pulled back emotionally from me. After BD, I got the ILYBINILY as well as typical behaviour for someone still in the midst of a PA. As I said, when W told the OM that she was leaving me, he ended the PA immediately.  She has dedicated herself to her job since then prioritizing work over the kids on many occasions.

She has projected many issues on to me that are hers alone and has not really started any self work. She is firmly still in Replay (still deep in the EA) and I don't see any movement any time soon. She has monstered at me many times, accusing me of being a terrible father, of doing 2% of things around the house - which, although I didn't do enough, I certainly did more than that. She has also maintained the blaming game - all the hurt, anger and resentment that she has is my fault.

One interesting dynamic for us is that we have both travelled a lot over the 10+ years that we have kids, so we are both accustomed to being "single" parents on occasion. After BD, I looked at the schedule and realized that W had been on the road for over 60 days of the previous year. Did I mention that we have three boys under the age of 11?

Since the BD, she has forsaken her family and most of her/our friends. She has told very few people that she is separated and even some of her immediate work colleagues still don't know over 5 months later.

About two months after BD, she suggested that we "try" and be friends. She broke off the relationship with the OM and we went on a number of dates. She would monster on occasion but we were able to spend time together as a family, which the kids appreciated. She seemed happy on the surface and as I'm sure many can imagine, I was overly optimistic about what it meant. After about three weeks of this, I found out that she had started chatting with OM again. When I confronted her, she admitted it, no remorse or regrets. Being betrayed yet again, I was crushed.

I reset the boundary of her choosing between being friends with the OM or me, but not both. Since that time, she has tried to cake eat and I've tried different ways of dealing with it. I've run out of variations to try on my end and it's down to contact regarding the kids right now. I've finally accepted her decision and decided to be firm on that boundary from my point of view.

There hasn't been any legal action to date.

Immediately after BD, I was able to book some time with an IC. I saw her regularly during the first three months and intermittently over the last two. W started seeing the same IC about three weeks after BD and AFAIK continues to see her. We had two sessions of MC with her, but both were disasters.

Now, about five months in, I'm in a good spot. I'm standing (for now) and I understand that my W is deep in the tunnel and that the only way she can get out of it is on her own. The first two months were very dark for me and personally challenging. I was able to focus on my kids early on - W was gone for work travel 11 of the first 15 days after BD. And that helped me cope as it kept me very busy. Then, I was able to focus on setting up the shared apartment. Unfortunately, at that point, I was still thinking I was doing it "for her", but I also live there to, so it worked out fine. And I was able to initially detach and start GAL right before she came back to "try". That set me back quite a ways in terms of detachment, and my boundaries.

I've been surrounded and supported by great friends. I have a number of people who I can lean on and have provided support and sometimes guidance. Lots of them ask me the right questions instead of telling me what to do. My MIL and FIL are also very supportive. I feel bad for them, because, despite me trying to explain what their D is going through, they are challenged in understanding how she can make the awful decisions that she has made.

I've cycled many times through too high expectations (always followed by huge disappointment - I know shocking) and refocusing on myself. I chose StormChaser as my user name because I likened my W to a tornado and I kept jumping in front of it and getting spit out the back. I tried many things to speed up the process, even though I know intellectually that I can't speed up anything. I gave her the ultimatum of choosing between the OM/EA and friendship with me. I pointed out the financial realities of divorce and how it will affect her (not great for me, but disastrous for her). I have said to her many of the things I've read in other threads, both good and bad. I'm good at self work and that's helping me be resilient through this. I truly believe that I've tried everything I can on my end - of course realizing that the only thing I can do is work on me and nothing I do to my W or for my W will change her journey...

The first thing that I needed to work on was doing my share around the house. Well, as a single dad of three kids, I haven't had any choice but to deliver on that. The house is well kept, I'm making good meals and keeping the kids to their schedules for school, home life and sports. Another thing that I need to work on are praise where praise is due, gratitude and acknowledgement of effort over results. As I can't work on this with the W still in the fog, I'm trying to work on it at work (I run a company) and with my boys.

I'm struggling with detaching. I'm working on it, and sometimes I'm better than other times. I reread the content here on self work and detachment frequently to try and internalize it. My IC gave me some good tips for how to try and overcome bullying thoughts and work it through.

My W is a pleaser and an internalizer by nature and those are mainly the things that have brought her into this journey. She sought to make others happy by doing. She would rarely ask for help. She wouldn't share how she felt (and still isn't with me) with me or anyone else for that matter. She feels that she shared how she felt when she told me that she was frustrated I didn't help out more around the house or do the dishes or other tasks. She feels that I didn't listen to her - and she's right. I tuned out what I thought was nagging, thinking that I was doing my best and that was good enough. I didn't think about what was important to her. After feeling unappreciated and starting to ask herself why she wasn't happy, her transition began. It became a crisis when I didn't respond how she wanted. I wish I had known how she felt and I wish I had acted on what she gave me, but you don't know what you don't know. I thought we were happy...

