I am finished up the semester and it has come with the regular ups and downs. I don't know why it still surprises me how tired I feel by the time things are wrapping up.

Of course, as if the universe knows, it piled on some more things, just to see how much I could take. D's car, which has low miles had to be taken in as it is having transmission issues. She was home for a five week break - with two weeks left before having to go back when this happened. She has been working while home and that made scheduling a bit tough. The repairs are still being determined and I found myself agitated beyond just the repairs when I found out Xh has been traveling. He also is in the midst of building a new office, renovating "his" house, refurbishing a camper and restoring a truck. He also decided to pay for S's hotel when S goes out of state to see a concert.

It wasn't the money, tbh that got me a bit upset. It is the lack of any contact with D. It is the same theme that runs through my head, which is almost comical it is so predictable. The fact that D, when she finds these things out as well, finds herself conflicted. It means I am usually going to encounter D processing and potentially lashing out. It wasn't bad this round. She has benefited from therapy immensely.

A few weeks back, my person came to visit and D shocked me by asking them if they would participate in an event with her. She bowed out, as she was exhausted from exams. Yet, this wonderful person of mine still participated because they made a promise. They showed up and D clearly noted it, even when she didn't say a word.

To add to the mayhem that particular weekend, my M had two ER visits that week leading up to the event. I had expressed that my person didn't have to come as I couldn't say what the weekend would bring. I wasn't surprised in reality, but perhaps I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility they wouldn't. Silly me. Nope. They were there and supportive. Taking my F places while my sister and I worked on getting M back home from her hospital stay. He showed up. My family clearly noticed. It wasn't some big superhero cape moment, but just consistent and what a partner does.

The semester ended, but I have responsibilities which now includes helping my F manage things at their house. (M is better, but we have some hurdles to manage). My sister takes on some things when she can and currently D and S help when they can. My niece is pitching in now that she is home. It is an adjustment since M was the one who managed so many things in terms of finances, meals, etc. My F does a good job, but he is overwhelmed taking it all on suddenly at the age of 87. He is still working in his studio, so we are also mindful of him needing that mentally and it fuels him. It has been a lot to adjust to. We are all committed to making sure they can age in place, as long as possible. 

Part of me was triggered with the first ER visit, as I hadn't been in that ER since FIL lived with us. Xh was "too busy" with Schmoopie (a fact I didn't know at that time) and I ended up there twice with FIL. I recalled SIL was not willing to come either, since she figured I had it under control. Walking into that particular ER brought that odd feeling right back, but fortunately I had my F there with me and my sister was on her way. Then I rounded the corner at one point and one of the nurses was someone who I knew from high school. A guy that had been a good friend that I hadn't seen in probably 20 years. I heard him call my name and I turned and found him giving me a huge hug. I needed that in that moment. It also worked out that he was able to take on helping care for my M before his shift ended and that brought a sense of calm to everyone, as my M recognized him.

As I sat here this morning making countless calls and changing appointments to make things align with my parent's calendar, I was on hold at one point. I was thinking about when was the last time I saw Xh be a true partner for me. In that selfless manner. He was always there for the kids up until FIL arrived on the scene and Schmoopie. He had moments of being there for me, but I am pretty certain I can pin point the last time I felt like he was there for me. It was before his M died. He used to be caring and stepped up. I am hard pressed to think of a time when he cared for me consistently after his M died.

This isn't a bash on Xh moment. It is realizing perhaps how much his M's death and him not grieving it made him retreat inside of himself. It is me also realizing that the moment I had last month, of just looking at this man of mine and realizing the type of security I feel is something that has been gone for years. MIL died in 2004. Maybe in part is realizing how I have been "alone" in many ways longer than I realized. MLC simply put it into overdrive. Somehow, I over time just accepted things the way they were. And, it wasn't all bad. He was a good dad and we had some great years. Yet, I also am realizing more and more that I was often "alone" in my marriage when Xh had his ups and downs. I just accepted them and maybe at the time I was okay with it. I realize I am not willing to just accept that type of relationship any longer.

I can list so many wonderful qualities and moments, but in that moment it really was that this man just showed up even though he didn't know what he might be stepping into. Willing to adjust our plans and putting up with that insane weekend. Something in that weekend changed with D as well. It certainly confirmed to my family, although they haven't said it out loud, that this man is special. We made sure we made time to go take the dog out for a walk and spend time together, but it wasn't exactly the weekend I think either of us had envisioned, especially since we hadn't seen each other in weeks.

Maybe in some ways as mad as I am with Xh at times, I also sort of pity him. I have often said knowing enough about Schmoopie, she will not stay around for the hard stuff. If Xh were to get sick, she won't care for him. She dumped her H because it wasn't "fun" anymore. He has a transactional relationship with S for the most part. He is around when it suits him. S dog sits and house sits when Xh needs help. There is not a regular day on the calendar where he sees S and Xh drives by weekly. He did strangely offer to take S for an MRI, and I wanted to believe it was because he was showing a smidge of his former self. Nah, it had strings attached to it. He needed something from S we would later find out.

