And he said if it was reversed this would not be happening at all. (Ie he would not be sharing a home with me or talking to me)
Funny how sometimes, although they lie so much, the truth can accidentally seep out in small ways.
I think what you (and we) see as grace and strength for your kids, he sees as a kind of weakness. Perhaps a point of leverage even or a way to exercise some power over you. Funny how he sounds as if threatening to leave - again- is still a threat you should care about? (Or do you? Idk) but he clearly thinks that he is Bertie Big Pants and that you give a damn.
And of course, he isn’t in the mindset of putting his kids first….it is literally beyond his comprehension. And his reaction was very MLC teenager, very textbook
You were quite right and reasonable to say ‘please don’t do this’.
But here’s the lesson imho hidden in the margin.
You can’t control what he does, only how you respond when he does. And I think you are still sort of asking which suggests to me that you have some expectations of him that are unlikely to hold water. We get that; there’s something rather horrible about having to think so poorly of someone in this situation, about adjusting one’s eye so much. It often means having to swallow realities we really really don’t want to swallow….but are forced to when we look at the pattern of feet over mouth.
But again jmo, I think we are already on the losing side of the fence when we find ourselves explaining how and why to be a decent human being to another adult. They either want to or they don’t, they get it or they don’t. And their first reaction - and his - tells you if they do. Anymore beyond that is a waste of breath and energy.
So, let me play devils advocate for a moment…..
It reads as if a lot of your current behaviour - him staying in the house, the big Antalya plan - is based on your desire for your kids to have a connection with their father.
How much do you honestly control that?
How much connection do you want them to feel if their reality is going to be a father who shows up for a few weeks every 8 months and then goes again?
What if your job was not to facilitate the connection he maintains with them, but just not to get in the way of it if he does?
And how much age appropriate truth do your kids know about what’s happening and what is going to happen next? Are they being inadvertently gaslit into believing something different bc you are trying to protect them from the truth? And he is trying to look like good Daddy? And you as evil Mommy who has eaten his happiness, of course? (And by default, the unspoken message that they were not enough to make him happy either and that they have to do the kid version of a happy pick me dance for him to not go again. Bc kids are simple creatures when it comes to making 2+2 = 5)
Not questions you need to answer here but, as all parents here know all too well, questions worth reflection perhaps.
I am glad you are seeing a lawyer. I hope you talk to them about your Antalya plans. A month + is a long time imho. I have some concerns about your plans although you may feel it is too late to change them. I am glad your sister is joining you for some of it.
The essence of unravelling imho is slowly bridging the gap between hopes and reality. For all of you.
I would keep their passports in my handbag at all times. Including when/if I visit London.
I would make a plan now that they return with you in July rather than stay there with him. I would inform everyone of that. Put certainty into the mix of an uncertain situation rather than leaving it dependent on the reactions of small children (and an adult teenager). Neither may like it but sometimes that’s what being the standing adult in the room means, doesn’t it? That you’re the one with a plan lol.
I would tell the kids that things are in transition for a while bc daddy has decided that he no longer wants to live with mommy, that you will all be ok but some things will work a bit differently in future. That there will be future times in Turkey but there are some things to work out first. I would tell his family the same.
And I would make this the very last time that he stays in your home in order to spend time with his children. (Ironically the universe has given you an opportunity to use this latest exchange as a clear reason to say so, and inform him that this is how it will be from here on in so he can have time to figure out for himself how that will work.)
Bc that is the reality of what happens when one person decides to leave their marriage for new pastures in another country. And the only sane stable consistent show up parent is going to be you so where you go, the kids go.
Bc this is, sadly, reality. A new normal that is not the old normal. And there’s a time of transition that comes with that in life, isn’t there? Not such a nice or easy time until you get to the other side of it. And, perhaps, a little bit of your heart is still in denial about the kind of father that your kids are going to have in practice in this new normal. Him too, maybe. Perhaps it’s just too early to know yet how that will unfurl. But imho it will be a different kind of connection bc ‘Dad for a few weeks’ is not the same as ‘everyday Dad’ who knows who your friends are and takes you to school. It just can’t be. And sadly you can’t protect your little ones from that reality or what they do with it.
I’m so sorry. Every parent here will get how you feel and why you are doing what you are doing, even better than I can. And in my imagination, it must be the most awful thing in an awful situation. (And I would like to virtually punch your husband in the face, just a little bit, bc it’s a $h!tety thing to do to little people and for what. Grrr. Is that ok lol? Or just a big custard pie in his face lol? But still, it is as it is and you can’t control that. Double grrr though.)