I remember the first weeks, just trying to get by hour by hour. Getting to day by day was a big achievement. Then I got to week by week, but was derailed. I feel that I'm back to week by week and looking forward to month by month!

My main goals right now are to get better at detachment, to ensure that I'm a lighthouse and to be patient.

Looking forward to being a recipient and contributor to this amazing community.

Thx for listening...

A note from RCR - 2023
It's been requested that this thread be added to the list of reconciliation threads.
The moderators and I discussed it briefly and we felt I should add a little disclaimer that this situation may have been a milder crisis or a not-quite-crisis Midlife Transition. Reconciliation is something to be celebrated, but at the same time I don't want to falsely inflate hope with a situation that may be an outlyer. With that in mind I've just posted Was it a short Midlife Transition or an incomplete Midlife Crisis? at the blog, this article discusses how you might discern of a Midlife Transition is at crisis levels or not.

[Mara]

Welcome to this forum. I m sorry you have to be here, but know you will be understand and in good company!

Mara

[Tyks]

Welcome. Sorry you have to join us Sounds like you have had a rough go. Most of what you have said is true for me. Been there done that in 2.5 months. I am sure you will get the support you need from this forum. These people are invaluable.

[StormChaser]

Thank you Mara and TK,

Tonight was my S11's birthday dinner. Out for dinner with MIL, FIL, W and kids. Stayed distant and chose to not read anything at all into W's words, behaviour and actions.

After, had to go back to our family house (her week with the kids) to get some clothes and for my S to open some presents. I was able to not start any discussions, not say anything I would regret. Kept things "transactional" and when I left, I didn't have the knot in my stomach that leaving the kids usually gives me.

All in all, a good night...

[UrsaMajor]

Hi StormChaser,

Welcome to the party to which NO ONE EVER wanted an invitation.

You have come to a good place here. Since you have been "lurking" and reading threads I probably don't need to be preaching to the choir but...

1) Make sure that you are financially secure. Mid-Lifers, when they go off the rails, can burn through cash like a wildfire in a dry forest.
2) Make sure that you are taking care of yourself: Don't forget to (in this order) Breathe, Eat and Sleep. The LBS Diet is a killer and sleep deprivation can really affect your health, both mentally and physically.
3) You say you are actively GALíng - GOOD! Just remember that GAL does NOT mean making yourself SO busy that you don't have some time for yourself too.
4) You have 3 boys so you have your hands full, my friend. I have a boy (9) and a girl (5) so I can related somewhat... You'll need to be the stable parent here- do not be surprised if your kids occasionally have this or that melt-down. They too will need to adjust to the situation.
5) Boundaries are good, threats and ultimatums not so much...
6) I am sure that OldPilot will come along soon with his own Welcome Message. In his note, he has LOTS of very good links of the docs available here on the site. I have a link to the "Newbies Survival Guide" in my signature which is a sort of ëmergency first Aid" kit
7) Remember the Rule of 3 - this goes along with the "Respond rather than React" philosophy. Before replying, wait... 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks if needed.... Put together a response rater than just reacting and firing off the first thing that comes to mind because.
This is HER crisis.. You didn't cause it, you can't do ANYTHING to change it, you can't stop it, you can't speed it up.. It is HER journey that SHE has to go through. These are HER demons that SHE will have to come to terms with... You have no more influence over the course of her journey thn you do over the course of a tornado (as you already put it) You can stand in the way, yell and scream and wave your arms at it and that will accomplish exactly nothing, except to either get flattened or caught up in the whirlwind of Mid-Life Madness. Neither of these is a truly viable option, especially since you have kids...

Like I said, this is a good place to have found because the people who are part of this forum have been or are where you are  at nearly any time in your journey so we DO get it whereas many people in your circle of family adn friends will just NOT have a clue what it is like, having never been there themselves.

OP will also tell you in his opening note - You have been given the gift of time. It may, at times, feel more like a curse than a gift but it IS, truly, a gift.  You have been doing mirror work and that is good, carry on. You have done some significant self-reflection - GOOD! Carry on!  None of us is perfect and rose-colored glasses aside, none of us had the "perfect marriage" despite the appearance to the contrary. That being said, we didn't just check the baby out with the bath water and walk away form our partner.  Therefore, take the accusations with the knowledge that, in MLC-Land, EVERYTHING, up to and including Global warming, the Plague, and the results of the election are seen by the Mid-Lifer to be the fault of the LBS. See what stings - those may be things that need some personal work and reflection. see what leaves you scratching your head and saying "Where the Firetruck did THAT come from?" Those are things that are probably more projection from your Mid-lifer...

