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Author Topic: My Story Just Getting Started in this Journey 3

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My Story Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#110: November 29, 2024, 11:33:49 PM
Will you be arranging to see the kids away from the house as opposed to ‘visiting’ them there? Do you have your new home set up yet or is that still a work in progress?

And how are your kids doing and how much do they know about changes coming along the line?
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« Last Edit: November 29, 2024, 11:37:19 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#111: November 30, 2024, 07:12:48 AM
Kids are doing ok, they know something is going on so telling them won’t be a terrible surprise. As for when to tell them I was going to wait until after the holidays, I don’t want to bring down the holiday spirit.

As for finding a place I’ve been looking online and I’m going to set up some appointments to look at places. If all else fails I can live with my brother who lives about 45 minutes away. Him and his wife have been very supportive and have a spare room if needed.

My plan is to get a place in our town so I can see the kids. I’m going to take them out for dinner, or maybe I can meet S19 in his dorm and allow some space between me and W. It’s going to be an adjustment but I’ll focus on the kids and myself and let her keep going down the tunnel. As much as I don’t want this it might be a good thing.
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home W Kids, Baxter and I moved out (by court order) 2/1/25
Me-48
W-47
S-16
S-19

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#112: December 19, 2024, 04:01:18 AM
Some journaling:

We’re still doing ok, I’ve been working out of town a lot and I notice more anchor checks
When I’m not around. Little things like asking about the house, or letting me know about her day in short texts. Miles ahead from the high energy and ignoring me from last year. Still looking for a place, I found a nice apartment close to the house and my sons college so it will be convenient to both.

Also out of nowhere she invited me to the casino. The casino has always been our thing. It’s about an hour drive each way, we talked for the whole ride there. Checked in about our lives, kids, work all the basics. It was nice to spend some time together, but all good things come to an end so for the rest of the week she’s been locked in her room.

The cycling continues!
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home W Kids, Baxter and I moved out (by court order) 2/1/25
Me-48
W-47
S-16
S-19

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#113: January 18, 2025, 08:49:22 PM
More journaling:

Ended up at Ikea today, getting ready for the move to the new place. Told the kids last week, they seem ok but I still check in with them as I’ve been this whole time. It’s been almost 2 years so it’s not really a surprise but I’m sure the absence of Baxter and I will be felt once we move out.
I’m pretty detached but shopping for furniture and brooms brings me back to when we got our first place. All the hopes for the future and the excitement of our first apartment, brought me down a bit. The flip side is that we will each have our own space to be able to grow and become our ‘authentic selves’  it’s kinda exciting and sad all at the same time.

The place I found is close to the house and sons college so if they need anything I can be there. W and I are cordial. Seems to have softened in the last couple of months. Sometimes we talk, sometimes not. Sometimes she’ll do something nice for me, order my favorite meal and we eat as a family. Other days she completely ignores me when I say hi, pretty typical from what I’m seeing. Time will tell how it plays out.

Friends are excited for me, they are expecting my new ‘bachelor pad’ to be a never ending stream of women and partying. I try to explain the concept of standing and MLC but I guess unless you’ve experienced it you don’t really ‘get it’.

Time for a new chapter in a book I didn’t really want to read..
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home W Kids, Baxter and I moved out (by court order) 2/1/25
Me-48
W-47
S-16
S-19

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#114: January 23, 2025, 07:17:15 PM
More journaling:

Had another relationship talk, it went better than expected. We discussed me moving out and how that would look in relation to finances and seeing the kids. All that went well, the weekly amount she’s asking for isn’t unreasonable. After that she opened up, we discussed our lives and what we’ve been up to. It was nice to have an open conversation.

We ended the conversation with her explaining that from the beginning all she wanted was some space and wondered why I was so stubborn about leaving. I explained that financially it would have put us in a bind, she agreed but we are in a better place financially now. In addition she was leaving for days so I had to stay to protect the kids and the home, she agreed but said she needed that time to get space. I gently went into the AP and explained that since he’s now gone we are in a different place. All in all a great conversation. She might be ok with postponing the divorce, at least until our youngest is 18 (7/26). Time will tell what will happen but it was nice to clear the air and come up with a good game plan going forward.
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home W Kids, Baxter and I moved out (by court order) 2/1/25
Me-48
W-47
S-16
S-19

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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#115: January 24, 2025, 03:10:23 AM
Well done Baxter. It sounds like you handled it well.

My wife indicated that if I had given her ‘space’ we might have worked it out. I don’t know how I could have given more but when that space is filled with another fella is hard.

At one point I was offered the ‘Irish divorce’ of living in the house with the kids until I was 18 and pretending to be married. Why would I take that deal.

I think I have learned we all have our approach to this and all of can bear different things. I know I still love my wife. I am not sure she still exists but I simply now make good decisions for me and for my girls.


But gee it is hard. And 2.6 years later I am still in shock.


Stay strong.
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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#116: January 24, 2025, 03:34:04 AM
More journaling:

Had another relationship talk, it went better than expected. We discussed me moving out and how that would look in relation to finances and seeing the kids. All that went well, the weekly amount she’s asking for isn’t unreasonable. After that she opened up, we discussed our lives and what we’ve been up to. It was nice to have an open conversation.

We ended the conversation with her explaining that from the beginning all she wanted was some space and wondered why I was so stubborn about leaving. I explained that financially it would have put us in a bind, she agreed but we are in a better place financially now. In addition she was leaving for days so I had to stay to protect the kids and the home, she agreed but said she needed that time to get space. I gently went into the AP and explained that since he’s now gone we are in a different place. All in all a great conversation. She might be ok with postponing the divorce, at least until our youngest is 18 (7/26). Time will tell what will happen but it was nice to clear the air and come up with a good game plan going forward.

Less aggro always feels better than more, but I’d temper your expectations. She’s still blaming you, isn’t she? And side-stepping the practical facts like finances, kids needs and the AP. Imho charming monster is still just a version of monster….please don’t rush into buying the story she is trying to sell you. Although it doesn’t look like give you the mandate, if you choose to go for it, of ‘giving her space’ even more by focusing on your new life in your new house with Baxter!

Space wasn’t the problem. You weren’t the problem. Her lack of commitment to you and your kids was the problem.
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« Last Edit: January 24, 2025, 03:35:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#117: January 24, 2025, 03:21:59 PM
Thanks Help and T,

I learned long ago to keep the expectations low, don’t expect too much and you won’t be let down.
Although space isn’t the problem I think she thinks space is the problem. I’m sure after a while it will change but in the mean time Baxter and I have a new ‘bachelor’ pad to set up. I’m excited to start this new chapter, keeping the door open a bit but also keeping it closed so that I can grow and learn about myself.

We’ll see how we do 🐶
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BD 3/23
Standing
W Still at Home W Kids, Baxter and I moved out (by court order) 2/1/25
Me-48
W-47
S-16
S-19

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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#118: January 30, 2025, 10:39:05 PM
Imo, "space" is mlc talk for the mlcer being able to find/go out with/be with other people without the LBS seeing what is going on.  It's just kind of what I've seen.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Just Getting Started in this Journey 3
#119: January 30, 2025, 11:04:08 PM
Offroad, agreed.
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