The funny part was D was on her way home for break that day and S texted me to tell me Xh had offered to go to the MRI last minute. Xh then asked me if he could park across the street while he waited for S. I responded he could park in the driveway, as I have plenty of space. I didn't need my elderly neighbors freaking out because there was this vehicle stopped in between our houses. I didn't go outside, but he arrived an hour and a half before the MRI visit. The dog was going bezerk at first. I called D and warned her. I wasn't sure what her response would be. I just didn't want her to be blindsided. She laughed and said she wasn't going to have that be the moment she saw him. She said she knew how he might react if she showed up and he isn't wrong about it - he probably would behave like nothing has happened. She told me later she was fine and thanked me for letting her decide, but she said their possibility of reconciling was going to require some action on his part. She isn't going to leave it to a moment when he is potentially going to put on a good act in front of S. And she also didn't want to create any issues for S.

I sometimes see D and know she is grieving a relationship with Xh. It is very much like what I had to go through. In her case, I hope there is some form of closure.

There was a time when I wouldn't have believed I would ever get past the pain of the emptiness I felt when Xh left. I never thought I would stop standing and hoping for him to come back. I certainly didn't anticipate a new relationship where I would have a secure sense of trust. It was something that started out as a friendship, then I had in my head I must be just infatuated and told myself I was crazy, but as time went on that wasn't the case. It went a whole other way. IDK where it leads. I don't honestly have an endgame or care in terms of I am letting it just unfold however it needs to. It has been three years of just the two of us meandering on this path together and even with life's complexities and hurdles, I am in a much better place than I ever could have imagined.

If Xh were to come back and say he wanted to reconcile, that was something I once fantasized about when this all materialized. While I do not wish him harm, there are moments where I wish I didn't know what he was up to at all. It is a reality that I have had to accept - I am probably always going to stumble upon things about him. Through S or just randomly running into him - it is bound to happen and has. I don't recognize who he is and maybe more importantly, I don't recognize parts of who I was then any longer. I have changed too much to want to go backwards and would not be able to accept the way things were then. I will support whatever relationship my kids choose to have with their F. I will not change who I am at my core and I will allow myself to be angry when I am angry, but I will do my best to keep taking the high road in terms of Xh.

Hello,

I watched the series as well. It's hard to classify the young lady as the OW as he was divorced when she was introduced as a character. However, Nick showed all the characteristics of MLC plus. He had already cheated on Anne in the past and he was very self absorbed in the relationship with Ginny was more about him and his feelings. This idea or notion of "You made me happy" or "You made him happy" is the false narrative of a sound relationship. It's the myth of eternal happiness. You noticed that Anne never stated that Nick made her happy. Instead, she mourned the loss of her role as "I am the person responsible for making Nick happy". In the end, it wasn't that Ginny and Nick were is a sound relationship. Anne just acknowledged that Ginny met the job requirements of "Making Nick happy". Nick even tried to keep the group together for his satisfaction and when he was with Ginny's friends, it wasn't that he was dealing with a generation gap, it was an interest gap. Nick wasn't really interested in her social group.

Nick's daughter called him out on his self absorption because after the play, he was angry that she challenged the role of the wife's role to bring happiness to Nick. He rage at her was because she didn't get the memo that his happiness comes first- even if it is at the expense of everyone else.

The other two couples were also very interesting. Claude and Danny also created the dynamic of the role to make someone happy. Claude was well meaning and very protective of Danny. However, that only created resentment and distance by Danny. The classic line was when Danny complained to Claude. "It's just sad, can't you just let me be sad?"

Kate and Jack were dealing with their own issues and Kate had a lot of contempt for Jack. In many circles, contempt can kill a relationship faster than an affair.   However, they were able to reestablish themselves at the end.

Overall, the series was good, but at the end, it fell for the "soul" mate notion that I completely reject as another myth. There are over eight billion people in the world and this idea that there is only one other person in the wide pool that is the one for you is ridiculous. I guess some parents are very good at finding these "soulmates" because divorce rates for arranged marriages are lower than find your own person.

Just my opinion and have a great day,

(((Ready)))

Oh my SS desperate aging single female alert!!!!   My old big brother from my sorority wants to date me. Calls me all the time. He called as I was leaving a NFL game. I was driving and he was on car speaker . When I got off my nieces friends said” Thats so cool you have suitors! “Hahahah I mean I am 62, but suitors?

Wow, I give you so much credit with having any communication 7 years out and still being able to move forward well. Although my XH  has moved many states away and has not contact with his kids or grandkids it has been helpful to detach and not have to worry about seeing him in any way. On the other hand it would be nice if we could be civil for our kids and just to not feel totally discarded.  I think everyyear after 2 there is huge progress on healing.

Forthetrees, yes! I think we both are cutting each other slack. We have had so many deep conversations and I think she has been so much better on including me and inviting me. I am very close to the grandchildren and I think she appreciates that more than she has before, because she knows it’s not a given now. I have high hopes that life will continue to show us a path to appreciate who we are and what remains , even with XH and family tainting what could have been.

What is crazy is that XH did all this damage and not one member of my family views our relationship as XMil does. They are still sad that their favorite couple, uncle, aunt and family they looked up to have dismantled. They are shocked at what he has done, but they still love who they thought he was.