Finally, be gentle with yourself. Yes, it is hard, yes it is painful but at the end of the day, you will make it through this....

UrsaMajor

[Thunder]

Hi Stormchaser (love the name),   

You've been given some good advice so I just wanted to add, you are doing really good!  Boundaries, GAL, stepping up with mirror work...all of it.

You've also learned there is absolutely nothing you can do to speed this crisis up.  She needs to go through the whole thing before she can be a proper W again.  Keep your expectations very low.

Lastly, don't think for one minute she can be your friend right now, she can't.  For some reason they always want to be "friends"..I suppose the guilt.
Being friendly and light is not the same as being friends.

[StormChaser]

Thanks UM and Thunder,

UM - I've been through the LBS diet and sleep issues already (lost about 15lbs) and fortunately or unfortunately, I've gotten my appetite back and have put on about half of it back. Sleeping got better after the first month or so. About when the random sobbing stopped. I'm now enjoying the fact I get to cook for the kids - love to cook and that's one of the things I let go of over the years. Last two weeks for the kid included BBQ steaks, pot roast, pork tenderloin and yummy teriyaki stirfry! Quite proud of how much they like the cooking.

Yes, 3 boys means hands are full, but there is a certain peace for me when I have them. It's busy, but also a routine that's as good for me as it is for them. Most importantly, I get to just be with them and talk to them and see how their days have been. One thing is that my W has been, for the most part, a good mom to the boys. She hasn't vanished, she's travelling A LOT for work, and when she's there, she's probably texting more than she should, but overall, she's being a good mom. That said, one of her key issues is the need to "keep up appearances" and not being in the house, but being around her occasionally with the kids (like last night) she can put on her facade quite well.

I also know that its good for me to work on modelling good and healthy behaviour. I'm the first to admit I lose my temper with the boys more often than I should (and I did before BD too, so that's a work in progress), I'm also finding out that I'm getting better at learning how to listen to them and communicate. The boys in general have been awesome. They act up of course and they get upset. My oldest could use some better coping mechanisms because he's bottling up, much like my W. I'm pushing him to talk whenever we have time to just us two, but its tough. And my younger two respond to touch and quality time as their love languages so I'm working hard on that.

I like to use my weeks off the kids for GALing, only had a couple days this week before I'm back with my oldest for a week and was able to go out for dinner with close friends and lunch with a high school friend.

For the ultimatum - it was a progression of her continually disrespecting my key boundary. It was really the only way to get her to understand that she kept crossing it and to get her to abide by it. I tried letting it go, being "friendly" but of course that doesn't work - I still had to try. Now that she's not cake eating, I don't have to keep pushing her away...

I've read many of your posts and I've found your insights to be helpful so I appreciate you chiming in!

It may have come across as I'm pretty hard on myself, but I also just didn't want to appear like I'm thinking its all her and the MLC. I'm plenty aware of my short comings, but also realize I could have done all the things I didn't and this still may have happened to her exactly the same way. To your point, I've gotten past the point where things sting, because I know my opportunities for growth but she still blames me for "everything". Her journey is her journey.

Thunder,

I've read many of your posts too, so appreciate you taking the time to read mine! I'm trying to completely eliminate ANY expectations on my part. That's been hard, but working towards it. And ya, she has very much wanted to be "friends" while cake eating. If she had her way, part of our relationship would be just like it was before BD with light little chats about her work colleagues and this that or the other thing that happened to her that day. I can't be that support for her. She needs to know that she pushed that away.

My feeling is that she has closed so many other doors (family and friends) that she felt that because I told her I loved her despite what she was doing, she could always keep our door open. She said that she only had 3 people to talk to and she pays one of them for the privilege. Well, the two others are her best friend who will support her (not necessarily agree with her) till the end of the world, and the alienator. I've been blessed with enough friends that i trust and respect that I've found a few of my friends who I can go to when I get down. I'm very lucky that way. So by enforcing the boundary of no "friendship" while she maintains the EA with the OM, she gets to live in her tiny little bubble of confidantes.

Thanks!

[Shocked]

Hi stormchaser!  Glad you came out of the shadows!! Feeling the warmth you will receive from your fellow LBSs is balm!!! I had never known about the damage if a MLC. I thought it was a joke or at most a 3 month condition like mending a broken leg. But no unfortunately it's a very real condition that the rest of world has no understanding of. Being here will give you comfort and strength. Pulling for you!!!!

[StormChaser]

Thanks Shocked.

I've spent a fair bit of time reading over a number of threads lately, new and old. It's good to see that so many behaviours are from the "script" and that what I've seen isn't new, just new to me. It really helps me get my own bearings and establish what I want to be my north star through the process.

So many OM or OW are Affairs down. But it seems my wife has picked a version of me instead. He's slightly younger, unencumbered by our three children - but married, comes from some money. But personality-wise, he's very similar - almost too similar. Their time together has always been in what i call "lala land" - almost always on business trips or through texts and with one exception, she has never been around him with the kids. Before I found out about the A/BD, she made a weekend trip with our S6 and hooked up. I still can't believe the unbelievable lack of judgment around that, but it's MLC. Of course she's "in love" with him despite the fact he ended the PA immediately after she did the BD to me. She has maintained the EA however. He lives in another country and there seems to be no possibility of a future, yet she's holding out for that. I assume that this is normal? Haha - I mean normal for an MLCer?

As well, today, took my S11 to see a psychologist. It went well, he's not feeling nearly as stressed as he was three weeks ago but he asked for two things. He wanted me to spend more time with him and his brothers. As it is, I'm already spending more time with them than my W. So I explained that to him, and he was disappointed a bit, but at this point, I can't push for more time. I may do that when we renegotiate custody schedules for the new year. As well, he asked that we have more "family time". I told him that we did want to, but travel schedules (including his) have made that hard to do. I hope that he didn't feel that I was being dismissive of him...

Anyone have any experiences they would like to share for how they handled the first separated Christmas? I've started buying my boys some gifts from me as my W mostly took care of it for us over the last few years - that's one of the things that I dropped the ball on. But we haven't finalized custody or family time schedules at all. I'm worried it will be contentious.

Also starting to gather my thoughts on how living arrangements will change after April when our lease runs out. Thinking its time for me to start planning with a bit more of a reality/future focus. She won't be able to afford the house, so I may say it's time for her to get her own place. I'm even fantasizing a little about how uncluttered certain parts of the house may be if she moves out. That's a bit of a guilty pleasure.

Overall, with her being in Mexico for the week, I'm feeling nice and detached. Worked through some minor anger over last weekend being away from the city myself. Some good mirror work on grace. Now thinking hard about GAL over the coming weeks. Bring it on!

[Seeing The Light]

Hi Stormchaser, welcome to the club... sorry you are here, but you will find the best support possible outside of getting your own IC to talk to.  

Just some thoughts come to mind as I read your story about your W OM.  You indicated that he looks like you, acts like you, he's just a little bit younger and has no children and is also M as well.  I'm wondering if maybe your W sees the OM as the "safe" (not indicating that you are dangerous or anything like that, just that she can interact with this OM and not have to worry about commitment, etc) version of you?  She's stated that you had "checked out", so she's getting the emotional rush aka "In love" feelings for him because he was paying attention to her, etc.  You also stated that as soon as she told OM that she separated from you that OM ended the PA immediately and it has since gone back to an EA. 

That seems to indicate to me that the OM has no intention of leaving his W and was, unfortunately, using your W.  I'm not trying to excuse either person's behavior... but there is definitely a pattern here.  He may be continuing the EA portion of it because she continues to talk to him and it's probably exciting for them both. 

My H is still in contact with his MOW2 and their relationship was an EA.  I still believe that the BD speech was about her, that he felt this strong emotional connection to her.  She is the true "Damsel in Distress", with a husband that treats her wrong, tons of health conditions, people pleaser, can't say no to anyone, let's other people treat her wrong, etc, etc, etc. 

My H likes to help everyone and became the shoulder to lean on and the person that would listen to her.  Since things weren't right with our R, they started talking to each other about their relationships and bam, there you go, EA.  Their R never turned physical because she couldn't spend any time alone with him and he was actually having a PA with single, much YOUNGER OW1.  Funny thing?  MOW2 was the one that he connected with emotionally, OW1 was just too young mentally. 

Anyway, MOW2 still contacts my H through texts and phone.  My H doesn't seem to remember that he told me a month after BD that MOW2 was the one for him, that she "got him" because she's the same age as him, etc (hello changing history!).  The relationship between them is no longer the same as it was, texting is a lot less, calls are a lot less and my H has invited her over to do stuff with both of us.  (this is strange for me!)  However, her H has told her that she's not allowed to talk to my H but she continues to do so.  I've made the choice to not make him chose between us because I can see that my H is detaching from her over time.  The calls are less, the texts are less and he clearly doesn't feel the same way about her anymore.

My point behind this is, it is good to set boundaries in your relationship and you have to set the ones that work for you that you can enforce.  She is still getting something from the OM that is encouraging her to keep the relationship going with him.  Possibly the "him or me" boundary may be the one that is keeping the "excitement" in the relationship going... she's feeling sneaky and the adrenaline is pumping, which makes her feel alive and special.  So a suggestion may be to try setting a different type of boundary with him... such as no texting/calling him in front of you or you will leave the room, no texting or calling OM in front of the children, etc. 

Also, found a great podcast recommended on this forum by others that may answer some questions, too.  It's Marriage Radio -> When your Spouse Loves Someone Else.  I actually got a lot of questions answered by listening to it.